"Homewrecker" - lazy terminology?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I take from it that it can rarely be used

 

??

 

Who's the monitor of how frequently it can be used? Is there a special task force?

 

Regardless of what you or anyone else on this thread believes, people CAN use the term "homewrecker" as haphazardly and often as they like.

[Silly_Girl]

??

 

Who's the monitor of how frequently it can be used? Is there a special task force?

 

Regardless of what you or anyone else on this thread believes, people CAN use the term "homewrecker" as haphazardly and often as they like.

 

Did you recognise I wrote 'I take from it' and did not prescribe anything in respect of others' use? For me the thread affirmed it's rare that the term is justifiable. You got something different it seems. Jolly good.

[Got it]

Got it,

I'll try again. It was confusing.

 

If someone calls me bitter and by definition, and during the time of being called bitter, I was bitter, I wouldn't deny it. I'd accept it w/out denying or defending or excuses BUT I would explain why I am bitter.

 

If someone is called _______________ (insert name here ie bitter, thief, manipulater, cheater), and by definition are ______________(showing bitterness, stealing, manipulating, cheating etc...) then Why deny, defend or excuse it?

 

There are many names to define people and their actions during the time they are performing such actions. Some are less "nice" than others for sure.

 

But don't deny what you are during the time you are doing it. Don't defend or excuse it. Why not acknowledge and then explain it?

I have found that w/in the explanation I can find empathy & compassion or choose to walk away before having any further negative confrontation.

 

Okay, I am understanding a bit more. So yes at that time you were bitter about your husband, the affair, etc but did it define the total you. That CIH=bitter?

 

I think that for someone to be ___________ (definition) it needs to be exhibited in many areas of their life. The age old adage, you tell someone they are acting "x" not that they are "x".

 

It is not my normal mode to make calls on people and say that they are x, y, and z. I may comment on the behavior but I don't tell to say they are that name, descriptor, title unless I have seen a solid pattern of said behavior. But just because I think someone is an a**hole (for an example) I also don't expect that they are going to graciously agree with my judgement.

 

I will acknowledge and discuss my behaviors during any point in my life, I am more than happy to lay it bare and dissect it and am pretty open about that. But that doesn't mean I will own "your" judgement of me because, frankly, who the hell are "you"?

 

I guess bottomline, I am more than happy and open to discuss behaviors I refuse to wear whatever judgement someone decides to put on me. Unless they are Mother Theresa and have the appropriate credentials to pass judgement I tend to lean towards "people in glass houses".

 

In regards to affairs, and my situation. I COMPLETELY understand his ex wife's complete hatred of me. I own that, I understand it, and I have never argued against it. But I will not fully agree with her judgement especially against dMM because she too had an affair and that has to be owned as well. She too walked the same slippery slope. I find it mildly ironic to act the complete victim when she too was a perpetrator.

 

But I also know that what I think and feel on this means diddly squat to her and probably many people because I am one of many in the masses and really who the hell am I anyway?

[Got it]

That was me losing my composure a bit and responding sarcastically to henni's posts. I'd grown irritated with the idea of an OW telling me (or any BS) what words are appropriate to use for the person that I felt harmed me.

 

I'd gotten annoyed that now I'm seen as a bigot because I choose to call the woman that tried to help wreck my home a home wrecker.

 

I'd had enough of it that night and let a little sarcasm out that I hoped would get my message across. i.e. I don't want an OW telling me which group of OW deserve that name and which group don't. I'll decide that for myself.

 

I responded to you the way I did, because I thought my sarcasm was obvious but apparently it wasn't. At that moment I also decided I didn't want to be particularly careful with the words I chose to use in my post.

 

I'm just trying to be authentic and true to myself this morning.

 

I think first off, no one is telling anyone what they can or cannot say. I think that this thread was about the idea on whether a term is being used appropriately, reasonably and to discuss the whys and hows. And from that a subtopic came about whether there is an equivalent male word and then the discussion about the potential misogyny of society on sexual responsibility. I say this gently but NONE of this was about you personally. I don't think anyone views you as anything and most definitely a bigot and quite honestly who cares what anyone on here thinks about you, right!?! Really who are we? We are all faceless entities floating around the internet and our opinion means squat I am sure in your real life.

