Fear Of Being Alone Long Term

[Archgirl]

This is what I'm dealing with. Do you fear that it may never work out? Are you alright with that possibility? I think I'd rather be alone than be with someone I wasn't crazy about. Although if I'm in my 30's and still nothing doing, I may feel differently.

 

Nah who cares. It's probably easier in your thirties with all those couples who were together in their 20s busting up.

 

For me it's not just the checklist of looks intelligence etc.

 

I want zing! I want knock me over chemistry and enough passion that it lasts.

 

I'd definitely rather be single than in a relationship without that.

[mesmerized]

This is what I'm dealing with. Do you fear that it may never work out? Are you alright with that possibility? I think I'd rather be alone than be with someone I wasn't crazy about. Although if I'm in my 30's and still nothing doing, I may feel differently.

 

Yeah I do fear, very much so. But I try not to think about it too much. Like you said, maybe I'll also have to revisit my standards in a few years. Or find ways to meet more men. I've become more of a homebuddy and that certainly does not help in meeting men.

 

Nah who cares. It's probably easier in your thirties with all those couples who were together in their 20s busting up.

 

For me it's not just the checklist of looks intelligence etc.

 

I want zing! I want knock me over chemistry and enough passion that it lasts.

 

I'd definitely rather be single than in a relationship without that.

 

Oh yeah...I want that chemistry too.

[MrCastle]

Yeah I do fear, very much so. But I try not to think about it too much. Like you said, maybe I'll also have to revisit my standards in a few years. Or find ways to meet more men. I've become more of a homebuddy and that certainly does not help in meeting men.

 

I think self improvement will also help. At least for me. I already dress pretty fashionably, but my hair was always dull. I had the short short, couldn't even run your fingers through it hairstyle just because I was lazy and having short hair was easy to manage. But I noticed most young guys (teens-early 20s) have that same look and no man I know really has a great head of hair.

 

So I grew it out so that I could style it.

 

I went from this: http://www.jtmagz.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Eminem-image-via-wgamers.jpg

 

To this: http://lawsonsmenshair.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/adam-levine-photos.jpg?w=593

 

It takes more time to style it in the morning, and it's more upkeep. But I think I look better with it.

 

I also could stand to be in better shape than I'm in now. I always lose my gains during the winter, this year more so as I was inactive because of the weather and I was battling some crappy situations that zapped my motivation. So I have some working out to do. Having a better body will automatically open up anyone's dating pool.

 

So in my efforts to become a better version of myself, maybe that will increase the amount of women interested in me, or at the very least, increase the quality level of women who may be interested in me.

[AlexDP]

I think self improvement will also help. At least for me. I already dress pretty fashionably, but my hair was always dull. I had the short short, couldn't even run your fingers through it hairstyle just because I was lazy and having short hair was easy to manage. But I noticed most young guys (teens-early 20s) have that same look and no man I know really has a great head of hair.

 

So I grew it out so that I could style it.

 

I went from this: http://www.jtmagz.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Eminem-image-via-wgamers.jpg

 

To this: http://lawsonsmenshair.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/adam-levine-photos.jpg?w=593

 

It takes more time to style it in the morning, and it's more upkeep. But I think I look better with it.

 

I also could stand to be in better shape than I'm in now. I always lose my gains during the winter, this year more so as I was inactive because of the weather and I was battling some crappy situations that zapped my motivation. So I have some working out to do. Having a better body will automatically open up anyone's dating pool.

 

So in my efforts to become a better version of myself, maybe that will increase the amount of women interested in me, or at the very least, increase the quality level of women who may be interested in me.

 

Dude. This is not about your haircut.

[MrCastle]

Dude. This is not about your haircut.

 

I'm speaking to the broader point of self improvement. The more you improve yourself, the quantity and quality of your dating pool increases.

 

I can't sit here, asking for the best woman around when I myself am not the best man I can be. That would be unrealistic.

[AlexDP]

I'm speaking to the broader point of self improvement. The more you improve yourself, the quantity and quality of your dating pool increases.

 

I can't sit here, asking for the best woman around when I myself am not the best man I can be. That would be unrealistic.

