Our meeting after two and a half years

[noelle303]

So, I thought I'd give you guys an update on my situation.

 

My exMM recently came back in my life after no contact for over two years, wanting to meet our now two year old daughter.

 

Last month he got in touch with my lawyer and discussed it with him and over a week ago he and I met up in person.

 

I provided very little information to him since I am not yet sure of his intentions. I did tell him we have a daughter (he didn't even know that much). He wants to meet her, he wants to be a part of her life, he wants a relationship.

On the other hand - he is still married, his wife doesn't know anything, they live in another city now.

 

I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father - I don't want it to be a secret and with him popping in and out when he feels like it. She needs stability and she doesn't need a parent she can't rely on whenever she needs to.

 

It was such a strange meeting. I can't even describe it. The last time we spoke/seen each other it was just so ugly. He was horrible, the way he treated me was horrible and then last week I was just so above him. Like he was miles beneath me, literally like dirt on my shoe. Anger just shot through me. I kept thinking is this man truly worthy of meeting my beautiful little girl?

He said that for the past two years he couldn't shake the thought of her, he was thinking about it every day and it was eating him up. He couldn't look at his two sons without thinking that another child, their sibling is somewhere out there and he can't bear the thought of never knowing it.

 

I told him that her job is not to satisfy his curiosity or fulfill his need to meet her. His job is to meet her needs.

 

We corresponded a few more times and a gave it a lot of thought. I talked to my parents and got professional advice. My worst fear is not trying hard enough for her to grow up knowing her father. So I'm torn between the ''soft option'' which is to allow a meeting and giving him a little more time to break this to his family (after all there are two boys involved not that much older than my child) and the ''hard option'' which is no contact whatsoever until everything is clear with his wife.

 

I know most of you are going to be for the hard one, but please do try and and remember that if there is any potential I need to give it a chance for her sake. He already missed so much.

[cocorico]

You spoke to your parents and got professional advice. How do you feel about the advice you received? Did it make sense or was your gut telling you something else?

 

You are wise to be cautious and to explore this fully, emotionally and intellectually, because you are a single parent and you need to feel certain in your own mind you are making the best call at all times for your daughter. I think you are doing a great job and your daughter is lucky to have you as her mother.

[Summer Breeze]

So, I thought I'd give you guys an update on my situation.

 

My exMM recently came back in my life after no contact for over two years, wanting to meet our now two year old daughter.

 

Last month he got in touch with my lawyer and discussed it with him and over a week ago he and I met up in person.

 

I provided very little information to him since I am not yet sure of his intentions. I did tell him we have a daughter (he didn't even know that much). He wants to meet her, he wants to be a part of her life, he wants a relationship.

On the other hand - he is still married, his wife doesn't know anything, they live in another city now.

 

I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father - I don't want it to be a secret and with him popping in and out when he feels like it. She needs stability and she doesn't need a parent she can't rely on whenever she needs to.

 

It was such a strange meeting. I can't even describe it. The last time we spoke/seen each other it was just so ugly. He was horrible, the way he treated me was horrible and then last week I was just so above him. Like he was miles beneath me, literally like dirt on my shoe. Anger just shot through me. I kept thinking is this man truly worthy of meeting my beautiful little girl?

He said that for the past two years he couldn't shake the thought of her, he was thinking about it every day and it was eating him up. He couldn't look at his two sons without thinking that another child, their sibling is somewhere out there and he can't bear the thought of never knowing it.

 

I told him that her job is not to satisfy his curiosity or fulfill his need to meet her. His job is to meet her needs.

 

We corresponded a few more times and a gave it a lot of thought. I talked to my parents and got professional advice. My worst fear is not trying hard enough for her to grow up knowing her father. So I'm torn between the ''soft option'' which is to allow a meeting and giving him a little more time to break this to his family (after all there are two boys involved not that much older than my child) and the ''hard option'' which is no contact whatsoever until everything is clear with his wife.

 

I know most of you are going to be for the hard one, but please do try and and remember that if there is any potential I need to give it a chance for her sake. He already missed so much.

