"Homewrecker" - lazy terminology?

[Got it]

In most cases, the result of an affair would be a divorce when the affair is discovered. The home is then wrecked because of the affair. The fact that the MM does not go on to marry the OW and they eventually break up does not negate the fact that the home was destroyed because of the affair.

 

I don't believe that you are correct on this. I have not found any evidence that the majority of divorces are caused by infidelity or that infidelity results in divorce the majority of the time. Actually most stats show that the marriage continues on even after the infidelity is discovered or the affair ends without discovery.

[Got it]

Menstuff® has compiled the following information on infidelity statistics.

Snippets

What Do Infidelity Statistics Mean?

Snippets

It's tough to get a handle on how many of us are having affairs, given the inherent secrecy.

22 percent of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.

14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives.

Younger people are more likely candidates; in fact, younger women are as likely as younger men to be unfaithful.

70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men did not know of their spouses' extramarital activity.

5 percent of married men and 3 percent of married women reported having sex with someone other than their spouse in the year1997.

22 percent of men and 14 percent of women admitted to having sexual relations outside their marriage sometime in their past.

90 percent of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong.

50 percent of Americans say President Clinton's adultery makes his moral standard "about the same as the average married man,'' according to a Time-CNN poll.

61 percent of Americans thought adultery should not be a crime in the United states; 35 percent thought it should; 4 percent had no opinion.

17 percent of divorces in the United States are caused by infidelity.

Source: Associated Press

Up to 37% of men and 22% of women admit to having affairs. Researchers think the vast majority of the millions of people who visit chat rooms, have multiple "special friends”. Dr. Bob Lanier, askbob.com

Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)

Only 46% of men believe that online affairs are adultery. DivorceMag

80% think it's Ok to talk with a stranger identified as the opposite sex. 75% thinks it's ok to visit an adult site.

About 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage "Monogamy Myth", Therapist Peggy Vaugn

About 24 percent of men and 14 percent of women have had sex outside their marriages, according to a Dec. 21, 1998 report in USA Today on a national study by the University of California, San Francisco.

Affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples, according to counselor Janis Abrahms Spring, author of After the Affair,as reported by the Washington Post on March 30, 1999. Ten percent of extramarital affairs last one day, 10 percent last more than one day but less than a month, 50 percent last more than a month but less than a year, but 40 percent last two or more years. Few extramarital affairs last more than four years.

A lesser known fact is that those who divorce rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. For example, Dr. Jan Halper’s study of successful men (executives, entrepreneurs, professionals) found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed eventually married their lovers.

Frank Pittman has found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75 percent. The reasons for the high divorce rate include: intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, a general distrust of marriage, and a distrust of the affairee.

One-third of divorce litigation is caused by online affairs. This Is An Internet E-Mergency, The Fortino Group

Approximately 70% of time on-line is spent in chat rooms or sending e-mail; of these interactions, the vast majority are romantic in nature. Dr. Michael Adamse, PhD., co-author of Affairs of the Net: The Cybershrinks' Guide to Online Relationships

Because of the anonymity, affordability, and accessibility of Internet sexual resources, the computer can accelerate the transition from "at risk" to "addicted," as well as the progression of sex addiction in those with a history of prior sexual compulsivity. Cooper et al Survey

8-10 percent of Internet users become hooked on cybersex. Dr. Bob Lanier, askbob.com

Spouses who get hooked on Internet porn are a growing complaint among spouses filing for divorce, according to a survey of 350 divorce attorneys. "If there's dissatisfaction in the existing relationship, the Internet is an easy way for people to scratch the itch," said lawyer J. Lindsey Short, Jr., president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, which conducted the study.

57% of people have used the Internet to flirt.

38% of people have engaged in explicit online sexual conversation and 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online.

Evidence proves there is a high correlation between on-line infidelity and subsequent real-time sexual affairs.

Evidence supports the existence of disinhibition, accelerated intimacy, and hyper-sexual online behavior that can easily lead to real-time infidelity

31% of people have had an online conversation that has led to real-time sex.

It is estimated that 53% of all people will have one or more affairs during their lifetime.

Look at the numbers from Playboy Magazine:

-2 out of 3 women and 3 out of 4 men admit they have sexual thoughts about co-workers.

-86% of men and 81% of women admit they routinely flirt with the opposite sex.

-75% of men and 65% of women admit to having sex with people they work with.

The fact is that human beings are NOT monogamous by nature. That means they cheat.

Experts say that a gut instinct is the most powerful indicator of a cheating lover. Adultery statistics state that 85% of woman who feel their lover is cheating are correct. 50% of men who feel their lover is cheating are right. The first clue is seldom obvious. Typically, it's a "feeling" that something is different.

