Heart breaking love

[Goodbye]

I am deeply in love with a married man. I found this forum when searching how to cope with being the other woman. I am relieved to have somewhere to write this.

 

I met this man when I was a 19 year old college student. I am now 45, and in the final stages of a lengthy divorce. Many years ago, I fell deeply in love with this mm (then single), we had a lovely relationship which eventually ended due to our youth and issues with distance. Both of us carried this love in our hearts as we went about our lives and grew separately.

 

I married in my late 20's, had 3 children. After many years of trying to make a very difficult marriage work, I filed for divorce. That was 3 years ago. One and a half years ago I decided to take a chance and look up my ex-love. He responded to my email and told me he was married, happily, with a young son. I respected his marriage and kept our emails on a friendship level. This lasted only a short while before he started to become more and more engaging and close, recalling our loving times from the past. I became more and more confused and eventually confided in him that my feelings had shifted and that I needed some space to manage my feelings so that I could be his friend. I did so and shortly after he contacted me stating that his wife had fallen out of love with him, and despite his best efforts, she was not interested in resolving things. I suppose this was the green light I'd subconsciously been waiting for, because the nature of our relationship quickly changed into an emotional affair which turned physical last June.

 

Last June we reunited for the first time in 20 plus years. Things were immediately passionate and loving. We spent several wonderful days together. He told me he wanted to marry me, fix what we'd let slip away before. He told me he would move to the east coast and that his divorce would be fairly simple, as far as divorces with children go.

 

We have continued this love filled romance with promises of marriage over the past several months (10 months). We've met up in various cities. Because I am essentially single, this hasn't been a problem for me. For him, he has kept the truth of his whereabouts from his wife and family. It has been painful to hear him make up stories for his wife about where he really is, what he is really doing while he is with me. I understood this initially, and put up with it because I felt that I had created this bind for him, and that revealing the honest situation to his wife would take time.

 

I've tried to set him free to fix his side of things many times. I hurt terribly being away from him and generally cave and go back. On occasion I become so hurt and frustrated with the situation, I threaten to tell his wife myself. The position of being the OW of a MM who claims I am the love of his life can be TOO hard and I become enraged. He claims, of course, that in his loveless marriage they do not share a bed or any intimacy. I try VERY hard to believe this...but I cannot always.

 

Before our most recent visit, he confessed to me that he'd lied about his wife falling out of love. He says he did this to spare my own feelings...so that I wouldn't blame our relationship for the demise of his marriage. His new account of things is that she has knows the relationship is in a bad place but is committed to working on things for the sake of their son.

 

Today I had enough. I hurt beyond description. He is with his family for the easter weekend. I asked him to call me last night and of course he was too busy with them to do so. I can't call him since he lives with his wife. At 45, this is just too degrading. I love him like no other. He will always have my heart and that kills me. I told him today that HE should do the right thing and break up with me so that I could grieve and move on. Of course he doesn't...he promises that he loves me forever and that when he "fixes" his end, he will come for me.

 

How do I contain these overwhelming emotions? How do I move on? I've lived for the past year longing for him, waiting by the phone for his calls, getting up in the middle of the night to read his emails. I hold out little hope. While I feel it was all so real, I can't help but think without me he will just ease back into the routine of his mediocre marriage and learn to live with it again. Meanwhile, I'm single, lost, raw and hurting. Any ideas on how to cope with, fix or figure out this situation would be greatly appreciated.

[Blondie1]

Your relationship with this man has already failed once. Its not working for you now.

 

Love that is worth having does not make you hurt day in and day out. It enriches your life, expands it rather than constricts it down to hours by the telephone yearning for calls that dont come.

 

If he really loved you in the way you deserve to be loved he would resolve his situation and have an honest relationship with you. Tell him that is your requirement and then walk away and concentrate on building your own life into what you want it to be regardless of how you feel. One foot in front of the other, faking it until you make it if necessary.

 

Blondie

[Minnie09]

Sorry you're hurting and I am going to be brief: you fell for him because you were lonely and he gave you some attention.....whirlwind romance and all......BUT: he's lied to you, about his wife and plans and intentions. Not cool. He mislead you and now he blames it on you? he had to lie because he did not want YOU to feel guilty about him and his W breaking up? WTF. What a dishonest jerk. And another red flag, just saying: he wants to move away, to the east coast, in order to be with you? What about his "young son"? Did that not raise a huge red flag? He would leave his kid? If he did, I wouldn't want him anyways. But that's just me.

