Ending my friendship because i'm in love with him

[Soulsearching29]

I have been friends with this guy for 3 years. we were friends for 6 months then friends with benefits (sexually involved) for a year and a half then friends only again but close, for the last 12 months.

 

But the friendship has felt more and more false to me because my feelings for him are one sided. I am in love with him and though he cares about me deeply and treats me really well he is not in love with me. This has happened before, once i stopped contact as i liked him more than he liked me, and once he stopped contact because i started sleeping with someone new and he was jealous. but we went back to friends.

 

I told him a few nights ago that I felt this way, but I did not say it completely and to the extent I do. And his answer made it clear I am just a friend. I also asked him to choose at Xmas between being with me or nothing and he said friends. But in between Xmas and till 2 nights ago I went back on it and said friends is good and important to me. So he did not know I felt more still.

 

My question is this. Since 2 nights ago he knows I have feelings, he hasn't said much back. I told him then goodbye and he said same but since he has contacted me and asked me to contact him.

 

I was thinking of writing him the following letter and this is the reason for my post. Please if you are kind enough to let me know what you think of the letter I would really appreciate it. He says he feels confused about why I am finishing the friendship and so this is the reason for the letter.

 

:

Hello --

I hope you are well.

I want to explain and I'm sorry I waited days to explain. I'm not sure where to start, but I think the single most important and honest writing is that I love you more than a friend and

you're more than a friend to me. I have feelings for you and I have hidden. even if we do not even see each other often, not even for sex, you're always on my mind more than you should be. if I want to move on, in my future.

I tried to be friends with you and that you want nothing more, and some

months, i did a great job of hiding it but I have always wondered that you are with, who you are attracted to, if you love me. it is not really a

true friendship, even if we care about each other, I'm not

able to think of you only as a friend. at Christmas I said I wanted

to be with you and I asked you if you did too and you said no, only

friends. I know that my messages were sudden and not that graceful, but that would not have mattered in any way if you had wanted to be with me.

 

Thursday if you had felt the same way I feel, you would have come with us, you would have drunk texted me, you would have tried to kiss me, and you do not. I am not more a friend in your eye for a long time and it is your choice and that's fine, but it is not good for me.

and I knew then that whenever I'm drunk in the evening and

in our area I would want to make calls stupid. texts stupid, stupid moves. every woman you want, I hate it, in a you probably even sense that so if we stop our friendship you will be free. and it will help me to be with someone else because I know 100% that if I was with another man at this point, I would think of you.

 

*I've always been very jealous, too jealous, when it comes to you. I'm sorry for that. I do not know if I found a boyfriend you would be hurt or think about me. I think maybe yes, a little, but

I really do not know. anyway the other way around if you found love while I'm your friend it would really hurt. I hope you find someone who you love and you treat them well as you deserve but i do not think i can be in your life for that.

 

I do not mean that this all sounds heavy, there were many times I was

happy to be friends and living life where it would not get to me. when I

was away for work in february I was good about friends only. it's not like I'm constantly day and night thinking about you and hope to be together. it is not like that. but it always comes back that I'm attracted to you and have so many feelings for you and they will not disappear. I do not know why. I still feel the connection we had when we were very attracted to each other.

 

I am eager to move so that our small town is not a place

where we are so close but only in proximity. I think this will help to forget our feelings.

 

I hope you do not see me as without a heart or trying to hurt you. What other option do I have. stay friends with you and keep stuck in a friendly game when I feel more? Yes, I could have called or said to your face these things and this please accept my apologies that I did not. but you want a conversation like that? Me no, it would hurt. tell someone that you want them, and then they say they do not you want you? we have been there before, we have had that conversation before. it does not change anything.

 

I do not know when it happened, but one day it feels like you woke up and did not feel the same about me as you did before. you've made it clear that you love me as a person and a friend, but not romantically.

 

I want you to be happy. please understand that I am not breaking our friendship and that I love you and care about you, I really do.

it is not easy for me to just cut you out of my life. I cried twice while writing this and I am very sad. but I know that we have dinners, meet for drinks, keep in touch all the time and that you treat me good in every way and at the same time look straight in my eyes and not see someone you like and want to be with.

 

My name

--

 

Please help. I have searched on the internet for hours about whether i should send a letter to him like this, if it will make me stupid and overcaring, of if it is decent and he will truly appreciate it, i even looked at several 'how to write a break up letter' but none of that is right as i am breaking up a friendship, not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing.

