Fear Of Being Alone Long Term

[MrCastle]

Where are you trying to meet girls? Do you have an OKCupid account? Why not try to meet somebody your age or even a couple of years older? They are more likely to be mature in their outlook.

 

Online dating is a joke.

 

I have used pretty much exclusively social circle dating. I didn't think being 25 in college was a terrible situation, being that the bulk of women I talk to are 21-22, but it seems there is an extreme difference in maturity within those 3-4 years.

 

I have a few older women I've met, ranging from 27 to early 30s and they in fact do seem to "get it" or "get me," much better than a young girl (and I use the term girl purposely) does, but women that age seem to want to get real serious. Like move in together and talk about marriage serious. And I am nowhere near that stuff yet.

 

I have so much life I want to live before we talk about marriage and kids and all that.

 

I desperately want to believe there are 23-25 year old single women that fit the mold I'm looking for, but that has not been my experience.

 

Since I don't use OLD, I'm not sure how else I can meet women. I have recently thought about taking cold approaches more seriously, although I know not much may come from that.

[Star Gazer]

I think the conversation should move to women. The fact that I'm finding it hard to find a physically attractive woman with a decent personality is in my opinion, alarming. The fact that I'm struggling to find a pretty woman who isn't immature, shallow, stuck up, into partying, or all of the above, is something that should be looked at. Like I said, I don't think I'm asking for a whole lot, but maybe in this day and age, I am.

 

Okay, so who's "fault" do you think it is that you're unable to find what you're looking for?

[soccerrprp]

Online dating is a joke.

 

Never know if you don't try or really take your time with it.

 

I've met a number of decent ladies from it.

[AlexDP]

This is something that has been bothering me recently. I feel like a lot of people my age (25) are getting ready to settle down. A few of them are already living with their significant other, and those few that are single are looking for something long term.

 

If you follow my posts, you know I bounce back and forth between wanting to keep doing what I'm doing (multi dating) and finding a girl to settle down with.

 

The problem is, I believe that you should only settle down when you think you've found "the one."

 

I have never been in love in my life. This is weird to me, since I can't think of anyone my age who has hasn't been in love at least once. I need to wowed, I need to be knocked off my feet, in order for me to fall in love.

 

Sometimes I think I expect too much from women; my standards are too high. At the same time though, I only look for things in people that I have myself. A free spirit, like myself. A creative type, like myself. Drug free, like myself, etc. I exist, so wouldn't it also make sense that my female equivalent also exists?

 

But if it's not one thing, it's another. This is what I keep coming across:

 

1.) Physically my type, personality wise not my type

2.) Personality wise my type, physically not my type

3.) Both physically and personality wise my type, but taken

 

I can't see myself sacrificing one over the other or feel like I'm "settling". That's not fair to her or me. She needs to meet my physical and personal standards. That's the only way it can work.

 

I wouldn't mind not settling down until I'm in my early 30s or something, however, I realize most women my age want to settle down before then. I feel like if I keep up what I'm doing, I'm gonna be 32 with all the great women my age all tied up in relationships. Hell, it's happening now.

 

Like I've said many times though, you can improve your dating life, but you can't improve your chances of finding true love. It just happens. I mean it could happen tomorrow, or it could never happen.

 

I'm not sure what to do

 

You don't have to be a stereotype, you know. Let it go. Be a real person.

[tuxedo cat]

Online dating is a joke.

 

I have used pretty much exclusively social circle dating. I didn't think being 25 in college was a terrible situation, being that the bulk of women I talk to are 21-22, but it seems there is an extreme difference in maturity within those 3-4 years.

 

I have a few older women I've met, ranging from 27 to early 30s and they in fact do seem to "get it" or "get me," much better than a young girl (and I use the term girl purposely) does, but women that age seem to want to get real serious. Like move in together and talk about marriage serious. And I am nowhere near that stuff yet.

 

I have so much life I want to live before we talk about marriage and kids and all that.

