Fear Of Being Alone Long Term

[tuxedo cat]

I also think it's a bad idea to try to cast other people in your fantasies. It dehumanizes them.

 

Take others for who they are, including yourself.

[MrCastle]

Only read the first post but I'm actually not surprised you've never been in love. It is unusual but -- and don't take this the wrong way -- it fits with your personality.

 

You're too self preoccupied. All that image and self focus will kill the ability to love another person. In extreme form, it's narcissism.

 

I think even if you dated a girl who was both physically and personality-wise your type, you'd find fault with her. Why? Because you see others as reflections of yourself, so they need to live up to some unrealistic ideal. If you objectify people it will be impossible to love them.

 

To solve this problem you need to shift your focus away from yourself onto things that really matter

 

Sorry if that was harsh but I hope it helps.

 

Great insight. Truth be told I am a self described narcissist but I recently took a test that measures whether or not you can be clinically classified as a narcissist and I actually didn't make the cut. Meaning you have to be a real A-hole to be a text book narcissist.

 

Again, I exaggerate a lot of my posts for comedic effect all the while knowing the written word doesn't transfer so well when it comes to jokes. I am more humble and down to earth than I lead on in a lot of my posts. Any bit of advice I give in the dating or sex section are totally (in my mind) honest, and helpful.

 

Maybe in the off topic thread I can get a little rowdy and cocky, but only to entertain others. I like entertaining people.

 

I do agree though that I have some narcissistic tendencies and I am trying to work on them.

 

Understand I built my success. I wasn't born a ladies man, having no problems at dating at all. There was a lot of lumps taken, a lot of crushed ego, a lot of trial and error, until I had a better understand of how dating works.

 

Because of this, I have a chip on my shoulder and I'm out to prove every girl who ever friend zoned me that she made an epic fail of a mistake, and to let every guy know that I am a threat. Not some push over "beta" (although I don't like using these terms).

 

In other words, I go above and beyond, I over compensate, and I agree, that says a lot about how I truly feel about myself. But sometimes I feel it's warranted for what I had to deal with early on in my dating experiences.

[MrCastle]

This convinces me even more of my theory. You display a lot of narcissism here:

 

"I feel like I was put here to do great things. To serve the world on a large scale. To be somebody.

 

I wake up everyday with that in the back of my mind. That someday I will change the world."

 

That's a pretty grandiose statement.

 

It is no doubt grandiose but I feel it. Everything I've ever put my mind to, I've excelled at. Hell, even sometimes when I mail it in (like when it comes to school), I still get accolades.

 

I feel like, all the stuff I dealt with early on in life, especially romantically, was to strengthen me for the role I'll take on later in life.

 

I feel battle tested. I feel like I have the mental and emotional strength to handle obstacles that may face me as I grow into the man I want to be. A man of power.

 

I understand this all seems like narcissistic blabber but keep in mind the only people who actually accomplish their dreams are the ones who believe they can accomplish them.

 

I'm all in on this idea. I don't waver when it comes to my future and place in this world. I know what I want and I'm gonna go after it. I'm not saying "hopefully someday, maybe, possibly."

 

I believe I will change the world. That's the first step to changing it.

[tuxedo cat]

It is no doubt grandiose but I feel it. Everything I've ever put my mind to, I've excelled at. Hell, even sometimes when I mail it in (like when it comes to school), I still get accolades.

 

I feel like, all the stuff I dealt with early on in life, especially romantically, was to strengthen me for the role I'll take on later in life.

 

I feel battle tested. I feel like I have the mental and emotional strength to handle obstacles that may face me as I grow into the man I want to be. A man of power.

 

I understand this all seems like narcissistic blabber but keep in mind the only people who actually accomplish their dreams are the ones who believe they can accomplish them.

 

I'm all in on this idea. I don't waver when it comes to my future and place in this world. I know what I want and I'm gonna go after it. I'm not saying "hopefully someday, maybe, possibly."