 

Being the best man you can be still has little to do with your haircut.

[MrCastle]

Being the best man you can be still has little to do with your haircut.

 

Appearance in general is a big part of attraction. Most men like long hair. If a woman shaves her head, she is no doubt affecting her dating pool.

 

In my specific case, I felt my hair was boring, and it was the same thing pretty much everyone around me is doing. I wanted to change it. So I did. I look better with this new hairstyle. It makes me look older, more mature. I've gotten a lot of more glances from women since the change. For this reason, I think changing my hairstyle was a positive improvement in my appearance.

 

I'm not sure why you're only hung up on the hair thing though. That, again, was a small part of the overall picture which is--bettering yourself so that you can get better options.

[AlexDP]

Appearance in general is a big part of attraction. Most men like long hair. If a woman shaves her head, she is no doubt affecting her dating pool.

 

In my specific case, I felt my hair was boring, and it was the same thing pretty much everyone around me is doing. I wanted to change it. So I did. I look better with this new hairstyle. It makes me look older, more mature. I've gotten a lot of more glances from women since the change. For this reason, I think changing my hairstyle was a positive improvement in my appearance.

 

I'm not sure why you're only hung up on the hair thing though. That, again, was a small part of the overall picture which is--bettering yourself so that you can get better options.

 

I'm hung up on this because you are constantly focussing on getting a "bigger pool". I see that you like the PUA lifestyle, but you know it's not going to bring you happiness. Picking up women is a skill that can enhance your life, but it can never be the focus. You should find your focus first rather than trying to get a bigger pool.

[MrCastle]

I'm hung up on this because you are constantly focussing on getting a "bigger pool". I see that you like the PUA lifestyle, but you know it's not going to bring you happiness. Picking up women is a skill that can enhance your life, but it can never be the focus. You should find your focus first rather than trying to get a bigger pool.

 

My focus is on my writing, my photography, my acting. Creative outlets, art, is my focus. Of which I am also trying to make a living/career out of.

 

That doesn't mean I can't/shouldn't be doing everything in my power to land the best quality match for me when it comes to romance.

 

And I'm not a pick up artist.

[Els]

I think the conversation should move to women. The fact that I'm finding it hard to find a physically attractive woman with a decent personality is in my opinion, alarming. The fact that I'm struggling to find a pretty woman who isn't immature, shallow, stuck up, into partying, or all of the above, is something that should be looked at. Like I said, I don't think I'm asking for a whole lot, but maybe in this day and age, I am.

 

Well, see, this is inherently related to your view of yourself. IMO there are quite many reasonably physically attractive women around with the traits you mentioned, and I see no reason your place should be any different. So I'm thinking, the 'lack of women' has to do with your perception more so than reality. Specifically, your perception of yourself in relation to them.

 

Would you describe yourself as a handsome man who isn't immature, shallow, stuck up, and into partying?

[MrCastle]

Well, see, this is inherently related to your view of yourself. IMO there are quite many reasonably physically attractive women around with the traits you mentioned, and I see no reason your place should be any different. So I'm thinking, the 'lack of women' has to do with your perception more so than reality. Specifically, your perception of yourself in relation to them.

 

Would you describe yourself as a handsome man who isn't immature, shallow, stuck up, and into partying?

 

I think I'm an attractive man with a lot to offer, and it's only right I get a woman who is the same.

 

It is not that hard to believe, I think, that my pool is lacking. Online dating is a joke, so I've ruled that out, and my social circle is full of quality women who are taken. That leaves me two choices, expand my social circle, and cold approach. Since I have not gone the cold approach route yet (I will very soon), I'm limited to my social circle. Not a whole lot of knockouts that are single.

 

I just don't know of any woman (ever in my life) who was a total catch, and remained single for more than 2 months. The good ones just can't seem to stay single for very long. Not sure why. I know many quality men who can go months, years even, living the single life. Maybe men and women are just wired differently in that regard. So to find a great woman who is single, is hard enough, but that's only half the battle. Then she has to be into me. It's not easy.

[Els]

I think I'm an attractive man with a lot to offer, and it's only right I get a woman who is the same.

