"Homewrecker" - lazy terminology?

[wisernow]

Yes definitely true, they are all free to divorce and many should and will, point was just about the discriminatory terminology for the OW, which several posters seem to blindly accept as appropriate in the general case, as per the example in the OP.

 

Well, I gave my views on that a few pages back. You likely missed it, with all this back and forth crap.

[eleanorrigby]

It's the topic of this thread - i.e., that's what this poster wanted to discuss....? I'm not hung up on it any more than any other over simplified, discriminatory terminology people use to generalise and abuse others. I can think of many such terms I hate far more.

 

Why do it need to be made complex? What's discriminatory about it? I'm not hiring any OW for a job. Yes, it's a general term but this is a general thread talking about no one in particular. You feel abused when you read this term on forums?

[Henni]

What are you asking me? What will I call him?

Probably a motherf*cking, cocksucking, *********, piece of sh*t.

 

On one of my good days.

 

Don't worry. The WS is always going to get more descriptive, colorful terms then the OW. Trust.

 

 

No actually I was asking if you would rescind your 'homewrecker' term for the OW in the case where the marriage was anyway over and the WS spouse ended it on an exit affair. But feel free to list of other terminology for any party, it's slightly off topic but perhaps therapeutic for you.

[Henni]

Why do it need to be made complex? What's discriminatory about it? I'm not hiring any OW for a job. Yes, it's a general term but this is a general thread talking about no one in particular. You feel abused when you read this term on forums?

 

No I don't feel abused at all when I read that term, because it doesn't apply to me.

[Henni]

Well, I gave my views on that a few pages back. You likely missed it, with all this back and forth crap.

 

I didn't miss it, I just responded based on several posts, not only yours.

[eleanorrigby]

No actually I was asking if you would rescind your 'homewrecker' term for the OW in the case where the marriage was anyway over and the WS spouse ended it on an exit affair. But feel free to list of other terminology for any party, it's slightly off topic but perhaps therapeutic for you.

 

In my case? Are you familiar with my story?

[Henni]

In my case? Are you familiar with my story?

 

I didn't say in your case, I said in THE case, as in, generally, since this is a GENERAL discussion about the term.

[wisernow]

I didn't miss it, I just responded based on several posts, not only yours.

 

Well, I'm out. I hope you find some peace , Henni. This thread seems to have truly upset you. Hey, I was likely called a home wrecker at some point. The way I look at it now is; if the shoe fits...

[eleanorrigby]

I didn't say in your case, I said in THE case, as in, generally, since this is a GENERAL discussion about the term.

 

ohh OK in that case, I'd just call her a b*tch.

[Henni]

Well, I'm out. I hope you find some peace , Henni. This thread seems to have truly upset you. Hey, I was likely called a home wrecker at some point. The way I look at it now is; if the shoe fits...

 

I don't think anyone was calling me a homewrecker and I have peace, I was actually responding to the OP's topic - and not anything else that came in between. I just don't like stupid generalisations that demonise people, much like the original poster I guess.

[Poppy fields]

I was a Home wrecker at one point in my life. I was actively involved in the wrecking of a marriage. Fortunately it survived, but I am not sugar coating my involvement, and I am not offended by a term that fits the bill.

[wisernow]

I don't think anyone was calling me a homewrecker and I have peace, I was actually responding to the OP's topic - and not anything else that came in between. I just don't like stupid generalisations that demonise people, much like the original poster I guess.

 

Yea, I hear ya. I don't much like them either, but you not liking it, or this thread ain't going to change a thing. People will call you (general you) whatever they want. It's the way the world turns.

[Henni]

I was a Home wrecker at one point in my life. I was actively involved in the wrecking of a marriage. Fortunately it survived, but I am not sugar coating my involvement, and I am not offended by a term that fits the bill.

 

Well the fact that the marriage survived means there was something there to wreck. So, yeah....fair enough. Most marriages don't survive infidelity.

