Do you lose a sense of self identity when you have kids?

[ls32ssibm]

I was thinking the other day how weird it is that I'm 24 and my father started having kids at 21...and there is no way in hell I could picture myself a father for anytime in the immediate future let alone three years ago.

 

When you see a "good" parent, their whole lives revolve around their kids. I guess instead of writing out each of my jumbled thoughts on the topic; do you lose a sense of "yourself" when you have kids?

 

Maybe this is just a part of my generation's "selfish" way of thinking, but I don't feel like I was born and grew up just to reproduce. I have a sex drive, but it would just feel like "my life" as I know it would be over if I suddenly got a girl pregnant and she had the kid.

 

I know this probably isn't coming out the way that I would like, but I guess I'll wait to see what any parents here have to say.

[soccerrprp]

I didn't have children with my late-wife "just to reproduce." We had children because it was another step, piece to the love we shared and wanted to responsibly bring into this world a child that represented that love. I don't LOSE anything....I GAIN a lot more and have. When I look at my children, I see my late wife, myself, joy, utter love. I have no idea what life was like w/o them.

 

My WHOLE life does not revolve around my kids. I make time for myself, for dating, for my wife when she was alive...if your children are consuming ALL of you, I don't feel you're doing it the healthiest way.

 

It's fricken' awesome being a dad! Not always easy, but wouldn't change it for the world!

 

Just my thoughts...

[todreaminblue]

I was thinking the other day how weird it is that I'm 24 and my father started having kids at 21...and there is no way in hell I could picture myself a father for anytime in the immediate future let alone three years ago.

 

When you see a "good" parent, their whole lives revolve around their kids. I guess instead of writing out each of my jumbled thoughts on the topic; do you lose a sense of "yourself" when you have kids?

 

Maybe this is just a part of my generation's "selfish" way of thinking, but I don't feel like I was born and grew up just to reproduce. I have a sex drive, but it would just feel like "my life" as I know it would be over if I suddenly got a girl pregnant and she had the kid.

 

I know this probably isn't coming out the way that I would like, but I guess I'll wait to see what any parents here have to say.

 

 

I think you become less focused on you and more focused on someone who is a part of you, to a certain degree you lose sense of self that way, you know this little person depends on you for everything for life fro sustenance for love....for affection....that little guy or little girl wont survive without you....i think it is very hard not to lose focus on self gratification.......but with that loss comes so much gain, you see the world all over again through innocent eyes, you can have back your sense of wonder as again you explore life love and happiness with someone who is yours with love for eternity.......your identity shifts and moves to accommodate a new life .....there is growth in that loss of self...so much growth....i have lost my identity five times....but yet......i am a better person for that loss...........deb

[TigerCub]

When I see people (mainly women) who post a picture of their kid for their profile pic in anything online - I always think "I wonder if that is all they see themselves as - a parent and not really anything more" and that makes me think that some do lose their identity.

 

But I'm only talking of that example.

 

I like Deb's explanation / take on it.

[ls32ssibm]

When I see people (mainly women) who post a picture of their kid for their profile pic in anything online - I always think "I wonder if that is all they see themselves as - a parent and not really anything more" and that makes me think that some do lose their identity.

 

But I'm only talking of that example.

 

I like Deb's explanation / take on it.

 

 

 

This was more of what I was getting at. I also didn't mean to offend any parents.

[KraftDinner]

When I see people (mainly women) who post a picture of their kid for their profile pic in anything online - I always think "I wonder if that is all they see themselves as - a parent and not really anything more" and that makes me think that some do lose their identity.

 

But I'm only talking of that example.

 

I like Deb's explanation / take on it.

 

This is very similar to how I feel when people have their kids as their profile pics.

 

But my gut emotional reaction isn't that they see themselves as nothing more than a parent. If that were the case, I feel like it would be pics of themselves with the kids.

 

No, when I see someone's kid as a profile pic, I think the parent has disappeared into the kid. Not into being a parent, but his or her identity has become enmeshed into the kid him/herself.

 

I mean no offense to parents at all.

 

One other explanation: the parent got ugly or fat and is hiding, haha.

