Withdrawal! It hurts. Can't stop!

[steveT95]

I can't cope with not been able to talk to her! We finally broke up today, it's been awhile coming. We spoke for about an hour or so sorting it all out and just calming down and not been mad with each other anymore.

Three hours went by then she text '>.<' I questioned it and she said she keeps seeing loved up couples everywhere. I was so so so so so pleased she text because I had my phone in my hand about to message her and was feeling terrible about it. But not talking is killing me. We are pretty much done with the relationship now but I'm sure she still feels something and I know I do.

I can't not talk to her at all, it's killing me. I just want to be able to have fun conversations with her again.

[steveT95]

and now she's 'poked' me on facebook! :'(

[steveT95]

Just had a forty minute phone call just chatting about things and came off the phone more love sick than ever, uuuuurrrrgggghhhhhh

[Lillygoose]

Hey,

 

 

It sounds to me she doesn't know what she wants at the moment, was it a mutual break up?

 

 

The best thing for you BOTH, is with out a doubt space.

 

Tell her you need to go no contact, And yes it could go either way. She/you could realize how much you mean to each other. Or you could both realize this relationship is now over, and the future is on to better things.

 

Of course with every relationship ending, we all strive to hold on to the ropes. After all we are human and we are used to the company.

 

 

I know the feeling thou, most of us on here do I am afraid to say.

 

 

But NC, dont give in to the breadcrumbs and you will eventually feel better over time.

 

xxx

[steveT95]

Hi and thanks for the help, it's very needed!

 

The break up has been a tricky one, relatively mutual, I broke up with her last week we got back together the next day. She broke up with me this week and we have decided that we shouldn't rush to get back together, she needs time to clear her head. So do I, I guess.

 

I am struggling to go no contact, I don't even want to. I think having tip bits of her time as a small bit of company might help keep me strong as I move on. Either that or it will keep me hoping for a last cause.

I know maybe it's right that we aren't together, but I also believe we could make it work if we took time and went at it carefully and properly. We have been such a massive part of each others lives.

 

Oh I don't know..

[steveT95]

I spoke to her on the phone for a chat last night. A few hours later she text goodnight and with several kisses, almost as if she was having second thoughts.

I spoke with her this morning on the phone because I had an awful dream about the whole situation and needed some reassurance about it all.

We've been talking a little on and off throughout the day. I just really want to talk to her now, just phone her up and chat again. It's getting really tough to step back. We were close and she was who I went to when I had problems.

She says she doesn't know how she feels about everything yet and needs time to clear her head, I want to ask her if there could still be a chance or whether I have to let go.

[CudLRoo]

It sucks mate but you have to analyse why the relationship stopped working...distance is often misleading as you often forget WHY it is you broke apart...which is why people get back in touch, and earlier feelings get rekindled, but usually only in the mind.

 

The grim reality is that if it's stopped working now, it'll 99% probably never work again, this cycle sucks arse big-time, I've been in it myself, several times (with the same woman). It IS possible to remain 'friends', but if a big connection was there in the first place, it's often hard to shift those wistful memories....!

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, let's reiterate this, in words of one or two syllables, where possible:

 

You. Have. To. Go. No. Contact.

 

You have to STAY in No Contact.

 

Do NOT ring.

Do NOT text.

Do NOT write.

 

Block.

Delete.

De-friend.

Deny.

 

STOP.

 

Painful?

Yes.

Selfish?

A little.

Necessary?

 

Oh boy - you bet your bottom dollar.

 

Read the link in my signature.

 

All of it.

Every single word.

Copy, paste, print the guide.

Keep it with you at all times.

Read regularly.

 

Abide by it, 100%.

 

because that's the only way it works, and it'as the only way you will heal.

 

Go to it.

Pronto.

[Minneloa]

I am struggling to go no contact, I don't even want to. I think having tip bits of her time as a small bit of company might help keep me strong as I move on. Either that or it will keep me hoping for a last cause..

 

Your recent posts indicate that staying in frequent contact is only hurting you and keeping you from accepting the loss of your relationship. This pain and confusion will continue unless you give yourself the time and space to grieve and heal.

[steveT95]

Hi guys,

 

The help has been brilliant here, although I don't think I will be feeling better any time soon.

