"Homewrecker" - lazy terminology?

[Henni]

oh - and respectful means being polite and non aggressive about it, not bad mouthing, and respectful to the kids means giving them time to come to terms with it, considering their well being when deciding when they should know their Pop is in love with someone else and taking a child psychologists advise on that. Taking all professional advise on how to deal with the situation in a way that's least damaging to everyone, in fact, including myself. That's my definition of respectful.

[Henni]

And by "respectful way" you mean lying and sneaking around like a kid trying to sneak a cookie without mommy catching him?

 

This seems to me to be a really kinky fantasy about how all affairs are.

[Henni]

I was going to like your post. But then I think you'd have to come hang out by my locker so we could pass notes or something.

 

Right - but am I allowed to disagree with you on a point or two and still be in your 'gang'? What colour are we supposed to be wearing today?

[Mme. Chaucer]

If a marriage is being wrecked by alcohol, rather than a new relationship, then the person providing the alcohol or opportunity to drink is the 'homewrecker' by your logic. Likewise, if the marriage is being wrecked by gambling, it's the bookie who's the homewrecker, if it's being wrecked by work addiction, it's the work that's the homewrecker, etc.

 

That's the same logic that's being applied to OW / OM as homewreckers.

 

So, if you have a serious relationship someday that is not with a person who's married or committed to another person; a marriage even?

 

You will feel the same way about the bartender who serves your husband as you will towards the women who listen to him talk about how sexless, unattractive, fat, fishwifish, cold, rageful, etc. YOU are, and how dead your marriage is (unbeknownst to you). While the two of them are lying naked in bed together planning a future once he's gotten rid of you?

 

If you say "yes," no way can I believe you.

[Henni]

So, if you have a serious relationship someday that is not with a person who's married or committed to another person; a marriage even?

 

You will feel the same way about the bartender who serves your husband as you will towards the women who listen to him talk about how sexless, unattractive, fat, fishwifish, cold, rageful, etc. YOU are, and how dead your marriage is (unbeknownst to you). While the two of them are lying naked in bed together planning a future once he's gotten rid of you?

 

If you say "yes," no way can I believe you.

 

I have been in serious relationships with someone who cheated and then left me. I think of him as the one who chose to end our relationship. I don't have particular hatred of the other woman, and didn't at the time either. Whats the point in that? She didn't promise me anything.

[Henni]

Oh, I hadn't heard he was divorcing! Well, congratulations then!

 

Maybe she doesn't want him to divorce? Is it soooooo unbelievable to you that people might not fit into the boxes you've made?

[Henni]

Yes. Yes you can.

I don't know about the rest of the gang... cause I'm not even sure who's included lol... but I'm wearing green.

 

OMG!!! I'm, like, totally wearing green too!!! BFF, clearly!!!

 

And we're like, both totally having affairs, it's like, totally the same!!!

 

[Henni]

So, if you have a serious relationship someday that is not with a person who's married or committed to another person; a marriage even?

 

You will feel the same way about the bartender who serves your husband as you will towards the women who listen to him talk about how sexless, unattractive, fat, fishwifish, cold, rageful, etc. YOU are, and how dead your marriage is (unbeknownst to you). While the two of them are lying naked in bed together planning a future once he's gotten rid of you?

 

If you say "yes," no way can I believe you.

 

By the way, he never called his wife fat, fishwifish, rageful or anything like that. He recounted some events which I found quite disturbing, but we're not shagging away and waxing on about how horrible she is afterwards. It's more like, trying to find a way through to a healthier life and find a way to be together with the least upheaval possible for her, for his kids, and for us.

[Henni]

WOW. I have a new BFF. We should get matching necklaces and go get pedicures.

Actually a pedicure sounds like a great idea.

 

ok but I do actually disagree with you on some points, that's ok, right? Do we have to live in the same box?