[Goodbye]

Sorry you're hurting and I am going to be brief: you fell for him because you were lonely and he gave you some attention.....whirlwind romance and all......BUT: he's lied to you, about his wife and plans and intentions. Not cool. He mislead you and now he blames it on you? he had to lie because he did not want YOU to feel guilty about him and his W breaking up? WTF. What a dishonest jerk. And another red flag, just saying: he wants to move away, to the east coast, in order to be with you? What about his "young son"? Did that not raise a huge red flag? He would leave his kid? If he did, I wouldn't want him anyways. But that's just me.

 

 

He had an elaborate plan about how his wife would transfer to the east coast then they'd divorce and therefore he'd not have to be away from his son. No, he doesn't want to live far from his son.

[Blondie1]

He had an elaborate plan about how his wife would transfer to the east coast then they'd divorce and therefore he'd not have to be away from his son. No, he doesn't want to live far from his son.

 

 

Wow......talk about manipulative!!!

 

 

Blondie

[Goodbye]

yes, true. Sucks.

[Goodbye]

You inserted yourself into this man's marriage for your own selfish reasons. I am not a BW, and my harsh response is not coming from personal betrayal. It's an unbiased honest opinion.

 

I often empathize with young OW that are relentlessly pursued by a MM, believe his lies and end up heartbroken. But you.... you seek out a content & happy married guy, offer yourself up to get used, and then throw a pity party for yourself. Seriously, what did you think would happen here?

 

He was living his life, happily married, until you sought him out. Instead of accepting he was happily married and leaving him alone, you nurtured a "friendship" with him. His family didn't matter to you at all, only your own neediness, your own desires. Being divorced and "vulnerable" is not an excuse.

 

Your MM is an opportunist. He did not seek out an OW, you offered yourself to him on a silver platter. You didn't take his "happy marriage" comment as a reason to back off, you took it as a challenge. You kept up the contact and got him thinking, curious, excited. He knew you'd be easy, had poor boundaries, and decided to go for it. Telling you his wife fell out of love was a manipulation tactic to push you over the line. It worked, because like you said, all you needed was a green light.

 

I seriously doubt this man ever considered leaving his wife and family for you. You were just a convenient distraction that fell in his lap. I'm not saying he is not at fault. He is a cheater and did not protect his marriage.

 

 

 

No, you can't stand to think that without your input, he might actually go back to being happily married again.

 

Please go see a counselor. You need to work through the end of your marriage and figure out who you are and where you want to go from here. Focus on yourself, your children and leave MM to deal with his family. You were apart for many years and survived, he was even happily married. He will be OK without you, you will be fine without him.

 

 

Well then. Thanks for your opinion?

[Minnie09]

Counseling is definitely in order, if not a must. Why did you get D 3 years ago, OP? What happened there?

 

While I agree that she shows no respect to the MM's M, I have to say that it's not really her job, either. Yeah she looked him up online, yah she started e-mailing, but hey....he's the one who took the bait. He's M and has a kid. She's D and bored. So who's to blame here? After being D for a few years and a single parent with a lot of stress at work and at home and little time for dating, trust me, I totally understand where she's coming from. Would I put myself in that situation? Probably not, but that doesn't mean I'm a saint and can't understand how she feels and what she's motivated by. It's not that hard to figure it out. Have some compassion. With him, though, I have none. See, OP probably doesn't even know his wife, so what does she owe her? Who's she cheating on? Other than cheating herself which she's already paying for BIG time, she's not the one harming anyone, playing with feelings, manipulating people into moving states (seriously???) etc. yeah, op, after you heard that one, you should've run for the hills, but I'm with you, I'm with you, and I know where you're coming from......next time though.....make better choices. If you want an R-better choices please! You're old enough to know better.

[Goodbye]

Counseling is definitely in order, if not a must. Why did you get D 3 years ago, OP? What happened there?

