I cheated, can he do whatever he wants?!?!

[NorCalSarah]

Hi all again, yes I cheated on my SO last March. Just once, because of his lack of attention to me. I moved out for a few months and moved back in, so we could work things out.

 

Problem is that he is using my affair as an excuse to do whatever he wants! He looks at porn, never been big deal to me. Now he is looking at women all the time and tells me to basically to get used to it." or "all men do it."

 

When I had cheated the OM was on the dating site I was registered on, I met him by coincadence, not because of my filed profile. I have since stopped doing all of that, including quting my job. OM worked with me for a while too.

 

Today I caught him looking at single "sex" ads in our area. He deleted the history on the comp so I couldnt see exactly what/where/Who. He uses the "I am not doing anything about it line." Commenting on my cheating.

 

I do not plan of leaving this person, just sick of the excusses. Since I cheated Months ago and he do this now???

[Paradise]

Trust is most important element in a relationship and it sounds like you 2 lost the trust.

I’m sure he is angry about your affair and that sounds like he is trying to get even.

I think you should move on and look for someone else, unless you can talk to him and work things out.

[honey2005]

He's probably still hurt about what you did to him and feels like this is a way to even up the score. Maybe the two of you need to get counseling if you want to try and save your marriage. You can't live the rest of your lives getting back at each other.

[jmargel]

You two need a good marriage counselor. Check this out: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t46941/

[Moose]

Hi all again, yes I cheated on my SO last March. Just once, because of his lack of attention to me. I moved out for a few months and moved back in, so we could work things out.

 

Because of HIS lack of attention, what a sad, selfish, sorry excuse. You know, next time you feel that you're not getting enough attention, dress up like a clown and walk out in your neighborhood and entertain the kids, don't go screwing someone. Do something more constructive will ya?

 

Lack of attention......that's what you should've worked on! You should've sat him down and talked to him instead of being selfish about your needs and going out to get you some.

 

Yeah, he's gonna feel like now he should be able to do whatever he wants, you opened that door for him. Here you are, not getting the attention you crave, so you just felt like, oh well, I'll just do whatever I want to do and go get some strange.

 

Paradise is right, the trust is gone. You don't have to end it though like paradise said. It can be worked out. But it's going to take communication, humility, and lots and lots of work. The thing about is that both of you, not just you and not just him, both of you have to give it 100% or you haven't got a chance.

 

Next time, talk to him.

[NorCalSarah]

It can be worked out. But it's going to take communication, humility, and lots and lots of work. The thing about is that both of you, not just you and not just him, both of you have to give it 100% or you haven't got a chance

.

 

Yes I agree with you that I should have tried more with him, than getting some attention from someone else. And thanks Paradise you're right.

 

But it has been months and I am wearing myself out by being humble, and trying to communicate. I have quit my job, stopped all contact with my friends. The only time I leave home without my SO is for errands or to excercise. I have been doing my 120%! Including personal, and couples therapy. With couples therapy it seems like we are good for a few days then it goes back to the same ol'.

 

So what am I supposed to do when he says he not going to stop doing things that hurt me. Such as: Looking at other women, and now looking at personals. When do I say enough is enough???

 

Yes I was the one that made the mistake. But I want a life, and his love too.

[Moose]

Sounds like you're sincere about working things out, kudos to ya!!

 

I'm sure that you've set him down and talked to him about how he hurts you, and it's obvious that it didn't work.

 

It's a big chance to do this, but let him know that you've done everything you can to regain his trust, and what he is doing right now is not helping you feel any better about it. So if he can't do his part to understand your sincerity, then you're going to move on.

 

Let him know that what he's doing right now is 10 times worse than the lack of attention that drove you to your infidelity in the first place. Ask him if it's his intentions are to drive you off, because if that's the case, you'll save him all the work and leave on your own.

 

As far as putting in your 120%, with the explanation mark behind it, sometimes in a marriage that's just the way it is. Especially since it's only been 5 months since the incident. He's going to look at other women. That's just how us men are. We are the hunters and it's in our blood to scout out the best specimens. Is he whistling, commenting, or approaching other women? The internet dating thing isn't right though. If he's a married man he has no business on a dating service.

 

I don't know how I would react if I found out my wife has cheated on me. I don't know if I could ever forgive her. Even though I know it would be mostly my fault, (Lack of attention, no romance, etc....),I know that I would be a little vendictive myself, but if she made it clear that it would never happen again, and would work on things with me, I would do my best to trust her again.

[NorCalSarah]

Thank You.

