9 year marriage separation

[RICKY7780]

Hey there everyone. First off I would like to say thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this as it may be long.

 

Ill start off by saying that I am 29 years old and my STBXW is 25. we were high school sweethearts and started dated young. We were together for 10 yrs and married for 9. We have 2 kids together ages 8 and 2. Our marriage has been so rocky. We separated countess times and i think one of the longest times we were separated was about 6 months. I wont go into too many details about our past problems but just try and touch on some key points. With her its always been the cheating. She cheated on me, from what i could gather for sure, about 10 different guys over our 10 year relationship. I strayed from our marriage every now and then but its was never anything sexual. She has been the only woman that i slept with in our relationship. She went through alot of problems like drugs and just trying to live a teenage life that she never got to experience. I have always had the more grown up attitude between the both of us. As we got older all the bad things that we aways went through that caused our marriage to fall apart started to go away. We became smarter to alot of our wrong doings. Prior to our current separation the last separation we had was last year from feb to about april of 2012. We got back together around april and decided to give it one last shot. Everything was perfect. it had finally seemed like we were on the same page in our marriage. Something that we had never really felt for each other or experienced. Now fast forward to mid september of 2012. I had started contact with another female. we exchanged texts and our conversations got heavy at times. my intentions were to never cheat in a sexual way. i just loved the attention and got caught up in it. During that time period i ignored my wife a lot, got attitudes with her and ignored her for a whole day. i wouldnt show any affection. In that time she was holding in how much she was getting fed up with things. At some point she wanted out. She would talk to her coworkers about us and some of our problems. she would give her number out to guys to talk. most of them being older men. Towards the end of october she had filed for a non contested divorce. she server me the papers and it destroyed me. It clicked in my head what i have done and caused but by then it was too late. i begged her to not leave and to please take me back. she claimed that she just couldnt do it anymore. i was destroyed. a week goes by. At this point we still live in the same house. at one point i snooped through the cell phone records and found that a certain number started to come up frequently. lots of texts were exchanged through out the day. some pictures as well. I confronted her about it and she claimed that it was a 40 something year old guy at work which later i found to be a lie. it belonged to a 30 year old coworker. she finally admitted it and claimed that they were just friends. so after that i started to track her phone. one day i found that after wor she had stopped at a certain location and sat in the same spot for almost an hour, everntually it started moving to a secluded area and thats when i called her to find out what she was doing. Her trace quickly changed direction and went back to the original spot. shortly after she came home. at that point my anger had taken over and i had packed her things up and kicked her out. she begged me not to but she refused to tell me who she was with or what she was doing. she even denied any of that happening. so october 30 being the last day we ever lived together and that starts our current separation.

 

Now, to my current dilemma. from the time i kicked her out i started to find out details about her and that 30 year old coworker. during november im guessing they started getting more involved. towards the end of november she finally admited to me that they had already began dating. the tim e periods she gave me indicated that they had gone on dates about the time i kicked her out and started officially dating 2 weeks after. from november to about mid jan, my wife has been so iffy. constantly breaking up with him becasue of how torn she was. we spent xmas together as a family and new years as well. we slept together a couple of times as well. In january her and that guy had gotten more serious. she had her own apt by that time. He would stay the nights with her and be around my kids. The kids we would spread time evenly between us both. There was times that she would ask me to go over and have drinks and flirt with me. she would hold me and tell me she loved me. but never made a commitment to be with me again. in february we had our divorce court hearing. it ended with the judge dismissing it becasue i didnt agree to the things my wife wanted out of the divorce. The weeks that i had the kids she would eventually stay with him at his house. now she has moved in with him. She claims that she loves him so much. that she feels its him who shes supposed to be with. But still to this day she claims so much that she wants to be with me. makes no sense to me. She claims that she wants to be with me, make things better but just cant because of my family and doesnt want to risk trying again just to come up hurt again. i have taken her back countless times during our marriage. she slept with som many guys, i pulled her out from drug addictions and still i took her back every time. becasue i loved her so much. im a traditional man and believes that every marriage is worth saving. So here i am still wishing to be with her and fix our marriage. but i can see that it will never happen.even until today we have never gone more than 4 days no contact. we constantly tell eachother that we need to let go and stop talking about being together. most of the time its me. she tells me so much that its him who she wants to be with and not me. she tells me that she loves me so much though and wishes she could be with me. constantly thinks through out the day about us. everytime we see eachother she flirts with me. she gets jealous when she hears that i may be with someone. she texts me pictures of her and tells me all sorts of things. just the other day she wanted to meet up to have sex but we ended up not doing it because there was people around. no matter how much she claims to love him she always tries to keep me in her life. she says that shes not going to text me then does so the next day. telling me how she misses me and all that. it confuses me.