Cheating spouse statistics confirm that 50 and 70 percent of married men (between 38 and 53 million men) have cheated or will cheat on their wives. One study found that 2/3 of the wives (26 to 36 million women) whose husbands were cheating had no idea their husbands were having an affair - largely because they failed to recognize the telltale signs.

According to Annette Lawson, author of Adultery, published in 1989 by Basic Books. "The various researchers arrive at a general consensus…suggesting that above one-quarter to about one-half of married women have at least one lover after they are married in any given marriage. Married men probably still stray more often than married women—perhaps from 50 percent to 65 percent by the age of forty." According to Maggie Scarf, author of Intimate Partners, first published in 1987 by Random House, re-issued in 1996 by Ballentine.

"Most experts do consider the 'educated guess' that at the present time some 50 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives become extramaritally involved by the age of 40 to be a relatively sound and reasonable one." According to Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth, first published in 1989 by Newmarket Press (third edition published 2003).

Conservative infidelity statistics estimate that “60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it's unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives."

[Silly_Girl]

I think that some people are interested in "winning" somebody who is "taken," and thereby feeling superior to the "loser." I do not think that you ALL are. Somebody who boasts that they could insert themselves in any number of marriages, though, would certainly seem to be one who is.

 

 

In case that's at me (again), I know you delighted in misinterpreting the post which was: no one can forcibly 'insert themselves' in to a marriage. Not possible. They could try and try but if both parties refuse to let them in, there's no way any homewrecking can go on. Hope that clarifies.

[Decorative]

Not sure where you got the 65% but here are some stats that I actually found online:

 

Infidelity and Divorce:

69% of marriages don't survive an affair.

Studies suggest that only 31% of marriages make it through infidelity.

80% of couples who get divorced after an affair regret the decision.

17% of divorces in the United States are caused by infidelity.

Research suggests that 56% of divorces are caused by an obsession with pornography.

Weight loss surgery patients have an 85% greater chance of divorcing their spouse.

Studies suggest that 75% of married couples with special needs children get divorced.

Men. Vs. Women

Recent studies suggest that there is infidelity in 8 out of 10 marriages in the United States.

68% of women in the United States say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught.

74% of men say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught.

54% of married men do not know that their wives are involved in extramarital affairs.

Studies suggest that 70% of married women do not know their husbands are having an affair.

14% of married women in the United States admit to having had an affair.

Cheating Types and Results:

12% of Americans spend up to ten hours a week looking for sexual encounters online.

44% of married men cheat because they feel they are not having enough sex in their marriage.

40% of married med who have an affair use an escort service.

64% of adults believe that sexting can be an act of infidelity.

Research suggests that almost three percent of all children are the product of infidelity.

Studies show that 75% of relationships which start out as affairs end in failure.

10% of adulterers eventually marry their lovers.

 

 

Read more: Facts You Didn't Know About Cheating - @OWNTV #Unfaithful

 

It means 65% of divorces list infidelity as a factor for the divorce.

 

Not that 65% of marriages affected by infidelity divorce. Just that of the people that do eventually divorce - that's the number that place some part of the blame on infidelity. But it's a smaller pool it's drawing from.

 

So it's a different number- and one I have read before.

 

But I totally understand the confusion. I had to read it twice, and remember, too.

 

*eta That is quite a list of statistics from Oprah. I think I have a hard time believing that 56% percent of divorces are caused by porn obsession. Seems like we would hear more about that. The list starts to look like one of those things where if you add it all up- you have a million percent. LOL

Edited April 7, 2013 by Decorative

[KathyM]

http://www.ipedr.com/vol19/34-ICAMS2011-A10054.pdf

 

Statistics on causes of divorce vary, depending on which research sample you are looking at. The above link posts a research review from research compiled worldwide that gives the percentage of divorce that involves infidelity as 90%. From what I have read, the figure, depending on which source is used, is anywhere from 17% to 90% of divorces involve infidelity. That's a lot of destruction of marriages which is caused from infidelity.

[KathyM]

Infidelity is, unfortunately, widespread, and estimates are that 50% of all married men have been unfaithful. 40% of all married women have been unfaithful. Is it any wonder why the divorce rate is so high (50% of all marriages end in divorce). Most marriages where infidelity is involved do not survive an affair. Only 31% of marriages that involve an affair will survive it. 69% will not.

[Decorative]

Infidelity is, unfortunately, widespread, and estimates are that 50% of all married men have been unfaithful. 40% of all married women have been unfaithful. Is it any wonder why the divorce rate is so high (50% of all marriages end in divorce). Most marriages where infidelity is involved do not survive an affair. Only 31% of marriages that involve an affair will survive it. 69% will not.

 

Can I ask where those are from?

 

I have read until my eyes crossed- and I have never read such dire statistics.