 

Picture this. XMM and your gorgeous D are out one day and have been playing in the park. He gathers her up and they get into his car. His phone rings and he looks at her and puts his finger to his mouth and says 'shhhh. Daddy has to take this call and you need to sit quietly and let's play a game that you can't speak.' Fast forward to Christmas when he can't call her in the morning and share what Santa brought to her but he'll try later that night if he can. Then all of a sudden she's at the prom and she's angry because he can't put her photos of them up on Facebook.

 

I know you're looking for what's best for her but look to the future not just right now. Don't let her be a secret. What will that tell her for the rest of her life?

 

You're in a really tough position and I hope you choose wisely. If I were you I'd be telling him that he would have no R with his D til his own family was aware of her and that he was going to build an R with her.

 

Good luck to you.

[Silver_Lining]

I feel your heart in this one! Very tough and no easy answer for sure.

I can completely understand the need and reaching for your daughter to know and have stability.. that is priority for sure.

No advice other than the situation until you learn more from him is unstable. With him being married the "popping" in and out of her life based on his schedule and working around his other family is sure to bring frustration and conflict but you already know that.

It would seem that two decisions need to be made:

1. He needs to dig deep and understand what really is important to him and if he is willing to commit to be there for your daughter he has to man up and do just that on a consistent basis no matter what or just stay out. That child does not need to be treated as a play toy. That is only fair!!

2. You have to come to terms of course with this new reality and decide for yourself if it is worth it! Can he be trusted to be there? What are his intentions? Where is your heart with him?

 

I commend your attitude in at least being willing to view the situation with an open mind and understanding heart.. A heart you must guard for yourself and daughter.

Who knows maybe he really has changed in a big way and the torment over the couple years has weighed on his mind enough to bring about an understanding and need to own up to things! That my friend is something you will have to determine based on your intuition and inner weighing of this.

Cautiously approaching this seems best initially with a willing suspension of disbelieve to protect you, your daughter and any hopes he may have!

Good luck and God bless!! just my thoughts

[veryhappy]

Can you go for a hybrid?

 

My first reaction was to say there's nothing good coming out of secrets, and go the hard way, but your daughter is at an age where she won't remember him if they meet once. I'd try one meeting with the understanding that he would only see her afterwards if he gets his ducks in a row in a way that the two of you agree.

 

It all depends on whether you can handle it. He might turn out to be dirt and you won't hear from him or he'll try to keep the secret meetings going.

 

Tough place to be, but maybe seeing his daughter in person will give him the courage.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm VERY pro-contact kids and parents/bio-parents. BUT this precious little person has done nothing wrong and should not be a secret or a part-time pastime.

 

We don't see families with 3 kids, 1 of which lives in the basement. Just wrong.

 

Please please do all you can to assist and encourage but I think that long-term there needs to be a parenting plan in place and you guys need help through this, independent, small-person-oriented focus.

 

It's good to see you back. You seem to be doing well, good on you

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This guy needs to man-up and come clean with his wife and children. IF he is ready to take on full responsibility of having a relationship with your daughter, then give him the chance to do that, but not until he has had full disclosure.

 

The fact that it has been haunting him the last two years is a sign he has a heart and is feeling guilty.

 

I was pregnant with my xMM's child (have 3 of my own children with my husband and he has 2 small boys with his wife). I lost the baby right after D-Day. I almost didn't tell him but then did. I suffered through the miscarriage by myself, did not tell my husband. Finally I told my xMM. He seemed very distraught but was trying to go NC with me so basically handed me off to my sister or find someone I could talk to - he couldn't be the one to console me. It absolutely devastated me.

 

We finally did have contact one last time a few months later to bury a box for the baby but that ended up being a disaster as well - last time I saw him really 3 years ago.

 

I sometimes wonder what would have happened had the baby lived. How my life would have been different (as well as my children and his). It's something I still grieve.

 

Good luck - but know that this child is so precious and she deserves the very best!

