Got this new email today - Don't know if I can resist her and want to take her back!

[Minneloa]

To me, it sounds like you are being perfectly reasonable. You have told her repeatedly that you need time and space, and she is refusing to give these things to you. In fact, she is doing the opposite (stalking, begging, etc.). This is a big red flag in terms of boundaries and respect, in my book.

 

Carry on, good sir.

[2sunny]

She moved for a reason. Has he figured herself out enough to find out why she needed that time on her own? Probably not!

 

She said she wouldn't contact you - and she has - so now you also know she doesn't keep her word by her cations matching her word. That's NEVAeR a good sign! It proves she's a liar.

 

She needs to be on her own - without thinking you're her safety net! If she loved you that much - she wouldn't have needed time away.

 

She needs counseling to grow up - is she doing that? If not, suggest it!

[Mack05]

To me, it sounds like you are being perfectly reasonable. You have told her repeatedly that you need time and space, and she is refusing to give these things to you. In fact, she is doing the opposite (stalking, begging, etc.). This is a big red flag in terms of boundaries and respect, in my book.

 

Carry on, good sir.

 

This is a great post. This is not about you being a 'hard' guy or punishing her. This is about you both having space so that if you do get back together, that you understand what went wrong last time and put things in place to right the previous wrongs. You need time and space to figure those things out.

 

Flowers, crying, begging is not going to fix anything. I know you don't want to go back to the club scene but if you go back the high likely hood is that she will leave again at some stage if you reconcile now. Yes being single at 32 sucks but who will single at 34? 35? 36? 37 be?.

 

She is emotionally all over the place. Because of this, any promises she makes are empty one's. They can't be trusted, she can't be trusted. Time and space will allow all those emotions to settle. If you both love each other, you will find a way back to each other.

 

If this girl let you alone for 3-6 months and waited for you to make contact, I would say go for it! The fact she can't respect your boundaries tells me her love is a selfish kind of love...

 

I would proceed with real caution here if I were you..

Edited April 11, 2013 by Mack05

[youngnlove89]

Sir, I'm sorry but I'm not getting it? Maybe it was you who didn't want to be in the relationship because if I had my ex do that to me, I'd give him that chance. Because why the hell not? We only live once. I love him and in the end, I want it to work.

 

That's the whole thing about relationships, is finding out if they are the one. She made a mistake, she wants to fix it. Give her a chance, if she messes up again, then that will be the last time. But let her know that!

 

You pushing her away every time she makes an attempt to get you back is actually making her second guess her decision, why fight for someone who isn't fighting for me? If I were her, I'd just be like whatever, I'm not playing this game anymore. Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder, it may in turn make her realize that the fight just isn't worth it anymore.

 

Seems like in the end, you two won't be getting back together because of your egotistical ways. Seems like a game to me.

 

Do you love her?

Do you miss her?

Do you see yourself growing old with her?

 

If you said yes to all three, go get her.

 

(Sorry, I'm not trying to be mean, just looking at it from the other side.)

 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Mack05]

Two different perspectives there. One from a fine young lady who says lead with the heart. Another from a elder stately gentleman who says lead with the head.

 

Got to love life :-)

[Cogee]

Sir, I'm sorry but I'm not getting it? Maybe it was you who didn't want to be in the relationship because if I had my ex do that to me, I'd give him that chance. Because why the hell not? We only live once. I love him and in the end, I want it to work.

 

That's the whole thing about relationships, is finding out if they are the one. She made a mistake, she wants to fix it. Give her a chance, if she messes up again, then that will be the last time. But let her know that!

 

You pushing her away every time she makes an attempt to get you back is actually making her second guess her decision, why fight for someone who isn't fighting for me? If I were her, I'd just be like whatever, I'm not playing this game anymore. Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder, it may in turn make her realize that the fight just isn't worth it anymore.

 

Seems like in the end, you two won't be getting back together because of your egotistical ways. Seems like a game to me.

 

Do you love her?

Do you miss her?

Do you see yourself growing old with her?

 

If you said yes to all three, go get her.

 

(Sorry, I'm not trying to be mean, just looking at it from the other side.)

 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

You have to follow the entire story to get a full picture as to what is going on here. You say that you are looking at it from the other side but you are not. He told her that he wanted space and time to think, because he was deeply hurt. She said she would give it and then immediately, and repeatedly, has NOT given the space he wants. She has gone as far as to SIT BESIDE him at a bar.

