I yelled and spat at my gf (feel bad)

[Lostandfeelingbad]

I was wondering if there was a way of winning her back. We had a stupid argument, in which it was about how I've been lately spending more time with friends, don't visit her too much and forgetting Valentine's Day.

 

I was trying to reason, but there was some truth to what she was saying and it became an argument of her saying how maybe it's better she leaves. Some time passed by and that's where I said ''Fine, you stupid *****'' and spat in her face; stupid me. She looked at me in shocked and walked away. This happened last week and she isn't taking my apologies nor wants to speak to me. If anyone asks for our ages it's 22 and 20. I'm truly sorry and really wanted to settle one with this girl in the near future.

 

Another thing is my family (even my parents) adored her and sometimes even treat her like a daughter. If I told them what happened, I'm not going to get another but verbal bashing esp from my father. He feels strongly about men that disrespect women and I feel terrible for dissapointing him.

 

To have an idea of how strongly he feels with that topic, when I was about 13, I recalled seeing him beat the living deadlights out of this guy that was punching his gf. He actually broke that man's nose and bruised him up, then he filed charges. I told him how maybe the beating the was too.

Old man: Not for me. I'll beat one when I see one. Don't ever let me catch you doing that, you understand?

 

Anyway what can I do to win her back? I'm already feeling bad and don't need any more tongue bashing and him making me feel like the worst loser. I just want her to know I'm really sorry I acted like that.

[Lostandfeelingbad]

I've had other prior relationship and have never done this before nor even raised my voice. Already feeling like a loser, like one of those lowlifes. The very same thing my father and I always hated and still do.

 

I want her back. Is there a way?

[Mack05]

No offence but its best she leaves and doesn't come back. Some things you can forgive in a relationship, some things you can't. What you did was unforgivable. Period. Spitting is a such a low and depriving act.

 

I know you are sorry and I know you are desperate but if you really love this girl you will let her be. I would sent her this text..

 

"I love you and that is why I will be giving you space from here on out. I cannot believe what I have done. I am truly disgusted with myself and will be for the longest time. The bottom line is you deserve better. What I have done is simply unforgivable. You are an incredible girl and I wish you nothing but happiness. I know in future, someone else will not mess up the amazing opportunity I had. Take care, Love always -> then your name"

 

Once that text is sent don't contact her for at least 6 months. Once 6 months have past, send her a hand written letter stating how truly sorry you are for what you did. Any pleading our begging is simply going to drive her further and further away. She has already passed the line of no return.

 

In the meantime work on yourself. This can simply never happen again. Maybe consider therapy to try get to the bottom as to why you behaved like a disgusting animal. The harsh reality is the odds where HUGELY against you working out anyway. The odds of couples meeting young in today's world and lasting the course longterm are very small. It simply doesn't happen these days.

 

You need to make sure this never happens again..

Edited March 31, 2013 by Mack05

[TaraMaiden]

Mack's a lot more patient than I am.

That's just gross.

 

Frankly, you don't deserve her.

 

She was absolutely right to walk away, and you need to do the right and honourable thing now, apologise, AGREE WITH HER actions - and let her be.

 

Gross, man.

beneath contempt.

[Taramere]

I'm already feeling bad and don't need any more tongue bashing and him making me feel like the worst loser. I just want her to know I'm really sorry I acted like that.

 

It's hard to imagine an act like that (spitting in somebody's face) occurring as an isolated incident that would never happen again. Where did that piece of behaviour come from? How would you normally handle conflict with another person, and why weren't you able to use normal, non-violent (spitting in somebody's face is an assault in most paces) methods to handle the conflict with your girlfriend?

 

You can't just expect a bunch of strangers to say "okay Lostandfeelingbad, we accept that you're lost and feeling bad about all this, so let's just put all that behind you and focus on helping you get back this girlfriend you cursed at and spat on." Whatever place that behaviour came from, it's still going to be there. Guilt alone doesn't tend to result in a person resolving whatever problems lead to them behaving in violent and dysfunctional ways.

[M30USA]

I was wondering if there was a way of winning her back. We had a stupid argument, in which it was about how I've been lately spending more time with friends, don't visit her too much and forgetting Valentine's Day.

 

I was trying to reason, but there was some truth to what she was saying and it became an argument of her saying how maybe it's better she leaves. Some time passed by and that's where I said ''Fine, you stupid *****'' and spat in her face; stupid me. She looked at me in shocked and walked away. This happened last week and she isn't taking my apologies nor wants to speak to me. If anyone asks for our ages it's 22 and 20. I'm truly sorry and really wanted to settle one with this girl in the near future.

 

Another thing is my family (even my parents) adored her and sometimes even treat her like a daughter. If I told them what happened, I'm not going to get another but verbal bashing esp from my father. He feels strongly about men that disrespect women and I feel terrible for dissapointing him.

