Ponder this scenario.....

[Got it]

If she is given any money he has told me he doesn't want to know about it and I am to do it confidentially.

 

Yuck.......that he would abdicate that to you. Are you agreeing to that? I would not.

 

Blondie

 

Why? What it meant was once he is not obligated to do so if I wanted to give her money I could but he didn't need to be in the loop as he had no desire to do so after the obligation is exhausted. How is that abdicating to me? I think you should reread what I wrote to it was in regards to going above and beyond.

[Got it]

Blondie, you are projecting.

 

We are talking a number of years in the future. He is not putting me in that position. No one has to give her money at that point so I am willingly to go against his wishes to do so if I so choose. Again, a position years in the making so I have not put a lot of stock into what things will be like at that point. I allow him the right to change his mind.

 

Why are you focusing on the idea that he is trying to force me into a position (which was never stated) and not the idea on why I would want to financial support her later on? Or do you feel that the BS should always be supported? Are you relating to her?

 

It is not his responsibility at that time to deal with her with money. He would have no responsibility to her at that time.

 

Dear, you have no idea on the relationship.

[Lillyfree]

if two people decide not to be together because of money alone, then they shouldn't be together once there's plenty of it either.

[MissBee]

My dad didn't have another person, hated it at home but still didn't leave. Not everyone can get a second job that is going to amount to much or enough to make it feasible. I think it is easy to armchair quarterback how others should run their lives but until you are in their shoes it is best to hold off judgement.

I think this is why you see so many divorces after all the kids become adults. Many people are waiting for that financial lift to be able to make their move as well as not having to also pay child support.

 

I don't think anyone was judging any actual person's choice, but discussing the role money plays/doesn't play in a general sense.

 

You cite your dad as an example of someone who hated it at home and didn't leave, I cited my aunt who did the opposite of your dad. What's the difference between your dad and a stay at home mom? Lots of things probably, but for her, she was done and although it was not ideal...she wasn't going to wait until her 5 year old turned 18 or graduated college or what have you. As for seeing so many divorces when all the kids are adults, I can't speak to that if I were to look around simply at the people I know. Growing up, I had friends with divorced parents. In fact most of my adult friends who have divorced parents, the parents have been divorced since they were children. I know less people whose parents have divorced since they became adults. The only person I can think of is my friend whose dad divorced her stepmom 2 years ago...and that's her stepmom, she has younger siblings who are under 18, and they divorced anyway, they aren't rich either. Regular, working class people.

 

 

I posited the 2nd job as one practical solution for someone concerned about money, but certainly didn't say every person will find it useful. The takeaway point for me, which has been in all of my answers, is that someone desperate to leave will find ways (ex. getting a second job) if they are that determined. I think most married people in As are not that determined to leave so aren't really searching high and low for solutions...but those who really really want to leave...they find a way and it's not that those who do divorce simply don't care about money or have tons of it. Did your dad look for a second job? I'm not judging his choice not to, if he didn't, but for him, while not happy, maybe he wasn't desperate yet. My aunt started looking for a job. It was not even in her field...but she knew she was going to divorce and needed to start working again. She had concrete plans and not just wishes or thoughts or fears but really made some concrete plans. You talk about the slow boil...I believe that. I think lots of As are things that go on by the day and people get caught up but there are no real concrete plans in the works and they are not that desperate to leave. They may not be happy but many aren't that miserable enough to make concrete plans.

 

That's the takeaway point. It's not that money issues or other fears aren't real...it's that they are but some people seem to grab the bull by its horn and others seem not to. I'm not judging any specific person, but speaking about this lotto and running off into the sunset scenario and how money, while it matters is not THE only thing for most people and I doubt most MP in As will sail off with their AP just because they got rich. They should have an experiment with that though...get 200 A couples where one is married and the other AP is single where they want to be together but the MP is saying they can't, then have it rigged so the MP wins the lotto or thinks they have won and see if all of a sudden this makes it so that without the worry of financial strains, they will divorce.

Edited April 3, 2013 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Wouldnt that be great reality tv!!!!!!!

 

 

I was thinking that! It wouldn't work though since if you're in a secret A you aren't going to sign up for a tv show. And even as an actual experiment there would be so many ethical concerns lmaooo. I suppose a survey of married APs would be the only way to get at that. Which might also be a bit difficult but still feasible, if you can assure confidentiality and some degree of anonymity.

[MissBee]

It wouldn't work though since if you're in a secret A you aren't going to sign up for a tv show. And even as an actual experiment there would be so many ethical concerns lmaooo.

 

They could wear masks. And I really dont think the makers of reality tv worry too much about ethics......remember Who wants to marry a Millionaire......

 

It's not the makers, but which real couple in a secret A would volunteer to come on a tv show .

[jlola]

Wouldnt that be great reality tv!!!!!!!