 

I believe I will change the world. That's the first step to changing it.

 

I'm not doubting your potential but I hope you're reflective enough to recognize that most normal people do not talk this way, and that includes very smart, accomplished people. That you immediately turned this into a defense of your abilities when that wasn't my point is another example of narcissism.

 

I wasn't trying to question how capable you are but simply pointing out that your grandiosity is a hallmark of narcissism. So your romantic troubles are no mystery: narcissists are often incapable of loving other people, at least in a romantic capacity. (Read a book called Malignant Self Love about this subject.) So either change your self focus, or accept that you may never fall in love.

[johan]

Well, I don't know about the world, but I'm convinced I was at least born to change my cubicle. And maybe the walkway outside it.

[MrCastle]

I'm not doubting your potential but I hope you're reflective enough to recognize that most normal people do not talk this way, and that includes very smart, accomplished people. That you immediately turned this into a defense of your abilities when that wasn't my point is another example of narcissism.

 

I wasn't trying to question how capable you are but simply pointing out that your grandiosity is a hallmark of narcissism. So your romantic troubles are no mystery: narcissists are often incapable of loving other people, at least in a romantic capacity. (Read a book called Malignant Self Love about this subject.) So either change your self focus, or accept that you may never fall in love.

 

I don't know if my post was in defense. Although I certainly could see why you'd say that. I'm just saying. It's not like I woke up one day and decided I was going to change the world. It's due to some of my past accomplishments that I feel like I'm here for something big, that's all.

 

I do focus on myself, but at the same time, I am fully capable of seeing life through another person's eyes. I don't want there to be any doubt that I'm thoughtful, humble in some areas (admittedly, not all), and compassionate. In most instances, I always ask "how would I feel if someone said this/did this to me". I'm always thinking of the other person. That is part of how I became so self aware, because I'm always thinking of how people look at me, what their perception of me is. Of course I obsess over that stuff because as you've pointed out, I have narcissistic tendencies. I made a thread a few days ago about image being very important to me, so that is right in line with the stuff you're saying now.

 

I'm not totally sure how to handle this though. I mean, it's not like I've never met a woman I felt was good enough for me--I have. They've just been taken. And this is not some "I only like her because she's off the market" kind of like. If they broke up with their SO tomorrow I would be all over them.

 

I also don't demand anything I don't ask for in myself. And I think my standards are pretty reasonable. Physical attraction is subjective so I can't speak on that, but things like being drug free? being educated or at the very least, smart? Being witty? Being creative? I am all these things. I believe then, that if I exist, so too does my female equivalent.

[MrCastle]

Oh, and for the part about "most smart accomplished people don't say things like this" -- they may not be saying it, but they're all thinking it.

[Star Gazer]

I'm in agreement with TC, Castle. Your posts (and I'm speaking only of those in this thread) smack of narcissism.

 

Most of us have high standards. You expect perfection in a woman and in a relationship because you think of yourself as near perfection. You're not perfect. You gotta knock yourself off that pedestal before you'll ever be able to appreciate an amazing and flawed person.

[Star Gazer]

Oh, and for the part about "most smart accomplished people don't say things like this" -- they may not be saying it, but they're all thinking it.

 

Totally disagree. Those who think the way you do are narcissists.

[MrCastle]

Totally disagree. Those who think the way you do are narcissists.

 

People who make it big, the majority of them, made it because they believed in themselves. They felt they were the best at what they did, and became the best. Not too many successful people struggling with self esteem/confidence issues.

[MrCastle]

I'm in agreement with TC, Castle. Your posts (and I'm speaking only of those in this thread) smack of narcissism.

 

Most of us have high standards. You expect perfection in a woman and in a relationship because you think of yourself as near perfection. You're not perfect. You gotta knock yourself off that pedestal before you'll ever be able to appreciate an amazing and flawed person.

 

I am far from perfect. Like I said, all I expect, is someone like me, in female form.

