Won't marry me & WON'T leave

[Teela025]

My man and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. I recently had our 2nd child and I have a 9 year old. He busts his butt on 2 jobs taking care of all of us the best way he knows how. I am not back in the working arena yet. He is far from perfect and has ways that drive me crazy and push me away. However in general he is a great guy. He is the father of my children and I do love him. He refuses to marry me.

 

OK so I've come to grips with the fact that I'm not good enough for him to marry. I understand its my bad because I didn't make him "buy the cow" and I let him "milk it for free". I'm a big girl I can handle the truth and get through the hurt. However HE WONT LEAVE ME. I can't get through it while we still live in the same house. I have tried everything that I know how to get either one to happen.

 

Yes I gave him ultimatums. We've discussed both marriage and leaving numerous times. I bought my self flowers to make him jealous or think I was cheating. (don't recommend, it didn't work. It hurt me more than him.) . I sleep on the couch for several months now, so we no longer sleep together.

 

I have no leg to stand on really. He tells me to PUT him out. I'm not working and have no money to evict him and he is paying all of the bills. All I know is its consuming me. I feel so stuck that I've begged him to leave me even though I am not working. I know I can manage. It won't be easy but I won't be walking around my own house feeling unloved, unwanted and not good enough. The insecurities is not exactly doing well for my job search. What do I do??? I rather be happy and single than miserable and together. If we got married I would feel validated but at this point it would be a pressured marriage so whats the point.

[2sunny]

It's up to YOU to take the action for your intentions.

 

Stop blaming him - he's not changing a thing - you know that...

[carhill]

QD way? Accept his decision to not marry, melt a credit card to get/effect legal help to establish child support, file for personal BK if necessary, go on public assistance and move on with your life, rebuilding slowly. Put teeth into the words of your ultimatums. Doing such things can be scary. You've got three kids to consider.

 

Absent marriage, what action could he take which would improve your feelings and perspective surrounding this dynamic? What is it about the marriage license (I've been married and divorced, as a disclaimer) which impels such strong responses in yourself? What is your fear if he doesn't marry you? Generally, the answers lie within you. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

What is it about the marriage license (I've been married and divorced, as a disclaimer) which impels such strong responses in yourself? What is your fear if he doesn't marry you? Generally, the answers lie within you. Good luck.

I had the same question especially considering your course of action to this point. Co-habitation and children usually follow marriage but, since you're already there, your options are lessened. What does the piece of paper represent that his actions haven't to this point?

 

I guess the good news is that, if you're in one of the 9 states that recognize it, you're halfway way to common-law marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bentnotbroken]

He told you who he was and a marrying guy he isn't. Seems as if he has been absolutely honest with you. I would suggest you do not have anymore children with him and get back in the work force so that you are able to stand on your own two feet. Question...do you love him or are you in love with the idea of being married? Think on that.

[Teela025]

Thanks guys. I just need to put on my big girl panties and move on.

 

To respond to the WHY. I am not concerned with the license or the ring or the benefits of marriage. I just want to know somebody loves me enough to want to marry me. I know I know......that shows entirely too much insecurities and issues on my behalf but its the truth. I yearn for that kind of love I guess. And since we have been together 4 1/2 years and have 2 children together I guess I just thought it should go hand in hand. Clearly that's not the case.

[2sunny]

Read the infidelity section... Just because two people are married doesn't make life all rainbows and butterflies. Being M doesn't make a man love you - either he does or he doesn't!

 

Many here show that they get and stay married - but never exhibit loving behavior.

 

You could stay single forever... It's what a man shows with his words and actions that make me feel he loves me.

[Radu]

He might be expressing love in a different way, through busting his ass in those jobs.

 

Personally i find a few things kinda silly :

- you had 2 kids with him in a 4.5yrs relationship without getting married first when you already had another one; that to me shows poor decision making and i'll stop there ... though i'd like to say more

- you are willing to leave what i can only suspect is a good relationship [you haven't complained of other things] with 3 kids who need a father figure in their lives, make everything harder so you can get your 'Disney love' now ?

What exactly makes you think you will get it ?

If this relationship is broken, you are out of options. You have 3 kids, most likely you will not want more, so you need to find either a single dad or guy who does not want kids but is ok with the ideea of instant family.

And then the present job market, it's very easy to get a job in one.

What about college education for your kids. Kids would have a better chance of succeeding in life if they came from a full family.