[krazikat]

I am a bw, and imho I would want to know if my wh had fathered a child with ow. I would be more disappointed about the a had he fathered a child and abandoned the child. Granted, it would b a tough situation to say the least, but I would lose all respect for wh if he was so cold as to do this! What a jackhole!

 

As hard as it would be to look at a little reminder of a dark time for a bs, that child is not at fault.

[MissBee]

Hey noelle,

 

You seem to have handled things wisely thus far, with your daughter's best interest in mind. Good for you!

 

I hear you about having him in her life. I think you should definitely wait for him to tell his wife and settle things in that regard so that he can make space for her in a healthy fashion. In that way you'll have more evidence that he is serious about being in her life and isn't simply curious, and won't meet her, then continue with the secret. While in the A an OW can wait for him to break the news as he drags his feet and carries on for years saying "it's not the right time", but don't allow him to do that with her! Let him get his house in order and prepare yourself to deal with that before you grant him access to her. Everything won't be resolved an smooth, especially not for him, but at least you'll know you're not signing up for more secrecy.

 

Keep your family and advisers close during this time as it will have lots of challenges. But you seem to have your sights firmly on what's best for your daughter, so continue to let that guide you. Good luck!

Edited March 29, 2013 by MissBee

[Treasa]

So, I thought I'd give you guys an update on my situation.

 

My exMM recently came back in my life after no contact for over two years, wanting to meet our now two year old daughter.

 

Last month he got in touch with my lawyer and discussed it with him and over a week ago he and I met up in person.

 

I provided very little information to him since I am not yet sure of his intentions. I did tell him we have a daughter (he didn't even know that much). He wants to meet her, he wants to be a part of her life, he wants a relationship.

On the other hand - he is still married, his wife doesn't know anything, they live in another city now.

 

I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father - I don't want it to be a secret and with him popping in and out when he feels like it. She needs stability and she doesn't need a parent she can't rely on whenever she needs to.

 

It was such a strange meeting. I can't even describe it. The last time we spoke/seen each other it was just so ugly. He was horrible, the way he treated me was horrible and then last week I was just so above him. Like he was miles beneath me, literally like dirt on my shoe. Anger just shot through me. I kept thinking is this man truly worthy of meeting my beautiful little girl?

He said that for the past two years he couldn't shake the thought of her, he was thinking about it every day and it was eating him up. He couldn't look at his two sons without thinking that another child, their sibling is somewhere out there and he can't bear the thought of never knowing it.

 

I told him that her job is not to satisfy his curiosity or fulfill his need to meet her. His job is to meet her needs.

 

We corresponded a few more times and a gave it a lot of thought. I talked to my parents and got professional advice. My worst fear is not trying hard enough for her to grow up knowing her father. So I'm torn between the ''soft option'' which is to allow a meeting and giving him a little more time to break this to his family (after all there are two boys involved not that much older than my child) and the ''hard option'' which is no contact whatsoever until everything is clear with his wife.

 

I know most of you are going to be for the hard one, but please do try and and remember that if there is any potential I need to give it a chance for her sake. He already missed so much.

 

He didn't even know he had a daughter, but he's been thinking of this child for two years? Whatever. Clearly you've been raising her alone. If he wants to have a relationship with her, he needs to own up to it, pay child support, and then maybe that will demonstrate that he's serious about being a good father to her.

[whichwayisup]

Deal is, if he wants to be a part of her life, a father at all - He HAS to come clean and tell his wife and sons the truth. Otherwise it's all a secret and a waste of time, your daughter will get hurt and suffer from him hiding her from his wife and other kids.

[noelle303]

Picture this. XMM and your gorgeous D are out one day and have been playing in the park. He gathers her up and they get into his car. His phone rings and he looks at her and puts his finger to his mouth and says 'shhhh. Daddy has to take this call and you need to sit quietly and let's play a game that you can't speak.' Fast forward to Christmas when he can't call her in the morning and share what Santa brought to her but he'll try later that night if he can. Then all of a sudden she's at the prom and she's angry because he can't put her photos of them up on Facebook.

