jmargel Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 They are in business because we live in a society where too many people believe that in order to be functional and accepted you must strive to become physically correct, politically correct, mentally correct and emotionally correct. Actually that is not the norm. Most people are not physically, politically, mentally or emotionally correct. It's the media who tries to shove this down our throats. That's part of the reason why most people feel the way they do about themselves. It's made to believe unless a relationship is good 100% of the time, then something is wrong and the marriage should be terminated. If you go person to person you won't find one couple that doesn't have problems or a bad situation. You won't find one person who's totally happy in every aspect of their life. And they are in business to make money. Any jack off can go to college, study mental health and get a job. Sorry, I disagree with you there. Yes there may be a few that are in it for the money, but unless you are at a job that you are happy at, then no amount of money is going to keep you in that profession, unless yourself is willing to live an ungratifying life. There is alot of training, studying and experiece one must go through to be a good counselor. You also have to be willing to listen to problems everyday to try to help solve without getting discouraged. You try to make this an easy job, but I know that isn't true. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 "If you go person to person you won't find one couple that doesn't have problems or a bad situation. You won't find one person who's totally happy in every aspect of their life." Right. So deal with it and quit running to counselors. The only way two people can be happy and make a relationship work is when each person accepts and learns to live with each other's bad qualities. Period. "Yes there may be a few that are in it for the money, but unless you are at a job that you are happy at, then no amount of money is going to keep you in that profession, unless yourself is willing to live an ungratifying life." I hate my job but I stick with it because I can't find another job (or one that I enjoy) making the same or more money. I have bills to pay and a child to support. I know so many people that went to college to study for that dream career and couldn't find a job in that field. Most of them are working a job they hate because they need the money. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 So then you are telling me that counselors are 'stuck' in their job and it's not their passion to help people? Guess you can say the samething for doctors? Right. So deal with it and quit running to counselors. The only way two people can be happy and make a relationship work is when each person accepts and learns to live with each other's bad qualities. Period. Unfortunetly not every issue is black & white. Each situation is unique, just like yours is. You don't have to live with certain bad qualties of your spouse. I'm sure that spouse also wants to get rid of those bad qualities as well. This is where a counselor helps out. Just like you can't just learn to communicate better by yourself. It's not as easy as it seems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mnmtrouble Posted October 3, 2004 Author Share Posted October 3, 2004 Well, I wasn't trying to stir a debate about weather or not counseling is good or bad. I'm sure that it works for some and doesn't for others. Right now I not seeking counseling but trying to deal with things ourselves. I love my wife and she loves me. She made a TERRIBLE mistake and HORRIBLE decision in judgement. She is very, very sorry. She understands my pain and anger and tries to be supportive. The anger and pain is less already. She listens to me when I need to talk about everything. I don't think a counselor would help us very much at this point. I think it is going to take time. If some more time passes and we can't past this maybe we will seek counseling because we both want this marriage to work. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and opinions. Reading them makes me feel better, even the ones I don't agree with. It's nice to see that other people care enough to write. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mnmtrouble Posted October 6, 2004 Author Share Posted October 6, 2004 It's been a couple of more days and it seems like the pain is starting to getting worse again. I feel like I am shaking it and BAM, it's back! Maybe I will seek counseling. I want this marriage to work. I don't know if I will ever get past this. I wonder, does this open me up to this happening again. I really don't think that she would do it again. But I feel like such a fool for letting this happen. I don't know how to get over it. I mean, would she get over it if I did something like this. Ah, this sucks. I wish I could let it all go. I want to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 You do need counseling. Both of you. Otherwise you will have really good days and very bad days. You can't continue this roller coaster of emotions. Check your local hospital or search for counselors near you, online. Make sure they are 'licensed'. Does it open up for this to happen to you again? Probably not, based on what you are telling us with how your wife feels. However you need help in dealing with this insecurity, anger, resentment, confusion, etc.. And your wife needs to deal with what she's done. And you both need to deal with what happened on your honeymoon, and how to make things right again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mnmtrouble Posted October 30, 2004 Author Share Posted October 30, 2004 I am still pretty bitter about what happened. There are good days and bad days, I don't know if I will ever get past this.I would love to think that our marriage will survive but I am so sure. My wife still shows nothing but remorse and understanding but it might not be enough. I still take some responsibilty for allowing to happen. The fact that it happened and then what I saw with my own eys might be too much to get over. Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 What you and your W are going through is a normal part of the healing process. Recovery is a one day at a time process that cannot be rushed. Don't think about tomorrow and just concentrate on TODAY, and do the same thing tomorrow, and the day after that, and so on and so on. Eventually BOTH of you WILL overcome this ordeal. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Hello, I am not surprised that you have remained bitter. My guess is that the word honeymoon probably makes you cringe. The fact that you saw your bride having sex with another man in the bushes at your resort will forever be imprinted on you. I think that the images you have had to endure would have been too much for most men to deal with. In addition, the feeling of being special in your marriage to your wife has been eroded. Only you can decide how much you are willing to carry with you to stay in this marriage but it sounds like your relationship will be forever poisoned by what happened on your honeymoon. If you feel you cannot overcome this (I don't think I could) then you owe it to both of yourselves to maybe move on and seek out another marriage without this terrible baggage that is like a cancer in your marriage. