Taking Breaks?

[Jamie]

Hey Tony,

 

I have read quite a lot of your replies to the messages that people post. I realised that you often say that people who love and care about each other don't need to take breaks from each other.

 

I'm exactly having this problem. My boyfriend refuses to communicate with me on the phone, but I don't know what's the problem. He was irritated with me for not talking, as in not having anything to talk about. It's like I just called to say hi, then keep quiet. We have been together for 2 years, I'm really confused. He told me online that he could not put it in words how he felt. Obviously it did not sound good to me. He told me we will talk some other day, as he was tired and would just end up yelling at me. We have not spoken on the phone for 2 days? What do you think I should do?

[Tony T]

It sounds like he may be need a bit of stimulation in this relationship...more varied activities, more active and stimulating conversation...just wants some variation and changes to what he may feel is becomming a bit stale to him.

 

Many younger people need constant and new experiences to stay interested in anything. That is what many cultures enstill in young people these days. If you go to a grocery store, you will see even in the soap powder section, consumers seem to want new and improved stuff all the time in order to keep buy the same brand. It's just something we haven't even realized we have been brainwashed into.

 

Before you call your guy, sit and make a written outline of things to talk about. You know him well, so you know the kinds of things he likes to discuss. Read the newspapers, look on the Internet. Start being intellectually challenging to him. The outline will help you keep the conversation moving on if there is a lag. He apparently doesn't like you to call and say only hello. He wants more there. Perhaps you should also initially ask him if he's busy...and if he is you should call another time.

 

Start reading your local newspaper for concerts, art shows, Christmas functions, etc...anything you think your guy might like to do and suggest those to him.

 

Initially, relationships can usually fly along quite well with only the chemicals of passion, etc. Those fireworks are great and the anticipation of seeing this person each time is just overwhelming. But when that phase wears off, you better have other things there to keep it moving along or you are in big trouble. That's when you find out whether you're with the right person or not.

 

After two years, your relationship...like any business...has got to evolve, change, improve, etc. for it to stay interesting. You, on the other hand, are probably more low key, more mature, and you don't need all this same constant change and stimulation.

 

There is also the possiblity that other kinds of things are going on in his life that are creating pressure for him. You would know how he reacts to things like that...problems involving money, family, work, school, etc.

 

It's not a good sign that he won't talk to you on the telephone. It's also not a good sign that he was afraid if he did talk he would start yelling at you. You don't really need that.

 

You have to look into yourself and decide if you want to expend the energy to recharge your relationship and get it moving again or if you would prefer to find someone who is more happy and contented with himself and less apt to need others to create his happiness.

 

I don't think you should attempt to call him, contact him, or talk to him online right now. Just plain go dark. Block him from your buddy list if you have AOL. Sign onto the Internet in a different way so he doesn't know you're online. When he gets ready, he will call you. At that time, just listen to him and what his gripes are, be cool, understanding, and respond in a civil manner, no matter how much he may yell. (If he does yell, let him know you won't put up with that treatment and ask him to call you back when he can talk to you in a more civil fashion) If you yell back, you become just as immature as him.

 

If after listening to his gripes you think you can do something to remedy the situation, let him know you are willing. If not...well, you know what to do.

[Jamie]

Tony,

 

I agree I should be patient and wait for him to call. But I feel horrible waiting, because I'm not sure if he would call me. Maybe this anticipation is not really very positive. I jump at calls, hoping that it would be him, but of couse, they are all not.

 

What if he don't call? I guess you would tell me to forget him and move on. Actually I would really want to find out more about things we can do together. I think it would be a great help.

 

Thanks, I feel better after reading your reply.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "But I feel horrible waiting, because I'm not sure if he would call me."

 

The fact that you aren't sure if he'll call you says a lot. If you think this guy thinks so little of you that he may not call, you may need to look elsewhere for a guy you feel more secure with.

[sparkle]

is not really very positive. I jump at calls, hoping that it would be him, but of couse, they are all not.

The saying goes something like "A watched pot never boils".

 

If you keep sitting around at home, waiting for his calls, it will make you more and more depressed.

 

Go out with your girl friends. Have a girls' night out. Dress up nice and go out with them. Go to the movies, go shopping, out to dinner, or wherever. I don't know where you live, but you could also go out in the evening and take a stroll through your town or downtown in the city, and enjoy the conversations you strike up with anyone you meet.

 

This will take your mind off him for at least a little while, if not the whole time. And when he does call, you'll also have lots to talk about...what movie you watched, something great you ate, something cool you bought, something interesting you saw out on the road...whatever you did.

 

He may be bored sitting there on the phone with you, with nothing to talk about. He may think he's losing interest. But when he notices that you can have fun on your own, without him, I'm betting that he'll become even more interested in you.

[Deejette]

I don't think your bf is treating you in a very loving way. He is keeping you waiting while he figures out what he wants to say to you. He is acting like the puppeteer and you are the puppet waiting for him to pull your string so you will know what to do.

 

Take Sparkle's advice and forget about the waiting by the phone game. That is a horrible position that a lot of women get themselves into: Waiting for the guy to call. So finally, they get impatient and call him. Maybe they catch him when he is in a bad mood and really get hurt. At any rate, they put him on the spot, because the call wasn't his idea.

 

It is best to let him act like a man and come to you with an explanation for his behavior. If not, then it is the finger of fate pushing you to move on, because he's not really that nice a guy to put you through this.

The saying goes something like "A watched pot never boils". If you keep sitting around at home, waiting for his calls, it will make you more and more depressed. Go out with your girl friends. Have a girls' night out. Dress up nice and go out with them. Go to the movies, go shopping, out to dinner, or wherever. I don't know where you live, but you could also go out in the evening and take a stroll through your town or downtown in the city, and enjoy the conversations you strike up with anyone you meet. This will take your mind off him for at least a little while, if not the whole time. And when he does call, you'll also have lots to talk about...what movie you watched, something great you ate, something cool you bought, something interesting you saw out on the road...whatever you did. He may be bored sitting there on the phone with you, with nothing to talk about. He may think he's losing interest. But when he notices that you can have fun on your own, without him, I'm betting that he'll become even more interested in you.