Withdrawal! It hurts. Can't stop!

[steveT95]

I have to admit that put a smile on my face.

I'm not in that deep pit yet. It seems to come in waves, for the vast majority of yesterday I felt like it was the first day of the rest of my life and I was ready to move on. This morning I woke up feeling worse, I had 'our' song stuck in my head and my mind kept wondering off to think about the good times. When that happens it's like a kick in the chest.

But I'm keeping myself busy, I'm done with moping around and ready to get on with things. I know that one day I will realise I haven't even thought about her. I don't even care what her answer is anymore, I don't care if she wants me back or not. (Although I don't know what my reaction would be if she said she wanted me back.) I feel ready to start getting on with things, at the moment.

[geegirl]

I have to admit that put a smile on my face.

I'm not in that deep pit yet. It seems to come in waves, for the vast majority of yesterday I felt like it was the first day of the rest of my life and I was ready to move on. This morning I woke up feeling worse, I had 'our' song stuck in my head and my mind kept wondering off to think about the good times. When that happens it's like a kick in the chest.

But I'm keeping myself busy, I'm done with moping around and ready to get on with things. I know that one day I will realise I haven't even thought about her. I don't even care what her answer is anymore, I don't care if she wants me back or not. (Although I don't know what my reaction would be if she said she wanted me back.) I feel ready to start getting on with things, at the moment.

 

The thing is, when you get the kick in the chest, let it ride. You have to feel the pain to get to the other side, there is no way around it.

 

Your PAIN is this woman. You cannot seek comfort from your pain by engaging with your source of pain. Everytime she calls or text messages, ask yourself what has changed? Nothing. Everytime you want an answer, remind yourself the answers have always been the same. Someone like this will continue their patterns. She can come back next week and tell you she would like to try again. But guess what, she will do a repeat on you.

 

You have to be ready to start getting on with things because you want to heal from this. I have a feeling she won't leave you alone, and only you can make a decision to say enough, that you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I hope that day comes soon.

[steveT95]

Yes I agree.

She seems to be more distant and respectful after a told her what I had to say yesterday morning. I won't be contacting her. And I know that if she wants me back she will have a lot of questions to answer that will almost certainly lead to me turning her away.

 

She can't friendzone me after telling me she was in love with me.

[steveT95]

She text a coupe of hours ago asking me how I was doing. I then continued the conversation, goddammit.

 

I came on here afterwards (I need this sites info in my back pocket the whole time!) and read that exes may contact to feed their ego. Maybe she is doing that so I guess I'm starting no contact again and will do my best not to feed her ego, she probably thinks if she checks up on me that's her staying in my life with evidence she cares.

 

Be strong, Stephen, for god's sake!!

[lop98]

I won't judge you, Steve, you guys only broke up last week and we did the same for over a month since the split. We continued to have random messages, got hurt over no responses, fought, more ignoring each other, tense conversations. The breakup was so hurtful that for our own dignity, we should've stayed with very limited contact if any, nothing has been said since the BU that I can consider valuable, it's all been hurtful words, damaging actions, unnecessary explanations, flirting that only gave us false hopes and made the landing harder, etc. It's been a drag really.

 

Having said that, you have to keep somewhat present the reason why you broke up. It sounds like you're in different life stages, her not knowing exactly what she wants, you not knowing either. It's not like she's truly some piece of trash that cheated on you who deserves the limbo (or did she?). My situation isn't that different (despite my repulsion for his actions post BU), this guy was one of my best friends since I was a teenager (I'm in my late 20s), we've been there for each other at very difficult times, when there was absolutely no sign on the horizon that we'd ever engage in a (very intense) relationship. I wanted NC, but why do I want NC? to heal mostly, but I don't want to cut all strings, I don't want him out of my life, and neither does he want me out of his life... we're dating other people now, I for one CRAVE feeling something for somebody else, but he's still a part of me and I don't want to give him up, I care for him, if something happens to him and I can't be there, I'd die. I wrote him a long message, explained in detail all of this (my need to move on and heal by going LC) and he seems to have understood, we have exchanged a couple of messages since then (especially as he's going through hard times professionally) and that's it for me, I won't be engaging in conversations whose content might confuse me any longer, at least until I feel comfortable enough with myself like in the good old days (meaning I'm not depressed just because I'm without him).

 

I'd just recommend you to write to her in detail, as sincere as you can be, on how hurt you are, the pain you are going through, how you want to move on and how you need her to cut down on messaging you, because it's not helping you. Tell her you're still there for her but you need several months to heal.. she probably needs to do the same but it takes some courage to let time work its magic.

 

Then pick up a calendar or print one and keep yourself busy, build a schedule to occupy the space she was in. That's what I'm doing and so far so good (it kind of only officially began today though ).

[geegirl]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/383258-got-new-email-today-don-t-know-if-i-can-resist-her-want-take-her-back

 

Maybe this thread can help you gain some strength, insight, perspective, motivation...I don't know. Read his reply. It was posted today on the Breakup forum.

