"Homewrecker" - lazy terminology?

[Decorative]

But isn't that more out of the concern for the married party?

Like the married party would get in trouble if anyone knew.

 

Because it's wrong?

 

That's the best thing about doing the right thing.

 

You don't get in trouble for it!

Easy peasy!

[Mrs.Dee]

The way you see it implies that the MM is just using the OW as a way to wreck his marriage. Often they actually have feelings for that OW and often they leave their marriages for the preferred new relationship. What you describe is just a lump of nothing getting knocked around.

According to statistics they marry the OW in only 3% of the instances ( true for high achieving men from age 29-78) , so to say they leave their marriage for the preffered New relationship often, is a bg overstatement.

[Henni]

Because it's wrong?

 

That's the best thing about doing the right thing.

 

You don't get in trouble for it!

Easy peasy!

 

I disagree - people often get in trouble for doing the right thing. Honesty is not always rewarded. For example, I know of informed their friends of their spouses real or attempted infidelity and have been turned on by the BS.

[Mrs.Dee]

Because it's wrong?

 

That's the best thing about doing the right thing.

 

You don't get in trouble for it!

Easy peasy!

It is the married person that wants it to be kept in the shadows, as he or her is the one really doing the wrong thing, and would be the one in the real trouble.

 

I think in many instances the single person would be ok if the affair went Public, but it is the married person that wants it to be a Secret.

[Henni]

According to statistics they marry the OW in only 3% of the instances ( true for high achieving men from age 29-78) , so to say they leave their marriage for the preffered New relationship often, is a bg overstatement.

 

There is another thread on that topic which cites real, peer reviewed research that contradicts what you are saying here. But it's off topic, the point is whether the term 'homewrecker' is lazy terminology. I would say it's more than lazy, it's discriminatory and misplaces blame for a marriage ending on the OW instead of the WS.

[Mrs.Dee]

There is another thread on that topic which cites real, peer reviewed research that contradicts what you are saying here. But it's off topic, the point is whether the term 'homewrecker' is lazy terminology. I would say it's more than lazy, it's discriminatory and misplaces blame for a marriage ending on the OW instead of the WS.

O sorry, I was quoting jan halpers survey of the topic, what Research are you quoting?

[eleanorrigby]

To me lazy terminology would be to trot out b*tch, wh0re and the like.

[Mrs.Dee]

We ARE talking about the term "homewrecker," and yes - that's a pretty good definition.

yes but some in here also debated who is really wrecking the home, the OW or the married person, or maybe both.

[Decorative]

It is the married person that wants it to be kept in the shadows, as he or her is the one really doing the wrong thing, and would be the one in the real trouble.

 

I think in many instances the single person would be ok if the affair went Public, but it is the married person that wants it to be a Secret.

 

Of course. Because then it would not be an affair.

 

But then that is still cheapening the single person's morality to agree to the lie. And that agreement causes harm to the betrayed and the family.

[Henni]

O sorry, I was quoting jan halpers survey of the topic, what Research are you quoting?

 

Journal of Family Issues; Nov2012, Vol. 33 Issue 11, p1477-1493, 17p, Elizabeth S. Allen, David C. Atkins

 

suggest that 'more than half of men and women who engage in Extra Marital Sex also separate or divorce from their spouse.

 

If you are interested in this topic rather than the current one, I suggest going to the topic 'not such a simple question'.

[Mrs.Dee]

Journal of Family Issues; Nov2012, Vol. 33 Issue 11, p1477-1493, 17p, Elizabeth S. Allen, David C. Atkins

 

suggest that 'more than half of men and women who engage in Extra Marital Sex also separate or divorce from their spouse.

 

If you are interested in this topic rather than the current one, I suggest going to the topic 'not such a simple question'.

well according to the Halper study, which included surveys from over 4000 men only 3% actually remarried their affair.

[Henni]

Of course. Because then it would not be an affair.

 

But then that is still cheapening the single person's morality to agree to the lie. And that agreement causes harm to the betrayed and the family.

 

Bad marriages cause more harm to the family/children than divorce. Are people 'wrong' to stay in a bad marriage then?

 

Also, an affair causes harm to the betrayed and the family if they find out about it. Considering the percentage of married people who are actually having affairs, most of them don't, and may not even if divorce and a new relationship is the result. I prefer to keep an affair secret and wait to go public until the divorce is through and the kids have a chance to come to terms with that before introducing another person in their lives. It's not because I want to hurt people that I want to keep it a secret, quite the opposite.

[Henni]

well according to the Halper study, which included surveys from over 4000 men only 3% actually remarried their affair.

 

Off topic and addressed in the other thread I quoted.

[Mrs.Dee]

Journal of Family Issues; Nov2012, Vol. 33 Issue 11, p1477-1493, 17p, Elizabeth S. Allen, David C. Atkins

 

suggest that 'more than half of men and women who engage in Extra Marital Sex also separate or divorce from their spouse.

 

If you are interested in this topic rather than the current one, I suggest going to the topic 'not such a simple question'.

I just have to ask you this, how many of all marriages end in divorce, isn't that about half as well?

[Henni]

I just have to ask you this, how many of all marriages end in divorce, isn't that about half as well?

 

I suggest you read the article or post in the thread where this is relevant.

[Henni]

Bad marriages cause more harm to the family/children than divorce.

 

It can also be because AP don't want to hurt the spouse or children that they keep it a secret.

