babybear Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 For anyone who's ever been in my shoes..... My bf cheated on me a year ago. We have gotten back together since, and are working hard to make it better. It is a LOT better, but I still get angry a lot...and seemingly out of nowhere. Little reminders of where it happened absolutely set me off, or seeing cheating in a movie or on TV or whatever brings back bad memories too. Now, I think part of the reason that I'm upset is because I don't really know WHAT happened. I know he was unfaithful and I left it at that. How much into detail should I go? He was on a trip out of the country and I know it was with more than one person. Would you want to know how many people, etc? We've both been tested and are ok, so this would only be for my own personal satisfaction. Would I do more harm than good? Babybear Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 I would HAVE to know! There is no way I could go on with our relationship without knowing. I feel that it would show to what extent he disrespected "us" and exactly what he did. If this had happened to me I wouldn't be able to sleep with endless horrible thoughts of what "may have" happened. However you and you alone can decide what you need to know. What feels right to you? Do you feel you'll be okay never knowing? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 Would I do more harm than good? Yes. Link to post Share on other sites
dnm1010 Posted September 14, 2004 Share Posted September 14, 2004 i think you can never fully accept his cheating and move on (if that what you want to do) until you know everything. my boyfriend never cheated but he had some fun before we got together and that bothered me a lot... i asked questions... a ton of them and even thought in the short run i got angry but in the long run i felt like it wasnt some secret.. it was all out in the open and we could move on. Link to post Share on other sites
bulldoggirl Posted September 14, 2004 Share Posted September 14, 2004 I'm so sorry you are going through this babybear! I've been there....twice. Here's what I think....if your boyfriend is willing to talk about what happened with you, then you should try to find out as much as possible....however, that doesn't mean getting all the gory details, and don't hound your BF about every little thing. I think it's better to have at least some idea of what happened as opposed to being completely in the dark, because 9 times out of 10, the scenes you imagine in your head are worse than what actually happened. Best of luck to you, and remember to stay true to yourself during all this & take care of YOU! Link to post Share on other sites
kellydontwanttasleep Posted September 14, 2004 Share Posted September 14, 2004 get him to talk to you about everything and then let it go Link to post Share on other sites
dnm1010 Posted September 14, 2004 Share Posted September 14, 2004 dont get dramatic.. just talk about ti casually .. dont scream and flip out on him.. make him not be afraid of telling you the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
bulldoggirl Posted September 14, 2004 Share Posted September 14, 2004 Yep, that's what I meant when I said don't "hound" him....he won't want to tell you anything if you act psycotic about it! Link to post Share on other sites
dnm1010 Posted September 14, 2004 Share Posted September 14, 2004 sometimes its good not to respond immediately... once he tells you whatever he tells you just relax and breath. gather your thoughts... i know sometimes i wanna kill him for sayign something but i relax and gather my thoughts and then i can say something more... productive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted September 15, 2004 Author Share Posted September 15, 2004 Okay...so my bf and I just had the talk! I told him I needed to know some things...and he said that he didn't want to tell me. And when I asked why, he said he was scared! So, I told him I needed to move on and we needed to finally get into it after a year... and I asked him how many. So, he told me...and I thought I'd be pissed off as hell. But it was like this huge burden lifted off my shoulders...I was so calm...and he started to open up about it. So, now I know. I'm okay. But I didn't ask every detail like names and times and where and stuff like that. But, one more question for you guys. Well, okay...he slept with 3 ppl. Ick. But, I was so angry for so long, that for a couple months after we got back together, I was sleeping with my ex-bf! I know I know....I seem like a hypocrite...but I was so sad I didn't know how else to vent it out. Should I tell him this?!?!? Babybear Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted September 15, 2004 Share Posted September 15, 2004 You demanded that he tell you the truth and he did. Now you are asking if you should tell him the truth? Of course you should or you are the world's biggest hypocrite. You felt it was absolutely essential to know the truth about his affairs and you got it. It shows he wants to be open and honest with you; yet you are being totally dishonest with him by not telling him the truth about your affair. How can you not see that this is totally unfair to him and to your relationship. The bottom line is that you feel your boyfriend must be open and truthful to you but you have the right to be dishonest and lying to him. How can you be so blind? Link to post Share on other sites
kellydontwanttasleep Posted September 15, 2004 Share Posted September 15, 2004 i say you should always be completly honest. just remember he may dump you. but you can't build a relationship on lies. good luck sister Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted September 15, 2004 Author Share Posted September 15, 2004 I think I'm a little misunderstood...let me clarify. We got back together meaning that I would date him again and try to rebuild what we had. I clearly told him I was goign to date other ppl. too. I was just scared of getting too involved again. I had to trust that he wouldn't screw me over again. So...he crossed his fingers that I wouldn't, and asked me not to tell if I did. So...I did my thing on the side...slowly got over things, and then committed to him wholeheartedly and 100%. I guess I feel guilty because he didn't suspect it, and while he was on his best behavior ever, I certainly was not. So, since he and I have been getting some really difficult things out into the open lately, I have been contemplating coming out with this too. But does it even matter? Bb Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 Once again, if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want him to tell you? Link to post Share on other sites
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