 

i am so tired of being friends with him and constantly looking at his Facebook, seeing the women he dates and sleeps with and is attracted to

and thinking how does he feel about her and her and her, did XYZ girl see him that night etc etc. tired of having wonderful fun loving cool evenings with him (he usually cooks) and then the end of those nights is just a smile a kiss on the cheek and i go home wondering if he had thought i was pretty that night, how he feels, if he will starts to want me one day.

just feel done but we are friends and he hasnt done anything wrong. it not his fault he doesnt want me, i dont know what to do.

please help

 

ps also i hope god i have the strength to not go back now. if i go back to being friends, i go back to unrequited love. maybe people will say try to keep the friendship. i'm not sure. i feel like i am too inside of all this to be objective.

[sweetheart5381]

I have been friends with this guy for 3 years. we were friends for 6 months then friends with benefits (sexually involved) for a year and a half then friends only again but close, for the last 12 months.

 

But the friendship has felt more and more false to me because my feelings for him are one sided. I am in love with him and though he cares about me deeply and treats me really well he is not in love with me. This has happened before, once i stopped contact as i liked him more than he liked me, and once he stopped contact because i started sleeping with someone new and he was jealous. but we went back to friends.

 

I told him a few nights ago that I felt this way, but I did not say it completely and to the extent I do. And his answer made it clear I am just a friend. I also asked him to choose at Xmas between being with me or nothing and he said friends. But in between Xmas and till 2 nights ago I went back on it and said friends is good and important to me. So he did not know I felt more still.

 

My question is this. Since 2 nights ago he knows I have feelings, he hasn't said much back. I told him then goodbye and he said same but since he has contacted me and asked me to contact him.

 

I was thinking of writing him the following letter and this is the reason for my post. Please if you are kind enough to let me know what you think of the letter I would really appreciate it. He says he feels confused about why I am finishing the friendship and so this is the reason for the letter.

 

:

Hello --

I hope you are well.

I want to explain and I'm sorry I waited days to explain. I'm not sure where to start, but I think the single most important and honest writing is that I love you more than a friend and

you're more than a friend to me. I have feelings for you and I have hidden. even if we do not even see each other often, not even for sex, you're always on my mind more than you should be. if I want to move on, in my future.

I tried to be friends with you and that you want nothing more, and some

months, i did a great job of hiding it but I have always wondered that you are with, who you are attracted to, if you love me. it is not really a

true friendship, even if we care about each other, I'm not

able to think of you only as a friend. at Christmas I said I wanted

to be with you and I asked you if you did too and you said no, only

friends. I know that my messages were sudden and not that graceful, but that would not have mattered in any way if you had wanted to be with me.

 

Thursday if you had felt the same way I feel, you would have come with us, you would have drunk texted me, you would have tried to kiss me, and you do not. I am not more a friend in your eye for a long time and it is your choice and that's fine, but it is not good for me.

and I knew then that whenever I'm drunk in the evening and

in our area I would want to make calls stupid. texts stupid, stupid moves. every woman you want, I hate it, in a you probably even sense that so if we stop our friendship you will be free. and it will help me to be with someone else because I know 100% that if I was with another man at this point, I would think of you.

 

*I've always been very jealous, too jealous, when it comes to you. I'm sorry for that. I do not know if I found a boyfriend you would be hurt or think about me. I think maybe yes, a little, but

I really do not know. anyway the other way around if you found love while I'm your friend it would really hurt. I hope you find someone who you love and you treat them well as you deserve but i do not think i can be in your life for that.

 

I do not mean that this all sounds heavy, there were many times I was

happy to be friends and living life where it would not get to me. when I

was away for work in february I was good about friends only. it's not like I'm constantly day and night thinking about you and hope to be together. it is not like that. but it always comes back that I'm attracted to you and have so many feelings for you and they will not disappear. I do not know why. I still feel the connection we had when we were very attracted to each other.

 

I am eager to move so that our small town is not a place

where we are so close but only in proximity. I think this will help to forget our feelings.

 

I hope you do not see me as without a heart or trying to hurt you. What other option do I have. stay friends with you and keep stuck in a friendly game when I feel more? Yes, I could have called or said to your face these things and this please accept my apologies that I did not. but you want a conversation like that? Me no, it would hurt. tell someone that you want them, and then they say they do not you want you? we have been there before, we have had that conversation before. it does not change anything.

 

I do not know when it happened, but one day it feels like you woke up and did not feel the same about me as you did before. you've made it clear that you love me as a person and a friend, but not romantically.