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Originally posted by mnmtrouble "My wife instantly begins to flirt with this man but I let it go as just "having fun". Then she says that she wants to kiss him, for some reason I say go ahead and we all laugh ." Why did you say go ahead? Why did you laugh? You were essentially telling her that this was okay with you. "I should say that in the past we have goofed around with another couple, very close friends of ours, kissing each other and playing around - nothing more than that. " This is contradictory to you being completely monogamous.... "The nightclub closes and all 3 of us go to back our room. I should also say that this is a couples only resort, the man's wife is back in his room sleeping. " It's your honeymoon and you invite a strange drunk man who you have already allowed to flirt with and kiss your new wife back to your room with you ... this makes a lot of sense!!! "So we are in our room having a few drinks and my wife is still messing around with this guy too much but again and I act like it is ok. The man calls his wife and says that he is going to go and get her and come back to our room. My wife says she wants to go with him and I let her go. After a few minutes I decide that this is a bad idea and go to find them. " More poor judgement on your part... also contradictory to your "monogamy"... even if you trusted your wife, who was drunk, and who you had essentially given a green light to, why would you trust this stranger? " I feel partly to blame for this for allowing what I thought was playful kissing and for letting her go with him." You are more than partly to blame for it imo. Were you trying to test your wife? It seems so. "Also, I have no doubt that alcohol played a major role in this but I don't feel that is an excuse." It probably did, and so did your saying okay to each step that led to this. You had already fooled around with another couple before and your wife probably thought this was also okay since you didn't object to any of it. Sounds like a situation that got out of hand. I'm still wondering why either of you would want to bring a drunken stranger back to your room with you on your honeymoon? I'm also wondering why your wife would start flirting with a stranger on your honeymoon if this isn't something she typically does. It doesn't sound very romantic, and although you are not swingers, I would think "even swingers" might choose to be alone on their honeymoon. This all suggests to me that you are not really clear on being monogamous or what your relationship is really about. I see this as being both your doing. Forgive her, try to get over your misplaced indignity, and try to think about why you both allowed this to happen. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mnmtrouble Posted October 31, 2004 Author Share Posted October 31, 2004 I don't know how either of us could let this happen. I feel like such an ass for standing by and watching this scene. It makes me feel like a weak person. I know this is where some of my anger comes from. I don' know how or why my wife would do this. It is not who she is. The whole thing is just so hard to deal with. It is a terrible memory for a time that was supposed to be great, Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 mnmtrouble, My maternal grandfather, God rest his soul, when he was sober he was the kindest and sweetest man you could ever hope to meet but once he drank to the point of intoxication he would become a total different individual. He was cruel and vicious and lost many a good friend and relative because of his dark side. While both of you are responsible for your actions, you have to keep in mind that alcohol intoxication has caused people to do things that they would never do in their right mind. It is for this reason that I highly recommend that you and your W never again drink to the point of intoxication and if you beleive that you and her have a problem with alcohol, to please get professional help. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by mnmtrouble I don't know how either of us could let this happen. I feel like such an ass for standing by and watching this scene. It makes me feel like a weak person. I know this is where some of my anger comes from. I don' know how or why my wife would do this. It is not who she is. The whole thing is just so hard to deal with. It is a terrible memory for a time that was supposed to be great, Makes you feel like a weak person? Well then start acting strong and do what you know needs to be done. Call a local hospital today and ask for references for a good marriage counselor. Don't wait until tomorrow or put it off for another day. Today is the day. If you don't you are going to be regretting alot. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by mnmtrouble I don't know how either of us could let this happen. I feel like such an ass for standing by and watching this scene. It makes me feel like a weak person. I know this is where some of my anger comes from. I don' know how or why my wife would do this. It is not who she is. The whole thing is just so hard to deal with. It is a terrible memory for a time that was supposed to be great, Easier said than done, but I think, it's time to stop berating yourself and your wife, and time to start trying to understand why it happened. Everyone does things they regret, everyone feels weak at times. This doesn't have to ruin your life together. It is a horrible memory, since you obviously envisioned something else for the start of your marriage, but maybe you can take another honeymoon eventually that will erase this one from your minds. If you love each other and want a life together, you can get past this. Again, easier said than done, but you can either choose to hold on to the feelings of anger and regret or you can try to move on, it's your choice. Could it be that you are turned on by her being with someone else and you allowed this to happen because you were really enjoying it, or were you just watching it all and thinking why am I doing this, why is she doing this? You are the only ones who can figure out what caused this, and counseling would help to do that. I think understanding the true motivations for why we do things can be invaluable, although it's usually not easy to do and it's often very hard work. Link to post Share on other sites
mnm Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 Yeah, there was/has been many instances where I have ben the 3rd wheel or sorts. Now, I can honestly tell you very unlikely will I ever want to deal with this unusual circumstance, becuz I will just do what is best. And did. Remember how you felt during and after? It is totally useless, and I feel noone ever deserves a 2nd chance with this type of union. Good Luck, or get lost. I feel for you. Sorry. I do not foresee a 2nd committment of vows or 2nd honeymoon. Why? Vacation maybe! I can assure you, all that is done is not forgotton surely forgiven. Link to post Share on other sites
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