 

While I agree that she shows no respect to the MM's M, I have to say that it's not really her job, either. Yeah she looked him up online, yah she started e-mailing, but hey....he's the one who took the bait. He's M and has a kid. She's D and bored. So who's to blame here? After being D for a few years and a single parent with a lot of stress at work and at home and little time for dating, trust me, I totally understand where she's coming from. Would I put myself in that situation? Probably not, but that doesn't mean I'm a saint and can't understand how she feels and what she's motivated by. It's not that hard to figure it out. Have some compassion. With him, though, I have none. See, OP probably doesn't even know his wife, so what does she owe her? Who's she cheating on? Other than cheating herself which she's already paying for BIG time, she's not the one harming anyone, playing with feelings, manipulating people into moving states (seriously???) etc. yeah, op, after you heard that one, you should've run for the hills, but I'm with you, I'm with you, and I know where you're coming from......next time though.....make better choices. If you want an R-better choices please! You're old enough to know better.

 

 

My marriage failed for many reasons. Mainly, we were too different...very different cultures, family expectations. We tried. I ended up focusing all of my energy on the kids, his focus was on his career. He strayed, not the cause of the end, but a symptom of the emptiness that existed in the marriage.

[Goodbye]

The best advice you get is the advice you don't want to hear.

 

Are you looking for reaffirmation? Pop Psychology?

 

 

Nope, neither. Thanked her for her opinion. Posted my story here because it is a section of the board for "support and discussion for those who find themselves in relationships with a committed partner." That's all. I am well aware many or most opinions aren't going to support the relationship in which I've been. Such is the nature of adulterous relationships. Still, having a place to discuss it, put it out there is good.

[Goodbye]

I'm trying.

[whichwayisup]

You knew going in he was married so you took a chance. this is usually how affairs go. You assumed or hoped he'd give up it all up for you, start a new life with you. The thing is, he's happy enough with it just being an A. He isn't looking to start over and be with you. If you want him in your life, then enjoy being the OW and don't put him first. Live YOUR life while he lives his.

 

Or totally end it and never look back. Grieve the loss and let go.

 

An A less than a year old vs his long marriage. He ain't leaving.

 

Sorry.

[Mrs.Dee]

From what she is telling, I also think it sounds like it is the MM that is the real jerk in the story and not her. And if he lied to her about his relationship with his own wife just to make it easier to cross the line for her ( + probably is lying to his wife), I think it is pretty obvious that he is lying to OW now about his intentions to be with her as well.

And if it breaks her heart, and she does not want to be heartbroken, she must try to walk away.

 

Sometimes I get the impression some people view men as small children not able to control their own behavior when it come to women, and that it is mainly the OW that is to blame if they cheat.

I see men as adults that are totally capable of controlling their own behavior and that it is the MM ( because he has obligations to his wife) and not the OW that is mostly to blame in an affair.

[Summer Breeze]

From what she is telling, I also think it sounds like it is the MM that is the real jerk in the story and not her. And if he lied to her about his relationship with his own wife just to make it easier to cross the line for her ( + probably is lying to his wife), I think it is pretty obvious that he is lying to OW now about his intentions to be with her as well.

And if it breaks her heart, and she does not want to be heartbroken, she must try to walk away.

 

Sometimes I get the impression some people view men as small children not able to control their own behavior when it come to women, and that it is mainly the OW that is to blame if they cheat.

I see men as adults that are totally capable of controlling their own behavior and that it is the MM ( because he has obligations to his wife) and not the OW that is mostly to blame in an affair.

 

 

If I could combine this post with QSs post I'd be happy. I think QS had it dead on that you were exploring and then pushing to have an R with this guy even when you knew what his situation was. Then he got all excited that you were knocking on the door and started being the jerk he is. That's where MDs post comes in. You may have started it but he should never had let it go and he had a trillion moments he could have ended it by saying no.

 

No matter the origins your hurt is real. You had the loneliness after your D, filled it with chasing up MM, kept it filled waiting by the phone and waiting for emails, and now the loneliness you originally faced is coupled with the rejection of someone you probably thought you could have. And the loneliness grows.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling all of this. I agree he's not going to leave his M and that you'll hopefully grow and learn from this. Get some professional help. Figure out who you are and who you want to be. Fill your time. Be the most important person in your life (besides your kids of course). Look at your situation as if it were a friend going through it -- listen to your advice to her and then put it into play.

 

Post here. Re-read your posts. Share your little victories with us because you'll see that pretty soon the little victories add up to a whole lot of steps forward.