 

I want you to be happy. please understand that I am not breaking our friendship and that I love you and care about you, I really do.

it is not easy for me to just cut you out of my life. I cried twice while writing this and I am very sad. but I know that we have dinners, meet for drinks, keep in touch all the time and that you treat me good in every way and at the same time look straight in my eyes and not see someone you like and want to be with.

 

My name

--

 

Please help. I have searched on the internet for hours about whether i should send a letter to him like this, if it will make me stupid and overcaring, of if it is decent and he will truly appreciate it, i even looked at several 'how to write a break up letter' but none of that is right as i am breaking up a friendship, not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing.

 

i am so tired of being friends with him and constantly looking at his Facebook, seeing the women he dates and sleeps with and is attracted to

and thinking how does he feel about her and her and her, did XYZ girl see him that night etc etc. tired of having wonderful fun loving cool evenings with him (he usually cooks) and then the end of those nights is just a smile a kiss on the cheek and i go home wondering if he had thought i was pretty that night, how he feels, if he will starts to want me one day.

just feel done but we are friends and he hasnt done anything wrong. it not his fault he doesnt want me, i dont know what to do.

please help

 

ps also i hope god i have the strength to not go back now. if i go back to being friends, i go back to unrequited love. maybe people will say try to keep the friendship. i'm not sure. i feel like i am too inside of all this to be objective.

 

This literally sounds like torture to me, and I am a complete stranger. I'm sorry for the way you feel.

 

You need to let this one go and move on. You need to take care of you, and hanging onto to this love is detrimental to your well-being.

 

Go complete NC for as long as it takes to get this person out of your mind. Chances are pretty good that when you do, you wont look back. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

 

All the best.

[Standard-Fare]

I haven't read the whole letter, but I can still say with confidence that you shouldn't send it.

 

One question, is English not your first language?

[Soulsearching29]

Thank you for your messages sweetheart and standard fare.

 

English is not my first language, no. i took a lot hard look at the letter and

it is not right and it is too long.

 

But I am still struggling with do I send him a letter or not.

 

He feels I suddenly abandoned a close friendship. i understand that.

 

So i am confused, do I send him something or nothing.

 

I thought of a much better note for him. It is probably eons better but I am still not 100% sure about this.

 

Thank you to saying move on and let go. I will. But I think he deserves a final letter to say sorry and no hard feelings and then I do not know if it is the case. confused. writing a good note will also help me feel better as i did not break up the friendship clearly or well and i regret that.

 

This is the second letter.

 

Dear --

I am sorry for my actions recently and sorry if I hurt you. I think that neither

of us are having a good time at the moment. i am sorry I was not clearer with you with what i was feeling. I just feel like i need to not be close to you while i still think of you as more as a friend. i do not know if you understand this but i really hope you do.

i wish you all the best. with all my love

my name.

 

Is this ok.

[PhoenixRysing]

I think this last version is much better. I am glad you are taking care of yourself and taking steps to distance yourself from what is obviously a very painful situation. I'm sorry you have to go through this and look forward to a post in the future about a man who returns your feelings. ((((Big hugs))))

[Soulsearching29]

pheonixrising

 

thank you so much. do you think i should send it? are you a man and if so would a man think this letter is kind or stupid.?

i also wanted to add this from the first letter. if you could be ever so enormously helpful, is this something i should add.

 

 

I do not know if I found a boyfriend if you would be hurt, i think not, but I am scared you will meet someone while I'm your friend and it would really hurt me. I still feel the connection we had when we were very attracted by each other in the past and i am sure you do not. You've made it clear that you love me as a person and a friend, but not romantically and i want to take a step back so I can get my stupid feelings in check. I want you to be happy. please understand that I do not break our friendship easily.

[Soulsearching29]

OK guys thank you so much. Final letter and final help needed. Maybe especially from a mans point of view, is there any writing below i should take out. i think the second effort on this was good as it made it short. very confused. I want to state clearly that although I am deliberating a lot over this, after i have sent this letter I am going to

Let go

Move on.

thank you.

 

Dear --

I am sorry for my actions recently and sorry if I hurt you. I think that neither

of us are having a good time at the moment. i am sorry I was not clearer with you with what i was feeling. I just feel like i need to not be close to you while i still think of you as more as a friend.

 

I still feel the connection we had when we were very attracted to each other in the past and I am sure you do not. You've made it clear that you love me as a person and a friend but not romantically, and I want to take a step back to forget my feelings.

