Silver_Lining Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Sorry LFH, dont understand your comment. It has nothing to do with being right. Peoples needs are what they are.....both H and W. Marriages dont work well unless both are fairly consistently meeting each others needs. To be happy they both have to find a way to break out of the cycle I described. Blondie Right in line with this way of thinking is that - As long as expectations on both sides are balanced, understood and communicated no matter the issue,. Things should be able to be worked through... It is the distance between the expectations that leave the gap of frustration. When that gap is very wide and communication breaks down or does not exist then frustration naturally leads to either expressed or silent resentment that only creates a greater divide between the two with an even larger magnified view of the failed expectation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FL Lady Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 I find it hard to believe there are so many women who dont like sex....i.e. it isnt there thing. I dont really know any women like this. I think its more likely in many cases that a woman may be disinclined toward sex with her H because hes hurt or disappointed her in ways that are unresolved. No man having an A with you is going to tell you that. If he hasnt been able to fix it, he may not even understand it. You really have no way of knowing if he was ever a good H or just someone who spends more time complaining about his own needs not being met than focusing on meeting the needs of his W. Blondie ^^^^THIS^^^^ I've been the cheating wife. Can pin point the year it started with his laziness towards our relationship. Like men, I've not left because he makes my life easy, find my intimacy elsewhere, & we just don't talk about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author who_am_i Posted March 31, 2013 Author Share Posted March 31, 2013 ^^^^THIS^^^^ I've been the cheating wife. Can pin point the year it started with his laziness towards our relationship. Like men, I've not left because he makes my life easy, find my intimacy elsewhere, & we just don't talk about it. And this brings me back to my original question... If your husband discovered your A, would you stay? Do you love him enough to stay with him, give up the OM, work on the relationship, and potentially go a lifetime without your needs being met? Link to post Share on other sites
FL Lady Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 ...and mine once said, "its cheaper to keep'er" Ha! In my case it's cheaper to keep him! Link to post Share on other sites
FL Lady Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 And this brings me back to my original question... If your husband discovered your A, would you stay? Do you love him enough to stay with him, give up the OM, work on the relationship, and potentially go a lifetime without your needs being met? Honestly - no. I wouldn't stay. I'm more like a man as a business executive for a Fortune 500. I wish he would opt to leave, but he actually loves me even though that ship has sailed for me. I'd never give up a life time without my needs being met. That's kinda extreme don't ya think? Actually - if I didn't seek outside physical intimacy, which is not hard to do, them i would be life time prisoner in this lonely marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FL Lady Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Being hurt or resentful doesnt mean you dont love the other person. Having an A doesnt mean you dont love the spouse. Most men who are having an A would far prefer to be happy and in love with the W they already have. And most women would prefer the same. They stick around because they have not given up on that possibility. Blondie Emphasis on "most" - not all. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 If your husband discovered your A, would you stay? Do you love him enough to stay with him, give up the OM, work on the relationship, and potentially go a lifetime without your needs being met? Genders reversed, I told my exW directly, and she was well aware of my history with the person before we married, though not in contact for many years prior, and had independent contact with the person post-disclosure. I was likely more incensed at another human being than I ever had been in life; someone I had given myself and my love to and who had abandoned me in a rare (for myself) time of dire need. I freely admitted the methods I used were wrong but I was determined to right what I saw as a gross injustice to the M by her. It took all of the positive role-modeling I had ever received, plus MC, to see the dynamic in any color other than red and there were many days that were 'crazy' days, not just from caregiving but from the 'red'. Life's gift is that all of that is behind. Death and divorce cleansed. Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 If more people would just sit down and talk to one another about what's important I'd say probably 90% of all relationship issues could be resolved. I agree with you there. Current guy has already proved he can talk a blue streak about what's bugging him - and so can I, so it naturally follows that neither one of us will be in the dark for long... I still think real classes before marriage would be so helpful. Not religious based ones, not ones that last a weekend or an hour or two 1 night a week for a couple weeks, but a month or semester or year or so of actual classes on how to communicate and various other topics would make marriages so much stronger and save so many people so much heartache. Communication classes, particularly. I had some training in communication before marriage, actually. EX-WH didn't and furthermore, was