 

For these reasons, 'homewrecker' is, in my opinion, an ignorant, generalising and inaccurate term for the majority of OW.

[Mrs.Dee]

I suggest you read the article or post in the thread where this is relevant.

yes I already did, and I suggest you read about the Halper study which stated that in most cases ( 97%) the married person will not divorce and marry the OW.

 

So in most cases, the OW will not wreck the home of the MM because the MM will not end up choosing her anyway.

[awkward]

I see that the discussion has moved on from the previous analogies so I won't respond any further about that.

 

As far as affairs being hidden, many OW don't want it to come out that they are participating in an affair because it could hurt their relationships with friends, family, their career, etc. It's not because their friends, family, bosses, etc. are bigots but IMO it's because they know affairs are wrong. Lying and dishonesty are wrong. Lies by omission are wrong.

 

The rationalizations and justifications are weak. Very few people agree with them. Mostly current OW. And NOT all current OW, either. Then when they are done with the affair, either married to the MM or have an ex-MM, their views on affairs change. There are a couple of OW here who don't believe affairs are wrong, believe the BS are the cause of the affair, and don't care about the fallout. Those people are few and far between in real life.

 

When people discuss the OW's role in the affair and her responsibility, they are not absolving MM of it. When MM post here, BS don't say you poor misunderstood MM. He is told he is a liar and cheat.

[Silly_Girl]

Not the way I see it, I said earlier in the thread when i think of the term homewrecker I think of a wrecking ball or battering ram being used by the MM to destroy the marriage.

 

(and I know that OW are real people and not inanimate objects)

 

If the marriage was a sturdy, well-protected fortress, the wrecking ball being 'used' to wreck it would surely bounce off the side and be insignificant....

[Silly_Girl]

To me lazy terminology would be to trot out b*tch, wh0re and the like.

 

But, you see, anyone can do that. It's not classy, but it happens. The question is about whether the OW being the 'homewrecker' (as opposed to the WS) is appropriate.

[Silly_Girl]

That makes no difference. Intentions are what show a person's character, not whether they are good at their bad deeds or not.. If I know someone tries to do bad, I don't want them around whether their efforts could possibly be successful or not.

 

The question is not:

 

"Who WANTS to wreck the home" (as an example, not my own belief)

 

But:

 

"Who DOES wreck the home?"

[Henni]

yes I already did, and I suggest you read about the Halper study which stated that in most cases ( 97%) the married person will not divorce and marry the OW.

 

So in most cases, the OW will not wreck the home of the MM because the MM will not end up choosing her anyway.

 

I have read the Halper study and many others, the article I cited deals directly with why the Halper study is unreliable, so.....don't understand the rest of your post, it doesn't deal with the actual content of the research but rather seems to ignore it?

[Henni]

That makes no difference. Intentions are what show a person's character, not whether they are good at their bad deeds or not.. If I know someone tries to do bad, I don't want them around whether their efforts could possibly be successful or not.

 

So, you think OW intention in having an A is to 'do bad'? and therefore the term 'homewrecker' is appropriate?

 

Have you read many of the OW stories here?

[Furious]

If the marriage was a sturdy, well-protected fortress, the wrecking ball being 'used' to wreck it would surely bounce off the side and be insignificant....

 

Just because people are married does not make them immune to the opposite sex. There are no perfect marriages and smooth sailing at all times. It's a big world and everyday men and women interact, whether in the workplace, hobbies, the gym, social events, etc......

 

Many people don't purposely set out to cheat on their spouse, more often than not it's a line in the sand that shifts and a progression of blurred boundaries that become weakened. Regardless of how a person ends up cheating, it is a choice, and not something that just happens.

 

A marriage is comprised of two people, and any problems in that marriage is 50/50. More often than not, the spouse that chooses to cheat is conflict avoidant, has poor communication skills, is perhaps feeling entitled or suffering some kind of insecurity and craves eternal validation...etc.

 

A WS is a homewrecker that cannot do this on their own, they need an accomplice. There are many people who would not sign up for that position because it goes against their moral values, but there are some people who are wiling to enable a homewrecker and can sleep at night thinking their hands are clean.

 

Perhaps a less lazy terminology for an O/W is "assistant homewrecker".

[Henni]

Just because people are married does not make them immune to the opposite sex. There are no perfect marriages and smooth sailing at all times. It's a big world and everyday men and women interact, whether in the workplace, hobbies, the gym, social events, etc......

 

Many people don't purposely set out to cheat on their spouse, more often than not it's a line in the sand that shifts and a progression of blurred boundaries that become weakened. Regardless of how a person ends up cheating, it is a choice, and not something that just happens.

 

A marriage is comprised of two people, and any problems in that marriage is 50/50. More often than not, the spouse that chooses to cheat is conflict avoidant, has poor communication skills, is perhaps feeling entitled or suffering some kind of insecurity and craves eternal validation...etc.

 

A WS is a homewrecker that cannot do this on their own, they need an accomplice. There are many people who would not sign up for that position because it goes against their moral values, but there are some people who are wiling to enable a homewrecker and can sleep at night thinking their hands are clean.

 

Perhaps a less lazy terminology for an O/W is "assistant homewrecker".

 

yes, perhaps that is sometimes the case. I think also that a spouse that perpetuates an aggressive, verbally abusive and manipulative role, in front of their children, over many years, is also a homewrecker, even if they wreck the home they married into. Being married doesn't necessarily imply building a 'home'. Many marriages are simply wrecks.