[Goodbye]

Summer, you are right about dealing with the aftermath of a protracted divorce now coupled with the heartache of this impossible relationship.

 

I will get through it. I need to learn to be okay alone.

[Summer Breeze]

Summer, you are right about dealing with the aftermath of a protracted divorce now coupled with the heartache of this impossible relationship.

 

I will get through it. I need to learn to be okay alone.

 

And you will be GB. You will get through this. Find your support systems and lean on them. Journal. Talk to any friends you can trust. Read in here and help other OW who are coming just as you are now. Lots of times I see a few joining at about the same time and really help each other along. I've become friends with a few outside this forum and they're all doing great.

 

You will be fine evenually. It'll hurt for sure but you will be fine.

 

xoxoxo

[Goodbye]

Made it 24 hours with NC. Received 4 calls and 2 emails, to which I did not respond. I'm sure there will be new sadness when his attempts at contact cease. But it is all for the best. I need to keep myself distracted and/or remind myself that he is home in his fake marriage celebrating fake easter.

[Summer Breeze]

Made it 24 hours with NC. Received 4 calls and 2 emails, to which I did not respond. I'm sure there will be new sadness when his attempts at contact cease. But it is all for the best. I need to keep myself distracted and/or remind myself that he is home in his fake marriage celebrating fake easter.

 

I kind of agree with what Pierre said. I think NC is almost 'easier' with a dday. It's really tough to leave something you feel still has some merit and do it by choice.

 

With that said I'm really proud of what you're doing and well done for 24 hours. I walked away from dMM when things were at their best and it was a battle to not cave at times. I did it though and you can too.

 

Good girl for getting past 24 hours. If you do slip then you figure out what you were feeling and why you slipped and then you start all over again.

 

Like I said before every little victory adds up in your steps away from him.

 

You go!

[Goodbye]

Ok, looked in list of abbreviations, but still do not know exactly what d-day is. I can certainly guess...but could someone clarify? Thanks.

[Summer Breeze]

Ok, looked in list of abbreviations, but still do not know exactly what d-day is. I can certainly guess...but could someone clarify? Thanks.

 

Discovery Day. Whether someone tells his BS or she finally has enough to confront him. It's painful for everyone but more for the BS than anyone. The WS/MM normally is blindsided and the first reaction is like that of a child -- lie and see if you can get away with it. It's a shocking time for everyone and odds are the OW will be minimized and villified. Whatever it takes to get the job done by the WS/MM. That's often called throwing them under the bus. Not every WS/MM will do this. Some will be completely honest and up front.

 

That's why NC is easier after a dday. It can be a very easy point where to end the R. Most Ds don't happen without some event and most As won't end without one. This is the big event that can possibly cause either.

 

Hope that explains it.

[Goodbye]

Well, I'm still inclined not to out him. I know my "promise" probably makes no sense given that covert relationships entail dishonesty by nature. I guess I feel like it was partly my fault, and if they move on together, that is fine as long as I don't know about it. I wish I could be one of those people who actually felt happy knowing someone else had peace, but I guess I have bitterness after being told so many times he wanted ME, he just needed to figure out how to leave his wife, etc. etc. etc.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

With no d-day it's almost an impossibility. My husband also had an affair (after mine) and his gal shows up at his place of business (she used to work there) and when I was on a trip with my girlfriends in January she must have known I wold be gone because she called him that day and showed up the next day. He finally revealed this to me just a week or so ago. I asked how many times she had shown up and he admitted a few times he past year - always an excuse to drop off clothes or something.

 

There has been no nuclear exposure like there was in my situation because her husband does not know but I am waiting for another week and then going to confront him because he demanded this of me but yet he is continually triggered by this woman showing up. He is afraid I am sure of the damage that could be done to his reputation if it blows, but my point is unless there is a d-day contact is likely to continue.

 

It's just too hard...

 

But good for you so far! I hope you are strong enough to keep it up!

[WakingUp]

If you don't want to out him, then don't. Just because other people think you should, doesn't mean that its the right thing for you.

 

Don't think that you are keeping it quiet out of some sense of misguided loyalty though, because he has shown no loyalty to anyone.

 

But get out of the affair. Otherwise discovery day will slam you right in the face when you least expect it and have no control over it.