OwlSoul Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 I'm explaining what I am doing in order to get back with my ex. It might fail, it might not. Also explaining what is working and what is not. Will keep the topic updated. Background So welp, we have been broken up for about 2 months now. It was incredibly hurting in the first place, but some kind of gut feeling told me, that he'll be back. In the middle of the BU he came back regretting, we started seeing each other (not as gf&bf since we decided to take it slowly). Soon I started feeling insecure, noticed him distancing away. 'What's up?' 'I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I guess I need some space' 'OKay...' The healing process Obviously it hurt, but not as much as in the first time, since I knew what was going on inbetween us. I've been reading some popular psychology books, which helped me realize that I am not really compatible with him emotionally. The issue is in that I used to focus all my life priorities on a relationship. As a result it caused me fearing of BU; stopping doing what I was doing before the relationship, starting getting interested only by the things which interested my bf (effect of an echo); not really standing my ground; getting too manipulative and etc. So, instead of begging and logically convincing him to keep going, I started sorting my life and getting back to what I enjoyed. Jym, art, the uni, got in touch with my old friends, meanwhile remaining LC with the ex. LC is a fail idea I think LC got its negative and positive sides. Negative as in I would keep getting jeleaous and checking fb constantly. Which is not exactly you must do when you're trying to get control of your life. Meanwhile, it also was helping me to learn to control myself when I was around him. To date or not to date? I do not really want to see other people. It is nearly impossible for me to accept back someone who was dating around after the BU. Fairly, same rules are applied towards me as well. Although I was flirting a lot with different people. In my point of view, it's not really helping. 40 days later Generally, things were moving in a more positive way. This tension between us weakened, although it was still a bit awkward. He even started showing some signals of being interested again. At some point I got worried again. It is a very bad idea to start a conversation when you have some weird gut feeling. 'Heya, I wonder what are you feeling towards me?' 'Well, I know I still love you. But I'm afraid I guess. I guess I still need some space. But feeling rather positive now' '...' This was deffinetely 2 steps back, although instead of 'I don't know what I'm feeling' he changed to 'I still love you'. As a result, it made me feel a bit worse and him more guilty. 2 months later Go back in time I moved to my family's house for about 20 days. Honestly, seeing old friends, getting occupied with temporary work, starting exercising more and etc. just lifted me back to the person I was before. It is an inner feeling you have, when there are so many triggers reminding you what you are. I dislike this dude At this point I started convincing myself to get focused on what I enjoy and benefits me. And generally teach myself to dislike, getting indifferent towards him. Sounds quite strange for a person who wants to get back with the ex, but I do believe it works. This is why: Hatred is not opposite to love, but indifference is. Love is caused by the loss of control over your feelings or the partner. For instance, some dumpees feel more and more in love, when they feel they are losing the control over the relationship. And vice versa, more control the dumper gains, less love he/she feels. Change something in yourself radically If you'll be the same person that you were before, you both will get into the old patterns of behaviour. Such stuff could be: 1. Your social status. Getting new/better job or getting involved to some social activities such as voluntering, creating new interest community and etc. 2. Making your interest as the main focus. Whenever you're enjoying (something healthy ofc, no alchohol or drugs, sorry), occupy yourself with it as it was your new relationship. 3. Change the way you look. By change I do not mean some moderate shopping and haircut, it means starting looking better at least 2-3 times better than you used to. I decided to focus on the 2ns and the 3rd, since they're the easiest ones to change atm. Nowadays Basically, I started thinking of him less. Became more organized and self-confident and cheereful. There is a huge progress over the way I look. Unfortunately, I did not do so much over focusing my emotions on something else, rather than the relationship. The changes are tough to make in the beginning, but as the time goes you're speeding up in your progress. There are 2 books I'd recommend to read to anyone who is trying to move on: I. 'The passion trap' it is not one of those shallow guides of how2geturexb, it explaines why the relationships have their ups and downs, why do we feel less love or more and etc. There are a lot of people asking 'Why did it happen?'. Reading this book really brings a lot of piece to the mind. II. 'No ordinary moments' this one is rather about getting in touch with yourself. There are a lot of practiced and exercises associated with meditations, general well-being, health, mental health and etc. I would also recommend to watch movie 'The peaceful warrior' before reading it. His behaviour We're going to hang out as soon as I will return. He also started showing more and more interest in me exspressed in web stalking my activity, talking more to me, wanting to spend some more time together and joking/flirting. