Goodbye Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 He knew. He said he would cut it out of her if she didn't get an abortion. He also got a little physical with Noelle. After claiming his Asshat of the Year Award his disappeared for two years without finding out the gender of his child. To me, that changes everything. He had his chance to step up already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 I know most of you are going to be for the hard [line], but please do try and and remember that if there is any potential I need to give it a chance for her sake. He already missed so much. I'm sorry to say there appears to be no real potential. The needs of your daughter are, in xMM's mind, directly opposed to his comfort and peace at home. He does have some uneasy feelings about his lengthy abandonment and shockingly bad behavior, thus proving he is not a psychopath, just a selfish and cruel individual. Just keep things simple. There is one and one key only to open the door: he and his wife meet with you and your counselor, lawyer, advocate or whoever else. (Make the wife show her driver's license or other government-issued ID.) The two of them state their plan to make his interaction with your daughter beneficial to her. Your daughter's interests will be paramount in this discussion. You take their proposal and think about it. Only if it has adequate safeguards for her emotional wellbeing will you even consider contact. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 He never paid child support or contributed in any way. He didn't even know we had a daughter until a couple of weeks ago. I never told his wife because that is not my job. I will never tell his wife. If he wants to be a part of my daughter's life and is serious about it he will do it himself. I'm not forcing anyone to come clean - that is his job and his dirty work. I never said I will allow my daughter to be his secret, but I said that I would allow her to meet him because I do believe there are benefits to it. If after meeting her and seeing her he isn't motivated to be a real father then he can hit the road. You are some level and that's okay. Bottom line is, if he wants to see his daughter and be in her life he HAS TO TELL HIS WIFE and other kids about you and his daughter. Anything short of this is ... Pointless and self serving. There's no real need for him to meet her right now UNTIL he confesses to his family. DO NOT introduce him to his daughter before his wife knows. There are NO benefits right now of them meeting, your kid is way too young to know anything anyway. And if that one meeting will push him even further into coming clean and give him courage I can see benefits to it. No, sorry N, you're so wrong about this. Seeing his daughter will confuse him more. He could also change his mind and walk away, being too scared to tell his family the truth, then what? He changes his mind in another few months or years? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 Noelle, some people are arguing it won't do your daughter any harm to meet him once because she is young and will forget about it. But it also won't do her any good. I don't see the positive at all. If this man were ever to confess to his family, seeing her once as a secret is just another betrayal to them and if you daughter ever were to find out, 'her dad had to check her out in person first before he decided he could bring her out in the open', it would be a betrayal to her too. Having siblings can be a big deal, in some ways maybe bigger than having an absentee father. You will need to decide if you want your daughter to know them and, if you do, you have every right to contact the mother as well. She will want to know if her children have a half-sibling and it is difficult to imagine her being less responsible of a parent than xMM. Given the situation, the whole thing is fraught with the potential of a lot of emotional fall-out, but if you decide that is what is best, I am sure you will figure out how to approach it in the best way. Just don't count on xMM being responsible or above board. He's been lying for years and that does not change quickly or easily, so don't count on it changing at all. Best of luck with everything. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 Having siblings can be a big deal, in some ways maybe bigger than having an absentee father. You will need to decide if you want your daughter to know them and, if you do, you have every right to contact the mother as well. She will want to know if her children have a half-sibling and it is difficult to imagine her being less responsible of a parent than xMM. This in the future could be fine, once everything is talked about and out in the open and some family counseling happens. They/he may want joint custody. Hope you're OK with that. His wife could very well embrace his daughter and love her dearly, feel blessed that their sons will have a sister. As long as his wife knows you're no threat and not pushing or wanting her husband and that the A is really over. Link to post Share on other sites
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