In need of some guidance

[elplague]

So, some back ground.

 

My brother is a heroin addict. His addiction started a year or so ago when he moved with his girlfriend to Philadelphia for work. She was a bartender, he was a pipe fitter. They have a lovely 1 year old daughter, who lives with them.

 

Things began spiralling when he wanted to move home. He looked strung out, etc. Wanted to be here with his friends. I knew something was up, that he was fabricating stories of her cheating, in order to get back up here and do some stuff with his friends. He's had issues with pills and alcohol in the past.

 

A few months go by and he leaves a solid job to come live at home. No prospects, and no income. Just up and leaves. I mention to my mother (who is struggling with her own pain medication misuse due to a back problem) that he's on something. It eventually comes out.

 

My sister and her kids move into mom's house, to help take care of her, and provide income. Mom is going through a divorce and disability claim at the same time. My brother moves back in. Despite three small children living there, my sister makes the discovery; a bag of used hyperdermic needles, in plain sight, in the living room, feet from her children.

 

My brother now is open about the heroin addiction. His childhood friend is now his dealer. He decides to go to rehab, to try and kick the habit. I drive him down with mom. This is right before christmas. It's a 60 day program, fully covered by insurance. Mom and I discuss how it should be handled; we both agree, if he tries to check out, no one will pick him up.

 

2 days of detox, and he checks out. Mom picks him up. I was blazingly mad, angry as hell that our agreement, and the mutual respect therein, was shattered. I was angry, and told her as much.

 

Recently, he has stolen a $300 pen, 4,000 in jewelry from her, and pawned it to feed this ridiculous addiction. My sister and her husband, concerned for mom's well being, and that of their children, are demanding that he leave, since they are paying rent. Without it, she will lose the house.

 

However, mom is defending the addict. Typical enabler behavior. She'd rather see my sister, her husband, and kids, out, then stop enabling my brother, and keep her house.

 

Recent events. In January, he was busted driving his dealer, in mom's car, to pick up heroin in NJ. He got PTI, and probation, and forced rehab. His dealer took a deal to be an informant, and backed out of course.

 

Last week, his GF stole my fathers vehicle, drove this same dealer to the same distributor, and was busted on the way back. They had 250 bags of dope on them. My fathers vehicle was impounded, at an expense of $250.

 

Mom and I have no relationship. I have no relationship with my addict brother, or his fiancee/gf. One of my previous best friends was found dead of heroin overdose three weeks ago, but revived by paramedics.

 

How do I handle this? I'm buying a house next month is the closing, and I am moving north, about an hour from the family. I know it's not my choices that are creating this scenario. I'm struggling with a metric ton of anger, and the urge to drown him in the river for destroying everything there. I'm struggling with anger at mom for enabling him and being an addict herself. I realise I will let go of this anger in time, and the best thing for me to do possibly is to disconnect completely, change my phone number, and not give mom my address so I am not being derailed by this addiction.

 

At the same time, I am struggling with worry over her health and well being. She is destroying every relationship she has left. She's nearly burnt the bridge with me, and is now setting the match to the bridge with my sister. Her brother, my uncle, wanted her to come live with him to be away from all of this, but she has now burnt that bridge as well.

[BetheButterfly]

So, some back ground.

 

My brother is a heroin addict.

 

I am sorry. Heroin is hard to get un-enslaved from, yes? Like meth?

 

His addiction started a year or so ago when he moved with his girlfriend to Philadelphia for work. She was a bartender, he was a pipe fitter. They have a lovely 1 year old daughter, who lives with them.

His daughter really needs a healthy father. This is so important because she could be at risk as she grows, without a healthy and strong male role model in her life. That male role model should ideally be her Dad.

 

Things began spiralling when he wanted to move home. He looked strung out, etc. Wanted to be here with his friends. I knew something was up, that he was fabricating stories of her cheating, in order to get back up here and do some stuff with his friends. He's had issues with pills and alcohol in the past.

 

A few months go by and he leaves a solid job to come live at home. No prospects, and no income. Just up and leaves. I mention to my mother (who is struggling with her own pain medication misuse due to a back problem) that he's on something. It eventually comes out.

 

My sister and her kids move into mom's house, to help take care of her, and provide income. Mom is going through a divorce and disability claim at the same time. My brother moves back in. Despite three small children living there, my sister makes the discovery; a bag of used hyperdermic needles, in plain sight, in the living room, feet from her children.

 

My brother now is open about the heroin addiction. His childhood friend is now his dealer. He decides to go to rehab, to try and kick the habit. I drive him down with mom. This is right before christmas. It's a 60 day program, fully covered by insurance. Mom and I discuss how it should be handled; we both agree, if he tries to check out, no one will pick him up.