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 (edited) Started working over a little comics about BU, NC and other stuff. Hope, this could teach and entertain at the same time. I. http://i.imgur.com/R4L0cS3.jpg II. http://i.imgur.com/M9OWp2j.jpg Edited March 30, 2013 by OwlSoul 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted March 31, 2013 Author Share Posted March 31, 2013 I went to NC yesterday. The gut feeling was saying to me it is the best to do now, to gather myself up and get ready for the future meeting. It's quite tough in terms of not knowing what he is doing. -.- Keeping drawing the comics. III. http://i.imgur.com/d7ysoCI.jpg IV. http://i.imgur.com/9t7eRc6.jpg 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 They're really very good.... Couple of typos... want me to point them out.....? Fine drawing skills, I like them! Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted March 31, 2013 Author Share Posted March 31, 2013 They're really very good.... Couple of typos... want me to point them out.....? I would really appreciate it Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 http://i.imgur.com/M9OWp2j.jpg First frame: 'Hulk' not 'Halk'. Third frame: 'surfing' not 'serfing'. http://i.imgur.com/d7ysoCI.jpg First frame: 'in a company of the people' reads better as 'in the company of people' http://i.imgur.com/9t7eRc6.jpg first frame: 'threw you away' not 'through away' Third frame: 'initiate' is spelled incorrectly. Third frame 'straight away' not 'straightaway'. But I really like it. You should add them to the No Contact thread!! (if you do, be sure to point out they're your work, not mine or Caliguy's..... ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted April 1, 2013 Author Share Posted April 1, 2013 Thank you a lot I'll place them in the topic once I'll have 10 strips. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted April 1, 2013 Author Share Posted April 1, 2013 It's starnge how so many couples, who were doing well, break out of nowhere. I mean, ofc, there is some changes which might affect it, work/school/halth and etc. Human-beings are really good at detecting the change in partner's behaviour. So, one of the partners start feeling insecure and etc. Arguements, blaming, unhappiness start appearing more and more. The other partner feels emotionally pushed away. I've been talking to my friend recently about it. He said that we should not confuse the desire and the true love. Basically, when you're feeling the love you go blind, you do not notice any changes in pertner's behaviour, you keep on going strong, happy, secure and self-confident. It doesn't matter whether he or she texted you less than last week. The main rule of a relationship: Do believe if your partner does not want to be with you, he/she will tell it. Untill this moment enjoy what you have. Don't be miserable, sad and etc. Your well-being should not be dependent on whether he/she kisses, hug, says I love you less than usual. If you feel you want to reach out, do it. But don't do it to get some kind of effect, reaction from the person. Like some people would start copying their soulmate's interest to make them love more. Or texting a lot, to get some kind of confirmation for that they are still in love with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 Okie, so I broke the NC yesterday. He was showing some positive signs. It's been like a month since he asked for a space. So I decided to ask him for his decision. He seems to be still not very sure, saying he was waiting for so long to be totally sure he wants to continue. Welp, as I still was standing my ground about knowing the answer (it was not an ultimatum shaped-question), he said he wants to continue. He wants to take it slow though, so do I. So here is the question bothering me: Where to go from this point? How is it better to act in order to make it work? It is a quite strange situation, since it is the dumpee reaching out the dumper and getting some positive reply. There were no real issues in the relationship, apart from the insecurities I started feeling. Probably, there was also an issue which lies upon him being more attractive at the time of the BU, more social and etc. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Okie, so I broke the NC yesterday. He was showing some positive signs. It's been like a month since he asked for a space. So I decided to ask him for his decision. He seems to be still not very sure, saying he was waiting for so long to be totally sure he wants to continue. Welp, as I still was standing my ground about knowing the answer (it was not an ultimatum shaped-question), he said he wants to continue. He wants to take it slow though, so do I. So here is the question bothering me: Where to go from this point? How is it better to act in order to make it work? No. It's better for you to go No Contact again, and if he is so set on 'taking it slow'.... let him make the first move. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING - !??! You've basically simply taken yourself off the Board of Progress, and put yourself BACK to exactly where you were a month ago! You haven't changed a thing - you've merely handed him control, and now you're left hanging... wondering.... Aren't you? I mean, really - is anything any more resolved and concrete now, than it was then? It is a quite strange situation, since it is the dumpee reaching out the dumper and getting some positive reply. Really?? What's positive about 'taking it slow' and putting you back into a state of wondering and confusion? All you've done is regress and leave him on the upper step! HE was the one controlling this - you regained control of yourself by implementing NC - and now - basically, you've just wiped all that out again! WHY did you not listen to the good advice in the No Contact Guide?? More importantly - WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE NOTICE OF YOUR OWN ADVICE IN THE DRAWING STRIPS - ??!? Wall + head + bang repeatedly..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 Tara My drawings are rather about the experience, than a guide. My personal belief is that NC is to heal up and get yourself back. I am not hurt, got myself in control, working on resolving the confidence problems. I am in a better position than a month before, since my life is getting more and more balanced. If I used to think about him all the time and force myself to not to do it. Nowadays I naturally think of the stuff related to the coming day, creativity, my job and etc. He is not the one sitting in my mind once I wake up in the morning. Nothing can be guaranteed in relationships. There are so many people who were saying that the partner would say 'I love you' one day and BU with you right next morning. Yes, I wonder what will happen, but I'm not losing my sleep because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 2 weeks since I posted in the topic last time. I've been scratching the sketches in my diary, hopefully I'll make it digital soon. So, about the progress. I returned back just a day ago, but have my university deadlines going and gotta visit my cousin from another city at the weekends. So the meeting will happen next week. Welp, the interest from his side is kind of growing. We're not as much as before the BU, but close to it. For instance, he'd never message me in sms before for no reason, even when we were in a relationship. Nowadays he is initiating contacts and talking about nothing. Just to talk... He's been expressing that he wants us to work and we'll have something similar what we had before. A lot of little details are being noticed. It's looking more positive now really. Slowly erasing the awkward feeling left after the break-up. Got my self-esteem back (I got involved to a social activity, basically being a leader), feeling greater than before (I'm not feeling hurt or worried, got to the point when I'm ready to let go), looking much much much better as well (was working out/swimming/jogging for 3 hours a day and a healthy diet, changed my wardrobe). I guess this is having its input on me and balancing back my relationship now. We will see I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
hinatticus Posted April 17, 2013 Share Posted April 17, 2013 The thing I believe about second chances is that both people need time to seriously look at themselves. People need to change in order for a second chance to work otherwise the relationship will probably break again. That's my personal experience anyway. I've had ex's come back but neither of us changed. The relationship failed again. This time around I decided to look at myself and really work on myself and study what makes relationships work. My ex is in the process of fixing her own issues. We are both going to couples counseling soon as well. I really hope your ex has taken some time to reflect on his own issues(we all have issues). Also, I hope you've taken the time to reflect on your part of the break up and made the necessary changes. Good luck, and stay positive. It may be a long road. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted April 18, 2013 Author Share Posted April 18, 2013 People need to change in order for a second chance to work otherwise the relationship will probably break again. I personally think that the dumpee should change most, since the dumpee is the least desired person (neediness, insecurity, social status, physical one). I really hope your ex has taken some time to reflect on his own issues The thing is he really does not know what exactly what is bothering him (or doesn't tell me). He blamed his fear that we won't work because my family dislikes him, we're from different social classes and countries (living in his one since studying there), different nationalities and etc. But a month later he was sure it doesn't matter for him anymore and that if we will want to we can work over anything. Also, I hope you've taken the time to reflect on your part of the break up and made the necessary changes. Guess my biggest problem was the way how I look. This caused a lot of insecurities. After 2 months of 2-3 hour daily trainings I got more fit and confident. Also, trying to figure out what are the relationship dynamic and human psychology, so I would stop over-reacting and feeling the fear he'll leave again. Good luck, and stay positive. It may be a long road. Yup. Today got some more positive changes in the progress. We live in 3 hours from each other, so we used to use Skype. We'd even fall asleep during the call and talk to each other all the time we'd be online. Started doing this again. Link to post Share on other sites