 

It is not that hard to believe, I think, that my pool is lacking. Online dating is a joke, so I've ruled that out, and my social circle is full of quality women who are taken. That leaves me two choices, expand my social circle, and cold approach. Since I have not gone the cold approach route yet (I will very soon), I'm limited to my social circle. Not a whole lot of knockouts that are single.

 

I just don't know of any woman (ever in my life) who was a total catch, and remained single for more than 2 months. The good ones just can't seem to stay single for very long. Not sure why. I know many quality men who can go months, years even, living the single life. Maybe men and women are just wired differently in that regard. So to find a great woman who is single, is hard enough, but that's only half the battle. Then she has to be into me. It's not easy.

 

Ah, yes, it certainly isn't easy. But to say they don't exist... well, that casts some doubts on the person claiming so.

 

I think expanding your social circle is never a bad idea. And cold approaches do work for some people, though I'd vote for the social circle.

[tuxedo cat]

I think I'm an attractive man with a lot to offer, and it's only right I get a woman who is the same.

 

It is not that hard to believe, I think, that my pool is lacking. Online dating is a joke, so I've ruled that out, and my social circle is full of quality women who are taken. That leaves me two choices, expand my social circle, and cold approach. Since I have not gone the cold approach route yet (I will very soon), I'm limited to my social circle. Not a whole lot of knockouts that are single.

 

I just don't know of any woman (ever in my life) who was a total catch, and remained single for more than 2 months. The good ones just can't seem to stay single for very long. Not sure why. I know many quality men who can go months, years even, living the single life. Maybe men and women are just wired differently in that regard. So to find a great woman who is single, is hard enough, but that's only half the battle. Then she has to be into me. It's not easy.

 

If you are living in NYC you are competing with the creme de la creme for women. People who live there tend to be more ruthless and shallow in their partner choices because of the cultural values and the number of options available.

[mesmerized]

I think self improvement will also help. At least for me. I already dress pretty fashionably, but my hair was always dull. I had the short short, couldn't even run your fingers through it hairstyle just because I was lazy and having short hair was easy to manage. But I noticed most young guys (teens-early 20s) have that same look and no man I know really has a great head of hair.

 

So I grew it out so that I could style it.

 

I went from this: http://www.jtmagz.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Eminem-image-via-wgamers.jpg

 

To this: http://lawsonsmenshair.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/adam-levine-photos.jpg?w=593

 

It takes more time to style it in the morning, and it's more upkeep. But I think I look better with it.

 

I also could stand to be in better shape than I'm in now. I always lose my gains during the winter, this year more so as I was inactive because of the weather and I was battling some crappy situations that zapped my motivation. So I have some working out to do. Having a better body will automatically open up anyone's dating pool.

 

So in my efforts to become a better version of myself, maybe that will increase the amount of women interested in me, or at the very least, increase the quality level of women who may be interested in me.

 

awww that's true. Self improvement always helps. that's one thing I always tell the guys here who whine. Women are visual too! I myself have been trying to improve myself physically, healthy diet, working out, how I dress and all the shabang. But I'm not even sure if it's my looks, looks like it's more about the type of men I meet. I mean when all you meet are sleazy/insecure/rude/racist and sexist people, what's the hope in finding someone of quality??

[MrCastle]

If you are living in NYC you are competing with the creme de la creme for women. People who live there tend to be more ruthless and shallow in their partner choices because of the cultural values and the number of options available.

 

I'd take my chances with NYC over where I live any day.

 

The only success I've had has come from NYC. I live outside the city in the suburbs and--nothing doing, to say the least.

 

I'm really not one who believes location plays a significant difference, but I will say I got a lot more looks when I went to Cali for vacation a few years back, and it seems like the last few women who have been seriously into me have come from Florida. They moved to the city from Florida.

 

Makes me want to take a trip to Miami to see what kind of differences there are but I would assume not much.

 

I already live in the cultural melting pot of the world. If I cannot succeed here, then where?