When we spoke the other day she said something that led me to believe there still may be a chance for us and that she just needs to clear her head. I know it does need clearing before she is certain exactly how she feels. She has a lot going on at the moment.

Tonight I will talk to her and see if there really is any hope, if there is not I will strive to cut all ties. Even though it will hurt at least my heart won't be played with anymore.

 

Thanks, Steve

[steveT95]

She says she's happy as we are now, talking occasionally and chatting on the phone. But she knows I am not so is going to try and find an answer about how she feels quicker. If I was okay with how we are now she would leave it for a few more months. But I'm not, so she won't.

 

This is difficult for me but we I won't push for an answer because it drives her away.

We've also agreed that if we do get back together she will need more space in the relationship, whereas I'm the opposite so we will have to find a compromise. At the moment I'm giving her space but I know in a relationship there would be a bit less space for her.

[TaraMaiden]

You don't get it, do you steveT95....?

 

You are Mr Back-Burner Guy, the 'soft-place-to-fall', the option rather than the priority.

 

What essentially she is saying is, "Hang around until I decide whether I need you or not. But you're going to be 'hanging' a long time....."

 

The answer on how she feels, doesn't need to be found any more quickly.

She's already told you what she wants. To carry on as you are, and be 'friends'.

 

What more, exactly, is it you need to know? By 'giving each other space' all you are actually doing is merely delaying the obvious and inevitable.

The space she wants, incidentally, would be a hard squeeze to fit within this galaxy.

She wants space all right.

But she wants distance between you and her.

And miles of it.....

 

You, my dear, as a BF, are history.

You are no longer on her radar as any type of priority.

 

She cares less than you do.

That much is evident.

 

"It's the person who cares the least, who controls the most" - and right now, you are bending over backwards to do what you believe is anything remotely possible to do, as long as it means that you can keep her.

You've handed over complete control to her, in order to hopefully hear from her, what it is you WANT to hear....

 

But she's already gone.

She's done.

Finished.

 

You need to get it through your head, because she's going to be very frustrated and pi$$ed off with you if you don't.

[lop98]

"It's the person who cares the least, who controls the most" - and right now, you are bending over backwards to do what you believe is anything remotely possible to do, as long as it means that you can keep her.

You've handed over complete control to her, in order to hopefully hear from her, what it is you WANT to hear....

...

 

Thank you for all your posts, Tara. I read them out loud every single time. It's painful (and they're not even directed at me!) but it's just what I need right now.

[steveT95]

Yes, I agree, it really does hurt to read but sometimes hard slap is needed.

We spoke for ages last night and she says she needs space which means if we were together we would only spend time together outside of college once a month. She also said that she MISSED and LOVED me.

 

This morning I sent her a long text explaining that for it to be a relationship we should see each other more often and she should want to see me and text me, not feel that she has too. And that I shouldn't be treading on egg shells when asking her if she wants to do something.

 

Now I've said that I feel less attached. Like I'm beginning to get on the steps the first steps of moving on. I'm sure within the next few days I shall of started no contact officially (deleting her a contact and off facebook etc) but at the moment I am a lonely love sick fool.

 

It's not helped by the fact that I am home alone this weekend, although it was needed to clear my head. I need people around to distract me.

[Heartache3]

steveT95, from here on out, do yourself a huge favor and stick to NC. Do what Tara and everyone else here is saying, because it's the only sure-fire way to get better from this.

 

I know EXACTLY what you're feeling, especially with regards to your ex being somewhat of an independent person. It's frustrating for us who love their company and we only wish they could be a little more committed to us. Maybe you and I are pretty alike in that sense. Go check out my most recent thread, and you'll see my ex was a lot like yours. Mine told me just before we broke up that she could only afford to see me once or twice a month (she's job hunting, which is a seriously time-consuming thing here in Japan).

 

But you know what I decided to do? Even though I miss her... Practically craving this girl to be back in my life? NC. From the moment I last saw her face. Deleted all contact, blocked Facebook, stored memories away in a little box and shoved it out of sight. And I won't bother to talk to her at all unless she pulls a 180 and makes it absolutely clear she wants to start over with me again. It's not easy, I know! But this is how you stay in control, and eventually come to terms with the end and look forward to a new beginning with somebody else. Someone that WONT tug your heart around and confuse the hell out of you with "I need to clear my head, but here's a bunch of kisses to keep you strung along!". Rather, someone that WILL want to spend time with you, commit to you, and when she kisses you, all thoughts of the ex will wash away as she takes you to a whole other world.

