hannahvxx Posted March 29, 2013 Share Posted March 29, 2013 I am honestly baffled by a comment my boyfriend made: "you don't clean because you don't want to". This came about after we were discussing a topic I was reading in a book - long story short - it prompted me to say something like "so this means I'm not a good house-keeper". And that's when he said it - "you don't clean because you don't want to" and something about me sometimes not having time to do it, but that there are times when I do have time. I'm so upset over it right now, I don't know if I can even explain this right. I thought even though I haven't kept up with the cleaning (actually, since I got pregnant, we've combined households, and we've had the baby who is now 11 months old, I haven't had the same motivation to keep the house clutter free and clean like I used to). I am no longer a good housekeeper. I just wasn't expecting him to agree this way, and to give it such importance (we don't have trash all over, nothing of the sort...). I was hoping he would have said something else, like "well, cleaning the house isn't on top of the list, when there's so much more that is important: like spending time with the baby. You do so much already." I work full-time 9:00-5:30, but have been skipping a few lunches (running errands or working through lunch hour) and working a bit late (sometimes 30 minutes extra, sometimes an hour - tons of work recently and need my job, so I feel like I can't just leave on time), do the grocery shopping after work, cook (most of the food is homemade, except for things like bread, etc, also make the baby's food and freeze it), set table, wash the dishes, bottles, take care of the baby when I get home...I used to have a little bit more free time when the baby went to sleep earlier - by 11:30 PM she was out, now it's more like 1:30-2:00 AM. I'm constantly tired. The last thing on my mind on the weekend, is cleaning. I would rather be with the baby, take care of her, spend time with him, get some extra sleep in, and still cook, etc, than clean. Managed to clean the bathroom 2 weekends ago. Once in a while, I'll sweep the kitchen. Everything else is basic, cleaning the stove top, counters, clean kitchen table every night - that sort of small task. He helps me with the dishes, he does all the vacuuming, does the laundry, either makes breakfast or lunch on the weekends, takes the trash out, holds the baby when I need to cook, do the dishes, or take a bath. More importantly, he takes care of our daughter while I'm at work. I know it's hard to get things done when you are holding a baby. He knows that fully well, because some days, he doesn't get around to making himself breakfast or lunch, so why would he think I would be able to? Then he mentioned what's going to happen if he gets a job that is far, and we have 2 or 3 kids? I'm feeling very frustrated... Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted March 29, 2013 Share Posted March 29, 2013 What are you frustrated about.... That you said something and he agreed with you ? Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted March 29, 2013 Share Posted March 29, 2013 He takes care of the baby while you're at work means he's at home all day? Why can't he clean then? You work and cook fresh food and do the grocery shopping and and and ...... ??? Hell yes you deserve a break on the weekend without him whining. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted March 29, 2013 Share Posted March 29, 2013 From the angle I'm seeing this, you asked him a loaded question, that YOU brought up, and didn't like his answer, and now you are mad at him. Really?????? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted March 29, 2013 Share Posted March 29, 2013 I suggest, "you're right, I don't want to. I'm really tired from work and all I want to do is come home and spend time with the baby. But I know that all this stuff still needs to get done. So, let's talk about a plan to get it all done." Then, list of the things that need to get done. Each person chooses the chores that they are good at, have time to do and like to do. Then share out the rest. Include frequency and timetable it into a rota. Review after a month or two to see how it's working. You're going to have to compromise. Otherwise, you'll be letting this get in the way of your family life. And I'm sure you'd rather be spending time enjoying your baby and your home rather than spending it squabbling about who takes out the trash. Alternatively, pay for someone to do it. You might be an extra expense but you'll be paying for some peace of mind and that can be worth a lot more than you think. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted March 29, 2013 Share Posted March 29, 2013 He doesn't always have to be holding the baby. He can set her down somewhere close, and take an hour to wipe down things, vacuum, whatever else needs to be done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hannahvxx Posted March 29, 2013 Author Share Posted March 29, 2013 From the angle I'm seeing this, you asked him a loaded question, that YOU brought up, and didn't like his answer, and now you are mad at him. Really?????? I did not ask him a loaded question, I made a statement: "so this means I am not a good house-keeper". In my post, I am essentially agreeing that my house-keeping is not what it used to be, but he is the stay at home parent. If our roles were reversed, I'm sure I would have been expected to take care of the baby 24/7, the cooking, the cleaning, etc - basically what he and I now do put together. So for him to say that I "don't clean because" I "don't want to", that sometimes I have "free time", is what baffles and frustrates me - keeping in mind that he is free to do as he wishes, from the time I get home (6:00-7:00 PM) until 3:00-4:00 AM when he goes to sleep. He watches her when I cannot physically be with her (hold her/watch her) - when I am cooking, washing dishes, or taking a bath obviously. You are not answering my post to give me support and advice, you are answering my post looking for an argument. What you are saying does not help me, but thank you for contributing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hannahvxx Posted March 29, 2013 Author Share Posted March 29, 2013 He doesn't always have to be holding the baby. He can set her down somewhere close, and take an hour to wipe down things, vacuum, whatever else needs to be done. It is true. I've actually gotten one of those play yards and we've added toys, etc for her. She'll stay for a while, so hopefully, that will help us in the long run (freeing up our hands/arms to do other things Link to post Share on other sites