 

I don't think the things I listed are necessarily qualities of a "perfect" or even "near perfect" person. Asking for someone to be of above average intelligence and to be drug free hardly constitutes as unrealistic standards, right?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have dealt with many narcissistic men, including just returning from a date with one

 

Those men were all complete a-holes. Castle comes through as someone who actually has an emphatic and sensitive side underneath. I think that he has learned to put on a cocky/confident act to attract girls. People read too much into it. I am sure that over time you acquire some traits of the act you are putting on so there is a duality in his posts: who he is vs who he thinks he should be.

 

I don't think he has his identity down quite yet, and at 25 that's quite OK.

 

As for being self involved, who isn't on this forum?

[MrCastle]

I have dealt with many narcissistic men, including just returning from a date with one

 

Those men were all complete a-holes. Castle comes through as someone who actually has an emphatic and sensitive side underneath. I think that he has learned to put on a cocky/confident act to attract girls. People read too much into it. I am sure that over time you acquire some traits of the act you are putting on so there is a duality in his posts: who he is vs who he thinks he should be.

 

I don't think he has his identity down quite yet, and at 25 that's quite OK.

 

As for being self involved, who isn't on this forum?

 

You are absolutely gorgeous in your new avy, ES.

 

Anyway, yes, I totally agree.

 

I used to be the "friend", the "nice guy". It got me nowhere dating wise.

 

So I had to teach myself how to be a man. I had to see what worked and what didn't.

 

I am still carving out my identity and I have admitted as much in previous posts.

 

I'm caught up between who I am, who I want to be, as well as who people think I am, and whether or not I should live up to who they think I am.

 

The world is a very confusing place sometimes, especially for a 25 year old struggling to find himself.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You are absolutely gorgeous in your new avy, ES.

 

Anyway, yes, I totally agree.

 

I used to be the "friend", the "nice guy". It got me nowhere dating wise.

 

So I had to teach myself how to be a man. I had to see what worked and what didn't.

 

I am still carving out my identity and I have admitted as much in previous posts.

 

I'm caught up between who I am, who I want to be, as well as who people think I am, and whether or not I should live up to who they think I am.

 

The world is a very confusing place sometimes, especially for a 25 year old struggling to find himself.

 

Bolded is not easy to do at all. Many men on LS complain and basically fail at doing exactly that. So I have no doubt of your potential in accomplishing other great things as well.

 

BTW you should never try to live up to who others think that you are, only who YOU think that you are. I do think that you are harder on yourself than other people will ever be.

[Els]

My expectations for love are no different. I can't settle for a typical relationship, just like I can't settle for a typical life. I need the kind of love you only see in movies. Pure, raw, uninhibited love for another human being, both physically and personality wise. Until I get that "soul mate" feeling (yes, I believe in soul mates), I don't want to settle down.

 

My fear is I will end up alone eventually if no woman meets these standards. I fear I'm too proud to settle or compromise my positions so that puts me at either ending up completely alone, or ending up happily ever after with the love of my life. No room for in between.

 

Oh, Castle. I can assure you that many of us who get in LTRs are not doing it just for the sake of it. Pure, raw, uninhibited love absolutely exists! You may not have found it yet but you're only 25 - there's plenty of time. FWIW, I believe in soulmates, too, except that I don't believe that soulmates are perfect one-on-one matches in which every person on earth has one and only one of the opposite sex - it would be mathematically infeasible for such people to meet in that case.

 

I don't think you should settle for anything less than that sort of love. I do however think that there is much that you can do to put yourself in a position to meet these women and have them be open to a R with you. I also feel that modesty and a less transactional attitude with regards to relationships may help you.

[Archgirl]

I'm with you on everything Els, right up to the modesty bit.

 

Because it means I'm totally screwed.

 

Ok seriously,

 

I don't think there's any virtue in false modesty. Happiness and self confidence comes from acknowledging your faults and being justifiably proud in who you are and what you have achieved.