 

I never said I would sign up for something like that. He will not have relationship with her based on a secret. My child is not and will not be brought up in shame and secrecy.

 

Can you go for a hybrid?

 

My first reaction was to say there's nothing good coming out of secrets, and go the hard way, but your daughter is at an age where she won't remember him if they meet once. I'd try one meeting with the understanding that he would only see her afterwards if he gets his ducks in a row in a way that the two of you agree.

 

It all depends on whether you can handle it. He might turn out to be dirt and you won't hear from him or he'll try to keep the secret meetings going.

 

Tough place to be, but maybe seeing his daughter in person will give him the courage.

 

That is what I was thinking. Just seeing how it goes and whether it will truly shake the truth out of him. If he's in it just for curiosity reasons and isn't serious about being a real father then that will be the end. And at least I gave it my all then and Ava met him.

 

And if he is serious then he will do what is right for her.

 

A lot of people on here are saying how they don't have biological fathers present and have stepfathers who stepped in that role. Well, I'm not married and I am not actively seeking a husband for myself. My focus is on my daughter first and my career second. Relationships with men are something I take very slowly and do not even involve my daughter in.

 

I am a bw, and imho I would want to know if my wh had fathered a child with ow. I would be more disappointed about the a had he fathered a child and abandoned the child. Granted, it would b a tough situation to say the least, but I would lose all respect for wh if he was so cold as to do this! What a jackhole!

 

As hard as it would be to look at a little reminder of a dark time for a bs, that child is not at fault.

 

 

That is what he told me as well. That he is also now very ashamed and anxious at how everyone in his life will not only accept the child he has out of wedlock but also the fact that he abandoned her the way he did.

 

I know we brought it on ourselves but I try to see it from his perspective and it can't be an easy thing to face.

[anna121]

Sorry, but I am not convinced of the merit of the compromise position. Obviously your daughter gains nothing out of a one-time meeting. So what exactly is the impetus to introduce him to her while she is still a secret?

 

I think that by having that first meeting you give up crucial ground, and he will know on some level that he does not need to respect your wishes.

 

I will also be blunt - considering his past shoddy treatment of you, you seem to have too much empathy for him. I don't think you feel that he is beneath you at all. I think you are at risk of wanting to recreate family unit with him... even if you honestly don't feel that way right now.

[Summer Breeze]

I never said I would sign up for something like that. He will not have relationship with her based on a secret. My child is not and will not be brought up in shame and secrecy.

 

I do understand you didn't say you'd sign up for something like this but your post was actually stating you were looking for us to be easy on you. I was being easy on you. What I wanted to say is that you would be an absolute fool to allow this man ANY access to your child until you knew he had come clean with his family and that you and his W sat down with you so you could let them know what you expect out of the situation and you to find out what they do.

 

When you introduce the two of them you open up a whole new dynamic that includes his W. Be sure of how she will treat your D. Be prepared for him to take her to their home for weekends and away on family vacations. Be prepared that they may make a great R out of it all. Be prepared for it to be horrible. That his W will resent her and the time she spends with her F and his W will be torturous to her. Custody is set up and she's little so you can do little about it.

 

You deserve to at least meet with both he and his W before ANY contact is made. You deserve to look his W in the eye and get a feeling for how this is going. Right now the power is yours. My concern is that you hand it over too quickly on sentimentality.

 

As for your D meeting her F now and not remembering. My adult D remembers times with her F at that age. Not clearly formed memories but little pieces and they are surprisingly accurate and some hurtful. I wouldn't let them meet til you have as much of a grasp on the future as you can have.

 

On at gentler note. I think you are doing an amazing job. You are seeking help and taking advice from all quarters. It's obvious how much you love your D and she is one lucky little girl. I have no doubt you will eventually make the best, and correct, decision for you and more importantly for her.

 

Please keep us posted on how this goes.

[noelle303]

Sorry, but I am not convinced of the merit of the compromise position. Obviously your daughter gains nothing out of a one-time meeting. So what exactly is the impetus to introduce him to her while she is still a secret?

 

I think that by having that first meeting you give up crucial ground, and he will know on some level that he does not need to respect your wishes.

