win the Lottery and Ride Into Sunset with AP?

[krazikat]

I saw a post on the other sides board today that basically said that they believed if the mm/mw won a large lottery, they would ride off into happiness with the AP...to me this just shows how some ap's just dont get it! Marriage is not just about money...there is history, family, possibly children...in my situation I definately dont think my wh would abandon all for his ap, but she was not someone he would typically have a serious real relationship with...

 

I am sure there are some who would, but based on all the research I have done since dday, I think it would be few. What do you ls peeps think?

Edited March 31, 2013 by krazikat

[seren]

I am sure some A's would see the WS ride off into the sunset with the AP if they won the lottery, but my view is that if it just money preventing them being together it doesn't sound like the big love story it is meant to portray.

 

I think people who think money or the lack of, prevents a WS from leaving is just another of the excuses used to justify why a WS doesn't leave. If someone is so much in love with their AP, I cannot see how they can maintain the illusion they paint at home of being in the marriage, while loving another, nor could I imagine them not wanting to be with the AP all the time. When I met and fell in love with my H we couldn't have enough time together even though we were with each other each day and night.

 

Money, housing, children were never an issue for my H, had he wanted to leave we both could have had independent lives, he stayed because he wanted to, simple as that. However, not many people would want to admit that the WS stays for love, so the lottery scenario is just one of the excuses IMHO, for them staying or not leaving.

[Decorative]

We had a thread about that recently here- I wish I could remember the title.

 

Anyway- what I said then was that money was not an issue in our situation. My spouse could have walked away with OW, and money would not have been an issue at all.

 

But still - he never wanted to leave, and when I kicked him out, he fought to save our marriage.

 

I think some people like to imagine obstacles to soothe an injured psyche.

 

I think it's human nature.

 

But the truth is- the people who want to leave- do. Hopefully they do it prior to the choice of deception in an affair, but if they want to leave, they make it happen.

[Furious]

Lotteries: what are the odds and probability of 6 numbers out of 49

Answer: 1 in 13,983,816.

 

Being killed by lightning: 1 in 56,439.

 

Odds of dying by a flesh eating disease: I in one million

 

Odds of dying by a snake bite: 1 in 12,241,661.

 

I guess my husband isn't going anywhere with those odds:D

[2sunny]

First - half of the winnings would be owned by the BS - at least in community property states.

 

So the non cheating spouse gets half!

 

The OW gets the booby prize if she ends up with the cheater.

[krazikat]

We had a thread about that recently here- I wish I could remember the title.

 

Anyway- what I said then was that money was not an issue in our situation. My spouse could have walked away with OW, and money would not have been an issue at all.

 

But still - he never wanted to leave, and when I kicked him out, he fought to save our marriage.

 

I think some people like to imagine obstacles to soothe an injured psyche.

 

I think it's human nature.

 

But the truth is- the people who want to leave- do. Hopefully they do it prior to the choice of deception in an affair, but if they want to leave, they make it happen.

 

I completely agree... because it seems imo that many ap's who knowingly enter into a relationship with a mm/mw seem to convince themselves they must be the one the mp really wants, and come up with many justifications of why the mp wont leave the marriage. I am sure there are cases where money or image etc. may be a factor but those dont seem the norm...the mp just wants a little something extra and will just say what they want to feed the ap want they need to hear to justify what they are doing. I was stunned to hear what my wh told his ap, and more stunned that she believed it...smh

[Jonah]

Well yes... it could happen that way.

 

There was once a beauty I shared an apartment with... she showed me a little affection and I fell for her. Long story short, one day we were riding around... ended up going in on some lottery tickets with the drawing being the next day. That evening she had a guy over for the night and I felt... a bit hurt and mischievous. The next morning I went out early, looked at the newspaper and bought one more ticket. Back to the apartment slipped the ticket in the stack.

Later my sweet darling roommate called just ecstatic! We won! we won! Wanted me (not the other guy) to go cash it in with her. I was like nahh - you ain't fooling me. But she kept calling me at work so I told her that money would ruin her life and I wanted no part of it. A few hours later I worried that she would be taking off with her guy charging up credit cards on the way to cash it in. So I called her and told her to check the date. Her parents were there with her waiting for me when I got home. I was like, hey, she was the happiest she would ever be in those hours she thought she was queen!

