I feel taken for granted. How do I know if it's time to break up?

[Sweetnothing]

Ok so I've been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years. Pretty typical situation everything was great at first, couldn't get enough of each other blah blah blah

 

Then things started cooling off and now he barely shows any affection blah blah blah. I still hug him, kiss him, and try to he his hand, but if I don't do any of this he won't either. He keeps texting to a bare minimum and I just feel like he's lost interest. He swears up and down he still loves me but I get the feeling he doesn't really give a crap.

 

I've tried talking to him about it but being a female I inadvertently come off sounding like I'm accusing him (in his mind) and he immediately shuts down or goes home. Every attempt to communicate has failed horribly and I don't know if it's because of me saying the wrong thing (I never yell or tell him he's a terrible person or anything like that) or if he just doesn't give a ****, doesn't want to hear about it, and doesn't want to deal with it. I'm thinking the latter, but what do I know?

 

We still care about each other so I'm willing to keep trying if there's a chance I can get the message across in an effective way. The question is " is HE willing?" How can I speak to him in a way that will give me a clear answer? I've already come to terms with the fact that if he refuses to meet my needs we have to part ways, but I'm not ready to throw it all away without giving it my best shot.

[TheGuard13]

Was here recently myself. If he was willing to make it work, he'd be making it work, or trying to communicate. How are you communicating with him? What do you say to him?

[KraftDinner]

Talking to him is pointless, that's one thing he has made obvious.

 

In his mind, why should he change? He can put in zero effort and he still gets a devoted gf who wants to kiss him and hold his hand.

 

Sorry to say but it sounds like he doesn't respect you very much. And you're right on the money when you say he takes you for granted.

 

I've heard the analogy of a relationship being like a rowboat. You should both be rowing. Sometimes one can't row for a bit, and the other takes over. But it can't always be the same person rowing.

 

Okay, corny analogy perhaps, but it really makes sense to me.

 

You need to stop rowing. Stop trying to figure out how to get to him. Step back. Consider ending it. But for heaven's sake, don't chase him more. Trying to talk to him is a losing battle. Plus it gives him more "power" in his head, probably, reinforcing his feeling that he can do whatever he wants and you'll pull closer.

 

Plus keep this in mind. When you express the fact that you're upset, he leaves. That is so cruel.

 

And bottom line: it doesn't sound as though he's all that into the relationship. You can be the best girlfriend in the world but if he's lost interest (which it sounds like he has, I'm sorry to say), it won't matter. Don't prolong the inevitable. Step back; the ball is in his court.

[Sweetnothing]

Was here recently myself. If he was willing to make it work, he'd be making it work, or trying to communicate. How are you communicating with him? What do you say to him?

 

Yeah I'm sort of leaning more towards "he's not willing to make it work". I say "could you try to be a little more affectionate towards me physically?" To which he replies he has NO idea what I mean because he thinks he is very affectionate. I say "for example last night when we went out you barely touched me" he insists that he was affectionate when he kissed me on the cheek once the entire time we were at this bar which I reciprocated and then that was it. I purposely lay off him to see what he will do and each time he will kiss me maybe once of twice throughout the night and spend the rest of the time talking to his friends. It's not that he's shy or feels weird about affection in public. I used to be like a prize to him. He would always be holding me and kissing me when we went out.

 

Appearance-wise I haven't changed. If anything I've gotten more attractive since we've been dating. I wasn't heavy to begin with but I lost 10 pounds and treated myself to a new wardrobe. He even said he finds me more attractive so it's not that I "let myself go" or anything. I have a lot of respect for myself and I don't think I act clingy. I can't explain why he is being so distant.

[Sweetnothing]

Talking to him is pointless, that's one thing he has made obvious.

 

In his mind, why should he change? He can put in zero effort and he still gets a devoted gf who wants to kiss him and hold his hand.

 

Sorry to say but it sounds like he doesn't respect you very much. And you're right on the money when you say he takes you for granted.

