Have I been "lying"?

[memomma]

I think a "lie" is when someone asks you a question and you give an answer that is not true. Another example of a "lie" is to make up things that are not reality and tell them to other people and lead them into thinking this is truth.

I do not think a "lie" is not telling someone all of the details about something if they have not asked. I think it is often a better choice to withold information....if not questioned about it.......from someone when you know that person is not going to be in agreement and will be angry with you.

What do you think?

My husband recently lied to me.....specifically lied about having insurance coverage for my son (his stepson). When I questioned him about this, he told me "I wonder where I got that from". I told him I didn't know, where did it come from? He told me to "look in the mirror". I tried to get him to be specific about a situation where I had lied......I really don't think I ever have lied to him.......I wanted to but I never have. He refused to tell me when.

I can only imagine that he is referring to situations when I have not told him of things...usually dealing with my kids.

So I'm just trying to clarify in my mind if I'm in denial about things. I really don't think I've lied but I know I haven't always told him about everything.

Is he right?

Wondered what other folks thought about this situation. I know sometimes we can be guilty of lying to ourselves if it helps to justify our actions. I want to be truthful to myself as well as to him. Sometimes I just can't tell him things......BUT if he asks me.........I will!

[Papillon]

Sometimes white lies are important lubricants. Other things, like lying about insurance cover, are pretty damn serious. And trying to throw it back into the other person's face is a transparent tactic.

[memomma]

You know......I'm not sure if that is a recent picture of you or not Dude.

You look pretty young to me in the picture.....I'm 44.......anyway, I said all of that to say this.........

I think you are pretty darn smart for someone your age. The last few times you have answered a post of mine, I think you portrayed someone with LOTS of wisdom. Just wanted to say thanks and to give you some encouragement on this time.

You're pretty cool.

[Papillon]

Thank you, memomma.

 

The picture is four years old, and I'm 27 now. I still look pretty much just like that, though. Only thing is my stubble has become a bit darker

 

[jmargel]

Not telling someone something that is important is called 'Truth untold' and is just as bad as a lie.

[tokyo]

I´m still waiting for someone to make compliments on my wise comments....

 

Sometimes you lie in order not to be rude. For example, I would like to stop talking on the phone with someone, because I´m getting tired of so much talking, I sometimes tell I´m busy, even though I just don´t want to continue talking with the other person. I don´t want to be rude, but what are you supposed to say? Sorry, but I don´t want to talk with you anymore? That´s rude and unnecessarily hurtful.

Also when I get cornered and I think it´s nobody´s business, I might lie, but it´s more likely that I will tell him to piss off

[Moose]

I agree with jmargel. If you withhold information that you know in your heart would change the thinking or the decision the other party is going to make it is an out right lie.

 

Besides, you two are married for cripes sake. You guys sound like my Mom and Step-Dad!! My Mom works and earns her own money, so sometimes she'll go out shopping for the grandkids. Then she'll come out, by herself, and give the gifts to her grandkids then pull me and my wife aside and say, "Don't tell Kenny I spent this money ok???"

 

Well, number one, I'm not going to lie for anyone anymore, number 2, what's the big hairy deal? It's your money, spend it the way you want. Kenny has his own grandkids that he spends money on and he doesn't hide it from my Mom.

 

If you knew from the git go that your son didn't have insurance, you two could've gotten together and figured out a way to rectify that situation. Hiding information and telling half truths is just avoiding the inevitable. Supressing facts simply because someone didn't specifically ask for them is a touchy thing. But everyone would sleep a heck of a lot better if everyone would just come out with it.

 

I guess it's a matter of preference. If you want peace of mind, tell the outright truth. If you don't care to live in fear that you'll get figured out...then go ahead.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by memomma

I do not think a "lie" is not telling someone all of the details about something if they have not asked.

It's a lie of omission, instead of a lie of commission.

 

There's a reason we make people swear to tell not just the truth, but the whole truth.

[cateinaus]

This guy is trying to get the spotlight off of himself and turn the focus to you. I'ts working! Here you are questioning yourself and doubting yourself. Give him a size 7 in the backside and show him the door.

Hugs.

[memomma]

Thanks to all for your opinions.

When reading them, I had to remind myself that they were just that......opinions based on an intrepretation of what is going on in our home.

I understand "sins of ommision" and "truth untold".....however I am not sure that applies to our relationship. He may think so but I think that is only because it helps him to justify his behavior.

You may question why a wife would choose not to share everything she does with her husband. Maybe it's because of his reaction and the tension that develops when he is not in agreement with her actions. Maybe it's because she is trying to keep some peace in a household that at times is filled with such tension it is tangible. Maybe it's because she feels responsible for her three children and doesn't want them to assume responsibility for the problems that exist between their mother and stepfather when it is not their fault but his treatment of them would lead them to believe it is their fault.....after all.....he doesn't talk to them so it's obvious to them in their minds that it must be their fault. Maybe it's because this marraige has been so bad for so long and the wife is just tired of trying to communicate with someone who refuses to do so for whatever reason and then says "nothings wrong".