 

If you want to judge anyone in any way that is 100% your right and freedom. I may not agree but that is my right but it doesn't change, impact, condone, condemn or alter your rights and freedoms.

 

I read your post seeing potentially there may have been some validation that another OW may see xOW as the same as you. So I thought that maybe that was actually helpful for you and, for me, that was a real positive impact of the thread. OBVIOUSLY that wasn't the case , but I think this discussion is a great one as well because we are at the crux of the issue and from that true dialogue can happen.

 

Eleanor, no one is telling you what you decide in your life in any area. I don't think anyone blames you for your feelings on it. And if someone doesn't agree who gives a fu**. This is your TRUTH and you are living it. That is fine/great/your right. This is where you are in your healing process. You may not always view her as a homewrecker, you may always view her as a homewrecker. From your point of view, from where you stand, this is your conclusion based on the evidence presented to you at this time.

 

But this isn't the crux of the discussion. It is about judging you.

[Henni]

??

 

Who's the monitor of how frequently it can be used? Is there a special task force?

 

Regardless of what you or anyone else on this thread believes, people CAN use the term "homewrecker" as haphazardly and often as they like.

 

The question wasn't whether people CAN use the term haphazardly, the question was whether it is lazy or appropriate. People CAN be as inappropriate, inaccurate or lazy as they like, obviously. That doesn't make them RIGHT though.

[sweet_pea]

The question wasn't whether people CAN use the term haphazardly, the question was whether it is lazy or appropriate. People CAN be as inappropriate, inaccurate or lazy as they like, obviously. That doesn't make them RIGHT though.

 

I dont think there is really a right or wrong answer when it comes to whether the term is lazy/appropriate or not....

[Henni]

I dont think there is really a right or wrong answer when it comes to whether the term is lazy/appropriate or not....

 

I agree, but several people are arguing that it is the RIGHT term for all OW. It's an opinion, and my opinion is that they are wrong. I believe it might be right in a minority of OW, but not all. To be the right term objectively there has to be a not wrecked home to begin with. I guess it depends on your definition of a wrecked home.

[ComingInHot]

Got it wrote, " I will acknowledge and discuss my behaviors during any point in my life, I am more than happy to lay it bare and dissect it and am pretty open about that. But that doesn't mean I will own "your" judgement of me because, frankly, who the hell are "you"?"

 

I respect that* I think looking at myself, that I can be labeled bitter (when I was as well as anytime it flares up). It was PART of who I was and frankly still is once in a while. I am not Solely "bitter". I'm happy, positive, creative, bitchy, confident, insecure etc... many things make up who I am but non of them is malicious.

 

Got it wrote, " But I also know that what I think and feel on this means diddly squat to her and probably many people because I am one of many in the masses and really who the hell am I anyway?"

 

Well, I think you are incredibly designed! I think you DO matter and you should be heard. I'm not saying this to suck up. I have no need/reason to* and there are some whose voice I'd just as soon Never hear again. Don't ever let that fire in you die!

CIH

[Got it]

Got it wrote, " I will acknowledge and discuss my behaviors during any point in my life, I am more than happy to lay it bare and dissect it and am pretty open about that. But that doesn't mean I will own "your" judgement of me because, frankly, who the hell are "you"?"

 

I respect that* I think looking at myself, that I can be labeled bitter (when I was as well as anytime it flares up). It was PART of who I was and frankly still is once in a while. I am not Solely "bitter". I'm happy, positive, creative, bitchy, confident, insecure etc... many things make up who I am but non of them is malicious.

 

Got it wrote, " But I also know that what I think and feel on this means diddly squat to her and probably many people because I am one of many in the masses and really who the hell am I anyway?"

 

Well, I think you are incredibly designed! I think you DO matter and you should be heard. I'm not saying this to suck up. I have no need/reason to* and there are some whose voice I'd just as soon Never hear again. Don't ever let that fire in you die!

CIH

 

CIH - honey, you are sweet. You are not bitter. You may have moments of bitterness or may act bitter a time or two but you are not, by definition, bitter.

 

[Mme. Chaucer]

The question wasn't whether people CAN use the term haphazardly, the question was whether it is lazy or appropriate. People CAN be as inappropriate, inaccurate or lazy as they like, obviously. That doesn't make them RIGHT though.

