Got this new email today - Don't know if I can resist her and want to take her back!

[Noma]

Well in that NC really is best! You have to do what is right for you.

[Standard-Fare]

I interpret her latest email as "You shot me down when I laid my emotions bare to you, so I'm trying to take back dignity and control." The reaction it's aiming to trigger in you is: "Whoa, she's for real -- she's truly moving on now and I'm going to have to take some decisive actions if I want to get her back."

 

But as you and others have pointed out, she's on an emotional rollercoaster right now and clearly has no clue what she actually wants from you.

 

I don't have enough of the back story to know if you should be hoping for reconciliation at all. But if you really love her and there's a realistic chance of that, I do think you should check back in with her at some point. Not anytime soon. Definitely leave her hanging for a while to simmer in her emotions. But it sounds like so much is up in the air that maybe both of you will require a more clear conclusion at some point.

[Harlequin_Dog]

I may be completely alone here- but why don't you actually sit down and talk this out with her?

 

If you really have deep feelings, and she does as well, NC may be a mistake. I'd go LC, but let her know, 'hey- I'm thinking things over, but I want to talk.' Right now, it reads to me like she got the wrong impression from your last e-mail and now thinks any future with you is gone.

 

It's really possible the newest e-mail you got was more to save face than anything else. She may feel very embarrassed for e-mailing you begging to talk, only to be shut down.

[Noma]

I may be completely alone here- but why don't you actually sit down and talk this out with her?

 

If you really have deep feelings, and she does as well, NC may be a mistake. I'd go LC, but let her know, 'hey- I'm thinking things over, but I want to talk.' Right now, it reads to me like she got the wrong impression from your last e-mail and now thinks any future with you is gone.

 

It's really possible the newest e-mail you got was more to save face than anything else. She may feel very embarrassed for e-mailing you begging to talk, only to be shut down.

 

I completely agree! Like I posted earlier... However if it is too early for him, then it is too early. Bu if you are willing to put your heart on the line as well. Talk things over... And then move slow!

[AloneInParadise]

Right now, it reads to me like she got the wrong impression from your last e-mail and now thinks any future with you is gone.

 

I'm hoping that's exactly what she thinks.

[Mack05]

I may be completely alone here- but why don't you actually sit down and talk this out with her?

 

If you really have deep feelings, and she does as well, NC may be a mistake. I'd go LC, but let her know, 'hey- I'm thinking things over, but I want to talk.' Right now, it reads to me like she got the wrong impression from your last e-mail and now thinks any future with you is gone.

 

It's really possible the newest e-mail you got was more to save face than anything else. She may feel very embarrassed for e-mailing you begging to talk, only to be shut down.

 

This is really bad advice. All you have to do is read her responses. Emotionally she is all over the place. One day it seems she wants to leave, the next day she loves him more than anything else in the world.

 

She is having an internal war with herself and AIP is distancing himself from this war. Space is needed well away from her. She needs to determine what she truly wants and AIP needs to figure out if he can trust her again.

 

She may have crossed a line and AIP could well decide that he is done. If someone leaves you once, it means they can leave you again. Trust (and security) is HUGELY damaged in this situation because we don't like having the idea in our heads, that our partner could leave us.

 

By emailing what you suggested above, it just keeps them both in limbo. There is too much guess work involved. Instead AIP has chosen to free himself from a potentially toxic situation. Not only that, his ex now has no choice but to figure out what she really wants. She can't do this if there is a safety net in place.

 

If they are meant to be together they will overcome this. Six months apart working on self improvement and a new willingness to communicate better, then who knows. I know if I were AIP and I eventually decided to forgive, I would be far more convinced if my ex came back in 6 months (or later) and asked for a second chance. What she is doing now reeks of desperation. She needs to come back to the table with ALOT more. Even if she does, she may need to accept that the damage done to the relationship is irreversible.

 

LS Posters who want to know how to handle a breakup should just read this thread..AIP has used amazing foresight here and should be applauded for it.

[Damsel in Distress]

This is really bad advice. All you have to do is read her responses. Emotionally she is all over the place. One day it seems she wants to leave, the next day she loves him more than anything else in the world.