 

I know the divorce rate is higher in second marriages, and higher still with kids, and lower than 50% for many other groups.

 

It can all be very confusing.

 

*eta Now I see where those are from. That contradicts the vast majority of what I have ever read. Thanks for linking that. Food for thought.

[Henni]

Why can't they just file for divorce because the marriage is bullcrap instead of taking up with another person prior?

 

Because filing for a divorce means, hopefully, first having an agreement with the soon to be ex spouse, about kids, about money, and that takes time. Such agreements being reached can be more difficult if another partner is on the scene, because many people get ugly about their spouse's having a new partner, even if they don't want to stay married to them. And, if there's kids involved they need time to come to terms with the divorce before another person is introduced into their lives.

[Henni]

If the marriage is truly over then we are looking at the end of a relationship and the initiation of another relationship.

 

For example Coco Rico did that and never had to play the part of the OW that has to hide and keep the relationship secret.

 

If the marriage is truly over and there is a quick exit affair then there is no home wrecking.

 

If the cheating man does not plan or want a divorce then the OW is a home wrecker. If the cheating man plans a reconciliation after a d-day then the OW is a home wrecker.

 

I am not saying OW is 100% a wrecker. She is merely a member of a group of two that are wrecking the marriage.

 

 

 

It is rather simple.

 

Actually cocorico is a former OW, now together with the xMM. An example of an affair - divorce - new relationship progression.

[Henni]

Uh, no. APs don't care about the spouse or children, they only care about themselves and their MM. They keep the affair a secret because that is what the MM wants. If the AP actually cared about the wife and children, she wouldn't be helping to destroy their family.

 

While it's true that bad marriages can destroy a home, affairs also destroy a home. Most marriages go through difficult times, but an affair is often what ends a struggling marriage because the BS discovers the affair and divorces the WS because of the infidelity. 65% of all divorces involved infidelity.

 

Well, I would do not want my AP spouse to find out about the A, because I think it would make it harder to get agreement on kids / money in the divorce that's been initiated, harder for the kids, and harder for his soon to be ex spouse. He doesn't care if she knows or not, but I do, she is prone to screaming in front of the kids and badmouthing him behind his back and to the kids already, and I don't want that to get worse. I would rather they have a stable agreement and get used to the new circumstances before going public with our relationship. I want less, not more drama. For everyone. I want a respectful retreat from the marriage with the children's needs first, not some trashy fight or scandal.

[wisernow]

I think the H of CR was in a truly dead marriage that had ended. She simply showed up at the right time. Funny how you ignored the rest of the post.

 

As I said if the marriage is truly over then the OW is not a home wrecker.

 

IF the cheating man is staying married then the OW is wrecking the marriage.

 

It is not rocket science.

 

I seriously doubt CR had a secret relationship on the side where she was in the shadow,

 

As is the married POS mm!

[Got it]

I think the H of CR was in a truly dead marriage that had ended. She simply showed up at the right time. Funny how you ignored the rest of the post.

 

As I said if the marriage is truly over then the OW is not a home wrecker.

 

IF the cheating man is staying married then the OW is wrecking the marriage.

 

It is not rocket science.

 

I seriously doubt CR had a secret relationship on the side where she was in the shadow,

 

Okay, based on this reasoning and if the wife isn't in agreement? Let's postulate that she even agrees that the marriage isn't sound or good but she wasn't ready /looking to divorce. What does a "marriage truly being over" mean and who qualifies it?

 

It may not be rocket science but your post is highly subjective, opinionated and based on . . . .

[wisernow]

This has go to be the most abused ethical fallacy in the forum.

 

The "everybody does it" justification.:laugh:

 

See my reply to Got it. There is a chance you may get what I am trying to say.

 

So, just to be clear, you think the cheating POS MM has no culpability? Cause that's what Im saying here. I didn't say, nor have ever said that "everybody does it". That's just you projecting. Get to know you audience, and don't make assumptions about me, as apparantly, you have no idea what you're talking about. It's also insulting.

Edited April 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Henni]

This has go to be the most abused ethical fallacy in the forum.

 

The "everybody does it" justification.:laugh:

 

See my reply to Got it. There is a chance you may get what I am trying to say.

 

 

Pierre, why do you always think that saying other people are contributing to the end of the marriage is a justification? You are seeing something in the posts that I am not - and this is another example. The poster said - this person is doing that too. They did not say 'and because they are doing it too it's ok', did they?

Edited April 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Decorative]

Okay, based on this reasoning and if the wife isn't in agreement? Let's postulate that she even agrees that the marriage isn't sound or good but she wasn't ready /looking to divorce. What does a "marriage truly being over" mean and who qualifies it?

 

It may not be rocket science but your post is highly subjective, opinionated and based on . . . .

 

Absolutely and completely.