 

I desperately want to believe there are 23-25 year old single women that fit the mold I'm looking for, but that has not been my experience.

 

Since I don't use OLD, I'm not sure how else I can meet women. I have recently thought about taking cold approaches more seriously, although I know not much may come from that.

 

There are plenty of young attractive women who aren't shallow and are looking for serious relationships. And also it's not like women hit a certain age and suddenly need marriage and kids NOW without getting to know someone first.

 

I think you must be looking in the wrong places or judging the people you're meeting way too harshly.

 

Also how pretty do you need the woman to be? Just attractive or gorgeous? If you're just going after gorgeous women that's going to really limit your options.

[ThaWholigan]

 

I think the conversation should move to women. The fact that I'm finding it hard to find a physically attractive woman with a decent personality is in my opinion, alarming. The fact that I'm struggling to find a pretty woman who isn't immature, shallow, stuck up, into partying, or all of the above, is something that should be looked at. Like I said, I don't think I'm asking for a whole lot, but maybe in this day and age, I am.

 

It really depends on your demographic and how far you're willing to step outside of it. It's possible you have a mindset of "impress me" when it comes to women that may hinder you, as you will constantly have women struggling to meet your requirements to wow you, and thus you will always be unsatisfied. To an extent, you have to allow yourself to be wowed, otherwise it will be difficult to be impressed by a girl. Maybe not in terms of her physical presence, but in terms of how she brings that across. Maybe it is because I am finding it increasingly easy to connect with people nowadays, I do not know - but I found that I constantly find joy in little things and big things, even if it doesn't completely wow me. So maybe it is something to consider. The need to be "wowed" may be hindering you.

 

FWIW regarding your other posts, I firmly understand your feeling about there being a higher purpose for you. I have had that thrust upon me for many years by others, so I often have the feeling that I'm meant to do something magnificent. I don't think that makes me narcissistic either, so I don't think you display that. I perhaps think that your persona is taken a little too seriously on here .

[johan]

You don't have to be a stereotype, you know. Let it go. Be a real person.

 

I would say that Castle is describing feelings everyone has at some point. it's part of maturing. It's important to question and wonder about things you go through in life, but in this respect Castle is on the same path pretty much everyone goes down. There are no answers. Ultimately you find out you have to come to terms with these things on your own.

[Star Gazer]

I would say that Castle is describing feelings everyone has at some point. it's part of maturing. It's important to question and wonder about things you go through in life, but in this respect Castle is on the same path pretty much everyone goes down. There are no answers. Ultimately you find out you have to come to terms with these things on your own.

 

This is true.

 

I think many of us can relate to the things he's feeling.

 

I started thinking the same thing just a couple years ago, and I wish I'd started the process sooner. He'll be okay.

[MrCastle]

Okay, so who's "fault" do you think it is that you're unable to find what you're looking for?

 

I don't know if we can find "fault" per se on either party. I've said before luck plays a bigger role than most people are willing to admit. I just haven't had much luck finding women I deem "high quality."

 

For those talking about OLD, been there, done that. It doesn't work for me.

 

Wholigan brings up an interesting point, I definitely do approach every new woman with an "impress me" attitude. Almost like they are auditioning. I don't know how I can turn this off. Like I said, I feel like I can't live a typical life, and that transfers over to my love life. I want to be part of a power couple. Two people that are both motivated, aspiring to accomplish great things, support each other and encourage them to follow their dreams, and share a strong physical attraction to one another.

[pie2]

"When you're young and always looking at the far side of the hill, you might miss the fairest flower standing by you very still". ~ Peter, Paul and Mary

 

Castle, you're a really smart guy, and I know you'll figure this all out, in time. You are young, and life isn't going to pass you by in any way. If you look for something, you'll find it. So, if your start to look for women who are, in your eyes commitment-worthy, you'll definitely find them .