[McDonald]

Here we go..

 

TM, I see where you are coming from now. Took long enough and I guess other peoples problems to make me see it.

[steveT95]

I really do feel like I'm beginning to climb the ladder (to use TaraMaidens metaphor) and begin to move on, it still hurts to think about the good times but I woke up this morning wanting a girlfriend, but wasn't thinking of her.

She knows not to mention anything about her feeling towards me until she is certain of them, she doesn't text much at all, I engaged in conversation about a tv series we both enjoy and it was a brief talk and that was that.

Regrettably I text her goodnight, was a bad idea because I didn't receive a reply so for quite awhile I felt like I was just waiting for one. Good thing I was busy with some free lance work.

[steveT95]

Fooldedtwice - Actually, I'm pretty sure she is glad to be single. I know that sounds foolish to say but, yeah, at the moment she doesn't even bother with friends or family.

 

..and the text was at one in the morning

[TaraMaiden]

Tara, do you work for the CPA and take children from families too?

 

I'm not sure where that comment is intended to take this.

 

But no, I don't.

 

However, I know for sure there are some people who don't deserve to be parents and whose children I would dearly love to 'save' if it were in my power.

 

Just because you can bear children doesn't mean you're worthy of being called a parent.

 

I don't know if that answers your question or not; it could have been rhetorical....

[steveT95]

I think he was referring to the fact that your posts sound quite stern, but it's generally what's needed.

 

Don't worry about it.

[steveT95]

I was doing really bloody good! Really good! Have had an amazing and even joined a dating site.

 

Now she's just text, 'I would like for us to stay friends, but I can't see you agreeing to that.'

Now I feel like sh*t. Why does she have this power over me to just hurt me over and over without even realising it.

I just want to curl up in a ball now and cry.

[geegirl]

I was doing really bloody good! Really good! Have had an amazing and even joined a dating site.

 

Now she's just text, 'I would like for us to stay friends, but I can't see you agreeing to that.'

Now I feel like sh*t. Why does she have this power over me to just hurt me over and over without even realising it.

I just want to curl up in a ball now and cry.

 

You joined a dating site? You are in pieces over this woman and you believe you have the emotional capacity to meet women that are probably wanting to date a man that is READY to date. What can you possibly offer anyone? You most likely joined because you're looking for someone to fill that void that she left. Bad idea. It'll only make you feel worse when you start to compare everyone to her.

 

Secondly, she has the power to hurt you over and over because you have given it to her. She knows she is hurting you but she's just too selfish to care. A person that cares for you, will let you go knowing that they can't give you what you want, especially when they know you love them.

[steveT95]

Yeah, well when I joined I was actually feeling fantastic and was eager to meet someone completely different.

 

Yes all my fault isn't it? I'm allowing her to hurt me. I don't want her too but it tends to happen when you have a girl look into your eyes and say 'you will be the man I marry.'

I just feel crap and while I thought we were having a serious conversation and can see she is p*ssing about on facebook. I'm about to snap, about to just have a go at her. I am so hurt and upset and angry.

[geegirl]

Yeah, well when I joined I was actually feeling fantastic and was eager to meet someone completely different.

 

Yes all my fault isn't it? I'm allowing her to hurt me. I don't want her too but it tends to happen when you have a girl look into your eyes and say 'you will be the man I marry.'

I just feel crap and while I thought we were having a serious conversation and can see she is p*ssing about on facebook. I'm about to snap, about to just have a go at her. I am so hurt and upset and angry.

 

Steve, I am going to find you and shake you.

 

My ex told me we would grow old together. He even bought a house closer to me so that we could get a start on a future together. It all went downhill. Things change. Feelings change. People change.

 

She said you will be the man she marries and that changed. You have to let that go and accept that she is not in that same frame of mind anymore. You think holding on is going to change things? No.

 

You have to start being mad at you because she is not responsible for where you are anymore. You have chosen to let her decide your fate. You let it go this far. Snapping at her only makes you seem bitter and unable to accept that she does not want you. Doesn't do one bit of good. Doesn't change that the situation is still crappy and that you have to move on because she does not want a relationship with you. Accept and move on.

 

People get lavished with promises everyday only to be dissappointed the next. Clinging for dear life doesn't change it. Letting go is all you can do.

[Lillygoose]

Steve, I am going to find you and shake you.

 

My ex told me we would grow old together. He even bought a house closer to me so that we could get a start on a future together. It all went downhill. Things change. Feelings change. People change.

 

She said you will be the man she marries and that changed. You have to let that go and accept that she is not in that same frame of mind anymore. You think holding on is going to change things? No.