 

You can do this, anyone can. Go read Tara's NC guide again, and follow it -- itll do you wonders. I'll be here for you if you need someone to talk to.

 

Heartache3

[lop98]

Heartache3, you sound like my ex... we broke up because I couldn't commit enough with the relationship (really couldn't, I'm in the most stressful year in school), he did NC right away... I feel like he's waiting for that 180 you mention (moving across the pond for him), but he won't say it. Meanwhile he got a new girlfriend and I've been out on a few dates myself. He said he was 'deeply' in love with me in Feb., and it kills me not knowing if men keep some hope or if he's officially done, he's said (ever since the split) that he isn't and that he's not letting me go but why did he get a girlfriend?. I'm now NC and really trying to forget him because he won't state exactly what he's expecting, I'm permanently confused wondering if he's letting time do the work or really trying to move on. Men are so strange. (Sorry I know this has nothing to do with Stevie's problem!).

[Heartache3]

Heartache3, you sound like my ex... we broke up because I couldn't commit enough with the relationship (really couldn't, I'm in the most stressful year in school), he did NC right away... I feel like he's waiting for that 180 you mention (moving across the pond for him), but he won't say it. Meanwhile he got a new girlfriend and I've been out on a few dates myself. He said he was 'deeply' in love with me in Feb., and it kills me not knowing if men keep some hope or if he's officially done, he's said (ever since the split) that he isn't and that he's not letting me go but why did he get a girlfriend?. I'm now NC and really trying to forget him because he won't state exactly what he's expecting, I'm permanently confused wondering if he's letting time do the work or really trying to move on. Men are so strange. (Sorry I know this has nothing to do with Stevie's problem!).

 

Hi lop98,

 

Im sorry to hear youre hurting from this. It's never easy to try to understand with what our exes might be thinking... or why they say certain things or make the certain choices they do (like saying he still loves you deeply, despite getting a new gf). Trust me, even for guys, we think women are just as strange sometimes!

 

Well, speaking from my experience (I might be similar to your ex bf in this sense), I am always hoping for that 180 turn. I love my ex like crazy but I get to a point where realistically, it's not going to happen. Getting to that point though, takes a degree of understanding my ex's position. That, and NC. I, like your ex, have been forced to accept that our ex girlfriends are just going through a busy time in their lives -- and while we wish so badly that they could balance us in it, and allow us to sweeten their life and not become the center of it... we have no choice but to respect you and move forward. So I find myself getting over a breakup and passing this time is easiest when I distract myself with other potential partners. I don't necessarily go out expecting anything (like getting a gf that night or sexy times or anything), but if things work well and I end up dating someone new, then I'm going to go for it. Just as long as I'm in the right frame of mind -- respecting the ex's decision, and allowing a new girl to satisfy our desire for commitment. (Funny how men are often thought to be afraid of commitment? Not always true! )

 

This is a good message for Steve as well. Understand that you will want them to come back, but given enough respect and time, moving forward with someone else is just a natural, perfectly okay thing to do.

 

I'm not sure if this is the answer you were hoping for, but I can tell you this for a fact. He hasn't forgotten about you, and certainly still loves you. But he's just doing his best to handle the cards he's been dealt. Confusing? Yes. Because he won't tell you what he's feeling. But in the end, does he have to? Just keep working hard at school and focus on you, not him. He's doing his best, and so should you.

[lop98]

Thank you, Heartache3. Can't say I didn't get teary reading your explanation. It makes so much sense (and you still sound like him!), and deep bottom, I guess I already knew it, I understand the circumstances and how difficult it all became, but it still hurts, what upsets me is that he never communicated all of this, he seemed so in love, making all these plans, talking to me everyday on how I should help him to make them happen (I was scared, I really was), even references to babies and parenthood, and literally one day he woke up, ignored me, quit me, quit his job, checked out from all these plans. Days later he was back only to tell me that he couldn't be in love with someone 'secretive' like me and that he was in pain and then he cut the conversation (). Weeks later he got a girlfriend (someone he had met the week before).

 

If he'd communicate, he'd know I even have my plane ticket and am relocating (not really for him though, I just landed an internship), but since I don't know if he's done with me forever and pursuing something serious with this girl, I won't even call him when I'm there. I'm not sure I can go again through the cruelty he thinks I deserved just because he didn't happen to be the center of my life.