That's awesome that you took him there!!!

 

 

2 days of detox, and he checks out.

 

Mom picks him up.

 

I was blazingly mad, angry as hell that our agreement, and the mutual respect therein, was shattered. I was angry, and told her as much.

Understood

 

Why did she pick him up? She needed to have told him to get back there and encourage him to get free of his addiction.

 

Recently, he has stolen a $300 pen, 4,000 in jewelry from her, and pawned it to feed this ridiculous addiction.

 

My sister and her husband, concerned for mom's well being, and that of their children, are demanding that he leave, since they are paying rent.

Understood. He is enslaved to this addiction and is not loving his family at the moment.

 

Without it, she will lose the house.

However, mom is defending the addict. Typical enabler behavior. She'd rather see my sister, her husband, and kids, out, then stop enabling my brother, and keep her house.

She needs counseling. I think you need to take her to a lady counselor who can connect with her and explain to her that she is just hurting her son by enabling him to continue his addiction. She needs a lady who has gone through what she has gone through yet has shown "tough love" to her son and encouraged him to get free. She needs to cry with this lady and pour out her heart to this lady who can understand what she as a Mom is going through... it is so hard.

 

While I have not experienced this, a few friends at church have experienced their loved ones enslaved to drugs. They have a support group though which helps them understand that in order to help their loved ones get free, they need to not coddle them but rather to firmly yet gently encourage them to tough out the painful process of recovery.

 

Recent events. In January, he was busted driving his dealer, in mom's car, to pick up heroin in NJ. He got PTI, and probation, and forced rehab. His dealer took a deal to be an informant, and backed out of course.

 

Last week, his GF stole my fathers vehicle, drove this same dealer to the same distributor, and was busted on the way back. They had 250 bags of dope on them. My fathers vehicle was impounded, at an expense of $250.

 

Mom and I have no relationship.

Please make one then? She needs to know you love her and she needs your encouragement for her to get counseling so she will stop enabling your brother.

 

I have no relationship with my addict brother, or his fiancee/gf.

He needs to know he is worth getting free from his addiction... relationships are a way for people to know they are worth being loved and worth taking care of themselves.

 

One of my previous best friends was found dead of heroin overdose three weeks ago, but revived by paramedics.

I am so glad he was revived by the paramedics and I hope he turns his life around!!!

 

 

How do I handle this?

Love. Love can be tough. You can say, "Mom, I love you. Please let me take you to counseling. I know it's hard on you, but everyone needs help in order to get out of this situation."

I'm buying a house next month is the closing, and I am moving north, about an hour from the family.

I think that's fine, to live farther away. It's not bad at all to put some distance, both physical and emotional, in between you, but that doesn't mean to disown them.

 

I know it's not my choices that are creating this scenario.

True.

 

I'm struggling with a metric ton of anger, and the urge to drown him in the river for destroying everything there.

Not a good idea.

 

I'm struggling with anger at mom for enabling him and being an addict herself. I realise I will let go of this anger in time, and the best thing for me to do possibly is to disconnect completely, change my phone number, and not give mom my address so I am not being derailed by this addiction.]

I guess you could do that... some people just run away from their problems, instead of confronting those problems with love. I am not immune to that... I ran away from my first marriage, though I believe my ex-husband and I should not have gotten married in the first place.

 

However, family ... one's Mom and brother... are different. You didn't choose them and they didn't choose you. They are your flesh and blood and are enslaved to a substance, one directly and another through enabling the one being enslaved. They really need a strong and loving man in their lives to root for them, encourage them, and not run away from them. They need someone who is strong and caring and loving who will encourage them to free themselves from this hell on earth.

 

You can be that man! You can do that even an hour away from them! I know it's easier to run away, but love doesn't run away. Love says, "Hey! I want the best for you!!! I want you to be happy and healthy! Please get help!!! Please let me help you!!!"

 

While it can task your emotions and tear at your heart, it can also help you grow. Look through their eyes. Put themselves in their shoes. See the pain and the hurt and the helplessness that freezes them to not change. Have empathy for them. They need a hero. They need someone to show them they are worth all the pain struggling for freedom sadly requires.

 

I think it'd be good to at least call your Mom and tell her you love her and offer support for her to get counseling, but it's also important to tell her that you won't be an enabler for your brother and that you won't encourage her to enable him either.

At the same time, I am struggling with worry over her health and well being.

Because you love her. You care for her.

 

She is destroying every relationship she has left. She's nearly burnt the bridge with me, and is now setting the match to the bridge with my sister. Her brother, my uncle, wanted her to come live with him to be away from all of this, but she has now burnt that bridge as well.