 

About a year later she called and I was naturally glad to hear from this lass I would never get over. We caught dinner and she stayed the night. Gone before morning and I just thought I was king of the world! ...until later at the Perkins when I opened my wallet to pay the check. I had to smile. She got the last laugh. I wonder where she is now?

[thefooloftheyear]

I saw a post on the other sides board today that basically said that they believed if the mm/mw won a large lottery, they would ride off into happiness with the AP...to me this just shows how some ap's just dont get it! Marriage is not just about money...there is history, family, possibly children...in my situation I definately dont think my wh would abandon all for his ap, but she was not someone he would typically have a serious real relationship with...

 

I am sure there are some who would, but based on all the research I have done since dday, I think it would be few. What do you ls peeps think?

 

 

As the one who started the thread on the other board, let me clarify a few things.

 

It isnt my opinion that they would "ride off into the sunset"..I was just wondering if they would? The reason being is that of the few people that I know that did run away from their marriages and left with their affair partners, the one common denominator was that these folks were wealthy.

 

It could go both ways. Much of it probably depends on the status of the marriage while the affair was taking place. If the marriage was "dead" then likely they would go to the AP. Or maybe just go to themselves, who knows?

 

TFOY

[Spotme]

Money was not a factor for my H. We could have split and both lived comfortable lives without digging into retirement savings or our daughter's college fund. Also, the OW would have been completely willing to be his sugar momma if he didn't have money, though he had seen enough of her messed up issues with using money in her relationships with other people to know that would not end well.

 

I have to say, he did become obsessed with money during the affair, perhaps influenced by the OW's money issues. He would ask me when he would ever feel like we had "enough" money (which was crazy given our financial situation). It may also have been that he was feeling insecure knowing that his actions might bring his whole world crashing down around him and feeling insecure about money was a representation of that.

[Decorative]

Money was not a factor for my H. We could have split and both lived comfortable lives without digging into retirement savings or our daughter's college fund. Also, the OW would have been completely willing to be his sugar momma if he didn't have money, though he had seen enough of her messed up issues with using money in her relationships with other people to know that would not end well.

 

I have to say, he did become obsessed with money during the affair, perhaps influenced by the OW's money issues. He would ask me when he would ever feel like we had "enough" money (which was crazy given our financial situation). It may also have been that he was feeling insecure knowing that his actions might bring his whole world crashing down around him and feeling insecure about money was a representation of that.

 

My spouse did, too. In retrospect, he made comments about money towards me that made no sense. He became tighter with money and would make comments about spending- on things that were not an issue prior.

[MissBee]

I saw a post on the other sides board today that basically said that they believed if the mm/mw won a large lottery, they would ride off into happiness with the AP...to me this just shows how some ap's just dont get it! Marriage is not just about money...there is history, family, possibly children...in my situation I definately dont think my wh would abandon all for his ap, but she was not someone he would typically have a serious real relationship with...

 

I am sure there are some who would, but based on all the research I have done since dday, I think it would be few. What do you ls peeps think?

 

I started replying to the initial thread but will respond here instead. I was actually gonna comment in the initial that maybe WSs should be asked this question and not OW/OM.

 

I don't believe most people stay married for financial reasons or "go back" for such. First off...."going back" implies that a BS has no say. That simply because a WS decides to "go back", they are allowed to do so and the case is settled. No. For some, maybe it's that seamless but it seems esp from reading here, that A LOT of work goes into reconciling successfully, and I'm like, who has the time to do all that if they are staying with someone for financial reasons?

 

So many people are divorced, in second, third marriages and somehow are living their life without being financially ruined. They had to be uncomfortable for a while maybe, but ruined, no. So it's a pretty lame reason to "go back." Esp since lots of married couples in this day and age have 2 breadwinners and people who came together with their own career and money, it seems like finances would be a factor but not THE factor. For me, I'm not married yet, but I have never thought about that. I know logistically when married we will be sharing financial responsibilities, but I also know I will always have my own money and career and will be able to maintain a decent life on my own, so if I am that unhappy I can't imagine money would be an incentive to stay. I am making SURE that won't be the case.