 

I will also be blunt - considering his past shoddy treatment of you, you seem to have too much empathy for him. I don't think you feel that he is beneath you at all. I think you are at risk of wanting to recreate family unit with him... even if you honestly don't feel that way right now.

 

I don't want anything to do with him romantically. There is just one relationship I hope to have with him and that is a co-parenting one.

 

I guess a lot of people are confused at me placing value on that one meeting but I just feel like one meeting is better than none. I truly feel like that. And if that one meeting will push him even further into coming clean and give him courage I can see benefits to it.

 

 

I remember your story.

 

I was ac2ally hoping that you would decide not 2 tell the OM anything.

 

Because the only other "right" thing 2 do would be 2 expose the affair 2 his W because he WON'T (I'll bet large sums of other peoples' cash that he won't on his own, ever). The danger there would be that he and his wife could seek custody of YOUR daughter. Not a big chance they would succeed in getting it, but stranger things are in the news...

 

 

I'm not afraid of custody seeking. My dad is a lawyer, his very good friend practices family law and counseled me many times - the case would be a dead end.

 

As I said - if I put aside my anger and if I put aside any spitefulness I have, I can actually see that the situation is difficult for him. Is he to blame - absolutely. Does he risk loosing his entire livelihood? Absolutely.

 

As I said, my daughter will not grow up as his secret. Never! But giving him some time to figure things out and gather courage, while also giving my daughter a chance to meet her father sounds like a good option.

If even after meeting her he doesn't come clean then he can hit the road and Ava can decide when she's older if she wants to get to know him.

[ComingInHot]

Maybe I need someone to catch ,me up to speed here...

 

You engaged in an A w/MM.

You got Pregnant.

MM Ended A w/you.

It wasn't pretty.

He never confessed to his W.

You never confessed to his W.

You had Beautiful baby girl* .

Two years go bye w/NC from MM.

You and your daughter are in a good place.

MM contacts You w/sob story about guilt about daughter & wanting to meet her.

You get legal advice, familial advice & now LS advice because You are caving to MM's request.

Mm STILL hasn't told His W he had A and/or daughter.

MM STILL needs "more" to confess.

You beautiful little girl remains a secret. but MM wants to meet her...

 

SOOooooooo, is the father at Least paying child support for his daughter? Has he or is he contributed/in in ANY way to the life of his daughter that he shows he wants to be a part of her life in All the ways a Real Dad should?

IF you allow this MM & father to your daughter to meet her, as a secret, and then continue to "drop in" when he feels like or "can" until your daughter realizes She is the secret, what do you think that will teach her or how it'll make her feel?

 

Last question (promise*). Why didn't you ever tell MM's W, about her H's daughter, half sister to her sons?

 

I hope you find the answers you r looking for*

[noelle303]

Maybe I need someone to catch ,me up to speed here...

 

You engaged in an A w/MM.

You got Pregnant.

MM Ended A w/you.

It wasn't pretty.

He never confessed to his W.

You never confessed to his W.

You had Beautiful baby girl* .

Two years go bye w/NC from MM.

You and your daughter are in a good place.

MM contacts You w/sob story about guilt about daughter & wanting to meet her.

You get legal advice, familial advice & now LS advice because You are caving to MM's request.

Mm STILL hasn't told His W he had A and/or daughter.

MM STILL needs "more" to confess.

You beautiful little girl remains a secret. but MM wants to meet her...

 

SOOooooooo, is the father at Least paying child support for his daughter? Has he or is he contributed/in in ANY way to the life of his daughter that he shows he wants to be a part of her life in All the ways a Real Dad should?

IF you allow this MM & father to your daughter to meet her, as a secret, and then continue to "drop in" when he feels like or "can" until your daughter realizes She is the secret, what do you think that will teach her or how it'll make her feel?

 

Last question (promise*). Why didn't you ever tell MM's W, about her H's daughter, half sister to her sons?

 

I hope you find the answers you r looking for*

 

He never paid child support or contributed in any way. He didn't even know we had a daughter until a couple of weeks ago.

