Kisses all over her brother-in-law

[cre8r]

When someone claims to love you, shouldn't there be actions by your significant other that remain exclusive only to you? My girlfriend always greets and departs with her brother-in-law with an extended hug, lasting perhaps a minute or so. She warned me of this "tradition" when we were first dating and says it means nothing sexually or romantically which I have no problem believing. However I was blindsided with a recent incident where she kissed him around 20 times(literally), on each cheek before he was to depart, chatted a while and did the same thing before actually departing. To those who may think I have an insecurity issue, be that as it may, but it was hurtful and I felt awkward watching her do this. When I brought the issue up to her, she was irritated and says she's done that for years and it means nothing. She said that's how all her family does (although I never saw anyone else go to that extreme) and when her and her brother-in-law were younger, they would go around town holding hands, telling everyone they were boyfriend and girlfriend. I have absolutely no suspescion that anything's going on, however I would never show or have that much passion over another person if I'm in love with my girlfriend. A simple hug and a single kiss would suffice. Now, whenever she kisses me all over my face, I'm always reminded of her doing that to her brother-in-law which takes the bite out of feeling special to her. And now the relatives think I'm the *******. Feel free to agree with them or please let me know otherwise as I'm looking for a general consensus of those not emotionally involved in this issue.

[january2011]

What does his wife think?

[cre8r]

As far as I know, the wife has accepted it for many years, he's pretty much a flirt as well and talks about women in front of her but it's absolutely no issue with her.

[Darren Steez]

Oh please what absolute rot. Why? Why hold someone for longer than 5 seconds of it's saying goodbye. Understand if someone is going through a tragedy/heartbreak..or if it's extreme celebrations/occasion.

 

Regardless of whether it was tradition *bull* or not, the fact is you could have nipped it at the bud when she first told you this, "Forget your tradition, that was in the past, you don't do that around me period!" If it makes you uncomfortable then tell her not to do it when you're there. If she says no. Well you'll have to endure the kissing, hugging, grabbing etc.

[cre8r]

Thanks for your responses. I'm in a position where I need to decide whether to continue this relationship as the above post is only one of the behaviors I'm supposed to accept from her as she makes it seem as if I'm the one that has the problem. I'm hoping for more responses here as I've been lost in this relationship for the past 2 years and need views from another perspective.

[Cutiepie1976]

Where do you live? What culture are you and her from? In certain parts of the world, a warm hug and kisses on both cheeks is standard practice, even in a business setting, if you know the person well. You need to provide more information.

 

What are your other concerns? You said there were other things that bothered you.

[carhill]

OP, there's two aspects of this. Her lips have been all over other men's parts throughout her life. Harsh but reality. The other part is that your sharing of your feelings apparently 'irritated' her. That doesn't sound too loving to me. Perhaps more effective communication is needed. If your sharing of how you feel, as you did here, irritates her and/or causes her to dismiss your feelings, perhaps there is a fundamental disconnect. Personally, I watch this boundary very carefully with MW's, as some do attempt/have attempted to 'slip' a little on what is appropriate. Examples would be discovering something wet and moving against my lips and/or similar moving against my hips, all seemingly 'innocent'.

 

If you can't resolve this to a positive place, move on. Good luck.

[cre8r]

It wasn't a simple kiss on each cheek, more like 20 on each. Visualize a sailor returning from sea after a year and his girl kissing him all over the face. It was with that kind of passion that she showed. There's no relationship going on between the two of them and there's no threat of that happening. Nevertheless, could a women truly love me while doing this in front of me or even behind my back for that matter. Is there anyone else out there that has to deal with this kind of behavior?

[carhill]

Perhaps it's difficult, but this is one instance where 'thinking like a man' can be a handicap. Women don't view interactions in the same way we do. There's a continuum, a connection, from one action to the next. Imagine the information superhighway, where everything is connected to everything else. She doesn't have to have a 'relationship' with BIL to gain enormous emotional benefit and gain from interaction with him, even physical gain. It's all incremental and continuous. That's the beauty of emotion.

 

While it all may seem, or is, innocent, she wouldn't be doing it if there was no benefit.

 

Question: How does it go, physically? Watch the body language and the interactions prior to those you find uncomfortable. The lead-up is key, IME. If there's balance, meaning mutual proactivity over time, as well as mutually proactive displays of affection, which are consistent across loved ones, perhaps your discomfort level could use a stand-down. If other, other. The answers generally are in the details.

[Cutiepie1976]

Thanks for your responses. I'm in a position where I need to decide whether to continue this relationship as the above post is only one of the behaviors I'm supposed to accept from her as she makes it seem as if I'm the one that has the problem. I'm hoping for more responses here as I've been lost in this relationship for the past 2 years and need views from another perspective.

 

I'll ask this question again since you chose not to answer any of my questions seeking clarification. What are these other behaviors that bother you?