 

I agree. and I have to believe that the posters recommending he take her words at face value and have a sit down attempt at reconciliation maybe didn't read the whole story.

 

 

If someone leaves you once, it means they can leave you again. Trust (and security) is HUGELY damaged in this situation because we don't like having the idea in our heads, that our partner could leave us.

 

Absolutely, and I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Even if our ex's came back, can we ever have a secure relationship with them again? To love somebody you have to hand over your heart - can you trust somebody who callously threw your heart in the trash before?? For that to happen the dumper really has jump through some hoops to demonstrate they can be trusted again. The only thing that's changed about this girl is the words coming out of her mouth, and even those are changing every time she opens it.

 

If they are meant to be together they will overcome this. Six months apart working on self improvement and a new willingness to communicate better, then who knows. I know if I were AIP and I eventually decided to forgive, I would be far more convinced if my ex came back in 6 months (or later) and asked for a second chance. What she is doing now reeks of desperation. She needs to come back to the table with ALOT more. Even if she does, she may need to accept that the damage done to the relationship is irreversible.

 

Exactly!

 

LS Posters who want to know how to handle a breakup should just read this thread..AIP has used amazing foresight here and should be applauded for it.

 

I agree completely! And what's nice is that he doesn't even have to question whether he did the right thing. Within a day he had the evidence that he made the right decision. I know it hasn't been easy but he handled this perfectly.

[Harlequin_Dog]

Oh! I wasn't trying to suggest a reconciliation. But it sounds to me like some form of closure is really badly needed here. I think both parties definitely need time apart, but it also sounds like there is a conversation to be had.

 

Also- for full-disclosure- I have not read all the background on AIP's story! I'll have to correct that though to keep my view in line with past events. ( I could really be missing a lot of info! )

 

But- that said- OP: It sounds like you are also struggling day to day with still being in love with her? Do you want to try again with her or not? I'm a bit confused.

[Harlequin_Dog]

Oh hey!! So- sorry for the double- post but I just read over your other posts here.

 

So let me see if this story is right-

 

-She comes to you, worried about the relationship, thinking you might not be right for each other and that maybe you need to split-up.

 

-She comes back saying she made a mistake BUT wants to move out so you can take things slower.

 

-You go to your brother's house and have not spoken to her since (from what I can gather?)

 

-In the absence of any communication, she decides to move out on her own (Which, really, I would do too if my partner left the house and stopped speaking to me entirely. I would read that very loudly as "GET OUT NOW.")

 

-She leaves, you come back (I think? Or are you still at your brother's?)

 

-Throughout this, she has called, e-mailed and texted you multiple times expressing sorrow and missing you and seeking some form of communication with you...only to be met with silence.

 

 

If that is right- it sounds like you two never actually had any conversations about this to begin with. It reads like you having a very knee-jerk reaction to her confusion. I think this sounds like a lot more is going on than simple GIGS. I'm actually wondering what else influenced her sudden confusion in the relationship. Before this, did she start acting more distant? Were there any 'warning signs'?

 

Also how was communication in the relationship overall? I'm getting an impression that it could have been better? If nothing else, this is a great learning opportunity for you.

[uniqwa]

O_O fallow your heart.

Edited April 4, 2013 by uniqwa

[ThatJustHappened]

Oh hey!! So- sorry for the double- post but I just read over your other posts here.

 

So let me see if this story is right-

 

-She comes to you, worried about the relationship, thinking you might not be right for each other and that maybe you need to split-up.

 

-She comes back saying she made a mistake BUT wants to move out so you can take things slower.

 

-You go to your brother's house and have not spoken to her since (from what I can gather?)

 

-In the absence of any communication, she decides to move out on her own (Which, really, I would do too if my partner left the house and stopped speaking to me entirely. I would read that very loudly as "GET OUT NOW.")

 

-She leaves, you come back (I think? Or are you still at your brother's?)

 

-Throughout this, she has called, e-mailed and texted you multiple times expressing sorrow and missing you and seeking some form of communication with you...only to be met with silence.

 

 

If that is right- it sounds like you two never actually had any conversations about this to begin with. It reads like you having a very knee-jerk reaction to her confusion. I think this sounds like a lot more is going on than simple GIGS. I'm actually wondering what else influenced her sudden confusion in the relationship. Before this, did she start acting more distant? Were there any 'warning signs'?