 

Additionally, I fail to see how pretending to be something you're not/be less than you are for the sake of other people's insecurities is likely to have a very positive effect on finding a soulmate.

 

 

Plus: being theatrically arrogant is freakin hilarious! Don't encourage him to stop!

Edited March 30, 2013 by Archgirl

[Els]

I'm with you on everything Els, right up to the modesty bit.

 

Because it means I'm totally screwed.

 

Ok seriously,

 

I don't think there's any virtue in false modesty. Happiness and self confidence comes from acknowledging your faults and being justifiably proud in who you are and what you have achieved.

 

Additionally, I fail to see how pretending to be something you're not/be less than you are for the sake of other people's insecurities is likely to have a very positive effect on finding a soulmate.

 

 

Plus: being theatrically arrogant is freakin hilarious! Don't encourage him to stop!

 

It's not something I can put my finger on, AG. I totally agree that people should acknowledge what they're good at. False modesty is not attractive.

 

Modesty is, however.

[ErosOcean]

Interesting...

 

I went through a period of extremes from one end to another. I've experimented in the dating realm to see what worked. I too have that vision that I am meant for greater things, to be somebody, to change the world, to make a difference and inspire people. And I was a confused guy struggling to find myself.

 

Could this mean we are soulmates?!!

 

I mean there really is no universal law that says your "perfect other" is going to be the gender of your choice.

 

Just kidding!

 

But seriously, I think you have so many barriers, or checkpoints, that even if you were to meet your perfect match - you wouldn't even know it. Or because your abnormal screening of women is so rigid, you would create what is known as a false-positive and would screen out that perfect girl.

 

So stop trying to find "the one" and just let it happen. Meet women, have fun, don't have an agenda.

 

It's strange, but it usually works out better this way...

 

Plus, I don't think worrying about being alone in the future should be a concern. Since most people have shown that you can find "the one" after about a hundred divorces.

[tuxedo cat]

I have dealt with many narcissistic men, including just returning from a date with one

 

Those men were all complete a-holes. Castle comes through as someone who actually has an emphatic and sensitive side underneath. I think that he has learned to put on a cocky/confident act to attract girls. People read too much into it. I am sure that over time you acquire some traits of the act you are putting on so there is a duality in his posts: who he is vs who he thinks he should be.

 

I don't think he has his identity down quite yet, and at 25 that's quite OK.

 

As for being self involved, who isn't on this forum?

 

My experience has been different. All of the narcissistic people I've known had an empathetic and sensitive side, at least on the surface. If they were blatant jerks to everyone people would avoid them.

 

Anyway I don't want to tear MC down. I've never met him, and he has been nice to me on here. I'm not saying he has a personality disorder or anything so extreme, but a narcissistic streak does come through in his writing. I think he has to come to terms with the flaws in himself and others if he wants to fall in love.

[tuxedo cat]

Archgirl:

 

It's a matter of extremes. Coming to terms with the fact that you're an imperfect human isn't false modesty -- it's realism.

[Els]

My experience has been different. All of the narcissistic people I've known had an empathetic and sensitive side, at least on the surface. If they were blatant jerks to everyone people would avoid them.

 

Anyway I don't want to tear MC down. I've never met him, and he has been nice to me on here. I'm not saying he has a personality disorder or anything so extreme, but a narcissistic streak does come through in his writing. I think he has to come to terms with the flaws in himself and others if he wants to fall in love.

 

I definitely don't think Castle has a 'disorder' per se, especially not an extreme one... simply that that is one of the things he can work on. We all have things we can work on, after all. But then again, we're all strangers judging him off of a text forum. He may well not have an issue with narcissism at all - and if he has genuinely considered it, had a therapist evaluate him, and decides we are wrong, then we could well be wrong.

[tuxedo cat]

I definitely don't think Castle has a 'disorder' per se, especially not an extreme one... simply that that is one of the things he can work on. We all have things we can work on, after all. But then again, we're all strangers judging him off of a text forum. He may well not have an issue with narcissism at all - and if he has genuinely considered it, had a therapist evaluate him, and decides we are wrong, then we could well be wrong.