 

You have to start being mad at you because she is not responsible for where you are anymore. You have chosen to let her decide your fate. You let it go this far. Snapping at her only makes you seem bitter and unable to accept that she does not want you. Doesn't do one bit of good. Doesn't change that the situation is still crappy and that you have to move on because she does not want a relationship with you. Accept and move on.

 

People get lavished with promises everyday only to be dissappointed the next. Clinging for dear life doesn't change it. Letting go is all you can do.

 

 

 

This sums it up perfectly.

 

well said! x

[steveT95]

So I've snapped at her and got mad. Now she's complaining that I made her feel slutty because I said she is more concerned about her 'somewhat cleavagey profile picture.'

She's saying I didn't give her space. I did. She's saying I'm just putting myself in the nice guy group.

 

For her take on that, read here: (and yes she is a self-confessed heartless bitch)

Heartless Bitches International - Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS

[Minneloa]

OP, I am sorry you are in pain. But you will continue to be in pain as long as you continue to engage with your ex. This is the part you have control over (contact), even if it doesn"t feel like it because your emotions are running amok.

 

Please give NC a fair chance. It really can be a powerful tool for healing. There are so many threads on this forum from people who felt crazy and in complete despair over a breakup but found some clarity and solace by removing their ex from ther lives, not out of spite, but to gain perspective and start their healing process.

 

You have to put yourself first here. No one else can.

[steveT95]

After a longish argument over text in which she constantly made me out to be the bad guy and proved she isn't as mature as she likes to think she is I told her if she wants to carry this on she can call. She didn't.

I feel rough as hell, am ending up in arguments with mum as well and I don't mean to.

But I've deleted her off facebook (not mum, the ex lol) along with her character profiles and her friends character profiles. It hurt to do and was scary and made me shake and want to cry but it's done. I feel like this is a big achievement and at the moment I just haven't got the strength in me to block her mobile number. But I know I will not reply to any texts that she sends. Although I doubt I'll hear anything from her.

[steveT95]

She just asked for me to at least let her know why I deleted her off facebook?

 

I shouldn't reply, should I?

Three texts in a couple of hours is a record for her. I kind of like that I am in control, and she is now seeking answers.

Is that bad? To feel good about not replying to her texts and having some control over her and it all?

[steveT95]

she text again. Clearly p*ssed off.

"Right then, fine. Ignore me. Because you're obviously the only one who's been hurt by this breakup. Sorry that I'm a c*nt. Sorry that you can't be civil with me. Thanks for making me happier over the past few months I guess. Bye."

 

This text had me shaking and panicking. I've only just started NC and I really want to contact her!! I want to apologies for starting an argument earlier. I was right to be annoyed but I shouldn't of said anything.

 

And I hate that she's saying she was happy over the past few months. I'm trying to get away from those memories and to hear her thank me for them, like she wishes they could be again. It's painful. The bye as well. I hate things so final like that. It really really hurts and I am struggling not to reply.

Why should I she is clearly still mad at me?

 

I hate myself for kind of wanting her to grovel to me. If she was more mentally stable it would be good but she isn't, she's very depressed.

 

ohgodohgodohgod!

[TaraMaiden]

Ok.

let me just say that you DO have the power to take the leash off if you want.

Just because she yanks it, doesn't mean you have to roll over and beg....

 

Get a grip and quit being an idiot.

 

I'm sorry, but that's what you're sounding like.

 

As if you're using the ladder to go down - not up.

Block her number on your phone, and don't read the texts.

delete.

Respond with classic one-liner:

 

Text-Blocker activated. Your message was not delivered.

 

Fer krissakes, DO IT.

 

N-O-W.

 

Send it.

Then, move on.

 

UP.

Not down.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

Steve,

 

If you don't take Tara's advice you're in for a whole new chapter of pain, anquish, hurt, despair, resentment, depression, fear.......Meanwhile? She ain't thinking about you pal! She's moved on. Just like my girl! It's over.

 

Tara is 1000% right! GET A GRIP!

 

I had to also! It's not easy, even almost a year later- after 8 years together and engaged! Guess who she's in bed with tonight? IT'S NOT ME! so I come here whenever I lose it, for true friends and VERY sound advice.

 

Steve, We are all trying to move on as dumpees. Listen CAREFULLY and learn.

[steveT95]

Okay, well my last post was a panicky vent. It was late, I was tired.

From the other texts she sent through the night after that starting with 'I'm sorry, please just let me know you're okay.' to 'ok don't bother then thanks' I have been given the strength not to reply because each text is with a different attitude, just trying to tug at my heart strings or act indifferent.

 

However, I am sort of considering apologising for starting an argument last night and explaining how now it's me that needs space and time to clear my head (of my feeling for her, but I won't mention that.) Should I?

 

 

Here a link to my NC diary:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/383584-my-nc-journey

[TaraMaiden]

i am sort of considering apologising for starting an argument last night and explaining how now it's me that needs space and time to clear my head (of my feeling for her, but i won't mention that.) should i?

 

NO. IN Capitals.