[MrCastle]

awww that's true. Self improvement always helps. that's one thing I always tell the guys here who whine. Women are visual too! I myself have been trying to improve myself physically, healthy diet, working out, how I dress and all the shabang. But I'm not even sure if it's my looks, looks like it's more about the type of men I meet. I mean when all you meet are sleazy/insecure/rude/racist and sexist people, what's the hope in finding someone of quality??

 

Bingo. Everytime someone makes a dating thread, posters are quick to assume things about the OP, and make judgements as to why things aren't working.

 

Sometimes it's not us, it's them.

 

I'm not trying to pass blame but really, some girls are sluts, some are airheads, some are ice queens, some are party girls, etc etc.

 

Just like some men are pigs, some are players, some are stupid, some are boring, etc.

 

My dating woes, to me, is mostly due to what I'm finding. These girls aren't meeting my standards. Some may call my standards unrealistic or too high or whatever, but again, I only ask for what I can bring to the table myself. It's not like I'm a stoner asking for a girl who's anti drugs. I myself am anti drug, so I don't see why that's an issue that I ask my partner to be the same. Etc etc down the line of traits I possess/beliefs I have and want my partner to also possess/believe in.

 

I'm not finding everything I'm looking for in one person.

[iKING]

I'd take my chances with NYC over where I live any day.

 

The only success I've had has come from NYC. I live outside the city in the suburbs and--nothing doing, to say the least.

 

I'm really not one who believes location plays a significant difference, but I will say I got a lot more looks when I went to Cali for vacation a few years back, and it seems like the last few women who have been seriously into me have come from Florida. They moved to the city from Florida.

 

Makes me want to take a trip to Miami to see what kind of differences there are but I would assume not much.

 

I already live in the cultural melting pot of the world. If I cannot succeed here, then where?

 

In Cali everything is backwards in that regard, women do a ton of pursuing there. A ton.

 

The majority I know there are uncommitted party-animals though, both guys and girls. It really depends on which part you go to.

 

It's also a cultural melting pot.

 

Florida, not so much, been there. Kind of a strange place, fun things to do though.

[mesmerized]

Bingo. Everytime someone makes a dating thread, posters are quick to assume things about the OP, and make judgements as to why things aren't working.

 

Sometimes it's not us, it's them.

 

I'm not trying to pass blame but really, some girls are sluts, some are airheads, some are ice queens, some are party girls, etc etc.

 

Just like some men are pigs, some are players, some are stupid, some are boring, etc.

 

My dating woes, to me, is mostly due to what I'm finding. These girls aren't meeting my standards. Some may call my standards unrealistic or too high or whatever, but again, I only ask for what I can bring to the table myself. It's not like I'm a stoner asking for a girl who's anti drugs. I myself am anti drug, so I don't see why that's an issue that I ask my partner to be the same. Etc etc down the line of traits I possess/beliefs I have and want my partner to also possess/believe in.

 

I'm not finding everything I'm looking for in one person.

 

Yeah that's why I never ask what's wrong with me. I guess in some ways I'm too confident and I really think there is not much that's wrong with me except me not putting myself out there and not taking initiative with men. hmmmm, maybe these two are bad enough! The rest are kind of out of my control. I can't be someone I'm not just to attract men nor do I want to do that. If people don't like a talkative, smart, short curvy persian girl, there is really not much I can do about it.

[zebracolors]

This mostly has to do with my own little fears of being alone, as per the topic. Mezmerized brings up a good point. As I said before I don't want to be single for the rest of my life, but for me it could also be the men I am meeting, most of which have really just been interested in some kind of sexual arrangement. And I think the way I am sabotaging any possibilities is because I have been telling these men that I'm happy being single right now, when clearly thats sometimes not the case. So of course, then maybe they won't think of me as potential relationship material.

 

Or if they ever wondered if I could be, maybe it changed when I tell them Im not looking to get into a relationship now.(and in some cases, when I tell them I don't know if I'll ever want to have children) And indeed maybe I've thought that I just should just not mention the "r word" too early. So I was thinking that if they ask me directly, if I'm single (and many of these men do ask that, Idk why) instead of saying I'm happy being single, maybe I should say I'm open to a relationship..if it becomes one.