 

Oh, please. Give the nonstop, weak prevarication a rest. Whatever the question, the post I was referencing said exactly this, in its complete context:

 

I take from it that it can rarely be used and there's a very small sub-section of AP's it would apply to.

 

Whether or not that is what she intended to say, that IS exactly what she said. And I think it's silly. It can be used as often as somebody wants to use it.

 

Obviously, the 4 or 5 of you who constantly speak for each other here don't think it can be used, except for when you'd deem it appropriate. Then, don't use it.

 

This reminds me of another discussion about racism that I'm participating in. Quite a few of the posters are denying vehemently that racism exists in the US and derisively scoff at the idea that it's a meaningful issue. I think that the majority of those who take umbrage at that term and the concept are racists, judging from the content of their posts.

[Silly_Girl]

Oh, please. Give the nonstop, weak prevarication a rest. Whatever the question, the post I was referencing said exactly this, in its complete context:

 

 

 

Whether or not that is what she intended to say, that IS exactly what she said. And I think it's silly. It can be used as often as somebody wants to use it.

 

Obviously, the 4 or 5 of you who constantly speak for each other here don't think it can be used, except for when you'd deem it appropriate. Then, don't use it.

 

This reminds me of another discussion about racism that I'm participating in. Quite a few of the posters are denying vehemently that racism exists in the US and derisively scoff at the idea that it's a meaningful issue. I think that the majority of those who take umbrage at that term and the concept are racists, judging from the content of their posts.

 

You didn't reply to my response to you, your partial quoting of me worked in your favour I see. I said I wouldn't prescribe who/when it could be used, etc, but that the thread affirmed my instinct regarding a true homewrecker as opposed to the label being applied to OW.

[sweet_pea]

Personally, I think the term can be used for any OW who is willingly/knowingly helping to wreck a home (whether it was "wrecked" to begin with or not).

 

Yes, the MM is also a homewrecker.

 

The term is definitely still used today, at least where I'm from. I guess it's just an informal/harsher/whatever you want to consider it, way of saying Other Woman.

[Silly_Girl]

Personally, I think the term can be used for any OW who is willingly/knowingly helping to wreck a home (whether it was "wrecked" to begin with or not).

 

Yes, the MM is also a homewrecker.

 

The term is definitely still used today, at least where I'm from. I guess it's just an informal/harsher/whatever you want to consider it, way of saying Other Woman.

 

Immediately, at your first sentence, we disagree

 

My xMM's wife left him for another man. After he (WS's married AP) returned to his wife she returned home and they did not reconcile, they lived together and led part of their lives together and the rest apart. So I was an OW and don't consider I wrecked anything whatsoever. They did that very well all on their own!

[Furious]

Immediately, at your first sentence, we disagree

 

My xMM's wife left him for another man. After he (WS's married AP) returned to his wife she returned home and they did not reconcile, they lived together and led part of their lives together and the rest apart. So I was an OW and don't consider I wrecked anything whatsoever. They did that very well all on their own!

 

Sounds like everyone cheated, MM's wife, then MM with you and then you who cheated on your husband. It seems all of your marriages were wrecked by cheating.

 

I guess it was a homewrecker group effort.

[Silly_Girl]

Sounds like everyone cheated, MM's wife, then MM with you and then you who cheated on your husband. It seems all of your marriages were wrecked by cheating.

 

I guess it was a homewrecker group effort.

 

Someone better tell my husband I cheated on him.

 

And then tell me who he is!!

 

Some marriages really should never have happened, that's not an excuse for cheating, but it's a fact nonetheless.

[Furious]

Someone better tell my husband I cheated on him.

 

And then tell me who he is!!

 

Some marriages really should never have happened, that's not an excuse for cheating, but it's a fact nonetheless.

 

Oh meant to say your husband cheated on you. You were cheated on, then got involved with a MM who was a betrayed spouse thus he cheated on her with you.

 

Lots of homewrecking by the whole lot.

[Silly_Girl]

Oh meant to say your husband cheated on you. You were cheated on, then got involved with a MM who was a betrayed spouse thus he cheated on her with you.

 

Lots of homewrecking by the whole lot.