raised with alcoholics, so he had learned to be passive agressive in his family of origin. Would have been a red flag if I knew then what I know now. Still, 30 years isn't something to sneeze at - particularly the children we were when we married.... I think we did good - and I doubt he will get 30 years with his current, because it's doubtful he will live that long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 Do you really think that a sexless marriage means the relationship is over? I think it depends on how much you love someone and how important they are to you, and how the problem is treated. If the person being told they are not engaging in enough sex minimizes the problem and/or ignores it, they are telling you that your happiness is not important to them. If they are willing to try anything to overcome it, or tell you why it's not happening for them, that is evidence that you are loved. It also depends on what the problem is. I wouldn't leave someone who met all my other relationship needs strictly from not having sex. Also, sex is more than just copulating. Now if they refused to cuddle with me or help me get myself off and not at least participate, that's something else again. It is bonding at it's best, but there are ways to bond as a pair without actual penetration. This is what some tantric and other practices are about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
natty moppet Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 ^^^^THIS^^^^ I've been the cheating wife. Can pin point the year it started with his laziness towards our relationship. Like men, I've not left because he makes my life easy, find my intimacy elsewhere, & we just don't talk about it. I am considering becoming the FL Lady. I am in a problematic relationship and I have three young children. I love my husband, but he has done things to hurt me and continues to be 'checked out'. I have discussed the problems, begged, pleaded, threatened, etc. but nothing changes. He doesn't want a divorce either. I have no intention of leaving but have a strong desire to get my needs met (and get a little happiness) somewhere else. My 'friend' is in a similar situation. At times, I feel like I am headed off a cliff, but my marriage is a lonely one and I feel like I deserve a bit of fun once in a while. Link to post Share on other sites
TheOW Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 Not read all replies but this is my input. I loved my husband but I was not physically attracted to him anymore and this is where my problem began .. I cannot have sex with someone I'm not attracted to, maybe it's just me, maybe not. I loved him in every other way just not sexually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 During work with disabled people who could not have penetrative sex, or who were taking such strong medication that lack of sexual desire was a side effect, I saw many marriages and relationships not only survive but thrive without sex being a part of their lives. Intimacy is a whole different ball game, it is possible to be intimate without involving sexual activity. It takes a very loving, strong relationship to carry on without sex, but I think not many would without intimacy. Anyone can have sex with anyone, loving, caring and sharing intimate moments take feeling, sex not so much. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Finally Settled Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 LFH I've read similar stuff on other forums. I've rarely seen a man admit his W doesnt desire him because of anything he's done. But, without both parties their telling the full story theres no way to know. Theirs a lot of mysogeny in your response. If theres a communication problem in a M, both are not communicating clearly. Even if your communication is clear, if the other person doesnt want to hear what you have to say.........they wont hear it, understand or act on it. Blondie Then you say it louder and more often until they do hear it. I say that from personal experience of knowing there were issues in our marriage and allowing them to go unchecked. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Sex ranks up there as a basic need, in several categories actually, so to say it "isn't worth the trouble" is probably not very accurate for many people. Many do stay, but of those that do, many eventually stray. The sad part is that in most ofo those cases they due truly love their spouses, the need for touch and physical intimacy is just still there. Personally if I am committed to someone, I need all of it for it to be a full relatinoship to me. My xmm will go for the rest of his life without sex and intimacy so he can be the wonderful father to his children. :sick::sick: Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 My xmm will go for the rest of his life without sex and intimacy so he can be the wonderful father to his children. :sick::sick: He could always find another willing participant or just partake in one of the millions of prostitutes all over the net...Its not hard, really..... But of course, its wrong... It seems cruel if a partner loses interest in the other because they have gained a lot of weight, arent properly groomed or any of the other reasons. And if you say something, you either hurt their feelings or they become insecure.. Plus, you WANT your partner to do those things out of their own will, not because you are witholding sex from them or you have to complain about it. Then you are asking them to be someone that frankly they might not be comfortable being...Some might view this as superficial, but??? I hear the woman that cuts my hair constantly complaining about her husband being very overweight and unkept. She is super fit and very attractive. I saw him at the place once and I just couldnt envision the