hinatticus Posted April 18, 2013 Share Posted April 18, 2013 Good luck owlsoul;) Fear is a total killer. Remember it's one thing to know that fear is affecting. It is another thing to actually practice removing those fears. Be strong and know that you are great. We're all great. You've spent your whole life developing your insecurities and fears, you will spend a lot of time removing them. You have to basically reprogram your brain. It is scientifically possible, you just have to want it. It seems like you guys are on a good path. Hope everything works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted April 24, 2013 Author Share Posted April 24, 2013 Wooh, so far it's been going good. Meeting him today. Was worried before that I'll feel nervous, but thankfully I do not and feel pretty positive. Communication is getting better (like talking for 4-5 hours everyday), as well the way I handle everything. Learning to keep mself under control and act in the way it benefits me most. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted April 24, 2013 Author Share Posted April 24, 2013 We've spent whole day together. So far it looks good. I did not behave ideally, but it was much better than before (I'd get really worried over him texting to his friends). We had a short talk about the relationship as well. He said: 1) He feels it's going good and etc. 2) The old strange gut feeling which made him break up with me is no more. 3) However he is kind of afraid of it coming back if we would rush into the relationship (it happened 4 weeks after the BU, when we tried our first attempt to reconcile). By rushing I mean getting really intense - living together, spending days with each other while having issues hanged. 4) He is not still sure what caused the weird gut feeling. We're going to meet next week (I'm having tons of work to do this week, quite busy). From the talk we had it should be decided whether we're back in couple of weeks. P.S. Looks like my new look aroused him a lot: he kept touching me and kissing me all the time. Yeah, I know a lot of people would say that I should of play myself cool, but personally I dislike mind games and prefer to act in an natural way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted May 9, 2013 Author Share Posted May 9, 2013 2 weeks since the last post. We're kind of dating now. Seeing each other, talking everyday, videochatting, hugs, passionate kisses and etc., but no sex so far Going to spend few days next week together. Maybe go out to another town as well. One of his divorced parents is marrying again, so he invited me to the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
ViciousCycle Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 Thanks for all of your updates. It is really good for me to see your perspective and what you've learned. How are you feeling about all of this with him? Do you feel the "spark" is back? It seems like you went all in and didn't play it cool like most suggest..what made you do that? Link to post Share on other sites
swiftly333 Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 OwlSoul I would like to know more about the books/resources that have helped you out. I am trying to do something similar for myself. I've been going to therapy an am attending a workshop to help deal with my anxiety & depression as suggested by my therapist (which I've always struggled with, but is currently worse given the stress and making it hard to make good decisions a I work through my current breakup/trying to reconcile....or whatever it is I'm doing). I am really making a very active effort to deal with the things within myself that made my ability to be in a relationship difficult, not just for the purpose of getting my ex back, but so that I can be a better person fir myself and for any and all future relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted May 9, 2013 Author Share Posted May 9, 2013 (edited) It seems like you went all in and didn't play it cool like most suggest..what made you do that? M, I tried to play it cool back in March, when he tried to return back. I was simply feeling differently and it made me look even worse to fake my fear. Our brains are constructed in a way we can differ the lie and know what other person thinks. Especially, it is easy for someone who had/has deep emotional connection to us. So, yeah, better to act sad if you are sad, than trying to be unnaturally happy. On the other hand, people are right about being confident thing... Therefore, it's better to take your time and work over the issues which make you feel insecure. Then go and act naturally confident. How are you feeling about all of this with him? Do you feel the "spark" is back? I'm feeling good This is actually a good question. I never really thought about it really. Well, I guess it's just a deep feeling of love rather than a feeling of a sparking love. I love it this way, since the strong and crazy feeling makes everything look cool and dandy, but once you guys face a problem... it contrasts that feeling so much that the problems seems to be a disaster. I would like to know more about the books/resources that have helped you out. RECOMMEND: 1. [book] PASION TRAP: WHERE IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOING? Absolute must have for everyone. It explains relationship dynamics related to break-ups: main reasons why were we dumped out of blue, what is the dumper's point of view and etc. I think, I was able to heal so fast just because of this book. I was suffering not knowing 'what was wrong?', but once I got answers, I got peace in my mind. 2. [movie+book] PEACEFUL WARRIOR by Dean Millman. It is a fictional book&movie. Great author, who is encouraging us to take our daily routine and any troubles as an opportunity to learn and develop. I hate when people say 'Ooooh, do not change yourself. You're good as you are'. Actually, we are not perfect untill we won't be affected by our own mind games, which make us feel bad and miserable. Constant happiness is the natural state of a human. but we do not feel it because of our own mind which decides that we should feel bad in certain cases. 