Telling the Wife

[Goodbye]

I promised my married man that I would not tell his wife. On various occasions, I felt so betrayed I threatened to do so, but have not and will not. Still, I wonder how many of you revealed to the betrayed spouse the nature of your relationship with his/her partner? How did you do it and what were the consequences? Was it cathartic or just tormenting? How many of you had MM who promised they were GOING TO TELL their wives, but just kept putting it off and off and off stating it was for the "well being" of the child(ren)?

[Goodbye]

I believe you should tell the wife. If you were the wife. Would you want to know?

 

Your relationship will never go anywhere so this will be a very good way to end the whole thing and go your own way.

 

 

Yes, I agree with you. Still, I made him a promise, and somehow I feel obligated to keep it. And as the other poster pointed out...I was part of they dynamic. I will not tell her, I just wanted to hear what others have done. And yes, I hear what you are saying. I learned, during my divorce, through my H's deposition, that he'd been having an affair with the mom of one of my daughters best friends...nice.

[MissBee]

I imagine the only reason you would want to tell is if you're done with him and feel badly about the A and want the wife to know.

 

However, if you're just angry or if you think somehow it will force him to be kicked out and be with you, then it will only make you feel tormented when this person despises you. If however you're done anyway, then that doesn't matter.

 

But when you think of it, the whole thing seems childish, where a relationship is built on I won't tell if you don't, but if you make me mad or if you don't do what you said you would, I'll tell on you.

 

Are you done with the relationship?

[2sunny]

Instead learn more about letting go of all your anger.

 

Anger at your exH - anger at your xMM - anger at yourself.

 

You have had CHOICES of how YOU participate - and YOU'VE CHOSEN to hurt others (more anger).

 

Get professional help to work through that anger to the other side.

[2sunny]

Promising to lie and cover up says a lot about your lack of integrity.

 

Why would you hand him (and the lies) all your power?

[Goodbye]

Instead learn more about letting go of all your anger.

 

Anger at your exH - anger at your xMM - anger at yourself.

 

You have had CHOICES of how YOU participate - and YOU'VE CHOSEN to hurt others (more anger).

 

Get professional help to work through that anger to the other side.

 

 

Yes, I am trying to manage my anger and keep it in the proper place. I'm not sure hurting the W will get rid of any of my anger...I just need time to move on.

[Goodbye]

If you tell there will be an explosive d-day. The MM will likely throw you under the bus giving you the confirmation that he was up to no good. This will allow you to move on and never look back.

 

If you don't tell you will live with hope for the next ten years and then you will realize you threw away the best ten years of your life when you were still a young woman. MM will keep you on the hook and you will not be able to date SG at all. You will be in limbo.

 

If you tell and they divorce and if the MM does not throw you under the bus there is a small chance for you.

 

 

Telling is a win win situation for you.

 

Telling will also make you feel better about yourself. I suspect your self esteem is in the toilet right now.

 

My esteem is absolutely in the toilet. How will telling make me feel better though? Because it will decimate any civility and that will enable me to move on? Serious question...

[2sunny]

Yes, I am trying to manage my anger and keep it in the proper place. I'm not sure hurting the W will get rid of any of my anger...I just need time to move on.

 

"Managing anger" - is absolutely different than letting go of anger!

 

What are you mad at YOURSELF for?

[2sunny]

I would venture a guess..........allowing herself to be played for a fool. BTDT

 

And agreeing to be used and abused by men...and then being so sweet and nice to offer to lie and cover up for his bad behavior.

 

He's used you! And YOU ALLOWED him to use you!

 

Be mad - so mad that you get honest about the woman you've become!

 

Then change that woman! Start doing things with honesty and integrity that make yourself proud of who you are!

[Goodbye]

I would venture a guess..........allowing herself to be played for a fool. BTDT

 

 

Indeed. And for putting myself into the #(&) situation which has only created hurt .

[Goodbye]

Hmmm, so now you want to act like he is the only bad guy?

 

But you are the one messing with him!