 

I never told his wife because that is not my job. I will never tell his wife. If he wants to be a part of my daughter's life and is serious about it he will do it himself. I'm not forcing anyone to come clean - that is his job and his dirty work.

I never said I will allow my daughter to be his secret, but I said that I would allow her to meet him because I do believe there are benefits to it. If after meeting her and seeing her he isn't motivated to be a real father then he can hit the road.

[dreamingoftigers]

He's done nothing aside from sending a mutual acquaintance around to sniff for details.

 

In two years.

 

Maybe I need someone to catch ,me up to speed here...

 

You engaged in an A w/MM.

You got Pregnant.

MM Ended A w/you.

It wasn't pretty.

He never confessed to his W.

You never confessed to his W.

You had Beautiful baby girl* .

Two years go bye w/NC from MM.

You and your daughter are in a good place.

MM contacts You w/sob story about guilt about daughter & wanting to meet her.

You get legal advice, familial advice & now LS advice because You are caving to MM's request.

Mm STILL hasn't told His W he had A and/or daughter.

MM STILL needs "more" to confess.

You beautiful little girl remains a secret. but MM wants to meet her...

 

SOOooooooo, is the father at Least paying child support for his daughter? Has he or is he contributed/in in ANY way to the life of his daughter that he shows he wants to be a part of her life in All the ways a Real Dad should?

IF you allow this MM & father to your daughter to meet her, as a secret, and then continue to "drop in" when he feels like or "can" until your daughter realizes She is the secret, what do you think that will teach her or how it'll make her feel?

 

Last question (promise*). Why didn't you ever tell MM's W, about her H's daughter, half sister to her sons?

 

I hope you find the answers you r looking for*

[noelle303]

Noelle after reading your most recent post...

 

I did meet my real dad once. It's a vague blurry memory of a guy wearing a green shirt. I guess we spent the whole day together.

It was a condition of him giving up his parental rights, he wanted the day with me before he decided for sure I guess.

 

*eyeroll* Apparently he didn't want to be a dad.

 

But it didn't hurt me to meet him once, however if he'd decided he wanted dto parent based on that one meeting and been aroudn sporadically it could have.

 

So I absolutely get the idea of one meeting, but remember, your daughter is an amazing gift, and he hasn't shown he's worthy of that gift at all so far. So, if you do let him meet her, make sure you do have a timeline, 1 meeting or whatever before he makes a choice.

 

I said it didn't hurt, but honestly... in some ways maybe it did. I do remember hearing the story and thinking, so he met me, spent the day with me and then decided he didn't want to be a parent? What did *I* do to make him think that way.

It wasn't something that I ever dwelled on, kind of a random thought that would pop up from time to time, so while the meeting itself didn't hurt the way it was explained and handled with me as I grew sort of did.

 

I'm sorry it happened that way. But what if meeting her and seeing her gives him the necessary courage to come clean to his wife? I mean, I'm just saying that it is a difficult situation for him as well and his family primarily.

[ComingInHot]

Dreaming, " He's done nothing aside from sending a mutual acquaintance around to sniff for details.

 

In two years."

 

wow. What a $*!!!!

Sorry Noelle, I don't mean You Any disrespect. You sound like you are doing really well w/moving ahead w/your life**

[JourneyLady]

If he treated YOU like a jerk, what makes you think he will do any less to his daughter? He sounds like a selfish jerk - do you really think that has changed? It didn't change with the birth of his sons, did it?

 

You are right to consider this very carefully...

[Goodbye]

What were the circumstances around the ending? I assume you didn't tell him you were pregnant? How do you suppose he would have reacted?

[dreamingoftigers]

A grown man DOES NOT gain courage from a child he brought into the world. If he had courage enough to father the other two he should have enough courage to parent your child/his child as well. It is not a difficult situation for him nor his family since they do not know. You are going to do what you are going to do but please don't waste emotional energy on trying to give this louse more credit than he deserves at being a father or a human being.