 

I am sure some couples feel stuck with each other for financial reasons...but usually there are other reasons tied up in it. Because where there is a will, there is a way! So usually if one is staying for finances it's bullshyt. A person who wants to leave will try to find a way to mitigate the financial damage they are imagining, so that they can eventually leave. But for someone to simply lay down and say "I can NEVER leave this person because of finances" seems pretty lame and pretty ridiculous. So no...I don't buy that the majority of WSs stay married because of finances. I am of the mind that most were not planning an A as an exit...but a clandestine addition. Maybe some do fall inlove and really start thinking about leaving, but it seems when reality hits, they do not in fact want to leave their lives and when they "go back" many actually put in work with their M. Those who fall inlove and do want to leave find a way to do so...finances, kids and all.

[Silly_Girl]

Not sure about affairs but I've known several couples say they'd split if they could afford to. Of those one was my parents, one was my best friend's parents. My best friend's parents just divorced anyway, they're about 58 years old.

 

So I can see there might be cases where an influx of money would make a difference to whether the marriage continues.

[Act Two]

I get irritated when I read that finances are used as a big excuse not to leave. It's all well and good that so many are wealthy enough to be able to split one household into two without breaking a sweat, but I know that's not the case for me. There are statistics that show the divorce rate goes down when the economy is bad; not sure that is related to infidelity but not everyone has the money to split and stay out of financial ruin.

 

I can't say I would have "ridden into the sunset" with exAP if I won the lottery, but at the height of the affair if I had been able to financially set up my own household I would have left. I refused to move in directly with exOM even though financially it would have been better.

 

Now, my husband and I are supposedly divorcing, are not reconciling, but living in the same house (functioning like Bert and Ernie). Ironically, finances were one of our constant sources of pain, and here they are keeping us "together." Someone mentioned where there is a will there is a way; that may be true and my husband and I have tried a creative option of birds nest custody to try to move on with our lives but that proved to be very difficult. We'll see what happens next.

[krazikat]

As the one who started the thread on the other board, let me clarify a few things.

 

It isnt my opinion that they would "ride off into the sunset"..I was just wondering if they would? The reason being is that of the few people that I know that did run away from their marriages and left with their affair partners, the one common denominator was that these folks were wealthy.

 

It could go both ways. Much of it probably depends on the status of the marriage while the affair was taking place. If the marriage was "dead" then likely they would go to the AP. Or maybe just go to themselves, who knows?

 

TFOY

 

Thank you for clarifying...I think it is an interesting topic which is why I brought it on over here. I am sure there would be some who would, but I dont believe it would be the majority. I have come to the conclusion that many ap's find a way to justify what they are doing and the relationship they have with mp, and money is a common reason given, along with kids. However, if a mp really wants out of a marriage, they will leave the marriage in most circumstances. Unfortuantely, instead of wanting to leave the mp may instead begin a emr to try and make themselves happier and when caught, they then try to save the marriage...even tho in some cases they still try to maintain the emr after being caught...smh while trying to convince the spouse it was all a mistake.

 

But I do believe if the mp really wants out of the marriage, they will get out, regardless of money, kids, etc.

[MissBee]

I think staying together and living together as roommates to share financial burdens are different things.

 

A friend of mine had a house with his girlfriend, they broke up, well he broke it off with her after he found out she was having an EA. He didn't have the money to up and move, neither did she, so they continued living together, but had separate bedrooms and dated other people. They both knew they were free to date whomever and the living situation was purely out of need until each of them could divide their assets and move out on their own. That seems smart and sensible. They weren't forced to "be together"...just live together. They did not need to lie to each other or pretend to be a couple or anything. An aunt of mine also did this with her husband. They were separated and he lived in a basement apartment at their home, in fact, he continued living there even after she remarried LOL! That part was a bit much for me. But point is, logistically he couldn't move and neither could she, but they made it CLEAR they were no longer in a romantic relationship and everyone knew this and she eventually divorced (even though he still lived there) and had a new husband until she and her new husband moved states and her exH sorted out his life. No lies or pretense, even though neither could have upped and left.