The last post hit it on the head in my opinion. I have begun to question my behavior instead of dealing with his. Man.......

See, I guess when someone has told you long enough that you're not good enough unless you open your eyes and see the truth in what they are saying...you are in danger of believing a lie.

Here's the truth. This guy (my children's stepfather) changed jobs and hence insurance coverage. He gave me two cards...one for me and one for my daughter...when I asked for my son's card, he said "isn't he 19? Didn't he have coverage where he worked?" My son is 19 and he did have coverage several months ago but he quit that job and is no longer working for that company. My husband told me my son was not listed on his plan. I asked my husband to please add him to the plan as my son would be going to school fulltime and would still be eligble for coverage. Weeks went by. I called the new company to check on something for myself and was asked to verify the participants of the plan. I told them myself, my daughter and my husband. They said "what about.......(my son).". My son had been listed on the plan since May, my husband had kept the information from me and did not provide me with the insurance card even when I asked directly if he had a card for Andrew. That's wrong.

I'm not perfect but I don't lie to him. I have always told him the truth whenever he has asked me a question. Always.

So.......thanks for the opinions......I do appreciate them and just needed to see the situation in black and white so that the reality could hit me instead of the emotions that were doing so.

[Moose]

Ok, they are just opinions.....but let's dissect this:

 

Maybe it's because of his reaction and the tension that develops when he is not in agreement with her actions.

 

A marriage with open communication dictates your actions. You must first communicate and come to an agreement, BEFORE, your actions. If you had this, there would be no negative reactions, thus no tension.

 

Maybe it's because she is trying to keep some peace in a household that at times is filled with such tension it is tangible.

 

See above! Your job is not to keep peace. There are going to be disagreements. That's a part of life. Your job is to be totally open with your husband and come to terms with each other.

 

Maybe it's because she feels responsible for her three children and doesn't want them to assume responsibility for the problems that exist between their mother and stepfather when it is not their fault but his treatment of them would lead them to believe it is their fault

 

Yes, your children is your responsibility, but, excuse me if I'm wrong, they are also HIS responsibility!! When he married you, he married you children as well. Don't assume the responsibility on your own. Your kids aren't stupid! They know your husband is being immature. If he's treating your children in such a way that they are feeling be littled, or they are the blame for the tension in the house, that's when you put your foot down and take up for your kids. If you have to tell the kids to go their friends house for couple of hours, then scream at him at the top of your lungs......then so be it!!!!

 

.....after all.....he doesn't talk to them so it's obvious to them in their minds that it must be their fault.

 

No they don't!!!! I've had three step fathers......give your kids some credit for goodness sake. They probably think he's a jerk more than they think he's blaming them for HIS problems!! Did they come right out and tell you that they think it's their fault?? If so, then some of them must be very young and impressionable.

 

Maybe it's because this marraige has been so bad for so long and the wife is just tired of trying to communicate with someone who refuses to do so for whatever reason and then says "nothings wrong".

 

Sounds like a cycle that needs to be broken. Either through counceling, ultimatums, or a healing seperation. Since you feel like you're the only one giving 100%, you need to find out, from your husband, if he's willing to work on this marriage or not. If he's flat out against doing anything about it, then you need to come to a decision of either moving on, ( You and your kids don't deserve a miserable life like this ), or going to counceling on your own to learn how to cope with this guy.

 

All of your, "Maybes", seem like reasons to you......but in reality, they are excuses.

 

You're right, these are just my opinions, opinions from a grown man who lived your children's life.

 

Good luck

Moose

[memomma]

I have an appointment with an attorney in the morning at 9:30. It's just taken me a while to make this decision.

I agree. This isn't a good life and it is my decision if I want to continue the cycle or step out in faith and make the necessary changes.

You're right. My kids have said those words exactly....."he's a jerk".

I think mothers tend to blame themselves for the situations they created by divorce and remarriage. It's a hard thing to accomplish successfully and without guidance and/or advice. Pretty near impossible to do if you ask me.

I have asked repeatedly for marriage counseling, gotten bored with counseling sessions that didn't address the real problem (which is why I remained in the marriage) and have finally come to this decision.

Wish me well as I press on towards a life that is not so encumbered with strife.

Thanks

[Moose]

Not only do I wish you well, I'll keep you in my prayers too. Also, don't hesitate to come in here for more help. That's what we here at LS are for.

 

Remember, that whatever you go through in life, good or bad, God wants you to use your trials to help others.

So we may gain some knowledge through your experiences.

 

Good Luck!!

Sincerely,

Moose

[memomma]

Thanks Mr. Moose......

I appreciate and know the power of prayer. Keep my children in prayer as well because I want them to be happy and strong despite the mistakes of their mother.

I'm still smiling and I'm still optimistic that all things.....including this......will work out for my good.

Blessings to you on this day.

Charlotte

[cateinaus]

I'm really happy for you that you are making decisions. Some situations need to be bounced off other people as they are on the outside and can see the whole picture. Messed up emotions, self doubt and tiredness are not the best tools to use in trying to gain clarity. We are all with you in this, sending you positiveness and love. Let us be your strength while you are finding your own again.

Hugs.