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

You really seem to have a screwed up perception of what OM / OW here come for. Who is saying 'I'm in an affair! Yaye me!' That's ridiculous - just look at the many stories. It's more often 'I'm in an affair - oh **** - how did this happen - I can't think straight - I need to talk to someone anonymously about this to get my head around it.'

 

I am here for a reason myself. I read a lot of threads and yes, they are often very different. There is a very small contingent of aggressive "affair boosters." Several of you are always coming and going with different user names (no finger pointing, but please, let's acknowledge the truth) and ALL the posts and threads have the same tone. A tone I don't like. But who cares what i like, it's really not important. My point is that it's very noticeable and sincerely it reminds me of a group of "bad girls" in high school sitting around gloating and high-fiving amongst themselves because Cindy's boyfriend made a move on them at the party last night. And then carry on for a while about the flaws of Cindy and what does he see in her, etc.

 

It is this angle that I can't wrap my mind around, and that really sparks my ire.

[Henni]

I am here for a reason myself. I read a lot of threads and yes, they are often very different. There is a very small contingent of aggressive "affair boosters." Several of you are always coming and going with different user names (no finger pointing, but please, let's acknowledge the truth) and ALL the posts and threads have the same tone. A tone I don't like. But who cares what i like, it's really not important. My point is that it's very noticeable and sincerely it reminds me of a group of "bad girls" in high school sitting around gloating and high-fiving amongst themselves because Cindy's boyfriend made a move on them at the party last night. And then carry on for a while about the flaws of Cindy and what does he see in her, etc.

 

It is this angle that I can't wrap my mind around, and that really sparks my ire.

 

Well I am nothing like those girls at your school, OW are not some homogenous group of women who like to pinch other women's men. I have never had an affair before, and was quite shocked to find myself in the situation i'm in now. There is a large contingent of very angry BS here who want to believe that we are all the same and all somehow evil, and the 'homewrecker' word exemplifies that, but it's not true. It's just another form of schoolyard name calling, life is complicated, people try to do their best, it's not always clear how to do that, and sometimes the right thing to do might be something you least expected to be right.

[Henni]

I am here for a reason myself. I read a lot of threads and yes, they are often very different. There is a very small contingent of aggressive "affair boosters." Several of you are always coming and going with different user names (no finger pointing, but please, let's acknowledge the truth) and ALL the posts and threads have the same tone. A tone I don't like. But who cares what i like, it's really not important. My point is that it's very noticeable and sincerely it reminds me of a group of "bad girls" in high school sitting around gloating and high-fiving amongst themselves because Cindy's boyfriend made a move on them at the party last night. And then carry on for a while about the flaws of Cindy and what does he see in her, etc.

 

It is this angle that I can't wrap my mind around, and that really sparks my ire.

 

Also, I was never in a clique at school, or at any time in my life. I'm not into that at all. My friends vary in gender, age, occupation, race, sexual orientation and just about anything you can think of. None of them are black and white thinkers.

[Mme. Chaucer]

OW are not some homogenous group of women who like to pinch other women's men.

 

I know. I am talking about a small contingent of women here who seem to move as a group. I have no way of understanding you guys.

 

The rest of this board and different people who post here do give me a lot I can empathize with and a lot I disagree with vehemently, but … differently.

 

Anyway, I don't think I have anything but more pissiness to add here, so I'll move on to my other pet peeve on LS.

[Henni]

Are you saying that they don't have a good reason to be angry?

 

For some, life isn't complicated...they are calling it as they see it, and the complications in their lives have been placed there by other people than themselves...

If someone uses a negative term to describe a negative action, then as annoying or upsetting as it may be, this "name calling" may just be hitting the mark, at least from their perspective

 

Well, for some, I've already said, maybe the OW / OM loves taking other women's husbands (or men's wives) out of a happy or functional marriage and IS a homewrecker. But for others, and this is the essential point, maybe an affair happens when someone in an unhealthy, unhappy, dysfunctional marriage of loneliness falls for someone else and tries to leave that marriage, and has to steer their way through a lot of dysfunctional, unhappy communication with their soon to be ex spouse to get there. This situation is also common. In this situation, I think the term homewrecker is a misnomer. There was no home left. Neither spouse wanted the marriage anymore. That doesn't mean both spouses will be adult about it or don't want to punish the other.