 

I want you to be happy. Please understand that I do not break our friendship easily. I do not know if you understand this but I really hope you do.

I wish you all the best. With all my love

my name.

[Soulsearching29]

i am new here, should i start a second post with the last letter and new subject line?

after getting advice on this, i am going to post on others questions and try to help, (i am actually quite good at giving advice when it is for others! lol)

and I want to finish this problem with letter, so do i post a new thread or not. thnx.

[Kamille]

I've been that girl in love with a friend for 2 years. I would never want to do that to myself again. It took a toll on my self-esteem and meant I ignored a whole bunch of opportunities.

 

 

Dear --

I am sorry for my actions recently and sorry if I hurt you.

 

 

I don't see where, in your op, you actually did anything to hurt him. I fail to understand why you need to apologize. You hurt yourself by not being honest about your feelings. But how did you hurt him?

 

 

I think that neither

 

 

of us are having a good time at the moment.

 

I recommend you abstain from pretending to know what he is feeling. It is up to him to tell you how the situation makes him feel, not up to you to guess it. Unless he's told you or indicated he's not having a good time at the moment, this sentence doesn't make sense.

 

i am sorry I was not clearer with

you with what i was feeling.

 

Sure. That makes sense. It is probably the only thing you should apologize for.

 

I just feel like i need to not be close to you while i still think of you as

more as a friend.

 

I still feel the connection we had when we were very attracted to each other in the past and I am sure you do not. You've made it clear that you love me as a person and a friend but not romantically, and I want to take a step back to forget my feelings.

 

I want you to be happy. Please understand that I do not break our friendship easily. I do not know if you understand this but I really hope you do.

I wish you all the best. With all my love

my name.

 

The rest is good.

 

I guess I would just warn you against apologizing/taking responsibility for things that are out of your control. You are doing this for yourself, so that you can feel better, heal and move on. Don't take responsibility for his feelings. He's a big boy. He can handle this.

[Soulsearching29]

oh my god thank you so much Kamille. really helps. so i guess i have my final message to him.

i was thinking about his likely reply, and i doubt i will get more than a line or two. knowing him he will say 'do what you have to do. be happy' or something simple like that. yes i would love a long letter back, saying thank you for explaining, saying he understands and appreciates what i am feeling, etc etc (i know i wont get a i like you too letter back) but hey i cant control any of his response. i guess silence will hurt though if its the case, which makes me worry that its not a simple closure letter. no, i do feel i should send this, its much much kinder than the blurry and silent way i did it four days ago which was in a careless way, i hadnt thought it through at all.

[Soulsearching29]

i sent it.

 

will let you know what he says if he replies but have decided not to check my email (i sent it by email) for the next little while and just try and concentrate on the daily boring stuff like cleaning I neglected today because of the letter to him.

 

i do have a question if anyone is still reading.. is there a way to delete this thread? the reason why is that the letter i sent him is word for word the letter in this thread and i would die if he read it here somehow and knows that i am soulsearching29. especially as you can imagine if i post in the future in other areas of the site like parenting etc i want to be anonymous i would hate anyone i know to follow me on here.

[Kamille]

i sent it.

 

will let you know what he says if he replies but have decided not to check my email (i sent it by email) for the next little while and just try and concentrate on the daily boring stuff like cleaning I neglected today because of the letter to him.

 

i do have a question if anyone is still reading.. is there a way to delete this thread? the reason why is that the letter i sent him is word for word the letter in this thread and i would die if he read it here somehow and knows that i am soulsearching29. especially as you can imagine if i post in the future in other areas of the site like parenting etc i want to be anonymous i would hate anyone i know to follow me on here.

 

No, there isn't a way to delete the thread. The terms of use of the cite stipulate that no thread will be deleted, unless there is a really good reason.

 

Still, I suggest you hit the alert button on the right hand side (preferably on the post where your final version of the letter appears). This creates a page where you can send a message to the site moderators. Explain to moderation exactly what you said here. They may decide to delete the thread. Otherwise, you can create a new id if you want to continue using the site.

[Soulsearching29]

thanks kamille i sent them a message

 

no response from the guy. i guess i may get no response even after days! so i should just feel good that i tried to write something that i needed to write.

 

now for the healing and moving on bit. keep busy is the plan for tomorrow :-))

[sweetheart5381]

thanks kamille i sent them a message

 

no response from the guy. i guess i may get no response even after days! so i should just feel good that i tried to write something that i needed to write.