[Henni]

My H's xW referred to me as a "home wrecker" durning one of her drunken, late night abusive phone calls to my elderly in-laws. My FIL corrected her by telling her there had been no home to wreck, merely a dysfunctional family "unit" nominally based at the same address and that it was a mercy to put that farce out of its misery and allow a real family to be built from the functioning components, tossing away the Broken bits. She didn't like that, much.

 

cocorico, you so often make loads of sense, it makes wading through the madness worthwhile.

[underwater2010]

The question is not:

 

"Who WANTS to wreck the home" (as an example, not my own belief)

 

But:

 

"Who DOES wreck the home?"

Simple....Both the WS and their AP. Equally (in majority of cases) bare the blame. Is that an easy enough answer.

[underwater2010]

So, you think OW intention in having an A is to 'do bad'? and therefore the term 'homewrecker' is appropriate?

 

Have you read many of the OW stories here?

 

Yes....I do. Any woman/man that KNOWINGLY takes up with a MM/MW without the permission of the spouse, is out to do bad. I do not care if you "love" that person or if his penis accidently fell into the ap's vagina...they are knowingly partaking in a relationship with someone that has made vows.

 

And after reading the OW/OM's stories here, I wonder where their confidence is. You know the one that says they deserve to be treated better than a dirty little secret. My heart breaks that they often chose not to find someone that is available to give them every part of their being. That can stand up and proudly say "I love this person" and make vows to them.

 

I feel that the are willingly taken advantage of. I also feel that any WS is out to do bad too.

[underwater2010]

What about the case where a WS realises the marriage was bullsh*t and get out on an exit affair?

Why can't they just file for divorce because the marriage is bullcrap instead of taking up with another person prior?

[Mme. Chaucer]

'Takes advantage of'? really? Do you think OW are all running around looking for 'weak' men to take advantage of??????

 

I think that some people are interested in "winning" somebody who is "taken," and thereby feeling superior to the "loser." I do not think that you ALL are. Somebody who boasts that they could insert themselves in any number of marriages, though, would certainly seem to be one who is.

 

Your friend sounds like a horrible person and nothing at all like most OW.

 

You really believe that you are a member of some class of people known as "OW" and that you can speak for this cohesive group? I have quite a bit of experience, and I don't think that there is any common denominator besides the fact that all are banging somebody's hubby.

 

The "group" of women here on LS that I think of as "pro-affair" (not just theirs, but all affairs - probably excluding one their own husband has, if she marries some day) are pretty unique, I think.

 

My friend is a wonderful person with a serious problem that's surfaced since her own self esteem was destroyed by her very messed up marriage and divorce. I have compassion and empathy for her. Still, since her behavior is impacting other people that I care about and it's looking like a pattern.

 

Even at that, she wouldn't be like you guys, saying that whatever she does is unassailable and it's all on the guy if he takes the bait. She knows.

 

 

 

What about when the man or woman in a bad marriage falls in love with someone else, and begins dissolving their marriage?

You think that is a good excuse for lying, cheating and sneaking? I don't. I think that's weak and cowardly, and is just a rationalization for selfish behavior. A

person I would admire would tell their spouse that they were done with the marriage before philandering.

 

Still, it's just human weakness and we all have them in one way or another. It's the justification and aggrandizement of the situation that gets under my skin around here.

[Silly_Girl]

OK... so what if I change my metaphor to thermite or kryptonite or 1.21 gigawatts of pure destruction?

 

Then I change mine to something that's impenetrable to those things, and compare it to an old decaying castle

[Silly_Girl]

Simple....Both the WS and their AP. Equally (in majority of cases) bare the blame. Is that an easy enough answer.

 

That's your answer, I happen to disagree. Always have, and likely always will. Thank you.

[KathyM]

Bad marriages cause more harm to the family/children than divorce.

 

It can also be because AP don't want to hurt the spouse or children that they keep it a secret.