Author hannahvxx Posted March 29, 2013 Author Share Posted March 29, 2013 Ask him if his burning ambition in life is to mop the floors. Then point out that if he's going to be a SAHM dad then it's his job to do all of that. Then go get a pedicure and leave him with the baby while you do. The more I try to read into this (the issue, not your post ), the less it makes sense. He's so good with everything, we normally don't argue over roles. It just seems odd to me that he's pointing out something stereotypical, when again, our roles ARE reversed. In my view, he's a provider too, because he takes care of the baby. He gives her the attention I wish my father had given me growing up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 If you can afford it, hire a cleaning lady to come once every 2 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 Most SAHPs do keep up with the housework, though, rather than expecting the person who is also working to do it. Some can't, perhaps because their babies are a handful or they have a disabled or problem child, and in that case I'd think the wisest thing to do would be for them to say that THEY are unable to keep up with it and talk about the possibility of hiring a nanny or housekeeper. It seems slightly disingenius for a SAHP to put the blame on the working person for not cleaning, especially when the working person is already doing quite a lot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Wow...I don't get all the anger. You said you aren't a good housekeeper and he simply stated that you don't clean because you don't want to. Big deal. Then all the ladies come out saying "he stays home, it's his job!"...wow, imagine if I said that about my wife. Damn. It sounds like the OP is the one that is upset about the house being a mess. You've already said he does a bulk of the childcare, a lot of other things like dishes and laundry...basically he's the perfect husband based on what I have been reading on this site for years. Give the guy a break and stop being passive aggressive. If you want his praise for something ask for it, and certainly don't ask him for praise regarding something you don't deserve it for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Wow...I don't get all the anger. You said you aren't a good housekeeper and he simply stated that you don't clean because you don't want to. Big deal. Then all the ladies come out saying "he stays home, it's his job!"...wow, imagine if I said that about my wife. Damn. Really, so if your stay-at-home wife told you, "You don't clean because you don't want to", thus pinning the blame for the state of the house on you, you'd be totally fine with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 C'mon...did you read the OP...she was reading a book/article/whatever (and why does it always start with this?) and she is moved by something she reads to spit out "I guess I am a bad housekeeper..." when what she really wants to say is, "honey, since you stay at home with the little ragamuffin, why can't you keep a better house?" and she doesn't get the response she wants? Shocking. Ask the question or make the statement you want to make. Be direct. At the same time, if I am the working parent (and I have been) and I get home and things are a mess, but my spouse has been dealing with childcare all day long the LAST thing I am going to do is complain about the mess. Isn't that what one of the main topics around here is? Women take care of the kids why can't men pitch in with the housekeeping? The roles in this situation are reversed and now all the women say he should keep a better house...wow. She wants the house kept better? Or up to HER standards? Help out. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 As far as I've seen, most people here believe that the SAHP should try to keep up with the housekeeping. If they can't, they should be talking nicely to the working person about getting a housekeeper or asking for help, not making snarky remarks. If you believe that is appropriate behaviour from your spouse, well, that's on you, I guess. Don't turn it into a gender thing; some of us believe that isn't appropriate behaviour from a SAHP of ANY gender. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 I call BS...that has not been my experience here. Additionally, she brought it up to him. She was seeking support for something he couldn't really support her in, and in fact she was probably being passive aggressive about it, really wanting to call his housekeeping into question. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Then perhaps you might want to consider that different people have had different experiences, and that unless you have read all of the threads on LS since the beginning of time, both viewpoints might be valid. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Yes...I think we BOTH might want to consider that. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Last I checked, I have not called BS on your experience, simply remarked that it does not apply to some of us on this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Actually you kinda did. You said MOST initially, not SOME. Big difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 I clearly stated 'as far as I've seen, most people'. Stating my own experience does not correlate to calling BS on someone else's, as you are doing. Regardless, you clearly have a chip on your shoulder about this, so I'll leave our discussion on semantics before we derail the OP's thread too much. Have a nice day. Link to post Share on other sites
Harlequin_Dog Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 If I'm reading the OP correctly- she's not the one complaining about a slightly less than pin-neat house. It's her H complaining to her. And if I followed correctly- OP works, cooks, cleans and does a considerable amount of work already. H seems to watch over the baby and very few other tasks. I don't think it's out of line to ask H to step his game up if he's not ok with the neatness level. Really- it sounds like OP works more than they should have to already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 I did not ask him a loaded question, I made a statement: "so this means I am not a good house-keeper". In my post, I am essentially agreeing that my house-keeping is not what it used to be, but he is the stay at home parent. If our roles were reversed, I'm sure I would have been expected to take care of the baby 24/7, the cooking, the cleaning, etc - basically what he and I now do put together. So for him to say that I "don't clean because" I "don't want to", that sometimes I have "free time", is what baffles and frustrates me - keeping in mind that he is free to do as he wishes, from the time I get home (6:00-7:00 PM) until 3:00-4:00 AM when he goes to sleep. He watches her when I cannot physically be with her (hold her/watch her) - when I am cooking, washing dishes, or taking a bath obviously. You are not answering my post to give me support and advice, you are answering my post looking for an argument. What you are saying does not help me, but thank you for contributing. Why is your H up and alone, free to do what he wants from 6 p.m to 3 or 4 am? Why is your baby up until 1 a.m.? I'm confused. These are late hours for a family and for a baby, especially. Link to post Share on other sites
sabre80 Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 He doesn't always have to be holding the baby. He can set her down somewhere close, and take an hour to wipe down things, vacuum, whatever else needs to be done. No kidding Treasa. First thing I did with my kids when they could crawl was to soak their onesies in simple green (its organic and non toxic) and let them crawl around the tile. Teach them minions young! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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