 

Maybe he may leave the wife with a huge lottery win. But I can also see a man with 50 milllion looking at the mistress and thinking,"I get to live the playboy life now"...."See ya!!!"

 

Yup, he gets to feed his huge ego and entitlement with women such as this. I doubt he would leave wife and settle happily with mistress and skip over all the other beautiful women who are now after him. Something tells me it's not in his character.

Redirect Notice

[Got it]

I don't think anyone was judging any actual person's choice, but discussing the role money plays/doesn't play in a general sense.

 

You cite your dad as an example of someone who hated it at home and didn't leave, I cited my aunt who did the opposite of your dad. What's the difference between your dad and a stay at home mom? Lots of things probably, but for her, she was done and although it was not ideal...she wasn't going to wait until her 5 year old turned 18 or graduated college or what have you. As for seeing so many divorces when all the kids are adults, I can't speak to that if I were to look around simply at the people I know. Growing up, I had friends with divorced parents. In fact most of my adult friends who have divorced parents, the parents have been divorced since they were children. I know less people whose parents have divorced since they became adults. The only person I can think of is my friend whose dad divorced her stepmom 2 years ago...and that's her stepmom, she has younger siblings who are under 18, and they divorced anyway, they aren't rich either. Regular, working class people.

 

 

I posited the 2nd job as one practical solution for someone concerned about money, but certainly didn't say every person will find it useful. The takeaway point for me, which has been in all of my answers, is that someone desperate to leave will find ways (ex. getting a second job) if they are that determined. I think most married people in As are not that determined to leave so aren't really searching high and low for solutions...but those who really really want to leave...they find a way and it's not that those who do divorce simply don't care about money or have tons of it. Did your dad look for a second job? I'm not judging his choice not to, if he didn't, but for him, while not happy, maybe he wasn't desperate yet. My aunt started looking for a job. It was not even in her field...but she knew she was going to divorce and needed to start working again. She had concrete plans and not just wishes or thoughts or fears but really made some concrete plans. You talk about the slow boil...I believe that. I think lots of As are things that go on by the day and people get caught up but there are no real concrete plans in the works and they are not that desperate to leave. They may not be happy but many aren't that miserable enough to make concrete plans.

 

That's the takeaway point. It's not that money issues or other fears aren't real...it's that they are but some people seem to grab the bull by its horn and others seem not to. I'm not judging any specific person, but speaking about this lotto and running off into the sunset scenario and how money, while it matters is not THE only thing for most people and I doubt most MP in As will sail off with their AP just because they got rich. They should have an experiment with that though...get 200 A couples where one is married and the other AP is single where they want to be together but the MP is saying they can't, then have it rigged so the MP wins the lotto or thinks they have won and see if all of a sudden this makes it so that without the worry of financial strains, they will divorce.

 

"A better way, researchers suggest, calculates how many people who ever married subsequently divorced. Counted this way, the divorce rate has never exceeded 41 percent and is even now edging down. "This highest rate of divorce in the 2001 survey [of the Fertility and Family Branch of the Census Bureau] was 41 percent for men who were then between the ages of 50 and 59, and 39 percent for women in the same age group."

 

"Sometimes people turn to divorce statistics for clues that foreshadow the likelihood of marital success or failure. According to a 2009 study by Jeffrey Dew at the Utah State University, one of the best indicators of marital discord is what he terms "financial disagreements." Couples who "disagree about finances once a week" are over 30 percent more likely to get divorced than couples that report "disagreeing about finances a few times a month." Disagreeing about finance means fighting about money.

 

According to Dew, couples who disagree about money less than once per month run a 30 to 40 percent increase in the risk of divorce. This rate increases steeply when the partners fight several times per month, once a week, several times a week, to almost daily, when the risk increases to 125 percent to 160 percent.

 

In his study, Dew examined the responses of 2,800 couples surveyed in 1987 by the National Survey of Families and Households, who were contacted again in 1992, "and asked if they were still married." Of all the common items on the agenda of domestic disputes - chores, in-laws, spending time together, sex and money - "money disputes were the best harbinger of divorce."

 

Dew's metric of percent of increase in the risk of divorce may be a bit murky, but fights about money carry a big price. People may fight about how to spend what they have, but more often couples wake up too late to the cost of high living, which is debt. In extreme cases, debt becomes like an unwelcome stranger in their marriage, and recriminations and bickering soon take a toll."

 

U.S. Divorce Rates and Statistics - Divorce Source

[MissBee]

"A better way, researchers suggest, calculates how many people who ever married subsequently divorced. Counted this way, the divorce rate has never exceeded 41 percent and is even now edging down. "This highest rate of divorce in the 2001 survey [of the Fertility and Family Branch of the Census Bureau] was 41 percent for men who were then between the ages of 50 and 59, and 39 percent for women in the same age group."