 

The homewrecking in MM's marriage was not due to cheating. Cheating was merely a symptom. Likewise, when I was cheated on it wasn't that which caused the home to be 'wrecked'.

[Furious]

The homewrecking in MM's marriage was not due to cheating. Cheating was merely a symptom. Likewise, when I was cheated on it wasn't that which caused the home to be 'wrecked'.

 

 

Your thread and what I think you were suggesting was that the WS and not the OW/OM is the homewrecker.

 

Your husband cheated on you, later you became involved with a MM who was a betrayed spouse who then became a WS. Seems as though it was a homewrecker group effort, and regardless as to the problems in each of your marriages cheating was a common link.

 

I think homewrecker is gender neutral and it appears each of you had a hand in it.

Edited April 11, 2013 by Furious

[Silly_Girl]

Your thread and what I think you were suggesting was that the WS and not the OW/OM is the homewrecker.

 

Your husband cheated on you, later you became involved with a MM who was a betrayed spouse who then became a WS. Seems as though it was a homewrecker group effort, and regardless as to the problems in each of your marriages cheating was a common link.

 

I think homewrecker is gender neutral and it appears each of you had a hand in it.

 

The term should be gender neutral. Absolutely!

 

I believe it's often used inaccurately, as I've pointed out in these most recent couple of posts to you, and elsewhere in the thread. I stumbled across a marriage in ruins and have no interest in being described as the person who 'wrecked' that marriage. Likewise, I was in a bad relationship, it was not the cheating that made it bad. So very quickly there are 2 simple scenarios where others may apply the term of 'homewrecker' in the context of cheating, and I would not.

[Summer Breeze]

The term should be gender neutral. Absolutely!

 

I believe it's often used inaccurately, as I've pointed out in these most recent couple of posts to you, and elsewhere in the thread. I stumbled across a marriage in ruins and have no interest in being described as the person who 'wrecked' that marriage. Likewise, I was in a bad relationship, it was not the cheating that made it bad. So very quickly there are 2 simple scenarios where others may apply the term of 'homewrecker' in the context of cheating, and I would not.

 

I get you SG. I think sometimes the M is wrecked beyond repair whether there ends up being any infidelity or not. One friend of mine has a M like that. I don't know who would be to 'blame' for it because I think she and her H are in such a tangle of resentment now they're both to blame at this point. Neither are going to leave though. They like the comfort their incomes provide and both are trading off. They do very little together and their kids are miserable and can't wait to get away to college. It's a M that's wrecked from the inside. I think the saddest thing is that couples don't recognize and act to make Ms like this better. I know that my M wasn't as bad as that but I also know I could have done more to try and hold things together. Our M wasn't wrecked when he cheated but he made quick work of it when he did.

 

ETA This post wasn't supposed to be any dig at all to any BS here and their Ms.

Edited April 11, 2013 by Summer Breeze
ETA

[Henni]

Got it wrote, " I will acknowledge and discuss my behaviors during any point in my life, I am more than happy to lay it bare and dissect it and am pretty open about that. But that doesn't mean I will own "your" judgement of me because, frankly, who the hell are "you"?"

 

I respect that* I think looking at myself, that I can be labeled bitter (when I was as well as anytime it flares up). It was PART of who I was and frankly still is once in a while. I am not Solely "bitter". I'm happy, positive, creative, bitchy, confident, insecure etc... many things make up who I am but non of them is malicious.

 

Got it wrote, " But I also know that what I think and feel on this means diddly squat to her and probably many people because I am one of many in the masses and really who the hell am I anyway?"

 

Well, I think you are incredibly designed! I think you DO matter and you should be heard. I'm not saying this to suck up. I have no need/reason to* and there are some whose voice I'd just as soon Never hear again. Don't ever let that fire in you die!

CIH

 

I don't think you are bitter at all, CIH, and if you are sometimes, it's doesn't seem to me to be clouding your judgement. I don't want to deny the pain that's caused by a relationship ending, a marriage breakup, or an affair. Some seem to cling to the name calling and can't get beyond defining all OW being bad people. I don't know if this helps them. But you are not one of them, and because of this, I look for your posts more than others. I tend to avoid dwelling on posts that are just anger, it's another kind of cloud that will hopefully clear for those expressing it.