Edited April 8, 2013 by Henni

[KathyM]

Most affairs start from the point of the WS having no intention of divorcing. The marriage may be struggling, but most marriages go through difficult times. It is the affair that is the fatal blow to the marriage, which might otherwise survive if not for the infidelity. And if the WS has the intention of divorcing, then he/she should have the decency to inform the spouse, rather than deceive her into thinking that he is faithful to her. There's no excuse for conducting an affair while deceiving your spouse into thinking that the marriage and fidelity is intact.

[eleanorrigby]

Well, for some, I've already said, maybe the OW / OM loves taking other women's husbands (or men's wives) out of a happy or functional marriage and IS a homewrecker. But for others, and this is the essential point, maybe an affair happens when someone in an unhealthy, unhappy, dysfunctional marriage of loneliness falls for someone else and tries to leave that marriage, and has to steer their way through a lot of dysfunctional, unhappy communication with their soon to be ex spouse to get there. This situation is also common. In this situation, I think the term homewrecker is a misnomer. There was no home left. Neither spouse wanted the marriage anymore. That doesn't mean both spouses will be adult about it or don't want to punish the other.

 

Cool, sounds like according to the way you define homewrecker, the OW in my situation was one. I always thought she was, but it's good to have an OW validate my feelings.

[Got it]

Just for the record, I don't boost affairs, I've never encouraged a single person to be in an affair and usually hope I can talk them out of it... and I truly don't know anyone that does. (I also don't change usernames and I never thought I was particularly cliquey)

 

Yeah I have never been the "cliquey" type either. I don't know who this group of "you guys" may be. Never much for clubs or cliques, seemed so . . . pedantic.

 

And I agree, I have, to the best of my knowledge, ever advised anyone to jump into an affair. I will support them once they are in it but I have definitely looked to show them the reality of it. I know I have used the term Russian Roulette a number of times on here.

[Got it]

Cool, sounds like according to the way you define homewrecker, the OW in my situation was one. I always thought she was, but it's good to have an OW validate my feelings.

 

Why is it good to have had an OW validate your thoughts on the xOW in your life? I am just curious why the "label" of a poster makes the difference. I am glad that it helps you I am just wondering. (no negative intent just curious).

[ComingInHot]

Originally Posted by eleanorrigby Cool, sounds like according to the way you define homewrecker, the OW in my situation was one. I always thought she was, but it's good to have an OW validate my feelings.

 

Got It,

"Why is it good to have had an OW validate your thoughts on the xOW in your life? I am just curious why the "label" of a poster makes the difference. I am glad that it helps you I am just wondering. (no negative intent just curious)."

 

I am just asking if it is what it is and does, is it a label or definition?

 

I realize A situations differ, but that doesn't mean they're Not still A's.

 

Kind of like, "if the shoe fits.." is what I was thinking. In a not meant bad way*

[Got it]

Originally Posted by eleanorrigby Cool, sounds like according to the way you define homewrecker, the OW in my situation was one. I always thought she was, but it's good to have an OW validate my feelings.

 

Got It,

"Why is it good to have had an OW validate your thoughts on the xOW in your life? I am just curious why the "label" of a poster makes the difference. I am glad that it helps you I am just wondering. (no negative intent just curious)."

 

I am just asking if it is what it is and does, is it a label or definition?

 

I realize A situations differ, but that doesn't mean they're Not still A's.

 

Kind of like, "if the shoe fits.." is what I was thinking. In a not meant bad way*

 

CIH - I am sorry, I am struggling reading this post. Do you mind rephrasing what you were saying.