 

Seriously though. I had this world-traveller friend who had all sorts of fun stories and was an interesting person. She got married and had kids and...her fb is nothing but her kids. Every little thing they do gets a play-by-play, but I honestly have no idea what she looks like anymore. Or if she's still married! She has never mentioned him.

 

Good for her if she's happy, I mean, I'm not saying she can't do that or whatever. But where did she go?

[KathyM]

For me, having kids is just a part of my life. An addition to it. It is not my whole identity, but it does constitute part of my identity--that of being a mother. I am also a wife, a daughter, a sister, a student, an employee, and have many other aspects of my life that don't involve my children. Children add to your life. They add another dimension to your life. Some people may allow themselves to be so wrapped up in their children, that they stop feeding the other parts of their self that also need nurturing, such as their role as a spouse, but that is not inevitable. That is a choice some people make to make their lives solely about their children to the exclusion of the other aspects of their identity. I think most people try to balance their lives so that they don't lose themselves in the process of becoming parents. Being a parent is an important part of many people's lives and identities, but for most, it adds to your identity, it doesn't compromise it. I think the reason some people post a lot of pictures of their children is because they are proud of their children, not because they are putting aside their own identity.

[Ruby Slippers]

Some people I've known had kids and then totally stepped into the background and made their lives all about the kids. One of them has gained a lot of weight, and is obviously pushing her favorite daughter to live out all her unrequited dreams of being the popular cheerleader type. Every time I see pictures of this kid and all her friends on FB, I want to vomit. They're young teenage girls flaunting their bodies like hookers. The mom doesn't seem to mind.

 

Another more hippie friend has handled parenthood in a much more appealing way, IMO. She's a great parent and loves being a mom - but she still has her own life and hasn't sacrificed her own well-being for the kids. She lets the kids be who they are, rather than pushing them to be whatever she wants in some sad ego exercise. Those kids seem genuinely happy, loved, and well-adjusted.

[KathyM]

There are some people who live their lives vicariously through their children. Such as some dads who are tyrants on the sports field when it comes to their child's playing time or how he is treated and played on the team. There are some women who live their lives through their daughters, and they consider a break up their daughter has with a boyfriend as a personal rejection of themselves. Or they push their children into something for their own ego gratification, and they live their lives through their children.

[ls32ssibm]

There are some people who live their lives vicariously through their children. Such as some dads who are tyrants on the sports field when it comes to their child's playing time or how he is treated and played on the team. There are some women who live their lives through their daughters, and they consider a break up their daughter has with a boyfriend as a personal rejection of themselves. Or they push their children into something for their own ego gratification, and they live their lives through their children.

 

 

 

My ex-girlfriend's mother was a lot like this. She had my ex (and another two kids afterward) when she was I think 26 or 27 and never returned to work and just remained a stay-at-home mom after that. I think it got to her in the way you suggest since she was way too involved in our relationship and I 100% consider her a factor in why it didn't work out.

[KraftDinner]

For me, having kids is just a part of my life. An addition to it. It is not my whole identity, but it does constitute part of my identity--that of being a mother. I am also a wife, a daughter, a sister, a student, an employee, and have many other aspects of my life that don't involve my children. Children add to your life. They add another dimension to your life. Some people may allow themselves to be so wrapped up in their children, that they stop feeding the other parts of their self that also need nurturing, such as their role as a spouse, but that is not inevitable. That is a choice some people make to make their lives solely about their children to the exclusion of the other aspects of their identity. I think most people try to balance their lives so that they don't lose themselves in the process of becoming parents. Being a parent is an important part of many people's lives and identities, but for most, it adds to your identity, it doesn't compromise it. I think the reason some people post a lot of pictures of their children is because they are proud of their children, not because they are putting aside their own identity.

 

This is very true of a lot of people, aand this sounds healthy.

 

It's definitely not guaranteed that having kids will make you disappear. Most people remain the same people. Or a lot, anyway. But not everyone is able to make that transition in a healthy way.

 

Making your kid your whole life isn't fair to the kid either.

