My Story, would like your thoughts

[lovely221]

Ok here's my story. WARNING:It's long...

 

My ex and I have been split up for almost 3 months now. I met him at work and we became good friends last November. We would always talk and flirt at work but that was it. One night last March I called him and we got into a big dicussion about relationships. It seemed we were both looking for the same sort of thing(nothing real serious but someone to spend time with). A week or so later we went out to dinner and things really progressed from there. Soon after, we began dating.

We started spending a lot of time together. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't see him. Just a little over 3 weeks into our relationship he told me how strongly he felt for me. He then asked me if being with him was something I really wanted at this point in my life(I'm 21, he's 25). I was a little freaked out, but told him that I did want to be with him.

We started arguing quite a bit over really petty things. I started to get the feeling he didn't really trust me as much as he said he did. I have a lot of male friends, many of whom are people I used to date, and he never really seemed ok with that. He said he was but I don't think he ever was. He seemed especially unhappy about my friendship with my ex before him. My ex before him was basically my first love. I had basically had an on again/off relationship with this guy and it had just ended for good a few months before I met my current ex. Anyways, this was something I could sense really bothered him.

I guess I should explain a little background about my ex. He's comes across as a very conident guy, but deep down I think he's very insecure. Wel in fact I guess I know he is. I believe he takes anti depressant medication. When we were together he would constantly say things to me like "You're so pretty, why are you with me?" He also asked me on several occasions to please not hurt him. I am only the second person he's ever told he loved and his ex before me absolutely broke his heart. She cheated on him.

A month into our relationship he was already telling me he loved me and vise versa. This sort of freaked both of us out but he told me he would never say it if he didn't mean it. Things seemed to be going well. He would tell he how gld he was to have found me and even took me home to meet his family and friends. 2 and a half months into our relationship we were still arguing quite a bit from time to time but would make up quickly. One night I started to have doubts about the relationship. I felt like things had moved way too fast and I was afraid of being hurt. I'd only had one other semi serious relationship my whole life and I got my heart broken. I got in touch with him that night and told him that I was having doubts and needed some space. He freaked out! He asked me why I was doing this to him and told me I needed to be more careful with people's feelings. I didn't really know what to say to him. He sent me an email telling me how much he cared for me and how upset he was by my doubts.

I stayed up all night thinking and the next day asked him if I could come over to talk. I went to his place and when I got there he told me that I didn't love him and he didn't think we should be together at that time. I left devestated. We stayed broken up for 2 days and then he got in touch with me. He told me he really wanted to get back together, but wanted to talk about things first. Well we basically just got back together and never really talked about what happened. Things seemed pretty normal, with the exception of him no longer telling me he loved me. He told me it was something he needed to feel comfortable saying again, which I understood. He was still very loving with me and acted pretty much the same as before we broke up. We stopped arguing and things seemed to be getting back to normal. 2 weeks after we got back together I went out of town. I was gone 2 days when I heard from him. He tells me he has mixed feelings about us and hasn't felt the same about us since the first time we broke up. We talk and break up again. I was once again devestated and completely confused.

A week later when I returned home I went over to his place to talk. He told me that he he was confused about how he felt for me and that I could do better, that I shouldn't want to be with him right now. He tells me I wouldn't understand what he's going through. He continues to tell me how confused he is. He then asks me if he cane have another week apart as like a trial period I guess. I ask him if he wants me to give up on him and find someone else and he says no. He tells me he doesn't want me to wait around for him, but he doesn't want me to give up on him either. A week passes and he calls me and tells me he feels we should just be friends. He says we are too different and don't really like the same sort of things. He can no longer be my boyfriend. I was totally confused and still am to this day. I just don't understand how people's feelings can go back and forth like that. I just don't understand. We ended on bad terms, were friends again for a VERY short time, and I just started no contact with him 2 weeks ago.

[mighty bop]

The first thing you should do is break all that into readable paragraphs please

 

 

Chris

[Papillon]

Tan-tarra-raaa-taaa!

 

 

Dyermaker to the rescue!

[lovely221]

I'm so sorry! I tried to break it up but something is wrong with my computer and for some reason it won't let me. Sorry!

[backspn]

First off...another woman broke his heart and he basically has no trust in love or in women at this point. My personal opinion is that he is waiting for you to save him. If you want to do this you will have t o become his friend again. He is probably really hurt and does not trust anyone. I know how he feels cause I kinda feel the same now. The only person I would trust at this point is my ex...cause I know she still cares for me. It sounds strange but its true. When someone cheats on another or tells that person that he/she is having doubts and want to split...its sending them a message. That message is received different ways. In my experience, women tend to take the offensive when a break up occurs.....that way they are in control and dont get hurt as much. It sux but it happens. When you have been dumped it destoys your moral and your feeling of self being. You have no confidence in yourself or others......for a while. Try to regain his trust and become friends again. He doesnt want to get hurt again and I doubt he is seeing anyone else. You can do it. Take the initiative and be there for him. Put the trust back into his life....trust me.....he will appreciate it. Hope this helps.

