RiceaRoni Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 I created this thread so that I can see how many good days begin to outway my bad ones...I feel like I'm moving on, and am close to having a breakthrough. Anyways it's been close to 6 months already since the BU and 5 months now that my ex and his new gf have been together... Today turned out to be a good day so far I woke up early to hit the gym with my best guy friend and then when lunch time came around we went to go eat sushi and talk. Later tonight we're going to playing Xbox together online. He's the only guy who's helped me the most throughout my BU and he recently just broke up with his rebound gf that he got with after leaving his ex before her...he understands what I've been going through and says he knows I deserve better...I just hope he's right. The day isn't over yet, but it's been going good so far so much better than the last few days have been at least. good day: 1 / bad day: 0 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Bando89 Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 Good luck with everything I perfectly know the emotional rollercoaster of good days/bad days :/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AKisBaked Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 Hope the rest of the day with you goes well =) hang out with him more! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coralie Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 There will definitely be more good days for you from here on out, until the day you forget even to keep count anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
denxnis Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 lol guy friend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AwptiK Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 Best of luck RiceaRoni! I've caught several of your posts recently. Every day is another step forward! I hope you stick to this journal/log. I have my own in a notebook beside my bed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiceaRoni Posted April 2, 2013 Author Share Posted April 2, 2013 Thanks you guys. I honestly don't know where I'd be without LS..it's helped me so much I wish I joined sooner, but at first I was sketchy of this website haha xD but its great and I've grown a lot. Yeah I'll keep up with my good and bad days and I'll continue to help as often as I can. The hardest part for me is getting rid of that hope that he'll come back someday...it's been too long and I should know better that he won't...as painful as that is I think it's true, and it's what has been holding me back the most. I want him back so we can talk through and so I can understand why all of this happened in the first place, but I know that if it was what he wanted he would have done it...and so far he hasn't. And that means I gotta keep going forward in life. It's very hard. Especially looking back at memories...I never knew he would do what he did to me...I just hope hes happy with his decision, yet I also believe he must learn a lesson as well, and hope he does. I've learned from my mistakes and now know what I need to accomplish on my part for a successful relationship 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiceaRoni Posted April 2, 2013 Author Share Posted April 2, 2013 I woke up panicking a little from thinking/having a dream of him returning.. I'm calm now though..it's hard to take in after so long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiceaRoni Posted April 2, 2013 Author Share Posted April 2, 2013 Today so far feels blah... Ive been feeling really numb lately and at times I feel anxious like im almost panicking... I feel likes is realizing that theres a high possibility he wont come back at all...it hurts to have to believe that, but I know I can get on with life although ill have many questions unanswered and many words unsaid. Is it normal to feel numbness though? Theres still a part of me that loves him very much, butafter everything that has happened, Im starting not to feel so much as pain, but a numb feeling that is kind of covering it like a scar or bandaid Link to post Share on other sites
Bando89 Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 You will feel everything, actually. Sadness, despair, numbness, rage... I'm feeling so much rage lately. Some days will be great, the next one you'll feel like dying, until you'll slowly stabilize. It's gonna take time, but you will do it for sure. By the way, if that's you in the picture, you are incredibly cute 2 Link to post Share on other sites
blindhope Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 It's always rough when you know there is going to be rough days ahead. Yesterday I went to a baseball game. Something we always did together. Even know that was something I've enjoyed since I was a kid, it was hard and miserable yesterday. But then I realized I'm better off and that's just a something I needed to overcome. So when you hit the hard days remember that's just putting in the work to move one step in the right direction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
