Confession - I almost lost myself last night

[ajonesman]

Ok... I feel a need to share a page out of my journal. I almost did something last night... and it scared me.... here it is....

 

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I just came to a realization that I almost lost myself last night. I've been talking with this woman on the phone. Her name is Rose. I met her from adultfriendfinder.com. She is 28 and has 3 (or 4) kids. She is a very sexual person. She enjoys sex and is very experimental about it. In some of our talks have been very sexual in nature even though we have only talked one the phone. We set up a time to get-together last night. A date... dinner and a movie. I think it was pretty clear understanding that we would have had sex last night. I never did call or her pick her up. I and doubts about what I was about do do. I stood her up last night and haven't called her up since. Although I am not proud of the fact I stood her up... In fact it hurts me because I do not want to be like that. But worse is I almost went through with it. To meet someone I don't know just for sex. I do not believe there is even a chance for a relationship outside of the sex. I am not that kind of person... and I don't believe it would bode well for any future relationship I would ever have. I like sex.... I love it, its exciting, and in my life I've had amazing lovers. But with an exception of one I've had strong feeling with everyone, the possibility of a real relationship. And that one that I did not, was immediately after I broke up with Lori. I was hurt. I am hurt because that encounter with her was not about Love.... it was about replacing Lori. She was not the kind of person I would want to pursue a relationship normally and she had feeling for me. She also had a daughter. I'm embarrassed to say I don't even remember her daughters name. I am shamed. So what was I doing with rose. The same thing. Trying to fill the emptiness. In the end I would feel worse about myself because of the person I was being. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be that person. By doing so I would be without integrity... and isn't that what I already feel I lack. So I am ashamed of starting the relationship with Rose on the phone. And standing her up. But I am glad I did not cross that line with her. I almost lost myself last night. And what am I doing on AFF anyway? I'm going to cancel it. I want something real. Not bull **** not. I want to give myself to someone. I want to be ready if and when I have that opportunity. I want to make love to my lover, not just a **** buddy. Jesus - I'm scared.

 

I should be doing other things... But I just had this very emotional moment and I had to get it down... right now.

[Honesty]

You have not done anything bad yet, so don't feel bad. At least you stopped yourself before you actually went through with it because it seems that it would have really messed you up. Other men would have been up for it in a heartbeat; you are much too sensitive for that and believe me that's a plus for you. You should feel proud of yourself that you have good feelings! Maybe you were caught up in the moment, but at least you realized in time that you are not that type of person.

[cateinaus]

Give yourself some credit mate and stop being so hard on yourself. You realised what you were doing and put a stop to it. That's great. I dig people who live with integrity........good on you! A lot of guys would bonk anything with a heartbeat. You don't!