 

As far as the greeting goes, you have three choices:

• Accept it since she refused to change after you voiced your concern
  
• Try to get her to change by effectively presenting your concerns in a more productive manner than occurred in the first discussion.
  
• Walk
  

 

From your reaction to my first post, I sense that you're looking for people to simply agree with you. Whatever. What are you going to do? Wave a bunch of internet postings at her?? Frankly, that would do nothing and most likely be counterproductive. It would be an immature approach to handling this The only two views that matter are yours and hers. If you want her to see things from your perspective, learn to communicate it clearly. If you've done so, and she disagrees, well then you suck it up and stay or, if you find the behavior intolerable, you walk.

[cre8r]

Thanks for your insight Carhill but I'm not totally sure I get what you're saying. Through the normal course of their interaction there's nothing that indicates anything going on romantically/sexual. The fact that she's all over him when greeting and departing is what gets me. Also the fact she has a few male friends that she says she loves. So I'm feeling barely a step above her platonic relationships she has with her guy friends. Although she claims that I am "the one" and that she's in love with me. To me the actions don't jive with what she's saying. Thanks for taking the time to help out and I appreciate any other thoughts.

[cre8r]

@Cutiepie- I'm not looking for anyone to agree, I'd like honest answers to try to determine if my thoughts are justified. I didn't want to go off on a tangent about other behaviors but I'll branch off on this particular one. She has had a male friend that she has known about 10-15 years before dating me. She was honest with me and told me she was once attracted to him, at one point they had made out but she said it was like kissing her brother and stopped at that. She also loaned him thousands of dollars to start a business. Fast-forward, while dating me, she hadn't really spent any time with him until a few months ago when she invited him to her birthday party. They were both so engrossed in conversation, I felt like I was the third wheel. If I interjected anything into the conversation, she would look at me as if I were speaking Chinese. From that point their friendship has been rekindled, granted they don't spend time with each other but the guy visits her at work occasionally and talks on the phone every now and then. Presently we're on vacation and she gave the guy her key to take care of her pets while she's gone. Being aware of their history, I have occasionally questioned if there's been any interaction between them and I'll get the "don't ask dumb questions" response. There's more to this particular issue but the party/conversation incident was the most significant.

[Cutiepie1976]

Without being there and knowing all the details, it's difficult to give a clear cut answer. Here are some possibilities:

• She's naturally friendly and flirtatious.
  
• She had unresolved feelings for one or both guys.
  
• She doesn't currently value your relationship.
  

Unclear which of these, if any, apply since you provide so little detail.

 

It's concerning that your feelings were dismissed when you raised them. So too, that you get contemptuous responses such as "don't ask dumb questions." It's also concerning that you feel no different than these guys. Occasionally that can be personal insecurity--i.e. your issue rather than hers. Sometimes though, it's a completely valid response because of the way you or others are being treated.

 

You intimated that you've been together two years? Has she become more distant? Less enthusiastic to spend time with you? Is she pulling away?

 

Look for other signs to determine if this is just a warm greeting, or if it's the tip of the iceberg, and there is more between her and either of her two friends. Even more importantly, look for signs that tell you where you stand with her. Is she serious and committed to her relationship with you? Are you just Mr. Right Now? Or is she done with your relationship and just treading water until someone better comes along?

 

Difficult to tell which of these might apply in your situation, with the very limited information you provide.

 

Good luck!

[Feelin Frisky]

Sounds like some old world European crap. If it bothers you, I would probably bother me. I tell her to suck his god damn dick and be done with it. Figuratively speaking but none-the-less spoken with emphasis. Knock it off. The past is the past and now if now. Choose.

[Darren Steez]

Thing is bro you're allowing this type of behavior to continue. There are clearly no boundaries where other men are concerned. Her excuse that she loves other guys and can kiss up on them, give them long hugs, I'm sorry dude, there are hyenas out there who will eat her up in a second if given the chance.

 

So here's the scenario, now there are no boundaries and say she meets a man she's instantly attracted to. She gives him hugs and squeezes, and he gives them back..I don't have to tell you what happens when the attraction escalates and little by little those boundaries are moved until they both fallen off the cliff.

 

She doesn't take you seriously when you voice your concerns, that is tantamount to a lack of respect. You can feebly ask her to stop, every time she does it watching it and absolutely hating it or tell her to stop or you'll walk. Don't accept no, don't accept tradition or any other lame excuse either she stops or you walk. She says no, say goodbye and walk away and don't contact her. If she wants this relationship as badly as you then she'll fight for it, otherwise it's one sided.

 

Thing is you're here asking these questions. Clearly it bothers you so why not do something about it? Would you stand her flirting with a stranger in front of you, or would you ask her to stop and when she tells you oh I'm just flirty continue to accept it and stay with her?

 

Take responsibility for this relationship with what you will and will not put up with with regards to being shown a certain amount of common decency.