na49 Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 I should want nothing to do with my ex but I still want her back. I'm very honest about how I feel and I'm not going to lie to myself and tell myself I don't want her when I do. I'm not going to tell myself I'm happy she's gone when I'm not. Don't lie to yourself. Feel your feelings. If you're happy, feel happy, but if you're sad, be sad. You have every right to be sad. You got your heart broken. Something that my counselor told me that made me feel better is "No one feels happy all the time". It's obviously true, but it's easy for us to feel like everyone around us is living the dream while we're always sad about our BU. You'll have good days and bad days obviously. You'll be over him quicker than you think. It sounds like you've been going out a lot which is definitely the most important thing in feeling better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiceaRoni Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 Thanks guys... I know the ray of emotions and the roller-coaster of ups and downs... Bando89: I never really felt much rage towards him, just disappointed and a little bit of anger...mostly sadness and despair though. The days really getting are easier and as much as I'd wish he'd contact me..it's actually kind of good he hasn't..because it's helping me heal instead of being held back & thank you haha yes that's a picture of me. blindhope: I know what you mean about going to a familiar place or experiencing something you and an ex did...it's so hurtful sometimes and I really try to avoid those places..because memories always come up.. na49: Thanks for the advice it's true that we never always feel happy, and I am honest with how I feel...I still love him very much, but based on what's happened and the events that followed I would find it extremely hard for myself to ever trust him again...it's strange. I love him, but can't trust him..It is how I truly feel though... I try to put the past behind me so everything he did to hurt me..doesn't hurt me as much anymore, but are kind of reminders as to why I can no longer trust him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
blindhope Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 The hardest part for me is getting rid of that hope that he'll come back someday...it's been too long and I should know better that he won't...as painful as that is I think it's true, and it's what has been holding me back the most. I agree 100% Even when I know how bad she treated me in the end and how I know it wouldn't work. But slowly it creeps in that you'd say NO if/when they do. It'll come and go at first but just like everything else the good will start to out weigh the bad. And those moments I do have feeling I don't want her back and could care less about what she's doing, or who she's with is very liberating! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiceaRoni Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 My first girl I almost allowed myself to fall in love with, was like 1mm away from it when she shocked me and went back to her Ex, and then with my drummer in my band - So I quit the ****ing band. Well, I used to dream that she came back, for about 5 months I was depressed about her (but I didnt think she was the only woman in the world). One day in my dream she came to me like always but this time I pushed her away. Then I woke up. And then I never missed her again, was not depressed anymore, and life went on. Oh wow :0 But for me..I've had similar dreams where I've also pushed him away...or I woul have dreams where he would try to hug me or kiss me and I'd say no and question why he was doing those things if he left...it was very strange... It's good you were able to get out of that depression from that dream though Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiceaRoni Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 Well the day is over and it went from blah to sadness... I havent cried in almost 2 months and today it happened--- It was random too...im getting ready for bed and all of a sudden I just start crying....I guess ive been holding it in for a while covering it up by trying to move on... Na and many others have been right about this rollercoaster of emotions..I really rhought I was done with the tears, and I was proud and happy I stopped crying.. Today just went to show that if im feeling sad I need to let it happen. I know im getting stronger. Ive learned so much too. I still think of him at least once everyday and miss him, but my mind isnt going crazy thinking of him every minute like it did in the first few months.. I should be blessed with what has happened after the BU. I got a very nice used car from my grandmother 2 months post BU. I have a well paying job at my age, im in school, have supporting friends and family, and recently got a new phone. I would have loved to share all these things with him, but when he left thats when I started to become blessed with most of these things...I dont know if its a sign or if he was just dumb not to keep on trying, but I know I need to be happy...I deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
blindhope Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 It's good you can realize and appreciate all the good that is also happening to you. At first it's always hard to even accept the good things, because like you said you'd like to have shared it with him. And it always stings a little when you really have something to celebrate or enjoy and not having your ex who we shared that with isn't there. I hate that feeling that their absence can even dilute the good things happening around us. But share with friends and family, enjoy the things and people around us and the rest of it will fill in over time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiceaRoni Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 It's good you can realize and appreciate all the good that is also happening to you. At first it's always hard to even accept the good things, because like you said you'd like to have shared it with him. And it always stings a little when you really have something to celebrate or enjoy and not having your ex who we shared that with isn't there. I hate that feeling that their absence can even dilute the good things happening around us. But share with friends and family, enjoy the things and people around us and the rest of it will fill in over time. Yeah I have been able to celebrate with my friends especially.. I just miss him is all....I never knew it would be true, that when someone breaks up with you or when someone leaves your life its simialr to losing someone to death.. Im mostly proud of myself not getting into a new relationship very quickly like he did. It makes me feel strong and that I dont need a guy to depend on. I guess thats a plus for me.. I think things would have been easier if he stayed single, then again everything happens for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiceaRoni Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 All my mistakes keep popping into my head lately.. I wasnt the perfect gf and I grew insecure as I noticed him drifting and I became what he called clingy....I felt so terrible looking back at the things I did. Ive yelled at him, hung up on him many times when he frustrated me, etc... Im a fool, but ive learned from my mistakes and sometimes I feel like it was my fault for him leaving..I sometimes look and blame myself for many things... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiceaRoni Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 The worst part is I cant stop regretting. I know its too late to change the past and go back, but regret is what keeps coming up....the fact I worked hard and tried so hard with him..its all gone to waste and I feel terrible.. Link to post Share on other sites
blindhope Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 I've been there. Its normal and it will pass. We could have done things different to make things work. But at some point hopefully soon you'ss start to realize the things he did, the mistakes he made. And that sometimes you may not have been the perfect GF, because he wasn't the perfect BF. Also on that fact. No ones perfect. People fight and disagree in relationships. But when it's worth it none of that matters. He may not been mature enough for a real relationship, or may realize what he gave up some day. And when that happens you'll be in a better place to make the right decision with your head instead of your broken heart. "If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” ― Bob Marley 2 Link to post Share on other sites
blindhope Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 where did you get that quote from ? I always read the last part of that, now i know the rest of it I got it off goodreads.com Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiceaRoni Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 I've been there. Its normal and it will pass. We could have done things different to make things work. But at some point hopefully soon you'ss start to realize the things he did, the mistakes he made. And that sometimes you may not have been the perfect GF, because he wasn't the perfect BF. Also on that fact. No ones perfect. People fight and disagree in relationships. But when it's worth it none of that matters. He may not been mature enough for a real relationship, or may realize what he gave up some day. And when that happens you'll be in a better place to make the right decision with your head instead of your broken heart. "If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” ― Bob Marley I love that quote, and ive tried to make it apart of my life before..because its very true. I also dont think he was mature enough for a real relationship and sometimes I feel like I wasnt either..im learning still and I know someday i will be in a better place...its hard now and I know he wasnt the perfect bf and I was okay with that because I knew I wasnt perfect either Link to post Share on other sites
blindhope Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 I know the hesitation. My ex is a mess and ruined my life or so I thought. She did unforgivable things as i think you know the story, yet I find moments when I want her to walk through the door, or hear my phone beep and hope it's her. But in the end when I feel at my best confident and happy I realize that I'm better off. I know it hruts still and it's been over two months. But the good thing is as time goes on you have more hope since, you think about them less than you did a month ago and much less than before that. So when it gets complicated in your head, think about how you it's easier these days than days in the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiceaRoni Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 I know the hesitation. My ex is a mess and ruined my life or so I thought. She did unforgivable things as i think you know the story, yet I find moments when I want her to walk through the door, or hear my phone beep and hope it's her. But in the end when I feel at my best confident and happy I realize that I'm better off. I know it hruts still and it's been over two months. But the good thing is as time goes on you have more hope since, you think about them less than you did a month ago and much less than before that. So when it gets complicated in your head, think about how you it's easier these days than days in the past. I have read your story and im sorry BH...I know what you mean because somedays I wish the same that he'll call or text or something butbhe never has. Its 5/6 months post BU and 5 months since hes been with the new girl... I still blame myself...after the BU he bagan posting sad post via twitter, tumblr, etc..at first it felt like I dumped him and I thought I was going crazy....he made me belive there was something wrong with me..saying I was the mistake, a psycho, that I was a series of unfortunate events... It killed me..the things he said how he treated me and he still had the nerve to say he was very hurt when I started ignoring him in person...that I never cared about him..when he pushed me away when I was desperatly trying to make things work... After all of that I still feel at fault sometimes...I know he was as well..but I still apologized to him for my mistakes and told him id learn and change from learning them . Its been hard. But Ive seen my growth through my pain. I know its hard for you as well BH but like you said we think about how easier it is these days than in the past. Let us stay strong 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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