[prevch]

Interesting story and you're right it is long. Well first off This guy has some mental issues as all people do ages 25 and under. In fact, most people have some sort of weird debilatating mental thingy

Anywho, I say continue no contact. Give it some time. Both of you need time to get your heads cleared. I am doing no contact with my ex right now and let me tall ya it is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done!!! Period! However, it is helping me clear my head. You have to start on the ground floor unfortunately. Start fresh and see what happens. Give no contact a good 30 day period and then talk to him as an unbiased friend. Then fate will be on your side. rebuild the trust in your relationship and then you will hopefully be able to fix it if that is indeed what you want.

 

I hope everything works out for you hun

[lovely221]

Thanks so much bckspn and prevch for your responces! bckspn are you saying when I told him I was having doubts that it "clicked" something inside of him? Also he has been out of his past relationship for a year now. You think that even though it had been a while that that past heartbreak sort of played into our breakup?

[prevch]

I would not doubt it. Any breakup is hard but when you date someone for along time and break up you have baggage no matter what.

[backspn]

Right....it could have been a "rebound" relationship. Those almost never work out. Im not saying you cant work it out with him. Did you talk with him after the break? Or has it been NC since then?

[lovely221]

Well I'm hoping it wasn't a "rebound" relationship. I tend to believe it wasn't but who knows. He had been out of his past relationship for almost a year when we began dating and told me once that while he was over his ex, he probably wasn't completely over what happened and how it affected him. I definetly think now that it played some part in our split. Do you guys think that by me telling him I was having doubt and asking for some space that he then and there decided our relationship wouldn't work? Do you think he was afraid I was going to break his heart so he decided to end the relationship before I could?

[lovely221]

backspn it hasn't been NC since the split. We split almost 3 months ago and I just started NC 2 weeks ago. When he broke up with me the second time I was so upset that I really got into it with him and we ended on very bad terms. We didn't have much contact after that, if we did we usually just argued. A month after the split I told him I would like to be friends. He acted like he was happy about that but never showed me any sign that he actually wanted to be friends. 2 weeks ago I started NC after I called him and we talked about the state of our relationship. I told me he needed to show me some sign that he actually wanted to be my friend. He got really defensive and said that he "needed more time"(don't understand this),that we didn't end on good terms, and that once he got back into a "routine" he definetly wanted to hang out. I kind of lashed out at him and told him he needed to grow up. He became angry and once again things didn't end so well. I have maintained NC since that night. I let him a final message that night letting him know that I truly cared for him but felt pushed away. I see him at work and talk to him about "work related" things but that's it. We've only worked together a few times in the last few weeks and I just catch him taking little peeks at me every now and then. Another coworker did tell me that last week when I was working he did come up to her and ask "Has she said anything?" I really don't know what else to do, if I should do anything else.

[backspn]

I definitely think that he did a pre-emptive break so you wouldnt break his heart. Not saying you would have. I think the fact that you didnt do the NC at the start might hurt you now. Me and my ex are still the best of friends even after 6 months since the split, so I dont think it will affect my chances. Ok......prev is right then....you need to move on and do your own thing and make him realize that you're happy without him. As a guy...if we do the breaking up we dont want a girl who is clingy...backoff and give him some time. Try not to run into him at work and if you do see him act like your busy. Do this for a while. Dont email him, dont call him, dont text him. One more thing too.....in my experience women like to figure things out....you cant!!! Dont tell him to grow up!! The last thing he wants to hear is nagging. Just leave him alone for now. Sounds like he is interested but he still needs you to grow up yourself. In about a month from now if you dont hear from him then maybe you can send him a text saying Hi. One last thing....when he asks your friend "has she said anything" and she tells you....seem indifferent to it. This really does work. If you guys do talk in the next few weeks and he asks to talk or hang out....tell him you are really busy but you would like to later when things slow down. Guys enjoy the challenge too just like girls do. Spend time with family....it will help for the next month. Hope this helps for now.

[lovely221]

Thanks backspn! I worked with him again earlier today and he tried to strike up conversation a few times. We both made little signs for work that hang up in the front and he came up to me and says "Did you know that we colored ours the same color?" I said "No but that's weird" and he then goes "I don't think so". We also have mutual friends coming in town this weekend and he basically insinuated that we should all go have a drink. I didn't answer him one way or the other. Is he trying to be my friend now?

[backspn]

I think he is trying to repair the bond.....he might just be doing this to save his ego....he doent want to be the bad guy. Its hard to say...I dont know him so I dont know if he is really trying to be your friend or more. I would say whatever you are doing is working and keep it up. By that I mean dont always take his call, dont always sit down to talk. You have to seem too busy for him sometimes. Remember...he wanted the space so give him plenty. I am giving my girl more than she wanted cause I want her to miss me, and its working. But just cause its working doesnt mean I am going to stop. Keep the NC unless at work and you have to....he will seperate the two differences eventually the he will be ready to come back to you. Hope this works

[doubledown]

I can't tell where your story about your previous EX ends and your new EX begins. You start with "a little background" and it never seemed to get back to the current EX.

 

Very confusing.

 

You need to add some verbage like "and now back to the original story about EX from work."

[lovely221]

Sorry doubledown. The whole story is about my current ex except for the last 2-3 sentences in the first paragraph.