 

For all he knows she is doing this because she is being selfish and not doing any of this because of him, but because of her own feelings. Why would he want to be with someone like that? It is a very fragile situation and he is handling things perfectly. Do you notice that he is even losing respect for her because of how she is acting.

[AloneInParadise]

F

or all he knows she is doing this because she is being selfish and not doing any of this because of him, but because of her own feelings. Why would he want to be with someone like that?

 

Exactly! If i thought she was sincere I would give her another chance. Then I go reread all her emails and know I am doing the right thing.

[thefooloftheyear]

I dont want to read the whole thread...Just curious. How long was the breakup before she started seriously wanting back in? Were yiu NC the whole time?

 

TFOY

[Appleness]

Gosh, reading this thread has my hopes up that there are normal, rational men in my age range out there! I hope you find work soon AIP! Stay strong, everything will work out as long as keep things in perspective. I too am rooting for you

[Mayfare]

I also don't follow the logic here. If you wanted to ever have her back, why are you playing games with her? You talk about not being able to trust her, but right now it seems like you are the untrustworthy one lately by playing games for some kind of revenge. You're not communicating with her on any sufficient level (and no, "I need space, you can wait for an undefined amount of time" is not a sufficient conversation).

 

Being dumped sucks, I get it. You lose all trust and respect that you had for that person, and you spend what seems like infinite hours forcing yourself to resent them. You want them to suffer like you had to, but to what end? She's apologized, laid her heart on the line, and tried just about any desperate attempt she could think of to show you she's for real. She's desperate because you aren't being real with her and telling her exactly how you feel. This is how my ex treated me, and guess what? His number is permanently deleted from my phone. When you play games with someone long enough, they get tired of it and move on.

 

Please don't take twist my words here. You are completely entitled to whatever space/time/distance you may need. That said, you aren't being honest with her. You are stringing her along to make her suffer the way she did to you. If you have any honest hope of reconciling, you need to accept that she broke your heart and have a mature, level-headed conversation with her. No NC or LC garbage or any games, just honesty. I think when you tell her you do honestly care about her (because that's what's driving her crazy, is the idea that you don't), but are skeptical of her words, her desperation will greatly subside and you can actually work on things at your own pace. Until then, have fun with the games and drama.

[Mayfare]

Wow, that is quite the ad hominem, I must say. Interesting how quick you are to assume that because I disagree with you, I must be incapable of providing an objective perspective.

 

And FYI, my ex did want to get back together, I did not. I did not "buy the crap" he dished out, I knew it was crap. I chose to be friends because I knew he was depressed, confused, and struggling for reasons, and trusted he would have a change of heart when he realized he was dealing with factors outside of our relationship. Eventually, he did have this change of heart and asked to get back together. I wasn't burned by him, I ultimately chose to not let him back in my life. His issues were too much for me to handle and I hate that things ended how they ended, but it is what it is. That situation has no relevance to this conversation. You only know about my situation based on what I choose to report here (which is obviously likely going to be when I'm at an extremely low or high point, thus inevitably omitting a good portion of the real situation), so it's completely unfair and inaccurate to say based on a few posts that I'm deemed incapable of an opinion. If anything, this speaks volumes about your own projections.

 

Any withholding of honesty is playing games, which is what the OP is doing. I didn't "rip" him, I'm pointing out another perspective, which is important. Like I said before, which you conveniently didn't quote, I don't want my words twisted, which is precisely what you just did. He can have his space and cope on his own, as he should, but he isn't losing any space or progress with coping by giving her a little bit of honesty and closure. If he actually cares about her and isn't just trying to string her along or get some kind of revenge, he shouldn't mind providing such. It's not about "jumping how high" or anything more than treating someone you care about how you would like to be treated, while taking care of yourself.

[Cogee]

With all due respect Mayfare, he requested space. She did not even wait ONE DAY to respect and give him the space he requested. Since that time she has REPEATEDLY inserted herself and her feelings into his life while he specifically requested she does not.

 

Every single time she does this it brings up a whole whack of emotions in both parties and does not allow either of them to think with a level head. He simply wants space, and she is not giving it. He is not playing games with her, he is simply recognizing that he cannot think clearly if he has not had sufficient time apart to think about things without her.

 

And quite frankly, he wants her to do the same thing because he wants to be sure she is not doing this out of pure desperation (which it sure damn well seems like it). He wants to know she truly cares, and if not contacting for a while completely changes her mind so as to not want anything to do with him then he has actually confirmed what he suspected all along.