 

That's what I don't get. I understand completely logistically not being able to afford to move right now and all those kinds of things...but I don't understand how that equates to having a forced or pretend emotional relationship. If one is truly unhappy and done with one's marriage but cannot leave right away...is it that you will NEVER be able to leave? I find that idea kind of insane. At no point in your life do you think you can work towards being independent even if not right now? Okay. People who want to leave don't do it because they are so rich or don't care about money. They care about their well-being and thus, even if today or in 3 months they can't, it's an actual goal they are looking towards. They also choose to set their parameters and boundaries with their spouse/SO, like my friend and aunt did, and others do as well, and make them know that they eventually plan to change things. I think that is wise. But to "go back" or stay married, just because of finances, with no vision of ever changing that, or simply going through the motions of an emotional relationship seems like a waste of time. I know it is not easy...but life isn't easy. Welcome to it. And a lot of what we want can only come to fruition by taking risks. You can't have things handed to you or expect perfection. So if you want to leave...then you'll find out how to do so. If not...you're content enough as is.

Edited April 1, 2013 by MissBee

[underwater2010]

I say good riddance. Just remember that I get my half when the divorce is final.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

My parents divorced after a very long marriage (we were all adults) and definitely finances had a great deal to do with why they stayed together so long.

 

Also, a dear friend of mine who has been married over 30 years said on more than one occasion she almost got divorced from her husband partly because she said he treated her meanly (especially when he drank). I don't know if there has been any PA's or not, I know of one EA on his part and one on hers, but when I asked her why they didn't divorce, she said she couldn't afford it. She was always a stay at home mom, was not college educated (although very bright) and was afraid. They also had financial problems, almost losing their house twice so, yes, she stayed for sure because she felt she couldn't afford to divorce.

 

I believe many married men stay for that reason. After my affair, my husband saw an attorney immediately and he came home pissed because he realized that the state we live in was no-fault and the attorney matter of factly told him, 50/50 split down the middle - debt and all (assuming there was no negotiation). He was so angry he could spit and even tried to have me sign papers a few weeks after D-Day abdicating my rights to anything - I refused of course.

 

And now with my husband's affair, I sometimes think that if he felt like he could really afford it he would go.

 

I also think that when you get to a certain point financially, men cannot stand the thought have having their "toys" taken away from them - having to pay possible child support, possible alimony, etc. It is better to stay in an okay situation and be comfortable financially- at least it's familiar. Leaving for the OW, not knowing if the relationship will really work out AND losing much of what he has worked for is not palatable at all.

 

I agree that if there is wealth involved, it might be easier possibly if you knew your lifestyle wouldn't be interrupted and would be unchanged.

 

Just my .02 cents

Edited April 1, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Act Two]

I think staying together and living together as roommates to share financial burdens are different things.

 

A friend of mine had a house with his girlfriend, they broke up, well he broke it off with her after he found out she was having an EA. He didn't have the money to up and move, neither did she, so they continued living together, but had separate bedrooms and dated other people. They both knew they were free to date whomever and the living situation was purely out of need until each of them could divide their assets and move out on their own. That seems smart and sensible. They weren't forced to "be together"...just live together. They did not need to lie to each other or pretend to be a couple or anything. An aunt of mine also did this with her husband. They were separated and he lived in a basement apartment at their home, in fact, he continued living there even after she remarried LOL! That part was a bit much for me. But point is, logistically he couldn't move and neither could she, but they made it CLEAR they were no longer in a romantic relationship and everyone knew this and she eventually divorced (even though he still lived there) and had a new husband until she and her new husband moved states and her exH sorted out his life. No lies or pretense, even though neither could have upped and left.

 

That's what I don't get. I understand completely logistically not being able to afford to move right now and all those kinds of things...but I don't understand how that equates to having a forced or pretend emotional relationship. If one is truly unhappy and done with one's marriage but cannot leave right away...is it that you will NEVER be able to leave? I find that idea kind of insane. At no point in your life do you think you can work towards being independent even if not right now? Okay. People who want to leave don't do it because they are so rich or don't care about money. They care about their well-being and thus, even if today or in 3 months they can't, it's an actual goal they are looking towards. They also choose to set their parameters and boundaries with their spouse/SO, like my friend and aunt did, and others do as well, and make them know that they eventually plan to change things. I think that is wise. But to "go back" or stay married, just because of finances, with no vision of ever changing that, or simply going through the motions of an emotional relationship seems like a waste of time. I know it is not easy...but life isn't easy. Welcome to it. And a lot of what we want can only come to fruition by taking risks. You can't have things handed to you or expect perfection. So if you want to leave...then you'll find out how to do so. If not...you're content enough as is.