two of them having at it...But you never know. The fact that she is complaining about to me might be an indication of problems..?? Wish it was easy!! TFOY Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 He could always find another willing participant or just partake in one of the millions of prostitutes all over the net...Its not hard, really..... But of course, its wrong... It seems cruel if a partner loses interest in the other because they have gained a lot of weight, arent properly groomed or any of the other reasons. And if you say something, you either hurt their feelings or they become insecure.. Plus, you WANT your partner to do those things out of their own will, not because you are witholding sex from them or you have to complain about it. Then you are asking them to be someone that frankly they might not be comfortable being...Some might view this as superficial, but??? I hear the woman that cuts my hair constantly complaining about her husband being very overweight and unkept. She is super fit and very attractive. I saw him at the place once and I just couldnt envision the two of them having at it...But you never know. The fact that she is complaining about to me might be an indication of problems..?? Wish it was easy!! TFOY First off.....he is very good looking and works out 3 to 4 times a week. So he is not unkempt. Second.....he will have to someday find someone else just to relieve his manliness.. if you know what I mean. He is not into her...and she is not into him. They are co-parenting children...and that is the most important thing to him and her. Just feel sorry for them...they could have it all if they only worked on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 As someone whose spouse continued to have sex with me throughout his affair, I'm not sure....but I think intimacy is key, and a good knowledge of the differences between men and women, both biologically and emotionally. Men average 7 minutes, start to finish, and crave sex because it is biologically how they show love. Women average 21 minutes, start to finish, and need to be really emotionally primed to feel desirous. it is just how we are made biologically. Fulfill our emotional needs, and that varies from woman to woman, and most men will get laid as often as they would like, with lights on, et al. Children DO change things. They are meant to. Children deplete emotionally. If date night stops, frequent breaks provided, help with chores, RESPECT for parenting,. many a mother will have NOTHING left to hang desire onto. I am not defending anyone who grows complacent, unyielding, resentful or angry without communicating why. Or a woman who always refuses sex, or a man who thinks his day ends when the job is over and he reaches for the remote, rather than his wife. I'm just saying we need to understand these basic, fundamental differences between the sexes IF we intend to improve OUR relationships. We need to show more RESPECT to the ones we live with every day and not take them for granted. We need to compliment each other and display joy around each other, not just venting work or home related issues and then switching to automatic pilot zoning out in front of the tv. When my H put the same romantic and emotional investment into me, the same kindness and consideration as he did his OW; when he hung on my every word respectfully, suggested fun things to do and talk about, he got LAID two and three times a day. So, with that effort, and that amount of remorse, it became easy, over time, to say yes to reconciliation. very easy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 You shouldn't feel sorry for either of them...they have all they desire at this point and they have worked on what they have deemed necessary to work on....right? They haven't worked on anything.....He is still trying to contact me. I actually find it amusing. He has many desires at this point....... Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I was just reading another thread and, unless I understood it wrong, it was mentioned that the chances of a man staying in a sexless marriage are pretty slim. Do you really think that a sexless marriage means the relationship is over? My xMM used to tell me that he had a better chance of Santa coming down his chimney then getting his wife to agree to have sex with him...and I believed it though he still had no intentions in leaving her. Point is I think he still loved her...sex or no sex. I think that when he was faced with a decision to stay with her and not have sex or leave and have sex, he realized that his love for her exceeded his desire for sex. I have not read all the responses, but I want to say that I have a sexless marriage and I thought it's possible to be in it until I met my ex bf and had a brief A. I ended the 9-month A due to disagreements, no Dday. Sometimes I feel like leaving my marriage, but it's just the penetration that's missing. There's still everything else. I only had 1 year of penetration due to health reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 From what I am hearing/reading many women do the same as well. In fact, Id bet more women would cheat and NOT leave then men will. Just a hypothesis with no facts. So take it with a grain of salt. TFOY i just googled tfoy and it said the future of yesterday...is that what you mean ...... or is it The Fool of Year.....i am putting my name away from that considering this is probably a stupid question......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 My point exactly. What they feel they need to work on is what they will work on....no pity needed. Agreed... But when it comes to their relationship...Husband and Wife. they are both TOO LAZY to even bother! Link to post Share on other sites
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