[Mayfare]

Sorry for the double post, just wanted to clarify...

 

I guess I'm sympathetic towards her because she's now the one being rejected/the dumpee. Everyone here seems to be understanding of dumpees when they do crazy/desperate things when they think they're losing someone they love. It's understandable. You get emotional and don't think clearly and do things you normally wouldn't, but hopefully go NC and limit this as much as possible. Isn't this what the OP's ex is doing by acting clingy? She's desperate because she's convinced she's losing someone she loves. No one is completely emotionally stable after a breakup unless they weren't all that emotionally invested in the relationship.

 

I just think the best way to approach the situation would be an honest conversation rather than more ignoring, which is likely just going to drive her more insane/desperate.

[Mayfare]

@Cogee- I agree that she needs to give him space, that was never my disagreement here. I can imagine the emotions the OP is dealing with, which I did deal with when my ex asked if I would consider our relationship again, and I understand proceeding with great caution. Again, not things that I'm disagreeing with.

 

I just think the best way to get space is to flat out tell her what your feelings are and why you want the space. It's one conversation that would make giving him space that much easier for him. It seems like she just doesn't understand why he wants/needs it and is freaking out because of that lack of understanding. That's all I'm saying.

[Mayfare]

So I'll address your personal attack first, I guess. I didn't bail on my ex when he needed me. I waited for him as a friend for months while being on an emotional roller coaster and dealing with his mixed signals and family getting involved. I spoke with his parents about his depression as well as him. I made sure his friends were aware of what he was going through so they could keep an eye out. That's not bailing, that's doing about all you can do as an ex. When he finally came back, I had been put through so much from him that he just didn't have the same value to me anymore/he wasn't someone I was madly in love with. I wasn't blinded by love anymore and was able to make the decision to not return to the relationship. I tried being friends and supportive, it confused him (and even me) and he was a jerk, I ended the friendship. His issues are not the same as the OP's ex's, the breakup was not the same, and I am not the same as the OP, so the two are not synonymous/I never contradicted myself.

 

Now, as much as I love a personal attack from a complete stranger, I don't want to thread hijack here and would rather focus attention back on the OP's situation. Questions for the OP:

 

Do you think you actually would want to eventually reconcile?

Have you had a sit down conversation with her and explained why you need space?

In an ideal world, how would this turn out?

 

I think these are important questions that could determine the best route to take from here.

[Mack05]

This is a great post. This is not about you being a 'hard' guy or punishing her. This is about you both having space so that if you do get back together, that you understand what went wrong last time and put things in place to right the previous wrongs. You need time and space to figure those things out.

 

Flowers, crying, begging is not going to fix anything. I know you don't want to go back to the club scene but if you go back the high likely hood is that she will leave again at some stage if you reconcile now. Yes being single at 32 sucks but who will single at 34? 35? 36? 37 be?.

 

She is emotionally all over the place. Because of this, any promises she makes are empty one's. They can't be trusted, she can't be trusted.Time and space will allow all those emotions to settle. If you both love each other, you will find a way back to each other.

 

If this girl let you alone for 3-6 months and waited for you to make contact, I would say go for it! The fact she can't respect your boundaries tells me her love is a selfish kind of love...

 

I would proceed with real caution here if I were you..

 

Mayfare read my post, especially the parts highlighted in bold. This has nothing do to with making her suffer, playing games or being dishonest.

 

The problem here is that unlike the OP, you simply can't read what's happening between the lines. You simply can't recognise what is happening underneath the surface..If you could, you would understand why it's so important for the OP to stick with his current path..

 

If he follows his heart and takes her back now she will in HIGH probability leave again. Just a matter of when..She still doesn't know what she wants and therefore going back is romantic suicide.

Edited April 12, 2013 by Mack05

[William]

Let's direct our comments to the thread starter and their topic. Thanks.

[Mayfare]

Oh I absolutely do not think he should take her back right now, not at all. I think he SHOULD take space, proceed with caution, etc. I absolutely agree that's she's emotionally all over the place and anything she says needs to be analyzed with skepticism. I'm not sure how my words got so twisted here lol I'm not even advocating anything bizarre or that hasn't already been said here. I see what you're saying, what the OP is saying, and why he needs space. I agree. BUT, it seems like some of you on here aren't willing to look at it from her perspective to properly understand WHY she's behaving the way she is and HOW to get her to stop. He can continue on the path he's on, but he isn't going to go far unless he gives her a bit of closure. Driving her insane by ignoring her and trying to convince her she isn't cared about isn't going to stop her dramatic actions. C'mon people, we know this!