 

Also how was communication in the relationship overall? I'm getting an impression that it could have been better? If nothing else, this is a great learning opportunity for you.

 

O.o

 

Are you sure you read this whole thread?

[TaraMaiden]

O.o

 

Are you sure you read this whole thread?

 

Yes, of course they did... and 2 + 2 DOES equal 97.

 

 

[destroyed4sho]

My take on her last email is that she thought about the whole situation and realized she didnt want him back after all and the first email was a moment of weakness. She wrote that she didnt want to hurt him again, most probably due togl guilt from her constant mood shifts. The last email was written to wash out the first 2 emails and blame him for not being able to trust her for the reason they would not work out in the future.

 

If she really wanted AIP back she would have taken strides to prove to him that she is trustworthy and does not have GIGS any longer. She wasnt able to do that NOW and in the future and she KNOWS that and thats why she ran away again!

 

She is all over the place but Aip's email tested her and she failed miserably. It put her back in her place and forced her to show her true feelings. Good job AIP...I.hink you saved yourself time and more heartache.

But Im sorry too, bc the first email is something we all want to hear but ofcourse we want it to be real and not a momentary thought.

[TheFriend]

I am proud of you AIP, you have shown more restraint and control then i think 99% of us would have if we received an email like that.

[AloneInParadise]

I got back to my apartment 2 days ago and it has been lonely! I almost prefer to be back at my brothers even though it is in the middle of nowhere. At least there I am with family and not living in the place I shared with someone.

 

I am going to try to enjoy this time and learn to be by myslef again. After all it is only for a month, and then my lease is up and I am back at my bro's.

 

The ex is officially out and she hasn't tried to make contact at all. I must admit that every single night I am dreaming about her and it sucks. It must be my minds way of dealing with the pain and loss. I sure do miss her.

 

Mornings are still the hardest but I am going to get back to looking for work right now and enjoy my morning coffee.

 

Not sure what I'm going to do this weekend. I hope she is running around with god knows who doing god knows what and having a blast. Enjoy it woman!

 

Who cares what she is doing, feeling, or thinking. I can only worry about myself... That's what I'm trying to do, at least.

[Damsel in Distress]

Gosh I'm sure it is much harder being alone, especially in the space that has so many memories. And between jobs!! You will need to be very careful about spending too much time in that place alone. AIP, you have handled this all so well. I know it's hard and painful, but you have the right attitude and you WILL get through this!

 

It may sound silly but would it help to rearrange things in the apartment, move the bed, etc. You probably will be packing things up anyway for the move. And just throw yourself into packing, cleaning, etc. And you have to find some reason to get outside and around other people. The weather is getting nicer finally, so it will be easier to get out and about!

 

I am also having a lot dreams, but they are not positive - they are stress dreams. For example in one dream this week I was in the hospital having his baby! (HOLY COW!) and I was desperately trying not to push and telling the nurses that I CANNOT have this baby. Meanwhile I was calling him repeatedly trying to locate him and get him to come to the hospital. WEIRD!!

[GudDude2013]

Your posts immediately sparks fantasies of what my response would have been. Of course our situations are different, but this is, like someone said, a dumpees dream email, txt mess, phone call. The initiation people wait for months, years, and most times never get at all. So relish your position.

 

In the case of GIGS I would certainly be very wary, and would not give up any ground based on mere words. Your response was commendable although you did break NC.

 

NC is touted as a method to learn to cope and move on after a break up UNLESS you receive a message like yours. This changes the game plan. Now it becomes a matter of do you want this person back or not? If the answer is a resounding 'yes' then all that remains is the terms in which you will except trying the relationship again on.

 

I would take heed to the very good responses you got on this thread. TRUST is going to be a major issue. Can u trust her? Probably not, and if so, what action are going to transpire to convince you otherwise? NEVER SETTLE FOR JUST WORDS.

 

I had a very ugly argument that ended in a BU. Not even a week had passed before she apologized and begged to come back. We have a child, coupled with the sincerity I felt as though she was exhibiting. I requested action (of a sexual nature) to prove this sincerity. She showed and proved, and also handed me a fairly large amount of $ to hold for her. I opened the gates and let her back in.