 

I've heard the analogy of a relationship being like a rowboat. You should both be rowing. Sometimes one can't row for a bit, and the other takes over. But it can't always be the same person rowing.

 

Okay, corny analogy perhaps, but it really makes sense to me.

 

You need to stop rowing. Stop trying to figure out how to get to him. Step back. Consider ending it. But for heaven's sake, don't chase him more. Trying to talk to him is a losing battle. Plus it gives him more "power" in his head, probably, reinforcing his feeling that he can do whatever he wants and you'll pull closer.

 

Plus keep this in mind. When you express the fact that you're upset, he leaves. That is so cruel.

 

And bottom line: it doesn't sound as though he's all that into the relationship. You can be the best girlfriend in the world but if he's lost interest (which it sounds like he has, I'm sorry to say), it won't matter. Don't prolong the inevitable. Step back; the ball is in his court.

 

You're right. I've sadly already realized most of this but up until now kept hoping for a miraculous turnaround. I miss who he used to be and no matter how many times we women hear "you can't change a man" we let our dumb emotions mask the truth.

[Sweetnothing]

This is pretty typical male behavior. Once they "have" you alot of them will go on autopilot and dont see the need to maintain the relationship. I normally tell people to just talk about it to the other person but it seems you already have and its led nowhere. The fact that he dismisses your needs is also a bad sign. I understand your pain about bringing up issues and being told "youre just being a female" but realize it is a copout so men can be selfish and still have you so ignore it. If you want to have a happy relationship I would recommend moving on and finding somebody else since he doesnt seem to be concerned that you arent happy.

Yeah next time I will be more careful and put my needs first. He should care about my happiness but he doesn't and there is nothing I can do. Oh well.

[TheGuard13]

My girlfriend did the exact same thing. Acted like she had no idea why I'd be unfulfilled, etc. Sometimes attraction just diminshes for whatever reason. I'd say have a serious talk with him about whether he wants to be with you anymore, and if that doesn't work, break it off.

[Sweetnothing]

My girlfriend did the exact same thing. Acted like she had no idea why I'd be unfulfilled, etc. Sometimes attraction just diminshes for whatever reason. I'd say have a serious talk with him about whether he wants to be with you anymore, and if that doesn't work, break it off.

I've had serious talks...or at least serious for me. To him it feels like an ultimatum when really I'm just trying to make things work. He has no interest and I've fooled myself for too long.

[TheGuard13]

It's tough to realize that. It sucks to be in that place where there's no reason it shouldn't be working somehow, but it isn't.

[Sweetnothing]

It's tough to realize that. It sucks to be in that place where there's no reason it shouldn't be working somehow, but it isn't.

That was exactly the problem. Things were fine...now they're not and you want a reason but there isn't a reason. It just is or it isn't. I guess it's better than just being dumped out of the blue with no explanation which has happened to me before. THAT makes it even harder to move on. This time I can look at it and say I did everything I could. His apathy has taken such a toll on my feelings that I can honestly say I will be fine without him. The pain of staying is greater than the fear of leaving and I no longer expect that one day he will wake up and realize what a terrible mistake he's made. I hope he will, but it's unlikely and what's more likely is that he might change for a week and then go back to his old ways so I will try to stop entertaining the fantasy of him ever truly loving me.

[KatZee]

There's really no more time for beating around the bush. Staying with someone hoping things get better is nothing but a waste of time.

 

It sounds like he's honestly not even interested in putting in the bare minimum. Many guys fall victim to this mentality. They feel once they have the girl, and they've been together for a while, they no longer have to do anything to impress her. He no longer has to go out of his way or anything. This is the complete wrong mentality and this is why so many guys get dumped "out of the blue" and don't have a clue what went wrong.

 

You have to sit him down and say, "We've been together for a year and a half now. I love you very much and we've had great times together, but I don't feel like I am getting my needs met in this relationship. I want to tell you what I need from my partner and if it's not possible for you to give those things to me, I think it's best we go our separate ways before we begin to resent each other."