[KraftDinner]

My ex-girlfriend's mother was a lot like this. She had my ex (and another two kids afterward) when she was I think 26 or 27 and never returned to work and just remained a stay-at-home mom after that. I think it got to her in the way you suggest since she was way too involved in our relationship and I 100% consider her a factor in why it didn't work out.

 

Now that you mention this, I have to say I had a similar experience.

 

My ex's mom (later my MIL) was involved in every aspect of our lives. She was a SAHM even after her 3 kids were grown and had her finger in everything.

 

She never liked me. My ex said it was because I was "thin and pretty" while she and her daughter (my ex's sister, obviously) always had to struggle with their weight. That's stupid but there was a lot of evidence to support this. She was always rubbing in my face how good her daughter was at school, and making subtle digs at my appearance. Like one time she showed me a pic of this chick they knew who was pretty and, shall we say, voluptuous, and said, "Doesn't she make you sick? Don't you wish you looked like this?" I don't remember if I even responded.

 

All that to say, she was so wrapped up in identifying herself through her daughter that I was a personal affront for being more successful in one aspect of life. I'd say her involvement contributed to about 40 per cent of our divorce.

[pyramid]

You have to make an effort to keep "yourself" when you have kids. I got married young (22) and had my son at 26. After I got divorced, my life was not about me at all. I was a full-time single parent, working, underwater financially - there was no time or space physically or emotionally to have my own hobbies, to date, etc. My son truly was my priority and my life revolved around him.

 

As he got older, and didn't require as much direct "mom" time, I started doing more for myself. I think at this point I have a better balance, but my life is much different than it would be if I weren't a mom. Meeting his needs and my needs can be difficult - for example, he requested a while back that he only have a babysitter one night a week. Reasonable request - but I often want to go out two nights. We have discussed options and have come up a solution that works for both of us.

 

It's a completely different life. It is a sacrifice in many ways. It's also rewarding. I guess that's when you know you're ready to be a parent - when the rewards outweigh the sacrifices.

[KathyM]

It's definitely not guaranteed that having kids will make you disappear. Most people remain the same people. Or a lot, anyway. But not everyone is able to make that transition in a healthy way.

 

Making your kid your whole life isn't fair to the kid either.

True. That puts a lot of pressure on the children and is unhealthy for them. They need to see their parents as role models with a healthy, well-integrated life of their own.

[ls32ssibm]

Now that you mention this, I have to say I had a similar experience.

 

My ex's mom (later my MIL) was involved in every aspect of our lives. She was a SAHM even after her 3 kids were grown and had her finger in everything.

 

She never liked me. My ex said it was because I was "thin and pretty" while she and her daughter (my ex's sister, obviously) always had to struggle with their weight. That's stupid but there was a lot of evidence to support this. She was always rubbing in my face how good her daughter was at school, and making subtle digs at my appearance. Like one time she showed me a pic of this chick they knew who was pretty and, shall we say, voluptuous, and said, "Doesn't she make you sick? Don't you wish you looked like this?" I don't remember if I even responded.

 

All that to say, she was so wrapped up in identifying herself through her daughter that I was a personal affront for being more successful in one aspect of life. I'd say her involvement contributed to about 40 per cent of our divorce.

 

 

 

Heh, this reminded me of something else.

 

Shortly before I had shipped out for Marine officer school I went to dinner with my mother and her boyfriend of 12 years. We had invited my girlfriend and her parents so they could meet.

 

My mother is 56 and looks very pretty. Thin with a full head of blonde hair still (I'm sure it's dyed at this point, but hell if I've ever seen it's real color, heh). She works out daily.

 

My ex's mother was very out of shape. I swear, it was over at that point when they met. I even recall my ex's mother attempting to start crap with my mother about whether or not the 50+ communities in Florida are technically "old folks homes", but to be honest the whole experience was awkward, very hazy and I had bigger things on my mind at the time.

[Drseussgrrl]

I have several friends right now having babies.

 

I told my girlfriend that I still wanted to see some pics of her on FB, too. She just shrugged it off and said, "I haven't done anything interesting lately."

 

There is a new pic of that baby every other day.