Edited March 31, 2013 by lop98
typo

[steveT95]

Lop98 - Contact him, see what happens. If you want him back try to see if he really does want a 180. If not then you've not lost what you hadn't already but you may have gained something. But thats just my thoughts and others will disagree with that.

 

AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!! Why didn't I log in here five minutes ago and read heartache3's post! It was so helpful and made so much sense but I broke 12 hours no contact (which is a lot for me) and asked if she was okay and said I didn't want what I said to make things awkward. why. why. why!!!!!?????

[steveT95]

Well I deleted her number to begin no contact, fingers crossed. I haven't deleted her off facebook because that will cause an argument so will wait for her to clear her head.

 

But now she's called for a chat..

 

This is going to be tough and I'm to soft to say no.

[geegirl]

I have to say this Steve, you're officially her dog on a leash. Come, go, sit, stay, stand, fetch. And there you are. Tail wagging.

 

I wish you would grow some balls and find a backbone.

 

No woman is worth this much disrespect and manipulation.

[TaraMaiden]

No don't grow balls!

 

Grow a 'bagina'!!

 

It seems more and more apparent the more time I spend on here, that women seem to be the 'stronger sex'!

 

Balls are soft, delicate and vulnerable. One kick and you're doubled up.

A 'Bagina' can, on the other hand, take one hell of a pounding and still come through smiling....

[lop98]

Lop98 - Contact him, see what happens. If you want him back try to see if he really does want a 180. If not then you've not lost what you hadn't already but you may have gained something. But thats just my thoughts and others will disagree with that.

I can't. He's going through difficult times himself but the fact that he has a girlfriend makes me want to throw up. I was this close of contacting him today and what stopped me? that it was night over there and he was probably having sex with her while my stupid message is just left there. My imagination and jealousy travels far. He was probably just watching a movie (knowing him) but my self-esteem can't take another blow if he's not.

 

(it'd be easier for him to communicate like the adult that he is, though)

[steveT95]

Lop98 - I know what you mean, especially with the imagination going wild. It drives me crazy at times and I just want to get out of my head. Who's she talking to now? Is she staying up to talk to him or me? etc etc

 

Guys, I'm here for support. Yes, I do need to be a bit stronger in this but it's not particularly easy. I'm here for support that will help me stay strong, not to just be told that I need to. I have no friends, no one. She was my life for the past 6 months. Makes it rather difficult to just stop talking to her. I've taken a hell of a kicking this passed month, don't kick me while I'm down. And unless you're going to post something supportive or encouraging to help me, don't bother.

[TaraMaiden]

Lop98 - I know what you mean, especially with the imagination going wild. It drives me crazy at times and I just want to get out of my head. Who's she talking to now? Is she staying up to talk to him or me? etc etc

 

Guys, I'm here for support. Yes, I do need to be a bit stronger in this but it's not particularly easy. I'm here for support that will help me stay strong, not to just be told that I need to. I have no friends, no one. She was my life for the past 6 months. Makes it rather difficult to just stop talking to her. I've taken a hell of a kicking this passed month, don't kick me while I'm down. And unless you're going to post something supportive or encouraging to help me, don't bother.

 

You don't get it.

Nobody's kicking you, Steve.

And posting something 'suppoortive and encouraging' comes in many guises.

 

You have to understand that it's you going through this.

It's US who have seen this happen all too often.

 

Listen, there are those who have felt as you do - worse even - but who have resolutely refused to help themselves, and denied the advice they were given - in whichever way it has been given.

 

I call these folks the 'Yezzbutts'.

 

"Yes but I can't do this, yes but I can't do that, yes but nobody understands, yes but they were my life, yes but I can't go on!"

 

What we're trying to do here, is to prevent you from falling into the deep 'Yezzbutt' pit of despair.

because the deeper you go, the darker it gets.

 

And nobody who hits rock-bottom, can see there's a good strong ladder against the wall....

 

GRanb the ladder Steve.

I can't tell in all honesty, how far down you are. But start climbing.

Hand over hand, one rung at a time.

YOU have to do this.

 

We're all at the top shouting encouragement - but you have to take the bull by the horns, and do this for yourself.

 

No matter who's saying what, it's all for you, man.