And im shore you are on the loser side. Cause often the wife will

get mad at you and keep him.

 

Stop messing with peoples husband!

Problem solve

 

Ok. Will do. But what does your statement have to do with the question?

[wisernow]

I would venture a guess..........allowing herself to be played for a fool. BTDT

 

And "allowing" is the key word.

[KathyM]

Telling her would be the decent thing to do. Coming clean and apologizing to her would be cathartic to you and help you to move on with your life and put this whole sordid part of your life in the past. The BS may or may not kick him out if she finds out about the affair. If your goal is to end up with the MM and him having left his wife, no one can predict what the outcome will be if the affair is disclosed. But until someone tells her, the situation will continue on as it has been with no change. You can be sure the WS is not going to tell her, and if he claims to have done so, you would be a fool to believe him. You would have no way of verifying if the BS was told the truth, unless you talk to her yourself.

[Goodbye]

Thank you Kathy M. I don't pretend to hope that disclosing the truth to his wife will result in him being with me. I suspect the whole thing would implode, frankly. I did have a friend point out that the wife is likely in denial and would like to remain there. Since I have ended MY half of the relationship, is it my place to divulge the truth about her H to her? I don't know.

[KathyM]

Thank you Kathy M. I don't pretend to hope that disclosing the truth to his wife will result in him being with me. I suspect the whole thing would implode, frankly. I did have a friend point out that the wife is likely in denial and would like to remain there. Since I have ended MY half of the relationship, is it my place to divulge the truth about her H to her? I don't know.

Well, it's good that you ended it with the MM. That's good to hear. I think it IS your place to inform the wife of what her husband has been up to. She does deserve to know the truth, and her husband is very unlikely to inform her of it. Now that you've set yourself free from this bastard, do the BS a little favor and set her free from him as well. The guy doesn't deserve any woman.

[wisernow]

You said in your other thread that you think about telling his wife because you become so enraged. The quickest way to end this affair is to tell his wife. The mm will dump you like yesterday's news, and scramble to fix his marriage. He's not leaving his wife, has told you as much. So, please, tell the wife. I think you think that by doing this, she will kick his ass out and he will come running to you. Give it a whirl, who knows, you might be right, but I doubt it. You my dear, are allowing yourself to be played. He is where he wants to be, and he gives you just enough to keep you quiet and waiting. I doubt a happily ever after is in your future with this loser.

[whichwayisup]

I did have a friend point out that the wife is likely in denial and would like to remain there. Since I have ended MY half of the relationship, is it my place to divulge the truth about her H to her? I don't know.

 

Did you tell your H truth of your affair? is that why your marriage ended? Or did you just end your marriage, in hopes that MM would end his?

 

That 'friend', a mutual friend of yours and MM and his wife? Either way, nobody can predict or assume his wife's reaction. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors in their marriage or their daily dynamic.

[who_am_i]

I promised my married man that I would not tell his wife. On various occasions, I felt so betrayed I threatened to do so, but have not and will not. Still, I wonder how many of you revealed to the betrayed spouse the nature of your relationship with his/her partner? How did you do it and what were the consequences? Was it cathartic or just tormenting? How many of you had MM who promised they were GOING TO TELL their wives, but just kept putting it off and off and off stating it was for the "well being" of the child(ren)?

 

I told her and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself...

 

I'm not exactly sure what I thought was going to happen. He had made her out to seem like such a cold hearted b****, I guess I assumed she'd leave him. As far as I'm aware she hasn't, though something tells me that I'm not going to be his first phone call when and if she does.

 

I can understand your desire to tell her. I was very emotional and made the decision out of desperation. In the heat of that moment I had convinced myself I was doing all three of us a favor. I never thought past that to the sh** storm that I was unleashing on his wife and kids that they didn't deserve. I love(d) him so much that I never once considered what it was going to feel like to know he hated me and was never ever going to want to see me or speak to me again...I wish I had, because I live that pain now.