 

so now here i am trying to figure out how to handle things. i hate the fact that another man is in my kids lives. its been 1 week since my wife moved in with him. shes even told me they have talked about having a kid together but that it wont be until she is divorced. I have since agreed on her wants out of the divorce. due to my job i cant keep our kids becasue i work a lot. i currently live with my parents because it allows me to have my kids. they help me so much with taking them to school and picking them up until i get off work. but now i have agreed to give my wife primary household and have the kids live with her. which in turn means living with that guy and it angers me and pisses me off that he will from now on be around my kids more than i will. he will start being more of the male model in their lives and i cant stand the thought becasue i WANT to be in their lives. I know hes a good guy and treats my wife like a queen. she says hes perfect. does things for her that i never did that i now wish i would have. i was always stubborn and hard headed and i have realized and fixed so many things in the past 6 months. but im still having trouble letting go because for some reason i still hold hope that she might want to work things out with me and get my family back together. it kills me so bad that here soon i will get my kids every other weekend. it hurts so bad becasue i never wanted this for my marriage and especially my kids. i will no longer get to wake up to their faces or see them when i come home. i want to be there in their lives forever and it now hurts me that i can't. i feel depressed at times and i start missing my wife so much. she claims that she wants me to move on but when she talks to me she says things that give me hope. and i know i shouldnt listen to any of it because shes making her choices now. how do i let go? how do i cope with this? is there hope for us? is there a chance that we will get back together. keep in mind that what i wrote above is not even 1/4 of my story or thoughts. im tired of going through each day putting on a fake smile and pretending im ok. dont get me wrong there are days where im happy as can be and loving life, but then i get down again thinking about losing my wife and marriage. all input in my situation is greatly appreciated. thanks again for taking the time to make it through my jumbled mess of thoughts and problems.

Edited April 2, 2013 by RICKY7780

[aMguilts]

paragraphs please

 

it will help get more replies

 

aM

[GuyInLimbo]

Wow that's a lot.... Can't read it all right now. But I stopped at the cheating part and skimmed. I think it's beyond clear how completely dysfunctional this relationship is and how immature your wife is. It's pathetic on every level. And she wants MORE kids??? She should stop breeding immediately. How selfish to bring more children into these situations. What does she think, they're cute play things??? Ugh!

 

Second, it's up to YOU how involved you can be in your kids' lives. Just because you get divorced doesn't mean you are not part of their lives.

 

Third, I want to punch you when you say you miss this wretched woman. After how she's treated you since the beginning... and you MISS her? I hope you find a therapist to knock some sense into you. This marriage is NOT worth saving. In fact, it's impossible, so let go of that. You married a very, very damaged woman who isn't going to change. Save yourself while you can.

[SoleMate]

You may be a traditional man (I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now), but your wife is not a good candidate for successful traditional marriage. You detail so many issues in your overly dense post that it's just hard to comprehend. Drugs, cheating, teenage parenthood, lies, anger, distressed damsel syndrome, emotional affairs, and two people who do not appear to have the skills or knowledge necessary for a successful marriage. Not surprising when a 19 year old man takes up with a 15 year old girl and calls it "high school romance". She may be acting immature because she didn't have the time or chance to mature as an adult without the burden of a demanding male partner.

 

At this point, I suggest you focus on your kids' wellbeing since it is one of the few areas where you have constructive actions to take.

[RICKY7780]

First off I would like to apologize for my clustered up post. I wrote it in a hurry trying to get ready for bed last night. But as soon as I get home I will go back trough it and clean it up.

 

second I would like to thank those who responded. I'm well aware of this marriage just not being able to be saved. So much dysfunction. But as I reread my own post i made it sound so harsh towards my wife, which i completely understand that she still has alot of growin up to do. With that said, she really is a good mother. She has a very good heart. Problem is that she never used that good towards our marriage. She grew up in a seperated home and I can see and tell how it destroyed her and her siblings life. The way they grew up and got treated. Going back and forth between mom and dads. Mom never caring about them and leaving them home just to go party and sleep around. I see so many similarities between them. And I just don't want my kids to be in that kind of situation.

 

Now my kids, I know I will always be in their lives but I just wish it they could have been raised in the same household without ever having to worry about mommy and daddy seperating. And now they will soon be living with some other guy. That's what's hard for me. Me and my wife are on excellent terms. No arguing or anything. The kids of course are our main priority.

 

Now I understand its dumb for me to miss her and that's what I want to get over. I myself can't understand why I miss her and love her so much after everything she did to damage me. It's funny to me because when a coworker or friend goes through similar events I can always provide so much good advice but I can never seem to take my own. I just wished there was hope.

Edited April 2, 2013 by RICKY7780