 

Right, and that's where we are headed, in terms of working out a plan to have two separate households. Over the past year my husband took a part-time job on top of his regular job and I started teaching a university in addition to my regular job so that we could be in a better financial position. The housing market is starting to pick up again so that it might be possible to sell or at least re-fi one of us off the mortgage. I don't see us living like this indefinitely, and we are both working hard. I'm just not moving my kids into a one bedroom apartment anytime soon when they are used to their home, neighborhood and friends. Yes, things change with divorce but I'm not going to financially ruin us and neither will my husband. Plus, they won't be in braces forever, right?

 

It's obviously not going to be healthy though to live for very long in a house where we are not meeting each other's emotional or sexual needs to name a few. I think it would be a better model for us to live separately and then date rather than while living together. A friend of mine is pretty much doing this right now as she and her husband are divorcing but can't afford two houses, but she is openly dating another man. It is very confusing for her teenage daughter.

 

Bottom line though, it rolls off the tongue easily but logistically, not always so especially where children are involved.

[thefooloftheyear]

Right, and that's where we are headed, in terms of working out a plan to have two separate households. Over the past year my husband took a part-time job on top of his regular job and I started teaching a university in addition to my regular job so that we could be in a better financial position. The housing market is starting to pick up again so that it might be possible to sell or at least re-fi one of us off the mortgage. I don't see us living like this indefinitely, and we are both working hard. I'm just not moving my kids into a one bedroom apartment anytime soon when they are used to their home, neighborhood and friends. Yes, things change with divorce but I'm not going to financially ruin us and neither will my husband. Plus, they won't be in braces forever, right?

 

It's obviously not going to be healthy though to live for very long in a house where we are not meeting each other's emotional or sexual needs to name a few. I think it would be a better model for us to live separately and then date rather than while living together. A friend of mine is pretty much doing this right now as she and her husband are divorcing but can't afford two houses, but she is openly dating another man. It is very confusing for her teenage daughter.

 

Bottom line though, it rolls off the tongue easily but logistically, not always so especially where children are involved.

 

 

I would have to say that would be VERY tough...

 

How do you interact on a daily basis? But hey, if it works out that is all that matters.

 

I guess that is where the lottery question comes into play. Now, you two can go on your merry way(at least as pleasant a divorce can be-its never 100%). Kids can stay and continue to live the lifestyle(even better).

 

It does make you wonder.

 

TFOY

[krazikat]

Right, and that's where we are headed, in terms of working out a plan to have two separate households. Over the past year my husband took a part-time job on top of his regular job and I started teaching a university in addition to my regular job so that we could be in a better financial position. The housing market is starting to pick up again so that it might be possible to sell or at least re-fi one of us off the mortgage. I don't see us living like this indefinitely, and we are both working hard. I'm just not moving my kids into a one bedroom apartment anytime soon when they are used to their home, neighborhood and friends. Yes, things change with divorce but I'm not going to financially ruin us and neither will my husband. Plus, they won't be in braces forever, right?

 

It's obviously not going to be healthy though to live for very long in a house where we are not meeting each other's emotional or sexual needs to name a few. I think it would be a better model for us to live separately and then date rather than while living together. A friend of mine is pretty much doing this right now as she and her husband are divorcing but can't afford two houses, but she is openly dating another man. It is very confusing for her teenage daughter.

 

Bottom line though, it rolls off the tongue easily but logistically, not always so especially where children are involved.

 

But the difference here and in many of the other examples was the intent to divorce...not staying and "pretending" to love someone or r...that is the theme I am catching. Or maybe I am missing something?