 

Your comment (I think this was your comment)"I am just asking if it is what it is and does, is it a label or definition?" What does that mean?

 

if you are saying/indicating that an OW would understand and can "speak for" another OW, I guess that is the part I have not understood. I understand, say a BS will share commonalities with another but I don't presume that one BS can speak for another just on the sheer fact that they both have had that experience.

[ComingInHot]

Got it,

I'll try again. It was confusing.

 

If someone calls me bitter and by definition, and during the time of being called bitter, I was bitter, I wouldn't deny it. I'd accept it w/out denying or defending or excuses BUT I would explain why I am bitter.

 

If someone is called _______________ (insert name here ie bitter, thief, manipulater, cheater), and by definition are ______________(showing bitterness, stealing, manipulating, cheating etc...) then Why deny, defend or excuse it?

 

There are many names to define people and their actions during the time they are performing such actions. Some are less "nice" than others for sure.

 

But don't deny what you are during the time you are doing it. Don't defend or excuse it. Why not acknowledge and then explain it?

I have found that w/in the explanation I can find empathy & compassion or choose to walk away before having any further negative confrontation.

[eleanorrigby]

Since I thought it was a sincere thought and statement I was mistakenly helped as I thought it was an interesting line of thought to go down and thought that MAYBE you found some value in something posted. To realize it was just petty and mean it adds zero value, actually negative value, and I am not sure why you would make it. In what way, other than insulting others, did you feel that message was going to convey? What was the point?

 

That was me losing my composure a bit and responding sarcastically to henni's posts. I'd grown irritated with the idea of an OW telling me (or any BS) what words are appropriate to use for the person that I felt harmed me.

 

I'd gotten annoyed that now I'm seen as a bigot because I choose to call the woman that tried to help wreck my home a home wrecker.

 

I'd had enough of it that night and let a little sarcasm out that I hoped would get my message across. i.e. I don't want an OW telling me which group of OW deserve that name and which group don't. I'll decide that for myself.

 

I responded to you the way I did, because I thought my sarcasm was obvious but apparently it wasn't. At that moment I also decided I didn't want to be particularly careful with the words I chose to use in my post.

 

I'm just trying to be authentic and true to myself this morning.

[Henni]

That was me losing my composure a bit and responding sarcastically to henni's posts. I'd grown irritated with the idea of an OW telling me (or any BS) what words are appropriate to use for the person that I felt harmed me.

 

I'd gotten annoyed that now I'm seen as a bigot because I choose to call the woman that tried to help wreck my home a home wrecker.

 

I'd had enough of it that night and let a little sarcasm out that I hoped would get my message across. i.e. I don't want an OW telling me which group of OW deserve that name and which group don't. I'll decide that for myself.

 

I responded to you the way I did, because I thought my sarcasm was obvious but apparently it wasn't. At that moment I also decided I didn't want to be particularly careful with the words I chose to use in my post.

 

I'm just trying to be authentic and true to myself this morning.

 

I'm sorry you were irritated by my post, but whether 'homewrecker' is an appropriate terminology was the topic of this thread.

 

I'm equally irritated by you wanting to put me in a box with a label on it that I don't feel applies and belittling any attempt I make to explain why. I am also trying to be true to myself.

[Silly_Girl]

Why is it good to have had an OW validate your thoughts on the xOW in your life? I am just curious why the "label" of a poster makes the difference. I am glad that it helps you I am just wondering. (no negative intent just curious).

 

I had same earlier in the thread. I don't like it but sometimes direct comments from a certain 'label' poster aren't welcome. I like the robust discussions where it's a free-for-all.

 

In fact, this thread has done quite well overall

[Silly_Girl]

Yes, it has been a good discussion wherin it has been determined that the term "homewrecker" is a perfect description for certain types of people.

 

I take from it that it can rarely be used and there's a very small sub-section of AP's it would apply to.

 

I bet your take is different!