 

I think though, that the main question is how you define commitment-worthy. You've mentioned finding an attractive, free-spirited, creative, drug-free woman. Obviously drug-free is a biggie! But if you are truly looking for a LTR, I'd say take a close look at the people who have built long-term relationships, and figure out which traits really matter, in the long run (things like emotionally stable, perserverance, faithfulness). Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with your female twin? Couples often bring differing traits and characteristics to the relationship, and it's a beautiful thing .

[MrCastle]

There are plenty of young attractive women who aren't shallow and are looking for serious relationships. And also it's not like women hit a certain age and suddenly need marriage and kids NOW without getting to know someone first.

 

I think you must be looking in the wrong places or judging the people you're meeting way too harshly.

 

Also how pretty do you need the woman to be? Just attractive or gorgeous? If you're just going after gorgeous women that's going to really limit your options.

 

Again, looks are subjective. A girl who is "gorgeous" to me may be neutral or even "ugly" to somene else. But, yeah, I only want a LTR with someone I deem "gorgeous," but isn't that most people? No one looks at their partner and says "eh."

[MrCastle]

"When you're young and always looking at the far side of the hill, you might miss the fairest flower standing by you very still". ~ Peter, Paul and Mary

 

Castle, you're a really smart guy, and I know you'll figure this all out, in time. You are young, and life isn't going to pass you by in any way. If you look for something, you'll find it. So, if your start to look for women who are, in your eyes commitment-worthy, you'll definitely find them .

 

I think though, that the main question is how you define commitment-worthy. You've mentioned finding an attractive, free-spirited, creative, drug-free woman. Obviously drug-free is a biggie! But if you are truly looking for a LTR, I'd say take a close look at the people who have built long-term relationships, and figure out which traits really matter, in the long run (things like emotionally stable, perserverance, faithfulness). Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with your female twin? Couples often bring differing traits and characteristics to the relationship, and it's a beautiful thing .

 

Thank you for kind words. Much appreciated. I don't know. I think most relationships that last are the ones where people have a lot of stuff in common. This "opposites attract" idea is somewhat overblown. Most strong couples are those that share a lot of similar beliefs and interests. I guess that's my reasoning for finding a female twin.

 

I've dated some girls that were opposite of me, or had some differences, and it was fun for the short term, but ultimately it couldn't work in the long run.

[tuxedo cat]

Again, looks are subjective. A girl who is "gorgeous" to me may be neutral or even "ugly" to somene else. But, yeah, I only want a LTR with someone I deem "gorgeous," but isn't that most people? No one looks at their partner and says "eh."

 

No, I think most people are happy to be with somebody they consider very attractive. That person may become "gorgeous" to them as they fall in love, but I don't think most guys require a girlfriend to be "objectively" gorgeous.

[pie2]

I think most relationships that last are the ones where people have a lot of stuff in common. This "opposites attract" idea is somewhat overblown. Most strong couples are those that share a lot of similar beliefs and interests. I guess that's my reasoning for finding a female twin.

 

I've dated some girls that were opposite of me, or had some differences, and it was fun for the short term, but ultimately it couldn't work in the long run.

 

I completely agree with you, there are many ways that it's much easier to be alike, rather than different. Like education level, cultural background, etc. But, I do think you could have a wonderful, supportive, amazing relationship with someone who is a bit more on the practical side, rather than the creative/free-spirit side. You both could complement each other.

 

LOL...but really, I don't know you Take what I say with a big ol' grain of salt. You know what you need .

 

I think you're right though...being alike in some areas makes a LTR much easier.

[MrCastle]

No, I think most people are happy to be with somebody they consider very attractive. That person may become "gorgeous" to them as they fall in love, but I don't think most guys require a girlfriend to be "objectively" gorgeous.

 

She doesn't have to be "objectively" gorgeous. She just needs to be gorgeous to me.