 

I know he is going to look at women and he is not going to stop. We had talked about this. I agreed to compromise if when he did look at other women he would put his arm around me, or something to help my insecuries. I thought that was something I could live with. He agreed. That has not happened. He even gets pissed off if I notice. HELLO, of course I will notice I am RIGHT NEXT to you.

 

As far as the personals, I do feel like he is getting me back because I was the first one to be on a dating site. I of course have quit that a LOOONG time ago. It mostly bothers me because he is looking at the "one night stand girls" in our area.

 

I am so frustrated, and he wont listen to me. Today when I made his lunch for work (as I have for years). I put a note in it saying how I felt and how if he wants me to leave I will. I do not like giving altomatums, but I'm at the end of my rope.

 

Thanks for the advise again.

[NorCalSarah]

Is he whistling, commenting, or approaching other women?

 

I forgot to answer that. No he does not talk to them, just gawks until the are out of eye site, meantime ignoring me. He came how with a number and address of a women, but swears she is 65 and he was just being nice taking it from her. If he has been drinking he comments, which pisses me off. Which confuses me because he gets angry because I am. He knew I was going to be upset, why should he be agry with me??

[mudobber]

My Dear Sarah,

 

May I suggest that you have a sincere talk with this man and find out how he feels about the alter. Express your sincere love for him and offer him your completeness, but let him know that you need him to give you his self as well, and ask him if he is capable of that.

 

It would not hurt to one more time; express that you are very, very sorry for hurting him, but that you will make it up to him for a lifetime if given the chance.

 

So many beautiful relationships go by the way side because people are too proud to make the basic communication exchanges. Like:

_________________________________________________________

You hurt me.

I am sorry I hurt you. Will you forgive me?

I know that you feel hurt at times, please let me know when you do so I can try to help.

Please let me make it better.

I love you for eternity, please love me back.

I forgive you, and would never hold my love from you.

I will be a good wife for you; will you be a good husband for me?

_________________________________________________________

 

Notice the basic words. I, You, Hurt, Forgive, Sorry, Love, Eternity, Wife, Husband, help, make it better… You can find all those words in the old Beatles tunes.

 

Nothing complicated here… There is no mention of faults, we all have those.

 

Use his name a-lot and use a-lot of eye contact. I can promise you Sarah, if you do and say those things and he blows it, then he will be kicking himself in the behind for the rest of his life. He may even turn to alcohol and drugs to try and forget you. But he would never be able to forgive himself for not forgiving you.

[NorCalSarah]

Thank you Mud, That is soo very helpful. I have used a few but as a whole that is great advise.

And thank to everyone else too.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by Moose

Because of HIS lack of attention, what a sad, selfish, sorry excuse. You know, next time you feel that you're not getting enough attention, dress up like a clown and walk out in your neighborhood and entertain the kids, don't go screwing someone. Do something more constructive will ya?

 

Lack of attention......that's what you should've worked on! You should've sat him down and talked to him instead of being selfish about your needs and going out to get you some.

 

Yeah, he's gonna feel like now he should be able to do whatever he wants, you opened that door for him. Here you are, not getting the attention you crave, so you just felt like, oh well, I'll just do whatever I want to do and go get some strange.

 

Paradise is right, the trust is gone. You don't have to end it though like paradise said. It can be worked out. But it's going to take communication, humility, and lots and lots of work. The thing about is that both of you, not just you and not just him, both of you have to give it 100% or you haven't got a chance.

 

Next time, talk to him.

 

Oh Moose. Sigh.

 

Listen hon, it's not an excuse. He does not get to do whatever he wants. He does not get to threaten, belittle or hurt you. Especially since you moved out, then back in. You do not have to kill yourself to regain his love and affection. If he isn't trusting you now, chances are he never will. Sometimes it's just easier to get out while you can. Don't make a martyr out of yourself.

[mudobber]

I agree with the crazy looking Spock on the "Don't make a martyr out of yourself."

 

From your post I do read that it's not a trust thing but a rubberneck l@@king thing.

 

The guy got his world shook up some, and being young, he may not be able to discern the value of your relationship.

 

But don’t just dump him yet, give him some honest strait forward communication. And if he does not grow up soon. Then dump him, but keep your heart open in case he has a change of heart. When he comes crawling back, give him the ultimatum. “Grow up now and lets plan for the future or I am going to have to move on”.

 

That co-hab thing… In the back of your minds you are both in limbo about the future. Solidify that future with some real vows, and maybe, just maybe, the guy will stop thinking that he is available.

 

In other words… stop playing games and get married.