 

I'm not saying that you should stick there in the present situation, but that you should think your situation through very well, because you might end regretting your leaving this relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just want to know somebody loves me enough to want to marry me.

At the risk of piling on, this meets the literal definition of cart before the horse. You "loved" him enough to have 2 children (who could potentially end up fatherless through your actions) so what you "want" isn't of paramount importance here. Actions and decisions have consequences. Since you don't appear to have fully thought through yours, I'll echo Radu and hope you'll ponder long and hard before proceeding. There are lives and futures at stake here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Teela025]

OK I had my big girl panties on this morning but now I'm starting to rethink it again. First and foremost I DO absolutely think about my children. You may be right with them being in a "wholesome" family but at what cost? Happy wife happy life. I am not happy. I am the exact opposite and I wonder if that will have more effect on my children than the "wholesome" family.

I would never keep him from his children. He loves his children more than life. I believe they are the only reason he stays.

 

@ RADU My first child is NOT my biological child. She is a family members child that I've had since she was 4 months old. So both and ALL of my biological children are from this man and vice versa. With that being said please don't make that your open forum to criticize my decision making skills further. Clearly I know that I did things in the wrong order and I am suffering the consequences for that.

 

My dilemma is I don't know which is better for my children. To allow my children to grow up around a loveless relationship or to grow up in a single parent home.

 

I want him to leave. This is absolutely what I want but he won't. I am actively looking for work. I have an interview tomorrow. However I don't mind him leaving before I find one.

 

Yes I do think he may be being unfaithful but at this point I don't care. I just want it to be over because he clearly doesn't love me enough to put a ring on it. I love him enough to want to be happy. He can't be happy while I am miserable in the same household.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm really confused here....

 

You love the guy enough to get married to him but you want him to leave and you aren't even sleeping together anymore after two kids?

 

You've sent yourself flowers to pretend you're cheating?

 

So much of this just sounds like a manipulative power play because you're hurt over his decision.

 

Why don't you try playing it straight with him for awhile.

 

Maybe give the guy a few more positives.

 

Plenty of guys aren't going to line up to be married to you if they think you're trying to manipulate them into it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Happy wife happy life. I am not happy. I am the exact opposite and I wonder if that will have more effect on my children than the "wholesome" family.

You describe a man who's (in your words) a great guy, hard-working provider and great father to your kids, including one that isn't his. And despite all this, you're not happy because he won't put a ring on your finger. Again I'll ask - what commitment does the license represent that your decision to jointly bring two kids into this world doesn't cover ???

 

With that being said please don't make that your open forum to criticize my decision making skills further. Clearly I know that I did things in the wrong order and I am suffering the consequences for that.

I'm not going to criticize your decision making skills. I am going to criticize your priorities . When you've got this many people depending on you, what you want sometimes takes a back seat. I don't see how becoming an unemployed single mother of 3 helps your children.

 

Happy wife happy life.

Way too much "me" in your thought process. Happy, secure, well-adjusted children, happy life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree that the OP is more than rightful to hold out high standards for her primary relationship. I honestly don't think she should settle for not being married if it means that much to her.

 

I wouldn't stay with someone longterm who wouldn't marry me.

 

But the limits set here have to be logically worked out, planned for and executed.

 

As well, her kids do need to be considered first.

 

How will she provide for them, how will separated parenting commence if she chooses to leave?

 

What is her timeline? Is the relationship salvageable through CPU selling or other means? Does she even want it? Or is this just the catalyst to an otherwise unworkable relationship issue that she hasn't articulated?

 

Because OP, not being married was good enough before. What changed?

[Lauriebell82]

Did you ever see the movie "He's Just Not into You?" I would recommend it. Jennifer Aniston's character is in the same situation, her live in boyfriend of 7 years doesn't want to get married, but loves her and wants to be with her. She breaks up with him but decides to get back with him and take marriage off the table. He then proposes when he moves back in.

 

I'm not saying that your boyfriend would do that. But he seems like a good guy, he loves you, supports you, wants to be with you. He won't leave you. He just doesn't want to be married. BUT. Who knows? Maybe if you completely took marriage off the table and tried to be happy with what you have, then he would come around. At this point he just thinks that all you want is a proposal/marriage and you don't actually want HIM (which it seems as though you do feel that way...)

 

If you can't accept that he doesn't want to get married, you need to leave. I would caution you though, that you would be throwing away a good guy.