 

I could see it being a problem if I had shallow requirements like "her boob size must be _____, her hair color must be _____"

 

Throughout the years, I have found myself attracted to all sorts of women. Skinny, hour glass, a little more meat on them, blonde, brunette, redhead, white, asian, black, hispanic, middle eastern, older, younger, etc.

 

I love women period. They are everything to me. I can find beauty in all kinds of women.

 

Yes I have physical preferences but if a girl is gorgeous to me, those preferences go out the window. I.e., I'm not gonna turn down a beautiful redhead because she's not a brunette.

[somedude81]

I think the conversation should move to women. The fact that I'm finding it hard to find a physically attractive woman with a decent personality is in my opinion, alarming. The fact that I'm struggling to find a pretty woman who isn't immature, shallow, stuck up, into partying, or all of the above, is something that should be looked at. Like I said,

 

I don't think I'm asking for a whole lot, but maybe in this day and age, I am.

Damn right you are. And you know it too.

 

The more posts I read from you, the more obvious it is how ridiculous your standards are.

 

The simple fact that you are good with women is why you aren't torn apart by everybody here.

 

Do you ever see how much hate I get for simply saying the only standards I have is that I want a half-way decent looking girl who weighs less than I do. And even then people keep trying to convince me to give the bigger girls a chance even though I have zero attraction to them.

 

If I posted about how I want a girl that is gorgeous I'd get laughed off the forum.

 

The double standard here is ridiculous.

[ThaWholigan]

Wholigan brings up an interesting point, I definitely do approach every new woman with an "impress me" attitude. Almost like they are auditioning. I don't know how I can turn this off. Like I said, I feel like I can't live a typical life, and that transfers over to my love life. I want to be part of a power couple. Two people that are both motivated, aspiring to accomplish great things, support each other and encourage them to follow their dreams, and share a strong physical attraction to one another.

 

You are speaking my language....I have the same vision of a partner. I have even used the term power couple. My brother today said I need to be with a more aggressive woman too!

 

But yeah, the "impress me" attitude will be your bane at some point. Instead of thinking about what they can offer you, try to focus more on what you can offer them, and you may see them flourish in a way you wouldn't imagine.

[MrCastle]

Damn right you are. And you know it too.

 

The more posts I read from you, the more obvious it is how ridiculous your standards are.

 

The simple fact that you are good with women is why you aren't torn apart by everybody here.

 

Do you ever see how much hate I get for simply saying the only standards I have is that I want a half-way decent looking girl who weighs less than I do. And even then people keep trying to convince me to give the bigger girls a chance even though I have zero attraction to them.

 

If I posted about how I want a girl that is gorgeous I'd get laughed off the forum.

 

The double standard here is ridiculous.

 

I don't think you get heat on here for your standards in women. I think you get heat on here for continuously ignoring advice given to you by both male and female members.

 

Your threads often go 10+ pages because people honestly do want to help you and want to see you succeed, but every bit of advice people give you, you find a way to discredit it or explain why it won't work for you.

 

People treat me differently because I act differently.

 

I take into account everyone's advice, whether I agree with it or not, and examine all possible angles.

 

Your threads seem to center around the same basic idea: "This is what I believe, try to prove me wrong", mine are more like "I'm not sure where I stand on this, what do you guys think?"

[tuxedo cat]

Damn right you are. And you know it too.

 

The more posts I read from you, the more obvious it is how ridiculous your standards are.

 

The simple fact that you are good with women is why you aren't torn apart by everybody here.

 

Do you ever see how much hate I get for simply saying the only standards I have is that I want a half-way decent looking girl who weighs less than I do. And even then people keep trying to convince me to give the bigger girls a chance even though I have zero attraction to them.

 

If I posted about how I want a girl that is gorgeous I'd get laughed off the forum.

 

The double standard here is ridiculous.

 

For once I agree with you! haha

[somedude81]

I don't think you get heat on here for your standards in women.

