Author katielee Posted April 2, 2013 Author Share Posted April 2, 2013 You mean so that YOU didn't have to be the one healing. believe me, both waywards and betrayed have a lot to heal from, in my opinion the wayward has a lot more work to do... Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted April 2, 2013 Author Share Posted April 2, 2013 Revenge cheating is just as deplorable. in my opinion, it's worse. He knew what it felt like to be the betrayed, he did it anyway. whether or not I was purposely punished, he says no but if you had to write a paragraph about what happened, that's what it would appear to be. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 in my opinion, it's worse. He knew what it felt like to be the betrayed, he did it anyway. whether or not I was purposely punished, he says no but if you had to write a paragraph about what happened, that's what it would appear to be. My H as good as gave me the chance to say that my affair was a revenge affair but I would not go down that route. It would have been avoiding responsibility. However I would have also been mightily pi$$ed off if he said what I had done was worse because I should have known better after his affair. You have to take responsibility for what you have done. He has to take responsibility for what he has done. Neither of you are better or less to blame than the other. Note: I do know my affair was worse than my H's because of time scales, damage, emotions etc but I am trying to make a point to the OP that the "my pain is worse than your pain" thing is not a game to be played here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted April 2, 2013 Author Share Posted April 2, 2013 yes, I agree with you Anne, shouldn't have gone there... Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 My husband had what I would probably call a "revenge affair", but he told the woman he loved her. He always told me my xOM didn't love me, it was about sex totally, until a revelation about 3 months after D-Day and he realized how deep the feelings went. I asked him if it was revenge, and he said he didn't know, maybe. My contention is it is either one or the other. He either loved her (it began with talking about each other's marriages so it was emotional) or he just saw her as a piece of a$$. I think he would like me to think the latter. It's hard for me think that way because he is a generally caring and loving person, so for him to be "that guy" - the one he warns our daughters about, is hard to stomach. For me, frankly, it's worse because I didn't set out to hurt him in that way. I fell in love (or so I thought anyway). It wasn't something I really was looking for (although I'm sure some will say differently). But for him, he already knew what it was like to feel the pain of someone betraying him like that so it was like he wanted me to know what it felt like. The problem is, I was still reeling emotionally, so all it did was make me numb. In fact, his words to me after my affair was "you're going to see that I am the only one that didn't abandon you". Well, I got the double abandonment - my xOM and then my husband. Coming back from this is extremely hard and I still don't know how it will end. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 in my opinion, it's worse. He knew what it felt like to be the betrayed, he did it anyway. Of course YOU think its worse. So far this thread is about how much worse his affair is than yours, even though you actually let the guy penetrate you. He made the choice to forgive you apparently, but you are too focused on "me me me". How about you just file for divorce if you think his affair is worse and you think it would have been better if only you had cheated and not him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 Feeding off the frenzy? Drama keeping you alive? Could you be addicted to the juicyness of it all? so much excitement! Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 My husband had what I would probably call a "revenge affair", but he told the woman he loved her. He always told me my xOM didn't love me, it was about sex totally, until a revelation about 3 months after D-Day and he realized how deep the feelings went. I asked him if it was revenge, and he said he didn't know, maybe. My contention is it is either one or the other. He either loved her (it began with talking about each other's marriages so it was emotional) or he just saw her as a piece of a$$. I think he would like me to think the latter. It's hard for me think that way because he is a generally caring and loving person, so for him to be "that guy" - the one he warns our daughters about, is hard to stomach. For me, frankly, it's worse because I didn't set out to hurt him in that way. I fell in love (or so I thought anyway). It wasn't something I really was looking for (although I'm sure some will say differently). But for him, he already knew what it was like to feel the pain of someone betraying him like that so it was like he wanted me to know what it felt like. The problem is, I was still reeling emotionally, so all it did was make me numb. In fact, his words to me after my affair was "you're going to see that I am the only one that didn't abandon you". Well, I got the double abandonment - my xOM and then my husband. Coming back from this is extremely hard and I still don't know how it will end. Bee true unto Thu own self. Just don't you abandon you! Your husbands pain is a concept. Yours is real. A house fire is no big deal unless its your house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted April 2, 2013 Author Share Posted April 2, 2013 Someone who forgives their wife doesn't go out and have two affairs..... Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 Katie If you are going to keep on with this "he should not have done this because I had" then there is no chance for this marriage. This is not about judging you, it is about whether you and your H stand a chance of reconciling. Whilst you feel the way you do, there is no chance. You see yourself as the victim. I am sure you H has felt like the victim too. Personally I don't see him as having done worse than you. I don't see you as having done worse than him. You have BOTH screwed up your marriage. If you (plural) cannot get past those feelings, then there is only one answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted April 2, 2013 Author Share Posted April 2, 2013 anne - I understand that... but when I tell my store ppl jump all over me about how i deserved what happened and I'm defending mhyself. Maybe I shouldn't even bother. What I am asking is: how do I accept what happened and live with being triggered with the OW here and thinking about all this - jonas had good thoughts about that, although I don't understand his last post. yes we both screwed up, let's say equally, NOW WHAT?! Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 To be honest, I don't really see anybody saying you deserved this. Not even NoFool (who is far from my greatest fan - fair enough too). What I see is posters saying that you cannot make out that what your husband did is worse than what you did - simple as that. And I agree with them. What next? You BOTH need to see whether you can work your way through this with both IC and MC. It may be that you can't. But even then the IC will help you both learn to try and not make the same mistakes in the future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Someone who forgives their wife doesn't go out and have two affairs..... Uh, forgave you after the affairs would have been my guess. Again, just get a divorce. Its obvious he is trying to move past what you did, but you aren't going to extend the same courtesy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 he has told me he has not forgiven me yet. we are both here trying to work to see if we can salvage our marriage or build a new one. I am trying to move past this. But I am having trouble with a few things and that is why I am here. And, I have to continue explaining this. I want to figure out why I can't let go of a few things. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 anne - I understand that... but when I tell my store ppl jump all over me about how i deserved what happened and I'm defending mhyself. Maybe I shouldn't even bother. No, you shouldn't bother if you aren't understanding what people are saying. Unless I missed it, or you can quote it, NOBODY is saying you deserve it. I have told you this. Saying "you reap what you sow" isn't saying you deserve it. Its a true statement. People DO reap what they sow, doesn't mean they deserve it. As you said, NOBODY deserves to be cheated on, not you or your husband. What I am asking is: how do I accept what happened and live with being triggered with the OW here and thinking about all this The same way your husband has to accept what happened and live with the triggers and mind movies. If you want the marriage to survive, you have to suck it up and realize that the OW don't want anything to do with you or your husband and vice versa. yes we both screwed up, let's say equally, NOW WHAT?! You move on, or get a divorce. Not saying it doesn't hurt when you see the OW. But you need to realize, just because your OM doesn't live anywhere near that your H doesn't hurt or gets angry when he thinks about you riding another man. You both need to deal with your pain if you both want the marriage. Maybe I missed it, but are you two in marriage counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 telling me I can't walk at a park where OM built me a snowman is not "getting past it." Especially when he sees the OW and I have to be ok with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 oh I know my husband has triggers... yes we are in MC. I went to IC last night and this is what she said: She was really tough on me. It's like everyone is saying the same thing..." move forward being married or move forward with a divorce. Trust when you don't feel like trusting because married people trust each other. Give up the spying and control because married people don't do that. Your behaviors are not reflecting married people behavior. People have triggers and you handled seeing these women just fine. Some days it will wreck half your day, other times maybe a half hour. Yep its unfair, life is uncomfortable." So, I trust when I don't feel like trusting and I am uncomfortable some of the time. What a fun life. I'm sure my husband feels the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 You just don't understand a thing do you? NOBODY is saying you have to be ok with it, and your H doesn't have to be either. Ok, we have tried to get you to see that you are thinking you are more of a victim here, and we have tried to get you to see that neither of you have to be ok with what happened, but if you want the marriage go survive, you have to move on, get counseling, whatever. But its clear that you aren't listening and just want to complain about what your husband did and play the "what he did was worse than what I did" game. So just get a divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 You just don't understand a thing do you? apparently not and I'm being treated condescendingly so I will leave this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 I've come to realize I'm having a really hard time with acceptance. I can't accept what he did Sure I want to move forward, and he's being pretty great, but that means I have to swallow some big unfairness, and I'm fighting against that. I think this is the gist of your problem, why you can't deal with this. Something in you is inherently selfish, self-serving, taking care of yourself first. That's not necessarily a bad thing, unless you hurt someone with it. So now you've hurt the one you love in the worst possible way. And yet instead of focusing on that - which would require you to be hard on yourself and avoid the self-serving side of you - you focus on what has hurt YOU. Until you can reach the utter humility you need to open your eyes and heart to how you hurt him, you'll both continue to suffer. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 apparently not and I'm being treated condescendingly so I will leave this thread. Its real simple. People tell you you dont' deserve this, but you come back and say we are saying otherwise. People tell you that you don't have to be ok with it, but then you come back and say we said you do, right after we said you don't. Thats the problem. You say we are saying things that we are not. Link to post Share on other sites
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