Wife want's a (temporary ?)separation, after 15 yrs.

[Lost In Canada]

New here, I'll try and make this as quick and short as I can,

 

After 15 yrs, my wife wants a "temporary" separation, Is there Such a thing?, and is there anyone who has gone though one and reconciled?

 

There are many issues, as to why our marrage has strained, financial (my main stress & trigger point), communication issues ( we do talk, I've always been a quiet person), as well as physical issues.

Although I have gone to counselling, and my wife goes still, there has never been a reason from her(J) to go to counselling together. I went to one of her sessions once and I don't think she liked it much for when ever there was an issue raised the counsellor heard my side ( I think anyways).

 

I admit I'm far from perfect as I do have personal problems, I'm very private and I DO NOT talk with anyone about my life, I even had a difficult time talking with counsellors. I can count on 1 hand the number of friends that I do have mostly from work, old friend have gone their own way as I have moved out of town to where I was then.My wife says that I have a "wall" up so high that she finds it hard to deal with., I don't think she tries hard enough, or I think that it's so high I don't see her trying. J says I use sex as a tool. I don't have a high drive, not sure if it's from the wall, stess or what ever, she says I do it purposely, but I asure you it's unintentional.

 

We both have good jobs with benifits, as I am under J's benifits, should I consider getting under my own a t work? J says that she still has me under her plan and won't change that, and I believe her, no reason not to. We have been faithfull to each other.

 

We are fixing up our house to put it on the market, so we can go our own ways, also we're at a point that we HAVE to sell as to correct financial problems ( never ending it seems).

 

I DO love my wife, but right now I'm not sure that "I'm in love with her", and I feel it's mutual. We do have a daughter (9 yrs old) she knows we are separating. My wife has told her family, my sister, and all her friends know, but I have not told a sole ( still numb), we live in a small town and I'm sure some people I know have been informed.

 

Do we need to make it legal? What happens next?

[Scott S]

Yes, there is such a thing, the term is "trial separation." In a nutshell, it's a break or time-out from the marriage/ love relationship, ostensibly to allow the partners to try to work on issues with themselves, each other, & the relarionship itself. The decision to end the marriage is supposed to be tabled for the time being.

 

Doing a Google search on the keywords "trial separation" will give you more information that you can digest, your therapist would be in a better position to determine whether such a thing is right for the two of you. I would strongly encourage you to get back into couples counseling.

 

Dr Bruce Fisher's "Rebuilding: When Your Relationahip Ends" has an apprendix with a discussion of what he called a "healing separation." I had read the book years ago when I was going thru my divorce.

 

Here's a link to an excerpt. The book goes into a lot more detail.

 

http://www.bibliotherapy.com/pressr...0Separation.htm

 

Do you need to make it legal? That's something you have to decide. One of the primary objectives of a trial separation is to provide the environment to resolve the problems in the relationship & prevent a divorce. So your question then is whether you wish to remain in this relationship & try to make the changes needed to do so.

 

Goo louck to youu both!

[SoleMate]

You two are definitely suffering, and have some problems, but it doesn't appear that separation/divorce is your best or only answer. Divorce is painful and expensive, and doesn't necessarily end the suffering. It may even increase it, especially since there is a child involved.

 

Please try http://www.marriagebuilders.com, and also read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis.

 

If I were you, and didn't want to lose my marriage, I would ask my spouse what she felt I needed to do to save this marriage and prevent separation. Then I would DO IT. I would use every ounce of persoanl strength and every resource I had to fulfill her needs, while at the same time lovingly expressing my needs so she had a chance to fulfill them.