 

"Sometimes people turn to divorce statistics for clues that foreshadow the likelihood of marital success or failure. According to a 2009 study by Jeffrey Dew at the Utah State University, one of the best indicators of marital discord is what he terms "financial disagreements." Couples who "disagree about finances once a week" are over 30 percent more likely to get divorced than couples that report "disagreeing about finances a few times a month." Disagreeing about finance means fighting about money.

 

According to Dew, couples who disagree about money less than once per month run a 30 to 40 percent increase in the risk of divorce. This rate increases steeply when the partners fight several times per month, once a week, several times a week, to almost daily, when the risk increases to 125 percent to 160 percent.

 

In his study, Dew examined the responses of 2,800 couples surveyed in 1987 by the National Survey of Families and Households, who were contacted again in 1992, "and asked if they were still married." Of all the common items on the agenda of domestic disputes - chores, in-laws, spending time together, sex and money - "money disputes were the best harbinger of divorce."

 

Dew's metric of percent of increase in the risk of divorce may be a bit murky, but fights about money carry a big price. People may fight about how to spend what they have, but more often couples wake up too late to the cost of high living, which is debt. In extreme cases, debt becomes like an unwelcome stranger in their marriage, and recriminations and bickering soon take a toll."

 

U.S. Divorce Rates and Statistics - Divorce Source

 

I am not sure what aspect/idea in my post this is responding to you. It would have been helpful to preface it and explain what this report is in response to.

 

This report talks about financial disagreement and couples who fight over money having less marital success. I don't think I ever tried to argue about that. This makes sense. I never once said money plays no role in marital disagreements.

 

None of this however, touches the idea that just because one person gets rich means they will divorce to be with their affair partner or that money is the only reason they don't divorce when in an A. This article is saying the exact opposite, it is saying people DO get divorced because of money and not that they DON'T get divorced because of money (which has been the argument in the the thread, that MP STAY TOGETHER for the sake of money and that's why they don't divorce to be with their AP). This article says nothing about couples staying together unhappily and not divorcing because of money, but says because of their money arguments they don't stay together. I have never said money isn't a factor in marital issues....which is the only thing this article could be in reference to, showing proof that financial disagreements lead to marital issues. But I never said no...what I said was that the choice to divorce esp when in an A is not dependent only on how much money one has or doesn't. This article seems to back up the point of the poster who said, whether a couple has $1 or $1 million, if they are prone to disagree about spending money/saving/etc then it won't matter. That disagreement is what makes them unhappy.

 

It's the disagreement about money (how to spend it, debt, etc) which leads to higher divorce rather than how much money they have or don't have. The OP's question implies that winning a large sum of money would lead to a MP divorcing to be with their AP. I said, I don't think that's necessarily true, because for many MP in an A, there are more factors than that why they aren't leaving, so millions won't mean running off into the sunset. This article can speak to the ideas that: winning millions would just mean more sums of money for a couple to argue over, leading to more marital discord and higher divorce rate than a couple who also won millions but don't disagree as much about money. It however, does not address whether or not people DO NOT divorce because of being worried they will be ruined and doesn't account for the dynamic of adding an A and how that affects their choice to divorce.

Edited April 3, 2013 by MissBee

[Act Two]

I think I'm the perfect example of how this scenario fits based on the article above. Money issues plagued my husband and me from day 1 (we married very young, etc.) and money fights were an issue and have been at least weekly. Therefore, we fit into that category of being very likely to divorce (this is kind of a relief to read this as I see I am not totally crazy!) because of our frequent money issues together.

 

At the height of my affair, as I posted previously, if I had won the lottery I would have bought my own house and taken off, possibly taking the kids to Disney to ease my throbbing conscience (I get it...wouldn't have covered the sin, but you see where I am going) and at least would have been able to guarantee that we would not have subjected the kids to a decline in standard of living.

 

Again, money is tight and keeps us in the same house for the time being. It's just the way it is but we've done many positive things to put us on a better path.

 

And incidentally, I seriously doubt financial fights/woes plague people with large amounts of money. I know there are always anecdotes otherwise, but I would guess that fights with couples over money are usually about a lack of money rather than excess.

[Act Two]

Yeah but when the going gets really tough, you can work it out over a nice dinner out or weekend away.

 

I have a trust fund friend and when she and her husband start fighting they hire a babysitter, get a bottle of wine and talk things over or run off to the Virgin Islands. Or go to therapy twice that week.

 

I just have a really hard time believing that is as stressful to a marriage than the drip drip of making ends meet.

[Lillyfree]

I just have a really hard time believing that is as stressful to a marriage than the drip drip of making ends meet.

 

when my husband and i were going through financially tough times - i was working part time because kids were little, he was studying full time - our relationship was the most solid and we didn't fight at all. actually, to think of it, we never fought about money at all.

 

with us problems started to surface after we were both working and on good incomes.

 

it's almost that for us the hard times are when we bond the best.

 

*shrug*