 

You have two/three young women on here, about the same age as the OP's ex, saying communication may be needed. It seems painfully clear here that perhaps men (and even older women) have a completely different perspective on this situation than young women may have. So in an effort to shed some light on why the ex is acting this way, we're posting our opinions.

 

She is young, confused, lonely, scared, and desperate right now. She's reaching out to him any way she knows how because she thinks it's the right thing to do. It very well may be selfish, but it's probably not her intention to be. She thinks she has to fight for him, so that's what's she's doing. If he spoke to her calmly and explained his reasoning for space, it would probably calm her down and give her better control over her emotions and actions right now. I say this being a woman of about the same age that has been on both ends of a similar situation. She will have better control of her emotions and actions if she understands the situation she's in.

 

I'm not blaming the OP, advocating that he jump back into her arms, or condoning any of her behavior. I'm simply stating that it would be easier for her to understand what he wants and to give him what he wants if he had an honest and substantial conversation with her.

Edited April 12, 2013 by Mayfare

[AloneInParadise]

Well everyone I have a bit of an update. Some good and some bad.

 

The Good: I found a nice paying job and I can now start looking for a new place once I settle into this role a bit.

 

The Bad: After all the begging and pleading she gave me I decided to try to give her another shot. She had to be sincere right? WRONG! Second chances never work for a reason and this was no exception.

 

She had the audacity to say things were different, that I was different, and that things would never be the same. She said she had so much guilt for what she did that it would never be the same. Either way we called it quits about 5 days ago and we are done for good.

 

She is just too young, confused and needs to do some sole searching. SHe lost a good man though and I will never be there for her again. Ever!

 

Phone is blocked, email is blocked and I am dead to her should she ever decide she wants to contact me again. At least I can say I gave her the chance she wanted but then I got burned again. lol time to move on with my head held as high as I possibly can.

 

Sucks losing my best friend though. that is the hard part.

[Noma]

Is it easier this time? I'm sure you still miss her, but in some way now you know you truly gave it your all...

[BigTuna]

Well that's a lesson for us all.

 

I've just read this whole thread in half an hour & im glad you landed on your feet regarding a job, AloneInParadise.

 

And if its any consolation, I lost my best friend/lover too about 6 months ago. It's a horrible thing to go through, but by the sounds of it, youre a good guy, youre gonna make some girl somewhere out there very happy.

[smorgenHeckengard]

Hey you gave it a shot, and now there will never be a "what if...?" left in your life with her. You can close the door and move on.

 

You're a very strong man. I really hope I can be like you.

[1908]

Well everyone I have a bit of an update. Some good and some bad.

 

The Good: I found a nice paying job and I can now start looking for a new place once I settle into this role a bit.

 

The Bad: After all the begging and pleading she gave me I decided to try to give her another shot. She had to be sincere right? WRONG! Second chances never work for a reason and this was no exception.

 

She had the audacity to say things were different, that I was different, and that things would never be the same. She said she had so much guilt for what she did that it would never be the same. Either way we called it quits about 5 days ago and we are done for good.

 

She is just too young, confused and needs to do some sole searching. SHe lost a good man though and I will never be there for her again. Ever!

 

Phone is blocked, email is blocked and I am dead to her should she ever decide she wants to contact me again. At least I can say I gave her the chance she wanted but then I got burned again. lol time to move on with my head held as high as I possibly can.

 

Sucks losing my best friend though. that is the hard part.

 

Aye, this is one of the worst parts about break-ups. It's something I've definitely struggled with the last few months. Though I guess we all do unless they were complete jerks.

 

 

Anyways you gave it a shot and you handled the situation about as wonderfully as one can ever handle these kinds of sticky situations. Major kudos for that. All you can do now is push forward with life and be on the lookout for the next one.

 

Oh and congratulations on the job man

[crazy1234]

U'd be a fool to take her back.She left you for a reason.Sooner or later,she'll come up with something new.

[AloneInParadise]

After her crying and begging and telling me that she was a fool to push me away I took her back. All for a whopping 2 months or so until she said that "there is just to much pain and we're not the same". She moved to Nashville today and I am a broken, broken man.

 

I should of let her go when I started this thread but with all her crying, begging, pleading, I took her back and followed my heart when I should of followed my head.

 

I'm devastated right now. I'm alone, scared, and miss my best friend. I will get past this but not soon enough.