 

I know you're probably mad and maybe even a little bitter that it's over and he seems to be all cozy with his family like no big deal while you're hurting. But, I can assure you that you will never feel worse then when he drops you forever and runs to put out that fire if you're really not 100% ready to see him go for good.

 

I don't think it matters if you tell her because you think you're doing her a favor or you tell her because you're feeling pretty selfish, like I was. The result will be the same. People who didn't do anything to deserve it will be in pain. Not to mention that after all the wonderful time we spent together I will always wonder if he thinks...I wish I never knew her.

 

The guilt is my punishment (those poor children!) & I'd take it all back in a minute if I could.

[thefooloftheyear]

I told her and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself...

 

I'm not exactly sure what I thought was going to happen. He had made her out to seem like such a cold hearted b****, I guess I assumed she'd leave him. As far as I'm aware she hasn't, though something tells me that I'm not going to be his first phone call when and if she does.

 

I can understand your desire to tell her. I was very emotional and made the decision out of desperation. In the heat of that moment I had convinced myself I was doing all three of us a favor. I never thought past that to the sh** storm that I was unleashing on his wife and kids that they didn't deserve. I love(d) him so much that I never once considered what it was going to feel like to know he hated me and was never ever going to want to see me or speak to me again...I wish I had, because I live that pain now.

 

I know you're probably mad and maybe even a little bitter that it's over and he seems to be all cozy with his family like no big deal while you're hurting. But, I can assure you that you will never feel worse then when he drops you forever and runs to put out that fire if you're really not 100% ready to see him go for good.

 

I don't think it matters if you tell her because you think you're doing her a favor or you tell her because you're feeling pretty selfish, like I was. The result will be the same. People who didn't do anything to deserve it will be in pain. Not to mention that after all the wonderful time we spent together I will always wonder if he thinks...I wish I never knew her.

 

The guilt is my punishment (those poor children!) & I'd take it all back in a minute if I could.

 

 

 

Very well said and I agree....

 

If the MM/MW never lied to you about their situation then why does someone feel the need to blow the whistle?To cause undue pain to innocent people? It seems vindictive.

 

My .02

 

TFOY

[KathyM]

I told her and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself...

 

I'm not exactly sure what I thought was going to happen. He had made her out to seem like such a cold hearted b****, I guess I assumed she'd leave him. As far as I'm aware she hasn't, though something tells me that I'm not going to be his first phone call when and if she does.

 

I can understand your desire to tell her. I was very emotional and made the decision out of desperation. In the heat of that moment I had convinced myself I was doing all three of us a favor. I never thought past that to the sh** storm that I was unleashing on his wife and kids that they didn't deserve. I love(d) him so much that I never once considered what it was going to feel like to know he hated me and was never ever going to want to see me or speak to me again...I wish I had, because I live that pain now.

 

I know you're probably mad and maybe even a little bitter that it's over and he seems to be all cozy with his family like no big deal while you're hurting. But, I can assure you that you will never feel worse then when he drops you forever and runs to put out that fire if you're really not 100% ready to see him go for good.

 

I don't think it matters if you tell her because you think you're doing her a favor or you tell her because you're feeling pretty selfish, like I was. The result will be the same. People who didn't do anything to deserve it will be in pain. Not to mention that after all the wonderful time we spent together I will always wonder if he thinks...I wish I never knew her.

 

The guilt is my punishment (those poor children!) & I'd take it all back in a minute if I could.

The wife and kids didn't deserve honesty? They didn't deserve the truth? You think it's more humanitarian to the wife to have the truth kept from her and she be forced to live a lie in a fake marriage the rest of her life? Which is more hurtful: telling the truth to a wife about her husband's affair, or denying her the truth, thereby manipulating her into staying in a marriage that is a sham and taking away her opportunity to find happiness with someone she can actually trust? Believe me, she wants the truth. No one wants to live a lie and have their choices about their own life taken away from them by others.

[WakingUp]

Well, in my case I told her. I told her and apologised.

 

For four years she had been asking him and trying to catch him and he lied to her face. In the end it sounded as though he was destroying her. And despite what he told me, he was never going to come clean.