 

now for the healing and moving on bit. keep busy is the plan for tomorrow :-))

 

Good for you. Sometimes you just have to get it off your chest in order to move forward. You made a hard decision that some of us, who have experienced this sort of unrequited love really struggled with. Kudos!

[whichwayisup]

I feel for you. It hurts to love someone and not have them love you the same way.

 

Bottom line is, and I think you know this, a friendship cannot happen. It's preventing you from letting go of him. Being in his life feeds your feelings and keeps them alive. He know this. HE knows too, how you feel/felt about him.

 

Maybe if you can detach and get him out of your blood, one day in the (far) future you two could be buddies again, but not now.

 

Tell you him love him, care deeply for him, want the best for him, always but it's just best for you to disappear for a while. It isn't 'goodbye forever' just for a while.

 

Your letter is heartfelt and honest, that's you! But, if he is reading it, it's too long, too detailed. If you can cut that in half and focus more on your feelings for him rather than speaking or assuming what he thinks or feels, he'll get more what you're saying. Men don't like long letters with emotions, it shuts them down ,especially since he isn't in love with you. YOU KNOW he cares for you and he is emotionally attached you but that's not the same as feeling in love.

 

Hope you feel better soon. Have a cry or two..Or three. It's sad to lose a nice friendship but it is doing damage to you. No other guy can compete with your heart and what you feel for him. Staying friends with him prevents you from meeting a wonderful guy.

[yume]

I think you are doing the right thing by coming to terms with your feelings and realising you can't live your life like this anymore. I did the same thing last night with a male friend whom I've liked for almost a year now....he won't let go of me / our friendship, but he won't take it to the next level when I've told him (more than once) that I like him.

 

It sucks, but you have to do it for your happiness and sanity. I'm struggling with the exact same thing, so I hope you can find solace in the fact that you're not the only one who is going through this. He might always have a special place in your heart, but you can't reserve a spot for someone who won't make the effort to occupy that spot.

 

Take care x

[Soulsearching29]

whichwayisup

thank you for your answer. you said the letter was too long and detailed but i had already sent it when you wrote that. :/ but thanks for the other part of the reply.

 

something really rubbish happened that has made me feel like an IDIOT.

no reply from him so being bored i just went to check my sent folder and read again what i sent to him. so i click on my email sent to him and the sentences

are DIFFERENT SIZES sighhhh. I am computer literate and this never happens to me. It was just so much copying and pasting in order to get the letter right and so it went in different sizes. i'll give you an example : some of the sentences are tiny and some are really big writing. This is awful !!! in no way is it a good letter in the case of that this is what is going to stand out most of all. aaargh!!! nothing i can do but pretty depressing and stupid. x

[Soulsearching29]

well, i got a response.

it was a pretty thoughtless one i think. i don't know, he is a decent person and I didn't expect a novel back and it's not his fault at all that he doesn't have romantic feelings for me. the response sucks though and i do not think i should answer it.

 

the response?

''thanks for your mail. one day i may answer it. kiss''

[hppr]

well, i got a response.

it was a pretty thoughtless one i think.'

 

Some men and women are not capable of loving other people. It's just how they are. If you want a relationship it's not going to happen with a person like that no matter what you do.

[Soulsearching29]

yes it sucks indeed! but as whichwayisup said, it does open the path for a wonderful guy to come along :-)

[Soulsearching29]

yes i think your right, some men are less capable, emotionally unavailable.

thanks for your reply.

am doing ok tonight. feels slightly refreshing that i am not waiting for a 'kisses' text from him, or 'liking' his statuses on facebook (i de-activated for now) or thinking of telling him about something cool i did...

still obviously he is on my mind but it's not so bad. x

[grkBoy]

I think it's poetic.

 

Best to have gotten it out there on the table.

 

At least you have closure and you took a chance.

[Kamille]

yes i think your right, some men are less capable, emotionally unavailable.

thanks for your reply.

am doing ok tonight. feels slightly refreshing that i am not waiting for a 'kisses' text from him, or 'liking' his statuses on facebook (i de-activated for now) or thinking of telling him about something cool i did...

still obviously he is on my mind but it's not so bad. x

 

Oh I love those moments, when suddenly, you feel "free" from a "problem" that has been plaguing you for years. Eventually, you will feel like that all the time.

 

But, let's face it, this is the end of a "friendship". You will likely have moments when you are down. When you do feel down, just remember that there are moments when you do feel free from the pain and anxiety this relationship has been causing you.