 

If you read my threads and posts, you can see that I am a HUGE advocate for parental involvement and father's stepping up.

 

HUGE.

 

I'm also Mormon, so family values are a big deal.

 

But your should NOT be the CATALYST for his courage.

He knows what having children is like. He knows that this is important. That's why it's been eating him up.

 

Let him be a man and figure it out on his own.

 

You and your daughter are not the "Courage Coaches."

 

He likely isn't the Dad you hope he is. He hasn't been to his two children and he called yours a "blood stain."

 

He mentioned when you were pregnant that he already had "real kids." he also hasn't treated your daughter like she's real in two years. He's offered you nothing and tried to pathetically manipulate the situation and keep this on the DL. And now you are thinking of using your daughter to pull his heart strings to turn him strong and honest.

 

He hasn't given you ANY indication that he's even CAPABLE of that.

 

Honestly Noelle, he's a glorified sperm donor. Not a father.

If he wants to meet his daughter he should be SHOWING that he's a father FIRST. Not you trying to prove and show just how real and special your daughter is.

 

She comes first. Not the ex-MM douchebag who hasn't even offered to send her a little coin each month so help with the expense of raising her. Come on! He couldn't even find a lousy $50 a month to send his little "Blood stain."???

I'm a student and I can scrounge together that much from my couch for pizza delivery.

 

I've been accused of having far too much empathy for my messed-up husband. And I have and do, but guess what? He has NEVER treated our child like she doesn't exist or that she is "less than."

 

My previously sexual addict, alcohol relapsing, abusive, money-hiding/stealing, cheating, whining, raging, job-losing, moocher husband NEVER TREATED our child with such tantamount disrespect. (he's also made massive changes to keep her in his life.)

 

What does that say about ex-MM?

 

My husband furthermore overcame all of those BS obstacles largely because he was ordered to have no visits with her for two months until he could prove he was stable and capable. He couldn't stand to be away from her.

 

This joker already knows how important these early stages are. How much work. He knows exactly what he's missing. And he's done exactly: ZILCH.

 

If my husband can overcome his own deep-seated issues to be a Dad, surely this joker could've sent her a little coin or SOMETHING to acknowledge the very fact that she exists. He's had TWO YEARS to add SOMETHING to her life.

 

He still isn't offering to ADD to her life. He just wants to see her. He wants the guilt and curiosity to subside a little.

 

If he isn't thinking that he needs to add something into her life, why the heck should he get to meet her?

 

He's a liability to her. And if one meeting happens there are two possibilities that could easily happen. 1. He will just disappear again. Yeah, that's healthy.

2. He will twist, guilt, manipulate and play the "Father" card until you cave, again, to allowing him to take her to the park or out to McDonald's or whatever. He would at least try.

 

Personally I think he'll do number 2. I think he whine, bitch, moan and complain about how he'll lose his family if he comes clean. He backtrack, he might even tell you he told them. I think he'll push until you cave because "he's already met her and it isn't fair to keep her from her father that loves her." Even though what he's done to back up those claims would be exactly zero.

 

Did he even bring a little toy or something to give to her at the meeting?

A hair clip? Anything?

 

What's he adding besides his "special sperm?"

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm quoting myself cause I was too late to edit.

 

YOU MUST NOT WAVER in the ONLY one meeting. If you can't do that, then don't let him meet her.

Make a list of what he's allowed to tell her, share with her. If he won't agree to that, no meeting.

He's proven that he can make promises he doesn't keep, dont' let him make them to her.

 

I would typically agree with LFH BUT Noelle, you haven't been anywhere near enough of a hardass with this guy.

 

Make sure he doesn't tell her that he's her Dad.

 

She doesn't need his baggage, even though she's tiny and would have a limited understanding of it.

[dreamingoftigers]

What were the circumstances around the ending? I assume you didn't tell him you were pregnant? How do you suppose he would have reacted?

 

He knew.

 

He said he would cut it out of her if she didn't get an abortion.

 

He also got a little physical with Noelle.

 

After claiming his Asshat of the Year Award his disappeared for two years without finding out the gender of his child.