[pink_sugar]

I think it's important to still have your own life outside of your kids. While your kids are a major part of your life, you don't want to smother them by making them the air you breathe. It's too much pressure on a child and kids eventually want their own independence. I could never imagine being a SAHM for that reason. What will you do when your kids go off to school and have their own lives? You do have to put your kids ahead of yourself though and factor in necessities, like a bigger home, bigger car, extra expenses. Right now there's no way I could afford that and I don't see myself as maternal. Someday when I'm in my 30's maybe my mind will change. I think it's possible I will see having children as an enrichment to my life, but not at this moment in time. I want to have a career and see the world.

 

I also got married, at 19 and almost 24 now. No kids. To me, having kids is a much bigger commitment. At least with divorce you can say audios and good riddance to the other person. Even if you don't get married, once you have kids with someone, you are stuck dealing and seeing that person the rest of your life. My parents are proof of that.

Edited March 29, 2013 by pink_sugar

[TigerCub]

This is very similar to how I feel when people have their kids as their profile pics.

 

But my gut emotional reaction isn't that they see themselves as nothing more than a parent. If that were the case, I feel like it would be pics of themselves with the kids.

 

No, when I see someone's kid as a profile pic, I think the parent has disappeared into the kid. Not into being a parent, but his or her identity has become enmeshed into the kid him/herself.

 

I mean no offense to parents at all.

 

 

When I read that I was like "aah! yeah!! that articulates what I was thinking even more" - It is more than identifying as just a parent it does come off as identifying only through their kids.

 

Good wording on that part

[blugirl]

This is very similar to how I feel when people have their kids as their profile pics.

 

But my gut emotional reaction isn't that they see themselves as nothing more than a parent. If that were the case, I feel like it would be pics of themselves with the kids.

 

No, when I see someone's kid as a profile pic, I think the parent has disappeared into the kid. Not into being a parent, but his or her identity has become enmeshed into the kid him/herself.

 

I mean no offense to parents at all.

 

One other explanation: the parent got ugly or fat and is hiding, haha.

 

Seriously though. I had this world-traveller friend who had all sorts of fun stories and was an interesting person. She got married and had kids and...her fb is nothing but her kids. Every little thing they do gets a play-by-play, but I honestly have no idea what she looks like anymore. Or if she's still married! She has never mentioned him.

 

Good for her if she's happy, I mean, I'm not saying she can't do that or whatever. But where did she go?

Oh yeah, I can relate so much - whenever I see those women putting kids' pics in their profile pics and everything in their profiles is about their kids, I want to puke. I've also noticed how some blogger's in the 'about me' description boxes write 'a mother of...' as the first thing and I'm like, seriously? You're a girl/woman, lover, wife, successful worker, etc first BEFORE you're a mother! Sheeeesh. Certainly A LOT of women's brains turn into a porridge after they give birth and they apparently totally lose the sense of 'themselves', being able only to talk about how their' kid's poo looked like today etc :/ Really sad to see.

[Radu]

I think George Carlin said it better when he discussed child worship, about the professional diaper sniffers who become completely validated through the child.

 

[TigerCub]

I think George Carlin said it better when he discussed child worship, about the professional diaper sniffers who become completely validated through the child.

 

 

just watched that -really funny and so true.

 

It's actually funny in the comedy bit, but really think about it and how all the things he mocked are actually how things are happening now - it's actually kind of sad really.

[Art_Critic]

Your identity doesn't get lost, it changes.. your identity now includes your new role in life, parenting.

 

Living and growing is a work in progress, you are never the same person today as you were yesterday and an altered identity mirrors that.

 

All is good though, I think you reach a point that you want to stop focusing on yourself so much and give what you have to offer to a little person

[Radu]

just watched that -really funny and so true.

 

It's actually funny in the comedy bit, but really think about it and how all the things he mocked are actually how things are happening now - it's actually kind of sad really.

 

His bit on Politician and language is beyond scary.

Edited April 6, 2013 by Radu

[Fugu]

THe more people you bring into your life, the more you lose your sense of individual identity. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing. We become less important as individuals as we get older. We have to learn to fade back into the oblivion and just silently make our contributions. That's how I see it anyway.