3. [book]NO ORDINARY MOMENTS. Same author. It explains the philosophy of the author in a deeper level and explains techniques and proper life style to reach out the happiness and self-confidence. 4. [book]Practical Intuition in Love by Laura Day. I'm a believer of intuition. Her book helps out with reaching out your inner I, subconcious, instincsts and handle everything better in a relationship. 5. Series from BBC about human instincts are strongly recommended. I consider love/sex mainly ruled by our instinct of reproduction. Otherwise we'd be able to convice our exes to stay with us by using logical arguements. Some books I also read: 1. MEN ARE FROM MARS AND WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. Well, I do not recommend reading this book, since it is idolizing the gender stereotypes. Yes, it relates to the biological differences of the genders and it could be helpful for you being able to handle insecurities caused by your partner's behaviour, but that's all. When it comes to a relationship, there is no men or women. 2. HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. This book kind of left two different feelings. It destroys illusions and excuses women make for men, but at the same time it does not explain the motives of the men who act like that. I'd recommend to read it to anyone who is suffering in a relationship/not getting enough emotionally and etc. Or just to laugh. 3. THE MAGIC OF MAKING LOVE. I downloaded it somewhere. It relates to what a dumpee should do, but it is very shallow. Even if the methods of getting back will work at the first time, you're most likely to fail eventually, since you have to solid base and hard work prior to the reconcilation. 4. [lots of videos about break-ups] Do not even watch them really, they're good in the first couple of days after the BU to kind of calm your mind, but that's it. 5. HOW TO CREATE CHEMISTRY WITH ANYONE. I'm still reading it. I just like how it approaches the attraction from the point of view of biology. Btw, a little tip, You might not realize it, but when you chose the music you listen tom your subconcious communicates you the situation through the songs. For instance, just before the break-up I was lkistening a lot of Adele's songs. Was even singing 'Nevermind i'll find someone like you' when my ex and I were cooking some steakes in his kitchen. And just before he said he wants to be back I started listening to some getting back songs like Lawson - Learn to love again, P!nk - Jut give me a reason and etc. Edited May 9, 2013 by OwlSoul Link to post Share on other sites
swiftly333 Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 I just downloaded Passion Trap on my kindle, and I'll start reading it today! I bet a lot of people on here would suggest I read He's Just not that Into You *sign* And I will check out the others. Thanks do much. I hope this helps me get my emotions straightened out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted May 14, 2013 Author Share Posted May 14, 2013 Going to say it's a bit hard to do the third chance. No, all is going good. But something common for every dumpee is bothering me. It is wanting MORE MORE MORE. 2 months ago I'd give everything for him to just start to dating me again. And now I want all his attention/affection/passion/time and etc. I notice he is kissing me and hugging me, touching me more passionately than he used to do when we were on our honeymoon phase. But... You kind of want more because you know the pain of the rejection from this person. It's a big bad destructive instinct, which makes you to behave clingy. It is the same instinct as any baby has - start crying, pleading, everything to make your mother to pay you attention. It works with a mother, since she has her mother's instinct. But alas! You partner is not suppose to feel like you're his/her kid and do not have such an instinct. Every time when you let this instinct take control over you, it ends up by a fight/your partner getting distanced and etc. So yeah, this is the biggest thing bothering me so far. Link to post Share on other sites
swiftly333 Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 Well, it's good he are aware enough to identify an understand your clingy feelings. Keep work in on building your self up and it should.continue to.get better. Thanks again for the book suggestion. I read He's Just Not That Into You an It's really kind helped smack some sense into me about music, until he contacted me on Sunday. Ugh. I've started Passion Trap, and though it's early on I'm really enjoying it. I like the authors stance, an how it isn't about blaming it on early attachment. Because .I agree, that doesn't really solve the issue. Anyways, I'm glad you told me about them. Hope things continue to go well. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author OwlSoul Posted May 14, 2013 Author Share Posted May 14, 2013 Well, it's good he are aware enough to identify an understand your clingy feelings. Keep work in on building your self up and it should.continue to.get better. Thank you I've started Passion Trap, and though it's early on I'm really enjoying it. I love the book mostly because he has a faith in love which never fades. It really motivates. I guess I'll also continue drawing the comic. I have a lot of sketches, just didn't scan them yet. Link to post Share on other sites
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