 

Of course nothing pertains to everyone, but when you have a ws who is giving the reason for not leaving as money, yet they are living in their marriage as if they love their bs, that is different then a mutual decision to stay in the same home until they can break free...but still in most situations divorce would not break someone...I could easily walk away if that was my desire and not give 2 monkeys for the finances. Everyone that I know who wanted a divorce have divorced. Even my mother, who was a home maker with 7 kids and never worked, divorced her spouse when she had enough. She kept the house, got 2 jobs, and never looked back.

[Act Two]

I just don't understand why it's so difficult to understand as a deterrent for leaving a marriage. Statistics show that children of divorce are far more likely to grow up in poverty. I'm sure many WS aren't purely evil people who want to subject their children or families to financial hardship.

 

Note that I'm not defending a cake-eating WS in staying in a marriage and keeping an affair going. I'm simply saying that for every anecdote about people who aren't held back by money there are probably examples of others who are.

[krazikat]

I just don't understand why it's so difficult to understand as a deterrent for leaving a marriage. Statistics show that children of divorce are far more likely to grow up in poverty. I'm sure many WS aren't purely evil people who want to subject their children or families to financial hardship.

 

Note that I'm not defending a cake-eating WS in staying in a marriage and keeping an affair going. I'm simply saying that for every anecdote about people who aren't held back by money there are probably examples of others who are.

 

Statistics...ah the numbers don't lie...or do they? It all depends on the sample used to determine those statistics...and like I said...not everything pertains to every one. However, it is unlikely that a family that is doing well financially while married will slip into poverty divorced. Sure, they will be some who just might slip there, but it is unlikely. Impact to kids...sure...but what message does it send to kids when the parents are fighting, cheating...etc. Kids aren't stupid, and the older they get the more they will catch on. My husband and I are living comfortably now...and should we divorce? Still comfortable. What I learned from my mother taking her stand and leaving an abusive husband even tho she had to work 2 jobs to support her 7 kids was how to be a strong person, how to work for what you want, and not giving up. Not bad lessons to learn, and it has helped me be who I am today.

 

There are ALWAYS exceptions to every rule...but seriously, if the marriage is that bad, many people will not stay.

[stevie_23]

Well, my ex-MM and I often said if he won the lottery, he'd leave his home there. He had wanted to leave before we even got together though, but was stuck due to financial restrictions. He had no financial issues before getting together with his now-wife, but in doing so, he took on HER financial issues and thus lost his income and savings. So he was stuck there in a way.

 

He said if he won the lottery, he'd leave, get his own place in Vermont (not New Jersey which he hated but had to live because of his situation - his wife never wants to move) and then come and visit me to see how we went, if we still felt the same, etc...and then we'd see what happened. If it was all good, he'd want to live with me, provide for me, etc.

[Act Two]

My husband and I are living comfortably now...and should we divorce? Still comfortable. .

 

That's nice for you. Really, it is. But that is not the reality for many, many people.

 

Google financial effects of divorce on children. There have been many longitudinal studies done to measure how children are negatively impacted financially by divorce.

 

Again, I'm not sure why it's difficult- take one pool of money and now instantly divide into two to cover two households. Not easy for most people.

[krazikat]

That's nice for you. Really, it is. But that is not the reality for many, many people.

 

Google financial effects of divorce on children. There have been many longitudinal studies done to measure how children are negatively impacted financially by divorce.

 

Again, I'm not sure why it's difficult- take one pool of money and now instantly divide into two to cover two households. Not easy for most people.

 

Let me clarify: I am far from rich. But I live within my means. That may also play a role.

 

And if we want to keep talking about the negative impact divorce has on children, then we should also take into account the negative impact affairs have on children...or do we wish to avoid that? We could go further and explore the negative impact on children when their parents are miserable, even fighting all the time or just cold awkward silence? Every single.thing in the home has an impact on children , good and bad things.

 

Also, in most cases it would not be splitting it all to cover two households exactly...now, if the one leaving plans on buying the same house and having all the same expenses, then yes, there is the bigger financial impact. But is is not all 50/50. Maybe there will be alimony and child support and property and debt split, but your idea of 2 households with same expenses is flawed. Again, in some cases, yes. But not the majority. If someone wants to leave a marriage, is absolutely miserable, wants a relationship...a real one, with the ap...they will leave. There are examples of this everywhere...look at how high divorce rates are!