 

For these reasons, 'homewrecker' is, in my opinion, an ignorant, generalising and inaccurate term for the majority of OW.

Uh, no. APs don't care about the spouse or children, they only care about themselves and their MM. They keep the affair a secret because that is what the MM wants. If the AP actually cared about the wife and children, she wouldn't be helping to destroy their family.

 

While it's true that bad marriages can destroy a home, affairs also destroy a home. Most marriages go through difficult times, but an affair is often what ends a struggling marriage because the BS discovers the affair and divorces the WS because of the infidelity. 65% of all divorces involved infidelity.

[KathyM]

yes I already did, and I suggest you read about the Halper study which stated that in most cases ( 97%) the married person will not divorce and marry the OW.

 

So in most cases, the OW will not wreck the home of the MM because the MM will not end up choosing her anyway.

In most cases, the result of an affair would be a divorce when the affair is discovered. The home is then wrecked because of the affair. The fact that the MM does not go on to marry the OW and they eventually break up does not negate the fact that the home was destroyed because of the affair.

[Mme. Chaucer]

In summation, I feel that for my personal use, the term "homewrecker" does very nicely to describe a woman who knowingly engages in an affair with a family man.

 

I agree that it would be appropriate to be used for a man who knowingly has an affair with a married woman, as well - but somehow, it doesn't fit so well. Different lazy terminology needs to be developed for that.

 

The cheater? I think we've already gone over many of the juiciest options for this. There are many. "Homewrecker," though, would not be one of them. I thing that implies something wrecking from outside rather than from within the home.

 

The End

[waterwoman]

I don't like the term. I said so earlier. earlier I think it's more accurate to say that in some cases APs can act like frost on a cracked wall. There might only be hairline cracks that could be mended with a little attention but for now, for whatever reason, there they are. The frost gets into the cracks and slowly they widen until suddenly the wall is a wreck unless someone notices the cracks and seals them up and the frost can do no more damage. That is a much more accurate metaphor for my situation and, I suspect for many others.

 

I would suggest that most marriages have cracks at times.

[Got it]

Uh, no. APs don't care about the spouse or children, they only care about themselves and their MM. They keep the affair a secret because that is what the MM wants. If the AP actually cared about the wife and children, she wouldn't be helping to destroy their family.

 

While it's true that bad marriages can destroy a home, affairs also destroy a home. Most marriages go through difficult times, but an affair is often what ends a struggling marriage because the BS discovers the affair and divorces the WS because of the infidelity. 65% of all divorces involved infidelity.

 

Not sure where you got the 65% but here are some stats that I actually found online:

 

Infidelity and Divorce:

69% of marriages don't survive an affair.

Studies suggest that only 31% of marriages make it through infidelity.

80% of couples who get divorced after an affair regret the decision.

17% of divorces in the United States are caused by infidelity.

Research suggests that 56% of divorces are caused by an obsession with pornography.

Weight loss surgery patients have an 85% greater chance of divorcing their spouse.

Studies suggest that 75% of married couples with special needs children get divorced.

Men. Vs. Women

Recent studies suggest that there is infidelity in 8 out of 10 marriages in the United States.

68% of women in the United States say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught.

74% of men say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught.

54% of married men do not know that their wives are involved in extramarital affairs.

Studies suggest that 70% of married women do not know their husbands are having an affair.

14% of married women in the United States admit to having had an affair.

Cheating Types and Results:

12% of Americans spend up to ten hours a week looking for sexual encounters online.

44% of married men cheat because they feel they are not having enough sex in their marriage.

40% of married med who have an affair use an escort service.

64% of adults believe that sexting can be an act of infidelity.

Research suggests that almost three percent of all children are the product of infidelity.

Studies show that 75% of relationships which start out as affairs end in failure.

10% of adulterers eventually marry their lovers.

 

 

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/blogs/Facts-About-Cheating#ixzz2Pm2OK2tm