[nofool4u]

When someone claims to love you, shouldn't there be actions by your significant other that remain exclusive only to you? My girlfriend always greets and departs with her brother-in-law with an extended hug, lasting perhaps a minute or so. She warned me of this "tradition" when we were first dating and says it means nothing sexually or romantically which I have no problem believing.

 

So here is the question. Do other members of your family or hers, male or female, get this extra extended hug and kiss treatment? My guess is no.

[veggirl]

If my bf was doing that and wouldn't stop, he would immediately be dumped.

 

I can't even imagine standing there watching that go on. How humiliating.

[cre8r]

Thanks Darren, I agree. And it was very humiliating Veggirl.

 

I posted earlier that this was only one of a few of her behaviors that concerns me. I tried to break up with her last month and didn't expect her to get so upset as her tears spewed all over the place. Right now we're literally 700 miles apart (for 3 days now) and she's expecting me to come back.

 

I'm still looking for direction and getting a general consensus on this site, as this is the best resource I can find. She's led me to believe that I've got the problem. So I appreciate anyone's vote or thoughts.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's straight-up odd, especially given that nobody else in the family does this. ie, it's NOT a custom.

 

If you've told her it bothers you and she continues to do it, she's blatantly disrespecting you. That would be the biggest problem for me.

 

The most immature response would be to grab the wife next time and kiss her all over too. Then insist it's your "new custom" (DISCLAIMER: DO NOT DO THIS, obviously) It's just interesting to imagine your gf's reaction if the tables were turned.

[chucksagent]

Attention Whore...plain and simple.

 

-MOST girls I know who are older than 25 who have "male friends" are attention whores.

-I've been on this planet over 30 years and NEVER seen a grown woman give the sailor kiss (I know it because my grandmother has done it to infants or toddlers that are her grandkids) to another adult. ESPECIALLY a non intimate adult.

-She doesn't show any regard for how YOU perceive all of this. We all have to make subtle changes when we get into committed relationships for any numbers of reasons, MAINLY respect.

 

Only a complete idiot OR an attention whore would pay such little detail to common courtesy.

[cre8r]

To be fair, she does give good hugs to the other relatives but goes over the top for the brother in law. As far as her having only male friends, she has the "I don't trust women" excuse, men make better friends. There has been a married couple she has been very close to for many years, but I found out that it's the couple's husband that she only keeps contact with these days, usually through emails several times a week.

[dasein]

No woman I've dated would put up with 1 minute hugs even without the kissing, unless the woman I was hugging had "mother" somewhere in her title. Seriously, this is about as clear cut as it gets.

[WhoreyBull]

I wouldn't even care if there was something going on.

If a date made me stand there watching them in an extended hug and goodbye before we can leave like the world had suddenly started obeying the laws of The Sims our dating would not have progressed much further.

Not without a discussion about how awkward and annoying that was.

[chucksagent]

I would bet you fifty dollars ($50.00) you have an attention whore on your hands...and it's that simple.

 

RUN...don't walk...away.

 

This can't be changed. This is a person who has been sucked dry of all soul at a young age. Possible reasons (POSSIBLE, don't spaz or flip on me Political Correct police, I am saying POSSIBLE reasons)

 

-Sexually assaulted by trusted family member/neighbor etc. at young age.

-No self esteem confidence

-Picked on in late elementary school/middle school (called fat, smelly, etc.)

-Secretly a lesbian deep down and can't confront it

-Hates herself (for ANY number of reasons)

-SMALL chance it's simple Daddy issues also...or even complicated Daddy issues I guess (but usually that comes with MORE baggage than just attention whorism)

 

Do you have any idea/backstory about any of those things being true? Has she ever said anything to you that those trigger?

[cre8r]

Thanks Chuck, here's what I can tell you-

 

• She claims to have been date raped with an acquaintance (no intoxicants involved however) at age 24 and had gone out to dinner with him afterwards. I was the only one she ever told this to and for some bizarre reason she went to get tested for possible diseases 15 years later. I know this is a sensitive subject but somehow I feel it may have been "screwer's remorse" on her part.

 

• She appears to be very confidant

 

• I have thought about the lesbian issue. She claims to never had enjoyed sex with her 2 previous husbands, never had an orgasm, ever, never touched herself nor had an interest. She refuses to go to a female gynocologist because having another woman touch her there is as she says "is gross", on the issue of gay marriage she seems to go over the top about how marriage should be between a man and woman only, etc. My last points are what I feel that she tries to project an anti-gay image to try to hide being gay herself. Most likely I'm wrong about this theory but I've had that thought.

 

• I don't think she has any self hate issues and absolutely no daddy issues.

 

Also, when we were first dating and honestly flowed more freely, she said she flirts with guys from age 9 to 90. At the time I explained that it probably wouldn't be a good thing to do since we were exclusive. When I've mentioned her flirting statement at this stage of our relationship, she pretends it never happened.