 

Everything was fine, or so i thought. I had conceded to early and easily as I obviously didn't set the bar high enough, because a month later, almost to the day another even more uglier argument ensued, with what looks to be our final BU.

 

Have been in NC since. If I were to receive a message like this from my ex I will admit my heart would sing, but how I'd handle it???

 

Picture going down an icey slope with bald tires and no 4x4. On the side of the road you see CAUTION....DANGER...THE SHARP CURVE SIGN AHEAD. There is an embankment coming up with a cliff. All you have are your navigation skills and the difference between smooth sailing & crashing and burning rests on finding the perfect combination of brakes and steering and the realization of wanting to know where your going and how bad do you want to get there!

[Damsel in Distress]

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to see some concrete examples of how it plays out when the ex comes begging back. I love your analogy of driving down an icy slope on bald tires. Sorry it played out that way for you, but hopefully we can all learn about the immense level of caution needed when going back.

 

Clearly AIP played this excellently.

 

(And I just have to pipe in about you requesting proof she was ready to come back and try again... something of a sexual nature!? Maybe I'm misunderstanding it, but the way I'm reading it, it bothers me! I wouldn't imagine a dumper who is begging to be come back ad be forgiven would be feeling terribly sexy or sexual - more embarrassed and ashamed. Make up sex, yes and it's always great, but being asked for something sexual she wasn't offering as proof? huh?!)

 

 

Your posts immediately sparks fantasies of what my response would have been. Of course our situations are different, but this is, like someone said, a dumpees dream email, txt mess, phone call. The initiation people wait for months, years, and most times never get at all. So relish your position.

 

In the case of GIGS I would certainly be very wary, and would not give up any ground based on mere words. Your response was commendable although you did break NC.

 

NC is touted as a method to learn to cope and move on after a break up UNLESS you receive a message like yours. This changes the game plan. Now it becomes a matter of do you want this person back or not? If the answer is a resounding 'yes' then all that remains is the terms in which you will except trying the relationship again on.

 

I would take heed to the very good responses you got on this thread. TRUST is going to be a major issue. Can u trust her? Probably not, and if so, what action are going to transpire to convince you otherwise? NEVER SETTLE FOR JUST WORDS.

 

I had a very ugly argument that ended in a BU. Not even a week had passed before she apologized and begged to come back. We have a child, coupled with the sincerity I felt as though she was exhibiting. I requested action (of a sexual nature) to prove this sincerity. She showed and proved, and also handed me a fairly large amount of $ to hold for her. I opened the gates and let her back in.

 

Everything was fine, or so i thought. I had conceded to early and easily as I obviously didn't set the bar high enough, because a month later, almost to the day another even more uglier argument ensued, with what looks to be our final BU.

 

Have been in NC since. If I were to receive a message like this from my ex I will admit my heart would sing, but how I'd handle it???

 

Picture going down an icey slope with bald tires and no 4x4. On the side of the road you see CAUTION....DANGER...THE SHARP CURVE SIGN AHEAD. There is an embankment coming up with a cliff. All you have are your navigation skills and the difference between smooth sailing & crashing and burning rests on finding the perfect combination of brakes and steering and the realization of wanting to know where your going and how bad do you want to get there!

[GudDude2013]

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to see some concrete examples of how it plays out when the ex comes begging back. I love your analogy of driving down an icy slope on bald tires. Sorry it played out that way for you, but hopefully we can all learn about the immense level of caution needed when going back.

 

Clearly AIP played this excellently.

 

(And I just have to pipe in about you requesting proof she was ready to come back and try again... something of a sexual nature!? Maybe I'm misunderstanding it, but the way I'm reading it, it bothers me! I wouldn't imagine a dumper who is begging to be come back ad be forgiven would be feeling terribly sexy or sexual - more embarrassed and ashamed. Make up sex, yes and it's always great, but being asked for something sexual she wasn't offering as proof? huh?!)