[mesmerized]

This mostly has to do with my own little fears of being alone, as per the topic. Mezmerized brings up a good point. As I said before I don't want to be single for the rest of my life, but for me it could also be the men I am meeting, most of which have really just been interested in some kind of sexual arrangement. And I think the way I am sabotaging any possibilities is because I have been telling these men that I'm happy being single right now, when clearly thats sometimes not the case. So of course, then maybe they won't think of me as potential relationship material.

 

Or if they ever wondered if I could be, maybe it changed when I tell them Im not looking to get into a relationship now.(and in some cases, when I tell them I don't know if I'll ever want to have children) And indeed maybe I've thought that I just should just not mention the "r word" too early. So I was thinking that if they ask me directly, if I'm single (and many of these men do ask that, Idk why) instead of saying I'm happy being single, maybe I should say I'm open to a relationship..if it becomes one.

 

Wow you are just like me. But are you also a bit commitment phobic? Do you also find that the majority of men don't make you feel the desire to enter a relationship with them? I can tell men I want a relationship but sometimes I really don't.

[MrCastle]

If people don't like a talkative, smart, short curvy persian girl, there is really not much I can do about it.

 

I could do some stuff about it

[zebracolors]

Wow you are just like me. But are you also a bit commitment phobic? Do you also find that the majority of men don't make you feel the desire to enter a relationship with them? I can tell men I want a relationship but sometimes I really don't.

 

Hmm that is another good point, the thought of a man being into me for all the right reasons would be a great motivation for wanting to get into a relationship with him. Perhaps most of these men I've been dating just have just not wanted to get into anything serious with me. (and only my FWB was ever transparent about that at the start) And I certainly do get that impression if they don't seem interested in meeting up again. And that can sometimes affect my desire to enter a relationship with them. (though frequency of back and forth communication is a whole other topic)

 

To answer your question, I actually don't really know if Im phobic of commitment, im not sure what the true symptoms are. In some ways I am sure it could come off as that, but yet I feel like i want to be able to say I'm not. I guess where Im coming from with that was how I was in a dead end LDR for 2 years if you can even call it that, that I had essentially trapped myself in, and felt trapped. But to the guys credit, he gave me an out.

[Archgirl]

Archgirl:

 

It's a matter of extremes. Coming to terms with the fact that you're an imperfect human isn't false modesty -- it's realism.

 

I don't understand what you are disagreeing with me about. I mentioned both accepting your faults and taking pride in oneself.

 

The main point of my post was that in Castle's case, genuine modesty is unlikely. And a lot less fun.

 

And I really don't get what is so great about modesty anyway. Like why is it such a great trait? So it doesn't piss of other people. Well fug that I don't care. I do my thing, make people laugh, show compassion and support to those I care about, anyone who can't see past the persona/ thinks I am too arrogant ain't worth my spit and should get their own sh*t sorted.

 

There is tons of stuff about me that is less than perfect, anything that really bugs me I have the power to change if I really want to, as does anyone else. So why whinge about it and do nothing to change it. Thats a far worse character trait than immodesty in my book.

Edited April 1, 2013 by Archgirl

[sweetjasmine]

And I really don't get what is so great about modesty anyway. Like why is it such a great trait?

 

Just speaking for myself, I think it's a great trait because it seems to indicate that people have perspective. I find that more modest people have an easier time admitting their own faults and being honest with themselves. I also find it irritating when people are out to prove themselves to everyone they meet and sizing themselves up against everyone. It smacks of insecurity and a never-ending need to feel important and different. I think there's a time for telling yourself you're special but also a time for reminding yourself that you're also just a bag of meat and bones sitting on a rock inhabited by billions of other bags of meat and bones, many of whom are smarter and more accomplished than you.

 

I'm half of a "power couple," but, honestly, when I run into folks who have the "I'm hot sh-t so you better prove you're hot sh-t, too, or I won't give you the time of day" attitude, it's a massive turn-off.

[MrCastle]

there's a time for telling yourself you're special but also a time for reminding yourself that you're also just a bag of meat and bones sitting on a rock inhabited by billions of other bags of meat and bones

 

If all you think you are is a "bag of meat and bones", then a bag of meat and bones is all you'll be.