mnmtrouble Posted September 12, 2004 Share Posted September 12, 2004 I was just married 2 weeks ago. I have been together with my new wife for over 4 years. We have had some ups and downs but neither of us have ever been unfaithful....until now. This is a terrible story and I really don't know how to get over it. While on our honeymoon, we were at the resort nightclub and we met a guy. We were all very drunk at this time. My wife instantly begins to flirt with this man but I let it go as just "having fun". Then she says that she wants to kiss him, for some reason I say go ahead and we all laugh . I should say that in the past we have goofed around with another couple, very close friends of ours, kissing each other and playing around - nothing more than that. The nightclub closes and all 3 of us go to back our room. I should also say that this is a couples only resort, the man's wife is back in his room sleeping. So we are in our room having a few drinks and my wife is still messing around with this guy too much but again and I act like it is ok. The man calls his wife and says that he is going to go and get her and come back to our room. My wife says she wants to go with him and I let her go. After a few minutes I decide that this is a bad idea and go to find them. After walking a few minutes I find him on top of her in the grass. I yell to get off my wife and he runs off and she gets up buttoning her pants. They both say that they did not have sex but if they didn't they would have if I didn't come along. I feel partly to blame for this for allowing what I thought was playful kissing and for letting her go with him. I never thought I would see what I saw after I left the room. I can not get that sight out of my head and I do not know how I can ever forget or forgive my new wife. I do not know what will happen to our relationship. I want to be with her but I don't know if I will ever get over this. She has been extremely apologetic and I do not believe that she would ever do something like this again. Also, I have no doubt that alcohol played a major role in this but I don't feel that is an excuse. I have so much anger and such a terrible feeling all the time. I want to move past this but I don't know how. This was not a swingers resort and we do not swing, we are monagamous. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 12, 2004 Share Posted September 12, 2004 we have goofed around with another couple, very close friends of ours, kissing each other and playing around I'm sorry, but that kinda conflicts with we do not swing, we are monagamous Here's a thought - quit 'kissing each other and playing around' with other people. Period. You sat by while two drunk people essentially engaged in foreplay in front of you and then were surprised that they lacked the judgement to stop? Both of you abdicated your responsibilities and you're ticked at her because she had no more self-control than did you. You need to forgive her and then both of you need to swear that you've ended the fooling around with other people. You can't keep striking matches and thinking that you won't get burned. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 What an awful story. Your comment that you are sure that she would never do this to you again is simply ridiculous. She gets drunk and is caught in the process of screwing another man on your honeymoon? If she cannot deal with drinking and is willing to screw another man on your honeymoon; then what makes you think the next time she is drunk she will not do this again? If she was willing to screw another man virtually in front of you then what do you think she will do in the future when she gets drunk and you are not there to catch her? The fact that she was screwing another man on your honeymoon would be a huge dealbreaker for most men. Of course, allowing her to kiss another man was stupid on your part, but her engaging in sex on your honeymoon is beyond comprehension. I would get a lawyer now and save yourself from a lot of pain in the future. What an absolutely awful story for you ever to endure. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 Get out of the marriage. Right now. Wow, my TBXW cheated within weeks of the wedding. But "at least" she waited till the honeymoon was over. Get out. Right now. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 Hold on just a second, here. HE has also 'kissed and messed around' with another woman. He WATCHED while his new wife kissed this other guy and messed around with him - in their room!!!!! But this is all her fault??? Men Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 I really think you made a mistake when you sat by and let her kiss this guy in front of you. That doesn't excuse the way she acted, that was just terrible. I really don't think I could hang around after something like that happened, especially on your honeymoon?! If you really want to stay with her though, I think you need to talk to her about what happend and both agree that you aren't going to be with other couples. Maybe the fact that you both had fooled around with others before, and you didn't get angry when she was kissing him, seemed like a green light for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Anais Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 I am sorry your honeymoon is messed up. I can guess how you feel. Many agree that having sexual fantasy is ok unless they come true. When one is drunk she/he looses the feeling of reality. Do you see my point? Just think of it that it was unreal sexual fantasy. Honestly, I wouldn’t forgive if I were you. But I also agree that it can happen to anyone who is drunk. So know when and how much you drink! Good luck and be strong! Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 Why in the world would you let her even flirt with this man on your honeymoon? Even swingers wouldn't even go that far. There is a time and a place for everything. A honeymoon is suppose to be about just the both of you. Not some third party. Link to post Share on other sites
onlyhuman Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 You set up the rules to allow this! You have both crossed the line in the past and then in front of you , you let another man kiss your wife!Talk about giving mixed messages!When you let your wife go with this man exactly what do you think would happen? The blame is on both of you in my opinion. The only real victim here is the goof's poor wife who was asleep while this happened. Sorry if I am harsh, I truly believe you must be really upset over this ,but geesh! Man flirts with my wife and touches her, GIANT FIST hurtling into his face! Scenerio... if my wife said , go ahead and kiss another women, and yeah go with her to her bed room I would think she did not care at all for me! Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 I'll amend my previous post, on reflection, to add that I agree with most of the other posters. You were at least partly responsible for the outcome in this case; she basically had an excuse for what she did -- you indicated it was OK. Either way, this marriage is in serious f*cking trouble. Hope you can fix it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mnmtrouble Posted September 13, 2004 Author Share Posted September 13, 2004 Thank you all for your replies. I think most of you have valid points. It seemes my new wife and I were playing with fire and I(mostly)/we got burned badly. I am not going to leave her. I am trying to find a way get through this and maybe someday to get over it. I do take some responsibility for what happened. I was dumb enough to stand there and laugh and even encourage the early stages of this. I never thought I would come upon what I saw. My wife is deeply sorry, she can not explain her actions. She was extremely drunk and she is not a drinker, though this does not fully excuse what happened by any means. I guess I could have stopped this at anytime in the club or my room but I didn't. Despite this nonsense we really are a normal, good couple. I guess when we have engaged in fooling around with our friends, (the other couple - they are our best friends), we were trying to be outrageous and that is not something that we can handle. The way everything went down is terrible. It makes me sad or angry for atleast some part of every day. This is most memorable moment of my honeymoon, that is very sad. My wife is totally apopogetic and understanding of my mood swings. She knows and admits that she was wrong. I believe it would never happen again because it never happened before. And I really don't think that either one of us would allow it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mnmtrouble Posted September 18, 2004 Author Share Posted September 18, 2004 I'm starting to forgive my wife for what happend. She is totally remorseful and ashamed of what happened. I have accepted some of blame for allowing this to happen. She also accepts responsibility and does not blame me or the alcohol. I know that she has a lot of guilt, deservedly so, and she also needs to find a way to recover from this too. It is very difficult to have things come back to normal. This is supposed to be the time when everything is great and we are excited about our new marriage. This has really thrown a wrench into everything. I am hoping that everything will be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 It's truly great that the two of you have taken responsibility for your actions for this is a sign of maturity on the part of both. If your W has a hard time in forgiving herself you MAY want to consider making some fun of the situation by saying that you don't blame the OM for wanting to jump her bones, for he obviously has very good taste. Laughter is very powerful medicine. While it is going to be awhile before the two of you can put this behind you [it is going to be a one day at a time process that cannot be rushed], I suggest that the two of you consider a second ceremony and honeymoon to help the two of you create better memories and as a symnbol of recommittment of marital vows. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 Hello, I agree totally with TMCM. I think you need to go on another short honeymoon to reclaim your honeymoon and marriage. Otherwise when someone mentions a honeymoon it will make you sick to your stomach. You need to start new memories with a new honeymoon. I feel sorry for your wife because I am sure she sees the hurt in your eyes and wonders if you can ever look at her the same way again. It is an awful way to start your marriage which is why you need to reclaim your honeymoon by having another one to replace the old one as soon as possible. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 I was going to post what BryanP said. Go on another honeymoon. If not, you'll end up with more problems than you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mnmtrouble Posted September 21, 2004 Author Share Posted September 21, 2004 A second honeymoon is something that we would like to do. Even just a weekend get-a-way. We need it. We do have some good and bad days. I would love to find a way to get back the new marriage high. That is something that we never really got to experience. Despite that I really think that we are going to get past this but I know it will not be easy. Thanks for your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Sucidesurvior Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 mnmtrouble - your story is really awful. I do believe you can make your marriage a strong one but would recommend that you go to marriage counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mnmtrouble Posted September 26, 2004 Author Share Posted September 26, 2004 We have discussed counseling but have not scheduled it at this time. We have been talking about everything and things seem to be heading in the right direction. At this point, I am taking a wait and see attitude towards counseling. I am not against but not sure if it is something that I want/need to do at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 Don't wait for counseling! Don't wait until things get any worse. Trust me, go now and save yourself alot of heartache that might be ahead of you. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 Originally posted by mnmtrouble She has been extremely apologetic and I do not believe that she would ever do something like this again. Also, I have no doubt that alcohol played a major role in this People always blame alcohol for making them do crazy stuff. I believe alcohol can be like a true serum and it helps you to say and do the things you really feel. Your wife was attracted to this guy, and is probably horny for many other men. Keeping her off the sauce may help, but sooner or later she will cheat again. Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty04 Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Something is rotten in Denmark... This is a very unfortunate situation. Sounds like both parties are somewhat to blame, but to go on another "Honeymoon"???? No way. You guys would in essence be just sweeping this under the rug, and rewarding bad behavior. Go on another honeymoon if a hurricane ruined the first or somone was sick. Cheating on your honeymoon is a rotten sign of things to come, it will just open old wounds. Good luck and I hope it works out for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Counseling along with the possiblity of a new honeymoon would be the best advice. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel Counseling along with the possiblity of a new honeymoon would be the best advice. counseling will fix everything!! It's the greatest!! Everybody should go to counseling!! Those counselors are the greatest people that ever walked the earth!! Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Never said that, but the chances of things working by going to one is better than if they were to try to fix it themselves. Just because counseling didn't work for you, doesn't mean that's the norm. If it was, they would never be in business. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel Never said that, but the chances of things working by going to one is better than if they were to try to fix it themselves. Just because counseling didn't work for you, doesn't mean that's the norm. If it was, they would never be in business. They are in business because we live in a society where too many people believe that in order to be functional and accepted you must strive to become physically correct, politically correct, mentally correct and emotionally correct. And they are in business to make money. Any jack off can go to college, study mental health and get a job. Link to post Share on other sites
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