 

Well, since you asked, and if it bothers you, I will explain as best as i can. Not that it was some type of requirement, because it wasn't, and on the contrary nothing out of the ordinary as far as our sex lives were concerned. Of course make up sex was inevitable, but to be frank on the matter, the sex was not asked for as proof that she wanted to be with me, or some type of redeeming transaction. It was more or less me being upset about the initial argument, and my aphrehesion about letting her come back again. Not a prerequsite to reconcilation, but of having ended our initial contact after the argument with, "Suck my dick!" Not to be taken literally, but subjectively, if you understand the difference.

Edited April 5, 2013 by GudDude2013

[Damsel in Distress]

Okay! Phew! I definitely misinterpreted the your post. I figured those were the words, but I imagined it as you pulling a sexual power play when she was already begging: "You want me back? Get on your knees and show me how bad you want it and I'll think about it" You can imagine why I was bothered!

 

 

Well, since you asked, and if it bothers you, I will explain as best as i can. Not that it was some type of requirement, because it wasn't, and on the contrary nothing out of the ordinary as far as our sex lives were concerned. Of course make up sex was inevitable, but to be frank on the matter, the sex was not asked for as proof that she wanted to be with me, or some type of redeeming transaction. It was more or less me being upset about the initial argument, and ending our initial contact after the argument with, "Suck my dick!" Not to be taken literally, but subjectively, if you understand the difference.

[AloneInParadise]

So I'm sitting at the bar the other day watching the NCAA Championship talking to a friend. I look to my right and she is sitting on the bar stool next to me with tears in her eyes. She found me! I guess this NC is really bothering her.

 

I spoke with her for maybe 5 minutes just to establish again that I need time and she needs to give it to me - of course she isn't. I asked her to leave and she did.

 

THEN! The next day I hear a key in the door (yes she didn't leave her key) and she has flowers, wine and just breaks down. I'm actually upset about that and told her that she is pushing me away by not giving me space I need. After all she is the one who broke up with me.

 

I really don't know how to communicate with this girl anymore. I told her to leave her key, which she did, and to give me space. I told her that it is time to focus on me and maybe down the road we can take it slow and go on a date. But honestly I feel different towards her since she walked out, and I really don't see us being together again. I do love her but I am still hurt and guarded, and I don't trust her..simple as that.

 

Other than that I'm still on the job hunt, and I did another phone interview yesterday. Only about 20 more days in my place and then it's back up to my brothers, which is 1 hour away. Once I'm up there she won't be able to drop in on me.

 

Well, this was a simple update. Not sure what I'm looking for out of this post, but I wanted to get this off my chest.. just so confused!

[Mack05]

dude you are my hero...I have never met you, but I guarantee you that you are going places.

 

Right now it's all about your ex's agenda. If you truly loved you she would respect your need for space. Not going add anymore cause u are right on top of this..

[Infnitysign]

Dont be her emotional tampon let her suffer until she has the guts to to respect you and let go of her pride. You have to learn how to train your girlfriend and lead her and not have to give her everything she thinks she needs "like you"

[Damsel in Distress]

AIP, you are one strong man! I am so glad you have taken the time to update us. It helps me so much to see how seriously you are taking this - staying in complete control of the situation, holding onto your dignity and self-respect, and standing firm for your needs (despite why your heart and emotions are probably wanting).

 

This is the way it's done, and I'm so glad I've had the chance to follow your story and learn. Good luck with the job search, and in a few more weeks you'll be back at your brothers and I think that will help a lote.

 

Applause.

[AloneInParadise]

Thanks everyone. But am I being to much of a "hard guy" here? She is begging and crying saying she knows she made the biggest mistake of her life. If I really love this girl, why can't I accept that and take her back?

 

She is trying to get me to tell her that we will work on getting back to where we were, but is that even possible? Why shouldn't it be if I love her? She is a great girl, and letting her go will put me back into the game of going to the bar, drinking too much, and chasing women; which we all know gets old. I'm 32 do not want that anymore!

 

But I'm hurt, guarded, and if she was acting stronger right now I would be more interested in a possible reconcile. But she is acting week, bugging me, stalking me, and it is pushing me away.

 

Hell she pushed me away because she thought "it was what she wanted", and now she's pushing me away trying to get me back. If she really wants me back she will give me more time but she can't do that and it's going to blow up in her face.

 

This site helps so much to get this off my chest and, once again, thanks everyone for the support and advice. Wish we could all get together over a pitcher of beer and discuss this