 

Right, I wasn't saying he has a personality disorder, nor would I be qualified to make that call.

 

But unless his posts about himself are facetious, it's clear he has narcissistic facets to his personality (he acknowledges this) that may be interfering with his romantic life.

Edited March 30, 2013 by tuxedo cat

[Divasu]

Well, I don't know about the world, but I'm convinced I was at least born to change my cubicle. And maybe the walkway outside it.

 

If you don't have any insights to offer to make it easier for the OP, then...well...you know.

 

I'm not sure what to do

 

OP, this is your motto right now:

 

You're 25, enjoy it.

 

Just be honest in your dealings if you can (not saying you aren't, I have no idea). That is all.

[MrCastle]

I do think this narcissism storyline is being a bit over played. I admit that I have some traits that you could classify as being narcissistic but they mostly have to do with me being very hard on myself when it comes to image/appearance (I am my harshest critic).

 

What separates me from the stereotypical ego maniac is my capacity to put others before myself. I am always thinking of how my decisions affect others and whatnot and have no problem putting their needs before my own.

 

Again, as I've stated before, a lot of what I say serves to entertain. If I can get someone to laugh or smile (which brings me great joy) then I've done my job. I love entertaining others, and on this particular forum, that includes playing up this role as this guy who is super into himself.

 

We all have insecurities that eat us alive. I know I certainly have them, and have been pretty honest about some of them on this site, I'm not sure someone who is a true "narcissist" would be able to be as transparent and honest about their feelings and flaws as I am, nor would they be able to admit they have traits that make them narcissistic.

 

I think it's a common knee jerk reaction whenever someone asks for dating advice, those giving advice are quick to analyze the OP, and their behavior, which is understandably so, since they have nothing else to go on. But it would serve them better if they also looked at the other picture.

 

I think the conversation should move to women. The fact that I'm finding it hard to find a physically attractive woman with a decent personality is in my opinion, alarming. The fact that I'm struggling to find a pretty woman who isn't immature, shallow, stuck up, into partying, or all of the above, is something that should be looked at. Like I said, I don't think I'm asking for a whole lot, but maybe in this day and age, I am.

[tuxedo cat]

I do think this narcissism storyline is being a bit over played. I admit that I have some traits that you could classify as being narcissistic but they mostly have to do with me being very hard on myself when it comes to image/appearance (I am my harshest critic).

 

What separates me from the stereotypical ego maniac is my capacity to put others before myself. I am always thinking of how my decisions affect others and whatnot and have no problem putting their needs before my own.

 

Again, as I've stated before, a lot of what I say serves to entertain. If I can get someone to laugh or smile (which brings me great joy) then I've done my job. I love entertaining others, and on this particular forum, that includes playing up this role as this guy who is super into himself.

 

We all have insecurities that eat us alive. I know I certainly have them, and have been pretty honest about some of them on this site, I'm not sure someone who is a true "narcissist" would be able to be as transparent and honest about their feelings and flaws as I am, nor would they be able to admit they have traits that make them narcissistic.

 

I think it's a common knee jerk reaction whenever someone asks for dating advice, those giving advice are quick to analyze the OP, and their behavior, which is understandably so, since they have nothing else to go on. But it would serve them better if they also looked at the other picture.

 

I think the conversation should move to women. The fact that I'm finding it hard to find a physically attractive woman with a decent personality is in my opinion, alarming. The fact that I'm struggling to find a pretty woman who isn't immature, shallow, stuck up, into partying, or all of the above, is something that should be looked at. Like I said, I don't think I'm asking for a whole lot, but maybe in this day and age, I am.

 

Where are you trying to meet girls? Do you have an OKCupid account? Why not try to meet somebody your age or even a couple of years older? They are more likely to be mature in their outlook.