 

Is there any way to get the Intervention help... though not on the TV show?

 

I also recommend seeing if these organizations can help in some way... http://www.learn2cope.org/

 

http://www.patmoorefoundation.com/9-tips-dealing-and-supporting-heroin-addict-your-household-without-enabling

 

http://www.treatmentsolutions.com/drug-alcohol-support-groups/

 

http://www.drug-rehab-center-hotline.com/celebraterecovery.html (This one is a Christian program, though I mention it because some of my friends are ex-druggies -recovering addicts who have been sober now for years- who have been helped through this program.)

 

http://www.intervention-interventionist.com/Addiction-Intervention.html?gclid=CJ7LtI68qrYCFaiiPAodSxcAdg

 

http://www.sobernation.com/online-heroin-support-groups/

 

I recommend the family getting involved in a heroin support group. Support groups do help many people.

Edited April 1, 2013 by BetheButterfly

[pureinheart]

((((((((hugs)))))))))

 

You are the only voice of reason that any of them have- I really hate to see you walk away completely for many reasons.

 

You explain things so clear and accurate, and I would venture to say that you are able to do this void of emotional outbursts, of which can be so common in these situations- I'm betting there is a lot of tension and drama in that house right now. I would also venture to say that your voice of reason has diffused many possible "dramtic" situations already- some, maybe without you even knowing it, meaning something you've spoken to any one of them previously kicked in at the needed time.

 

I believe that you are essential to this matter, BUT, you must take care of you first. Would it be possible to detach for a time and regroup?

 

You sound like you are the only adult in this sitution, and I know I'm rambling about you not walking away completely, although they all need you now- when you are able to be there for them.

 

Hate, despice, or whatever term fits best, what they do, although don't hate them (your mother and brother)...I agree on all points with Bethy...love can cure this horrible situation. The love you have for your family is obvious, your frustration lies with some really horrible decisions being made at this point.

 

You and your family have my heartfelt thoughts (if that's ok) again, ((((((lots of hugs E))))))

[elplague]

Thanks for the words of support.

 

Some more, if you will, to better understand my detachment at this point. First, my relationship with my mother, and why I've chosen to detach.

 

My mother has been an addict for 10 years. She has not been active, has not worked for more then 5 years, and is clearly also addicted to the internet. As far as I am aware, she hardly leaves her bedroom any more.

 

I moved out march of last year, finally having some stability. My sister moved in then, and started paying rent, as my father (who left due to an affair) stopped making payments to my mother for the house. In the interim, I've moved to the next stage in my relationship with my girlfriend, and we are buying a house together.

 

Since I've left, my mother has seen to it that there is very little attempt on her behalf to remain neutral and invest in her relationship with me. She is aware of my decision and why I've made it. She cannot have a conversation with me, without making it about my brother, his girlfriend, or his friends. I do not want a relationship by proxy, wherein she drags me into this misery at a time in my life that is supposed to be full of happiness and excitement.

 

Her treatment of me has affected me in many ways. From nights where I cannot sleep, to days where I am angry and frustrated. I DO want a relationship with her, but I cannot be involved any closer then arms length at this stage.

 

I would offer therapy for her, but she, also, is an addict, and has been in denial for years. Not only has this damaged our relationship, but has made any conversation about such nigh impossible, as she becomes angry and does not want to listen.

 

It may sound harsh, walking away. These are the consequences of my choice, however, and I'm prepared to deal with them. There is alot, alot of guilt that comes with the choice, but I too, have to deal with that. These are my choices, after all. Many folks, myself included at one time, thought walking away was the worst thing a person could do.

 

However, once you realise that what feels good and cushy actually makes the situation worse, and what feels hard and difficult is the only way to help, it's like a veil is lifted.

 

My mother is aware that I love her, and care very much about her well being.

 

She is also an addict. And while I can love and accept her, I cannot accept the addict. The two are seperate. The old saying is, I don't want to kick you out, but I can't keep the addict in my house. Seperation is key here; compassion and understanding of course play a pivotal role in this experience.

 

As it stands, I have typed a very personal letter to her. I am going to snail mail it to her, and see if she responds. If she does not, then I am going to feel it is safe to assume she has no interest in building a relationship with me, and seeking help for herself.

 

As much as I love her, I cannot sit by, thinking I am helping, when in reality I am pushing myself and them further into this cycle of despair.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry for everything you are going through.

 

Your mom and your brother are both sick and refuse to get help. That's not your fault. They are both adults and your brother has a small child. If she isn't enough motivation for him to get clean and her and the other grandchildren aren't enough for your mom, then I'm sorry but I highly doubt that there is anything that you can say or do to motivate either one of them.