 

I really felt bad for her. I did it for several reasons, I believed she had every right to know what was happening. I know that he will be denying and minimising and trying to fix things. Well he was never going to work on his marriage while he was with me and he was also never going to leave, so I told him many times that if he was staying then he should be working on making his M a happy place. I also knew he would not let me go without this. I tried NC probably 15 times and it would never work.

 

So, at least now we have closure. He is gone from me, he is not coming back, she knows the truth and they can sort out their stuff. I am finally free of all the pain and drama and my life feels like it has opened up again.

 

In my situation it has been a very positive thing. I was finally ready to let it all go, but you really have to sure you are ready and that is not easy.

 

Trust your gut instinct on things. Listen very carefully to that little voice that you don't like to hear. And do not react out of pain or drama... think long and hard before you do anything. And then do it decisively.

[WakingUp]

Before anyone jumps on me, I need to add that this is a man in his early 50s, children in their 20s. I am late 40s and single with teenagers.

 

He has had multiple affairs in the past and she knew about most of them.

 

In fact he has cheated for half of their 30 year marriage.

 

So I don't believe I am homewrecking. I really do think she needs to know he is still at it, and he will think twice before he seeks out his next affair.

 

Every situation is different. If it was his first affair, and the children were young I don't know what I would have done, to be honest. Probably nothing.

 

And this is my first, and last affair.

[whichwayisup]

So I don't believe I am homewrecking. I really do think she needs to know he is still at it, and he will think twice before he seeks out his next affair.

But that isn't up to you to decide his fate or what he does/doesn't do. Maybe she knew of his other A's, maybe she just doesn't care, maybe she has someone on the side as well and their dynamic works.. Who knows..

 

I know you mean well, but on some level, you didn't give her any thought whatsoever when you chose to have an A with him. It always seems that once an A is over or if an OW finds out that there was another OW other than herself, then the need to tell his wife comes into play.

 

Glad that he's out of your life and you've moved on though!

[WakingUp]

But that isn't up to you to decide his fate or what he does/doesn't do. Maybe she knew of his other A's, maybe she just doesn't care, maybe she has someone on the side as well and their dynamic works.. Who knows..

 

I know you mean well, but on some level, you didn't give her any thought whatsoever when you chose to have an A with him. It always seems that once an A is over or if an OW finds out that there was another OW other than herself, then the need to tell his wife comes into play.

 

Glad that he's out of your life and you've moved on though!

 

 

Yes I realise that. But I also know that she does care, and the dynamic doesn't work for them.

 

And no I didn't give her much thought when it started. But that changed and I am a better person for it. And I have known about his other affairs for years, they only illustrate his character as far as I am concerned.

 

And I ended it, I did it, I own it, I have tried to do the right thing.

[krazikat]

Thank you Kathy M. I don't pretend to hope that disclosing the truth to his wife will result in him being with me. I suspect the whole thing would implode, frankly. I did have a friend point out that the wife is likely in denial and would like to remain there. Since I have ended MY half of the relationship, is it my place to divulge the truth about her H to her? I don't know.

 

I am a bs. I would like to know the truth of my husband. As a bs, I would not blame tow, and likely IF TOW had been the one to tell me honestly of the A then I would have thanked her. In my situation, I answered a call from ow on my wh cell phone while he was sleeping, and she was extremely disrespectful to me, so I told her all about herself, after I asked if she was really being one of those women, to knowingly sleep with mm and then have the nerve to disrespect the bs, which she laughed and said "thats right, bi+#h!" SMH.

 

Finding out your h has been lying and cheating is effing hard. It damn near sucks the breath right out of you. She could say crazy things to you, but she has a right to know. I have a friend who got HIV from her ltr who was out sleeping around. She was 100% faithful. She needs to know so she can make an informed decision. She may think, like I did, that all is good in her marriage. I didnt have my head in the sand, I was just so focused on family and career, and my schedule opened up the opportunity for my wh to carry on a lta.

 

And even tho the ap and I had very ugly words, we have apologized to each other for those words.