Yes I do and it happens very often from a good number of members. Most of them female who seem to have a bone to pick with me. They don't attack you because you aren't seen as easy of a target as I am.

 

I think you get heat on here for continuously ignoring advice given to you by both male and female members.

 

Your threads often go 10+ pages because people honestly do want to help you and want to see you succeed, but every bit of advice people give you, you find a way to discredit it or explain why it won't work for you.

 

People treat me differently because I act differently.

 

I take into account everyone's advice, whether I agree with it or not, and examine all possible angles.

 

Your threads seem to center around the same basic idea: "This is what I believe, try to prove me wrong", mine are more like "I'm not sure where I stand on this, what do you guys think?"

No, I think there is a bullying mentality. The people who seem to have the most trouble are the ones that get bullied, the ones who are doing fine, get ignored. This is just human nature.

 

As for your problem, you just need to look for an area that has lots of highly educated women. More often then not, there will be some very good looking ones mixed in there. That should be much easier then trying to go to a place where there are lots of pretty girls and trying to find somebody who is intelligent and mature enough for you.

[MrCastle]

Yes I do and it happens very often from a good number of members. Most of them female who seem to have a bone to pick with me. They don't attack you because you aren't seen as easy of a target as I am.[/Quote]

 

Are you kidding me? I get ripped to shreds on here sometimes because of my lifestyle. Anytime I make a thread like this, it opens the floodgates for women to question my character or take shots at my multi dating lifestyle.

 

Being ego driven, selfish, being a player, using women, etc. Some men chime in too.

 

My belief is the women have been burned by a player type, the men have lost out to the player type, they see me as the player type, and decide this is when they're going to get their shots in. So they say things like "this is what you get for being player, you will never have a LTR, you will never find love," etc.

 

Although, I am far from a player, they have me labeled as such, and as a result, take that opportunity to let me have it.

 

No, I think there is a bullying mentality. The people who seem to have the most trouble are the ones that get bullied, the ones who are doing fine, get ignored. This is just human nature.[/Quote]

 

I used to be just like you. But once I stopped complaining and stopped feeling sorry myself, I got respect, and I saw success. The only people who get bullied are those who allow themselves to get bullied.

 

As for your problem, you just need to look for an area that has lots of highly educated women. More often then not, there will be some very good looking ones mixed in there. That should be much easier then trying to go to a place where there are lots of pretty girls and trying to find somebody who is intelligent and mature enough for you.

 

The problem is, these women have standards of their own that I may not meet. I mean I'm not just picking out girls to date like I'm at a candy store. There is a lot of elements involved. I'm not her type, or she's not my type. Or she is my type and she likes me, but she's taken. Many factors at play here.

[mesmerized]

I know how you feel. I feel the same way. I also have high standards and won't settle for less. If I have to settle for less, the relationship would feel like a prison to me...

 

You're a guy and you're still young. I really don't think you have to worry about this. Me on the other hand... I should probably give up and start buying cats!

[MrCastle]

I know how you feel. I feel the same way. I also have high standards and won't settle for less. If I have to settle for less, the relationship would feel like a prison to me...

 

You're a guy and you're still young. I really don't think you have to worry about this. Me on the other hand... I should probably give up and start buying cats!

 

From what I hear you should have no problem meeting men. Aren't you my age though?

[mesmerized]

From what I hear you should have no problem meeting men. Aren't you my age though?

 

28, so not too far from your age. Meeting men is one thing, meeting quality men I want to get in relationship with is another. I sure have problem meeting men who have the whole package (looks + personality) I look for in a partner.

[MrCastle]

28, so not too far from your age. Meeting men is one thing, meeting quality men I want to get in relationship with is another. I sure have problem meeting men who have the whole package (looks + personality) I look for in a partner.

 

This is what I'm dealing with. Do you fear that it may never work out? Are you alright with that possibility? I think I'd rather be alone than be with someone I wasn't crazy about. Although if I'm in my 30's and still nothing doing, I may feel differently.