[Got it]

Wiser, I have to admit, I think I just fell a little in love with you.

 

Carry on . . .

[Mme. Chaucer]

Pierre, why do you always think that saying other people are contributing to the end of the marriage is a justification?

 

When it's used as an explanation for why affairs are fine, it IS a justification.

 

People's marriages are their own business. Even if the married guy who's got somebody on the side is sharing this personal stuff with her - it really has nothing to do with her.

 

Her part of the scenario is 100% hers. The condition of the man's marriage, what his wife's like (obviously, they have a sexless marriage, she's a harpy and she doesn't understand him; those are givens) really have nothing to do with the choice a woman makes to get involved with a married man.

 

And constantly bringing up the bad marriage, the end of the marriage, etc. comes off as justification for having affairs.

 

Why bother? You seem fine with what you're doing, why try to make it "ok" by society's standards?

[wisernow]

And just to add, Pierre. I'm very anti affair, it's a pretty known fact. What I hate though, is painting the OW as the evil villain, and giving the MM a free pass. It's sexist, and antiquated. If two people are involved in an affair they should both be painted under the "home wrecker" brush, if that is the label being used. The OW shouldn't wear it alone. Of course, like I said in an earlier post, which you likely missed, it's typically the OW who garners the label, while the MM gets the pass.

[wisernow]

Wiser, I have to admit, I think I just fell a little in love with you.

 

Carry on . . .

 

Oh, geez. Have the nukes gone up? :lmao:

[Henni]

When it's used as an explanation for why affairs are fine, it IS a justification.

 

 

That's the point - it WASN'T used as an explanation for why affairs are fine, AT ALL. That's all Pierre's and others projection.

[Got it]

Lets look at this from the point of view of logic.

 

If the OW claims she is not a home wrecker then the marriage has to be over, And it is fair to assume that the charm of the OW or her incredible abilities in bed did not alter the course of history. The marriage was over before the OW arrived.

 

If the marriage was truly over and if the effect of the OW is zero or negligible then the OW is not a home wrecker.

 

If the cheating man plans to remain married, has not initiated divorce proceedings, cannot leave because of kids, cats, dogs, mortgage, grandchildren, religion, etc-------then the OW is a home wrecker. In this instance the OW is pushing for the marriage to end.

 

Whether the OW is successful in wrecking the marriage or not is moot. Once the OW acknowledges there is no impending divorce she is home wrecking.

 

But, I give OWs credit because they have learned. They always say: I want him to leave the marriage, but then immediately say: "But, not for me". :laugh: If they are not home wrecking why bother to say that?

 

Aaaaannnnnndddd miss.

 

Again, you didn't answer any of my questions in the scenario. Who is the one able to decide that the marriage is over that if there is another AP even the betrayed spouse is aware and just . . . . stands aside? What and who qualifies the marriage as over and what criteria must be checked off to reach that point?

 

And what on earth does the charms, sex appeal or majical va ja ja of the OW have to do with anything? Oh right we are just lions right?

 

So maybe if you spent less time on your insults at people and focused more on the topic at hand, you might make sense. Just saying.

 

So what is exactly your point? I am very confused.

[Henni]

OK, lets say you have a 13 year iold daughter and she comes home one day from school and tells you she is 3 months pregnant.

 

You get upset with her and she replies. "But, mom, I was the only girl in school that was not pregnant. They are pregnant and they are OK. Why are you upset?"

 

Just because someone is wrecking his marriage does not give you the right to join in the wrecking.

 

Who said it did? The point made is that if the the OW / OM is involved with a MM / MW who doesn't intend to divorce, they are not the only ones wrecking the marriage. That was all - all the justification mullarkey came from you.

[Got it]

OK, lets say you have a 13 year iold daughter and she comes home one day from school and tells you she is 3 months pregnant.

 

You get upset with her and she replies. "But, mom, I was the only girl in school that was not pregnant. They are pregnant and they are OK. Why are you upset?"

 

Just because someone is wrecking his marriage does not give you the right to join in the wrecking.

 

What does peer pressure have to do with whether or not a marriage is over and whether the term homewrecker is lazy terminology?

 

In your last statement is the OW peer pressuring the MM into something or is the MM peer pressuring the OW into something????

[Henni]

I am fascinated by the logic in the thread:

 

 

:D:D

 

I'm fascinated by your ability to repaint what is said by others into something you want to believe they said, and then come over all 'wiser than thou' about it. Why do you feel the need to put words in people's mouth and then council them on the problems you would like to attribute to them?

[Got it]

If the OW influences the decision making she is a home wrecker.

 

What does this mean? Who decides that? What is the criteria on influence? So if the MM says that there was no influence than that would be acceptable? If the OW says there was not influence that would be acceptable? Is it determined by a third party?