 

It sounds hard but I really think you need to wash your hands of them. They add nothing to your life....just take....and how long can you keep that up without it taking its toll on you?

 

You can't save them but you can save yourself.

 

Anyway I'm real sorry to hear what you are going through.

[elplague]

I'm sorry for everything you are going through.

 

Your mom and your brother are both sick and refuse to get help. That's not your fault. They are both adults and your brother has a small child. If she isn't enough motivation for him to get clean and her and the other grandchildren aren't enough for your mom, then I'm sorry but I highly doubt that there is anything that you can say or do to motivate either one of them.

 

It sounds hard but I really think you need to wash your hands of them. They add nothing to your life....just take....and how long can you keep that up without it taking its toll on you?

 

You can't save them but you can save yourself.

 

Anyway I'm real sorry to hear what you are going through.

 

Thanks. I'm never going to fully wash my hands of them; I still love and care about them. But I have boundaries. Right now those boundaries are basically no contact of any kind. It will remain that way until things change drastically. It's family. Even if I don't hear directly -from- them, I will hear about them.

[amaysngrace]

Thanks. I'm never going to fully wash my hands of them; I still love and care about them. But I have boundaries. Right now those boundaries are basically no contact of any kind. It will remain that way until things change drastically. It's family. Even if I don't hear directly -from- them, I will hear about them.

 

Yes you will but for now it's in your best interest to walk away and get as far away as possible. If they know they can't come to you to bail them out then they won't.

 

Unfortunately your mom may end up losing her house and every other thing if your brother keeps selling her possessions.

 

She's sounds pretty bad off though...her main topic of conversation should be her grandkids, not her junkie son's friends....one would think....

[BetheButterfly]

Thanks. I'm never going to fully wash my hands of them;

 

That's good.

 

I still love and care about them.

I am glad.

 

But I have boundaries. Right now those boundaries are basically no contact of any kind. It will remain that way until things change drastically. It's family. Even if I don't hear directly -from- them, I will hear about them.

Well, I hope no contact works for your family then...

 

While my family does not have an issue with drug addiction, we do have an issue with bipolar. Bipolar is a very difficult disorder that messes with the chemicals in the brain, and my wonderful genius Dad and one of my lovely sisters has this disorder. We believe Dad's Mom had it too, even though she was not diagnosed with it. It seems to be an inherited disorder... fun fun.

 

For us, family is what helps keep my Dad and my sis from "falling off the edge." I could not ever imagine cutting off contact with them. I know how important we are to their wellbeing. I think family has also helped my sis with bipolar not be lured into taking drugs or getting drunk. She knows we fight for her. Bipolar is tough; I don't know how many times she has cried and has told us she HATES not being "normal" and we grieve too. We wouldn't wish bipolar on anybody.

 

It is important to put up boundaries, and we have. That doesn't mean no contact though for us. Without contact from us, we know without a doubt our loved ones with this horrible disorder would self-destruct.

 

Sad to say, many people who suffer from bipolar end up homeless on the streets, abandoned by their family and former friends, or willfully abandoning them. My Mom, my sisters, and I don't want our loved ones to be another statistic though, and Love is what keeps us fighting for them, encouraging them to keep on their medicine even when they feel they don't need it (fun, fun ), and being there for them, while maintaining boundaries.

 

It's ironic that we have to make sure they are taking specific drugs (prescribed to treat their disorder), instead of trying to convince them to not take a certain drug.

 

From what I've heard about heroin addiction, it can become a mental illness of sorts... it changes their brain and creates a painful and incredibly difficult disorder that is hard to heal. The following article by Russell Brand is enlightening, I personally think:

 

The only way to help addicts is to treat them as sick, not bad » Spectator Blogs

 

In your brother's case, I do 100% believe your Mom should not allow him to live with her, but rather demand he go back to detox and stick it out. I 100% believe in not giving money to a drug or alcoholic addict. However, I don't believe in no contact. I guess the reason why is because while I do not have that struggle with my family, the struggle with bipolar has helped me see how much contact means to my Dad and my sis who suffer with it. Without Love, they would probably be homeless today.

 

While I understand addiction to a drug is different than a mental disorder, again, the addiction can sicken the brain of the addict. So, I really hope for the case of your brother and Mom, that no contact from you wakes them up to their need to change, before it's too late...