 

To have an idea of how strongly he feels with that topic, when I was about 13, I recalled seeing him beat the living deadlights out of this guy that was punching his gf. He actually broke that man's nose and bruised him up, then he filed charges. I told him how maybe the beating the was too.

Old man: Not for me. I'll beat one when I see one. Don't ever let me catch you doing that, you understand?

 

Anyway what can I do to win her back? I'm already feeling bad and don't need any more tongue bashing and him making me feel like the worst loser. I just want her to know I'm really sorry I acted like that.

 

Before my marriage experience, I agreed with your dad. But now that I've been on the receiving end of physical assault by ex wife, I have changed my mind. I think that anyone getting hit is wrong--man or woman. I say this with no offense to your dad, but it seems that it's a "macho" thing to do when we go overboard in response to the slightest wrong done to a woman. Yes, women aren't as strong as men. But there is no need to overreact to a truly non-serious situation. When women see this growing up, they think to themselves, "Wow I am special. Wow I am above the rules. Wow I can treat a man badly and no matter what people will swarm to my defense and feel proud if it." If you don't believe me, just watch TV. I have personally lived through it. My ex FIL and MIL knew my wife was hitting me yet they just assumed I must have provoked their daughter. Hah, imagine the other way around. All this over the top female pseudo-protective attitude is done more to make men, themselves, feel all good inside like he is a valiant hero than it is done for any good of the woman--unless of course it's truly serious abuse. But from what I've seen it's not. A man simply curses at a woman and people think he deserves a black eye etc. Lets get some perspective.

Edited March 31, 2013 by M30USA

[TaraMaiden]

Before my marriage experience, I agreed with your dad. But now that I've been on the receiving end of physical assault by ex wife, I have changed my mind. I think that anyone getting hit is wrong--man or woman. I say this with no offense to your dad, but it seems that it's a "macho" thing to do when we go overboard in response to the slightest wrong done to a woman. Yes, women aren't as strong as men. But there is no need to overreact to a truly non-serious situation. When women see this growing up, they think to themselves, "Wow I am special. Wow I am above the rules. Wow I can treat a man badly and no matter what people will swarm to my defense and feel proud if it." If you don't believe me, just watch TV. I have personally lived through it. My ex FIL and MIL knew my wife was hitting me yet they just assumed I must have provoked their daughter. Hah, imagine the other way around. All this over the top female pseudo-protective attitude is done more to make men, themselves, feel all good inside like he is a valiant hero than it is done for any good of the woman--unless of course it's truly serious abuse. But from what I've seen it's not. A man simply curses at a woman and people think he deserves a black eye etc. Lets get some perspective.

No, let's not.

Stop trying to turn everybody else's issue - into a comparison of your issue.

 

Nobody here has ever congratulated your wife for her actions or insinuated that she was right and you were wrong.

And your violent marriage is not the topic, here.

 

The issue here, is that this man spat in his GF's face with little or no provocation.

 

he's deeply ashamed and rightly so.

And I'll tell you what - had it been his GF spitting in his face, I would have come down just as harshly on her.

And you damn well KNOW I would - as would the other respondents here.

 

His father stands by rules which to you may seem archaic, but you know what?

Maybe it's time we returned to certain honourable values without losing sight of what is morally right or wrong, today.

Edited April 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[M30USA]

Maybe it's time we returned to certain honourable values without losing sight of what is morally right or wrong, today.

 

Agreed. Let's go back to the days when women were lady-like; when girls in school weren't getting into fistfights; when movies didn't routinely show women hitting and smacking men for no reason (as audience laughs or applauds).

 

I'm in. Where's the time machine back into the "archaic days".

[M30USA]

PS

 

I wonder what the OPs wife must have done to "provoke" him. That's what he'd be hearing if she spat in his face. Period. End if story. Been there. Done that. I surely ain't alone.

Edited March 31, 2013 by M30USA

[TaraMaiden]

You're already in one.

All you have to do is to uphold your morals and pass them on to your children.

And if you have a daughter, start with her.

After all, your wife is "the Bad Guy" here. It naturally follows that if your wife has custody, the influence of behaviour will be predominantly hers.

It's up to you to steer your children into not making the same mistakes you both made.

[M30USA]

We have joint custody. She has primary, though. But at least I can train my children up in the way I want for that lesser amount of time without her undermining me. So I agree with you. However, as with most people in our culture, you assume that a marriage failing was always the result of 2 parties--implying we are both to blame. That not only is false but goes against the philosophies of western justice which holds the individual accountable rathe than the group.

[William]

Thread starter, as it appears you're new and haven't returned to this thread to interact, and it has gone off-topic, moderation is closing it for now. Alert on this post if/when you have further comments/questions to add. Thanks.