sunshine63 Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 Don't tell her. Don't do it. It will drive your self-esteem further into the ground! You have been used by this man and you wont win anything by telling his wife. I am not judging - I have been in your shoes. When the dust settles and you are able to think again you will most likely feel like crap for being the messenger in all of this. The best thing you can do is go no contact immediately! No explications no apologizes, just a very brief note ending it and demanding no contact and stick to it. It will be one of the hardest things ever but when you get to the other side, it is amazing! My affair is hands down the biggest regret of my life. We both got out in one piece, but it was misery and I had no idea how much I had come to loath myself. I hated the woman I had become. Once I got out of it and stopped the insanity, I realized how much of my life I wasted waiting from crumbs from him. I am better than that, I deserve more than that and so do you! Walk away, ...no run away fast! Let him worry about mopping up any messes he made on his home front. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 Yes I realise that. But I also know that she does care, and the dynamic doesn't work for them. And no I didn't give her much thought when it started. But that changed and I am a better person for it. And I have known about his other affairs for years, they only illustrate his character as far as I am concerned. And I ended it, I did it, I own it, I have tried to do the right thing. Imho you did right by telling her. As a BS myself, I wish I would have known sooner. Even tho having the a with him at all was not right, you tried to rectify. It sounds like you realized it was not right, and you came clean. While I can't understand why a woman would have a relationship with a married man, I understand it happens. Some of these men and women are so good at deceit, and are often playing both to their advantage. But they are liers in many of these A situations and the dynamic is not in the benefit of either the BS or the AP, but only for the Ws. The Ws was in love with their spouse. They were in love enough to marry them. There is a love story to that relationship...passion, intimacy, a connection. Maybe they experienced tough times in the marriage, in any long relationship there are bound to be challenges. There may be marriages that happen for the wrong reasons where the love story doesn't exist, but the op shouldn't discount that history. Yes, he says he loves you. Yes, he is feeling passion he has not felt...in a long time at least, maybe? Cheating is a weak way to avoid the marriage problems. Or perhaps the ws is a serial cheater. Whatever it is, the BS has a right to know what is going on. Granted, she may keep him. That's her choice, but at least it is an informed choice. I decided to stay with my cheating spouse...but did so with my eyes wide open. Like I said in another post, a good friend of mine got HIV FROM HER CHEATING BOYFRIEND. SHE HAD BEEN WITH HIM, FAITHFUL TO HIM FOR YEARS. THEY WERE PLANNING A WEDDING. HE GAVE HER HIV FROM HIS CHEATING. There is more at risk then hurt feelings. More at risk than a simple sts...while disgusting, clap or bugs is nothing compared to HIV. For this reason, I think every person in an alleged dedicated relationship should know if the person they are dedicated to is not keeping the cookies in one house, so to speak. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 I'm curious as to how long you have been in your relationship with mm. I don't think you should be the one to tell his wife, you owe her nothing. Unless you know the bs, its up to him to man up and tell his wife. A year and a half ago I decided I wanted more so instead of threating to tell his wife I said I wanted to end things. He decided that he would come clean and tell his wife all about our 6 years together. So she insisted he never see me again, well as far as the blame game goes she blames me. I beleive he needs to man up, I don't think we should have to do the dirty work for our married men. I think he will hate you if you tell. If your done just walk away, if he continues to pursue you then you should tell. he needs to respect your no contact wish, trust me some don't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
who_am_i Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 The wife and kids didn't deserve honesty? They didn't deserve the truth? You think it's more humanitarian to the wife to have the truth kept from her and she be forced to live a lie in a fake marriage the rest of her life? Which is more hurtful: telling the truth to a wife about her husband's affair, or denying her the truth, thereby manipulating her into staying in a marriage that is a sham and taking away her opportunity to find happiness with someone she can actually trust? Believe me, she wants the truth. No one wants to live a lie and have their choices about their own life taken away from them by others. Kathy...I told her, remember? I thought that she should know and I thought that it was going to benefit all three of us over time. But my situation...the way it all played out in the end...is regretful. The OP asked if anyone had told the BS...I just answered as honestly as I possibly could. Link to post Share on other sites
who_am_i Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 While I can't understand why a woman would have a relationship with a married man, I understand it happens. Some of these men and women are so good at deceit, and are often playing both to their advantage. But they are liers in many of these A situations and the dynamic is not in the benefit of either the BS or the AP, but only for the Ws. My xMM once told me..."I'm so good at this I should work for the FBI". Hell would have frozen over before he told her on his own. His arrogance was incredible! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 I have not read of one BS on here who has said she would prefer not to know. And there are very few WS who will own what they have done. It is just not in their nature. (of course there are exceptions). And in my case, it has only been four days, but I am walking taller, sleeping better, breathing deeper and I am calmer and happier. I can think clearly again. And all the times I tried NC it was painful, and never final. He always got me back in again. I have literally laid on the floor sobbing so many times - good grief that is no way to live. Its over and I am so glad of that. My self esteem is improved because I believe I have finally shown some integrity. My self respect is on its way back. I am owning it and whilst I am ashamed of what was in the past, it is not in my future. But, as I always say, every situation is different. You must do what you think is right, not what others tell you. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 I'm curious as to how long you have been in your relationship with mm. I don't think you should be the one to tell his wife, you owe her nothing. Unless you know the bs, its up to him to man up and tell his wife. A year and a half ago I decided I wanted more so instead of threating to tell his wife I said I wanted to end things. He decided that he would come clean and tell his wife all about our 6 years together. So she insisted he never see me again, well as far as the blame game goes she blames me. I beleive he needs to man up, I don't think we should have to do the dirty work for our married men. I think he will hate you if you tell. If your done just walk away, if he continues to pursue you then you should tell. he needs to respect your no contact wish, trust me some don't. Yes, this is pretty much where I am. I've made my threats. I know if he discloses our affair he will sugar coat it and act like he was trying to help me and I confused things...blah, blah. I did promise him I wouldn't contact her...and as messed up as that sounds, my word is my word. All I can do is walk away. If he pesters me while still married, I do feel I can call his wife and tell her the real deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 I have not read of one BS on here who has said she would prefer not to know. And there are very few WS who will own what they have done. It is just not in their nature. (of course there are exceptions). And in my case, it has only been four days, but I am walking taller, sleeping better, breathing deeper and I am calmer and happier. I can think clearly again. And all the times I tried NC it was painful, and never final. He always got me back in again. I have literally laid on the floor sobbing so many times - good grief that is no way to live. Its over and I am so glad of that. My self esteem is improved because I believe I have finally shown some integrity. My self respect is on its way back. I am owning it and whilst I am ashamed of what was in the past, it is not in my future. But, as I always say, every situation is different. You must do what you think is right, not what others tell you. You disclosed to the wife 4 days ago? Do you mind telling me how/what you did and how it came about? Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 Goodbye, Hey there! Been tagging along on your thread here and finally have a comment. lol* Why don't you write out a letter to MM's W. I created a thread a while back and have read it has been therapeutic. You don't have to write one on that thread or even on LS, but getting ALL of it out of your head and on paper then reading it out loud to yourself, you may see something you didn't before. You may choose to add to it, edit it, Send it or Not send it. The point would be, what would you write & what would you read once written. Maybe something you hadn't noticed about yourself, MM or the A that you hadn't before* Remember, your better is best and your best is Blessed! * 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 Thanks so much. Will do so. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 Kathy...I told her, remember? I thought that she should know and I thought that it was going to benefit all three of us over time. But my situation...the way it all played out in the end...is regretful. The OP asked if anyone had told the BS...I just answered as honestly as I possibly could. Yes, you did answer that you told the BS the truth, but then you went on to say that you regretted telling her, and that telling her caused her so much damage. I am pointing out that it is far more damaging to her to be kept in the dark about her own life and having her choices about her own life taken away from her, and being manipulated into staying in a fake marriage, thereby depriving her of the opportunity to find someone she can trust to spend her life with. You gave her the truth, and that is what the vast majority of BSs want. Very few people would prefer to be living in a lie or a sham of a marriage without their knowledge or consent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 Still, I wonder how many of you revealed to the betrayed spouse the nature of your relationship with his/her partner? How did you do it and what were the consequences? Was it cathartic or just tormenting? I'm a believer in evidence over hearsay, so I sent all the cards and love letters from/to MW to her H. At that point, there were about eight years worth. I don't know if 'cathartic' was the right description but it did put an exclamation point on 'done'. Upon meeting her around 14 years later, then divorced, it appeared that action did have an impact and, according to her, she still had them. Unknown if true. All water under the bridge now. The days of wine, roses and affairs are over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 I'm a believer in evidence over hearsay, so I sent all the cards and love letters from/to MW to her H. At that point, there were about eight years worth. I don't know if 'cathartic' was the right description but it did put an exclamation point on 'done'. Upon meeting her around 14 years later, then divorced, it appeared that action did have an impact and, according to her, she still had them. Unknown if true. All water under the bridge now. The days of wine, roses and affairs are over. During one of my last "melt downs" I threatened to send his wife our emails, notes and photos. I didn't. I don't know who that really helps? I guess if you decide to tell the spouse and he/she acts with disbelief...but maybe if they are in denial it is a coping mechanism that works for them? Some people really embrace the whole "ignorance is bliss" notion. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Goodbye, Most BS's can fayne ignorance to a certain point, until emails, photos texts etc are presented. At that point, any sort of denial continuing would either be shock, the current inability to cope or simple delusion... I'd like to think that as painful as learning of the A and betrayal, the evidence allows the BS to make supported and substantiated decisions going forward. I was both destroyed by being told nd seeing the A communications And empowered by it. * 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 Idle threats of telling his W make you not believable... Especially in his eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted April 1, 2013 Author Share Posted April 1, 2013 Well, depending on your situation, you're probably not the first to tell her. What do you mean by this? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) During one of my last "melt downs" I threatened to send his wife our emails, notes and photos. I didn't. I don't know who that really helps? I guess if you decide to tell the spouse and he/she acts with disbelief...but maybe if they are in denial it is a coping mechanism that works for them? Some people really embrace the whole "ignorance is bliss" notion. In my situation, my XMM's wife (the first D-Day) discovered an email written to me by him where he admitted he was falling in love with me. Unbeknownst to us, she had been reading our emails, which were pretty inocuous up to that point, for a year and a half. So, she had already seen what he could write. Then he wrote me several letters during the affair, which I kept. After the second D-Day, I showed them to some of my close friends and my husband to explain where I was operating from because I am certain he was lying to save his a$$ about my being the predator. Some of them saw his letters as manipulative (trying to get me to stay in the relationship and not tell my husband). You have to understand his wife already knew about the affair and didn't want us to tell my husband or anyone so we continued to hang out, have dinners, act normally, etc. We tried to keep it platonic, but of course didn't. Anyway, she wanted to see the letters, so she contact me and I sent them to her. In the end, it didn't really matter because he was so good at telling each of us what we wanted to hear (and I believe he was as honest as he could be during that time - loving us both in the affair fog) that he was able to explain away what he wrote I'm sure. So it didn't really matter that she saw them. I'm sure it hurt to read what he wrote to me, but in the end it didn't cause her to throw hiim out. In your case, if she doesn't know, it's proof of the affair. Hope that helps. Edited April 1, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong Link to post Share on other sites
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