 

If any of my sisters were addicted to heroin though, I do not think I would do the no contact route. Rather, I'd be calling everyday to invite her to detox and would be encouraging her everyday to stick it out and get better and know we love her and we want the best for her. I love my sisters and have a very strong relationship with each of them though, even though the one with bipolar and I used to not have a strong relationship. Fighting for our family though has brought my sister with bipolar and me closer together, cause we both believe family is worth fighting for, and Love is the way to win against whatever tries to tear family apart.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through, and I really wish time could be turned back and your brother would have decided to not take this drug in the first place. It is really sad when people try to fill the hole in their lives with harmful substances, or give in to peer pressure just to "fit in" with the crowd. I wish you and your family the best. Whatever happens, please know it's not your fault... Whether you do not contact them and never hear from them again, or whether you contact them everyday, it's ultimately their choice what they do... do not blame yourself. Blame the drug that enslaves them... I hope they fight the drug, cause it won't go away without a huge fight and a lot of pain.

 

Bipolar, as least right now, has no cure that my family knows of... Love and constant contact and encouragement is what keeps the destruction of our family and our loved ones with this disorder at bay. It sounds like heroin addiction is very difficult to be 100% cured of, but I really do hope your brother wakes up and decides he is worth being free of this horrible addiction. I am glad my Dad and sis fight hard against bipolar... they do because they love us. While heroin addiction robs the brain of the ability to love, bipolar doesn't... it just makes it harder. Again, I hope your brother wakes up and fights hard against his addiction, and wins!!!

 

You said your Mom is an addict too... is she addicted to heroin as well? Whatever she is addicted to, I hope she also wakes up and fights hard against her addiction, and wins!!!

 

Blessings Elplague, and whatever you do, don't beat yourself up. While I disagree with no contact for a drug addict, I can see you love your family and I really hope they wake up before it's too late. Who knows? Maybe no contact from you will wake them up? I don't know. I hope they wake up though... I hope they fight this drug and win!

[elplague]

Thanks. Mom is addicted to pain medication.

 

Some more. I know a slight bit about bi-polar, as my sister has this disorder. Heroin addiction does actually alter the way the brain works. My sister, being bi-polar, is prone to random fits of depression or mania, and therein, charges people with things they didn't do, etc.

 

Addiction however, is different. One instance in particular. My brother and my dog were very close. He loved my brother, my brother loved him. Last week, the dog was sick, his #2 was filled with blood. When I saw my brother last, and told him about it (The dog is fine now, btw.) he really couldn't care less.

 

The addiction consumes them. They steal. They lie. They say hateful, harmful things. The problem with addiction is seperating the addict from the person. My brother was never like this. But the addict is. The addict is ashamed, but consumed with needing drugs. The addict doesn't care who's property they are taking. Who they hurt when they ask for things and are told no.

 

Addicts only break when they hit rock bottom. While he has a roof, hot food, a car, and a seemingly endless supply of pain medication and baubles to steal from my mom, or car rides and cash from family members, he will never hit rock bottom. The addict will win.

 

Holding on, keeping contact, only shows the addict that they can keep the addiction and the family, and continue being the addict.

 

For one, going no contact on an addict is much different then someone who has a mental disorder like bi-polarism. Folks who are diagnosed with bi-polar get treatment. They are still people.

 

I can't explain it too well, as it isn't my area of expertise.

[BetheButterfly]

Thanks. Mom is addicted to pain medication.

 

Some more. I know a slight bit about bi-polar, as my sister has this disorder. Heroin addiction does actually alter the way the brain works. My sister, being bi-polar, is prone to random fits of depression or mania, and therein, charges people with things they didn't do, etc.

 

Addiction however, is different. One instance in particular. My brother and my dog were very close. He loved my brother, my brother loved him. Last week, the dog was sick, his #2 was filled with blood. When I saw my brother last, and told him about it (The dog is fine now, btw.) he really couldn't care less.

 

The addiction consumes them. They steal. They lie. They say hateful, harmful things. The problem with addiction is seperating the addict from the person. My brother was never like this. But the addict is. The addict is ashamed, but consumed with needing drugs. The addict doesn't care who's property they are taking. Who they hurt when they ask for things and are told no.

 

Addicts only break when they hit rock bottom. While he has a roof, hot food, a car, and a seemingly endless supply of pain medication and baubles to steal from my mom, or car rides and cash from family members, he will never hit rock bottom. The addict will win.

 

Holding on, keeping contact, only shows the addict that they can keep the addiction and the family, and continue being the addict.

 

For one, going no contact on an addict is much different then someone who has a mental disorder like bi-polarism. Folks who are diagnosed with bi-polar get treatment. They are still people.

 

I can't explain it too well, as it isn't my area of expertise.

 

Well, I hope no contact works then... for your brother and your Mom's sakes.