My story - and need help

[LoneStar49]

My first post here, and I really need some helpk. I'm hesitant as I've been reading the other theads and although this forum is designated as The Other Man/Woman forum, it seems there is a lot of negativity generated by some. I suppose most of us involved with married people are well aware of the negatives - no need to beat us up for it. Actually, I think few of us would be here posting if we were really happy with the current state of affairs (and absolutely no pun intended. I'm not in a "pundy" mood today.) Anyway..here goes - and any constructive advice or thoughts are welcomed. This is becoming far more than I can handle alone.

 

Three and a half years duration with a married man. Off and on. In fact, for over 18 months, I totally ignored him - did not respond to a single e-mail or phone call. During this time, I was sometimes barraged with e-mails. I never responded, but be assured, I felt like my life was a living hell and I was merely going through the motions of living. Then, after all those months, I caved, thinking we could "just talk." That was 9 months ago. Numerous times I've broken it off, and in fact, at times, begged him to leave me alone, but he'd always come back, stating he had decided what he wanted. There were some compounding circumstances which I fully understood having to do with business interests, etc. The house is currently on the market for sale. Lots of things to indicate he was serious.

 

Two weeks ago, I again broke it off. Responded very nicely to another e-mail telling him I had heard the stories far too many times to believe them, told him I was planning on leaving the area (true) as I felt it would be the only way to end things. He called. Somehow, he thought I was moving the end of October, but actually, it won't be until the end of December. Still, during conversation, wife (who had known about this affair for almost the entire time although I'm not certain she was aware it was still going on) came into the room and he told her he was talking to me. We talked for 4 hours. She came into room again, obviously angry. Shouting match. I heard him tell her they had nothing in common, their marriage was a farce, etc., etc. He later showed up at my door, stating he had decided, he couldn't lose me, and he was not going back. I asked him if he was sure, if he was going to stay forever because I could not go through any more of this stuff, and he replied, "Untll I die." I even asked if he was going to be able to handle driving back and forth to work (about 1 1/2 hours each way) and he said yes. He left the next morning, called around noon from work. All was fine. I asked if he had talked to wife. Said she had called, but he had told her he would call her back. I called him about 3:30, said he was busy but would call back.

 

That was last Wednesday and I haven't heard a single word since. I called Thursday. At first, I was scared something may have happened to him. Left a message. No response. I called Friday. Left a message saying I was aware he may have had a change of mind, but more than anything I was concerned about him. If he had decided things were over, please...just a simple e-mail saying, "It's over." I even went so far as to say in the message...you know that I'll never contact you again if that is what you want. And he does know that is true. Without his constant e-mails and calls and faxes and mailed cards, etc., over the past 3 1/2 years, this would have ended long ago. Never in our history has he not responded either via phone or e-mail to my messages. Never.

 

Do I love him? With all my heart. Was I willing to give him up? Yes. But what I can't understand, and what is killing me is simply...what happened in a period of about 3 hours that would change this person I knew so well into...nothing. Into a person that won't even tell me "it is over."

 

I'm really desperate for help in understanding this. In spite of all that has happened in the last few years, I've never in my life (and I'm not young!) been so depressed. I'm on the verge of being non-functional.

 

Thanks for any words of wisdom.

[mighty bop]

You shouldn't have to live your life like this. It's not that hard to find someone else. When you do find them, hopefully you will be thinking of them and not the guy cheating on his wife who doesn't know what he really wants. Do the right thing, as hard as it is, move away, change your phone number AND email, everything and try to forget about him. See other people. You will be surprised how soon you forget him.

 

Chris

[LoneStar49]

Thanks, Chris. And yes, you are probably right...that is the conclusion I had already come to. Move, change e-mails, etc., etc. And, I was ready to do that (and those are still my plans) but what will haunt me until the day I die is why, within a span of about 3 hours and after close to 4 years, did he suddenly remove himself from my life? After all, it isn't as if I had not asked him many times before to go away and leave me in peace.

 

Honestly...I've concocted many scenarios in my mind over the past few days, but the one that is the most disturbing to me is...did something happen to him? Is he dead? This was so totally out of character for him. It is so unbelievable to me. To say that I'm in a state of shock and denial would be an understatement of huge proportions.

 

So again, after almost 4 years of him refusing to leave me alone - even bordering on stalking at times - why, and even how, could a person have such a drastic change in less than a few hours?

[ep]

I read your story and am sorry about your pain. I think you should do a little checking to make sure he is indeed okay and not in a hospital somewhere, or worse. Go online, or to the obituary section of his local paper. Or maybe just a simple call to his workplace, ask for him and, if he's there, hang up. After you have proof positive that he is fine and carrying on with his life, then I guess there comes the big question of why he cut it off so quickly. I don't know this man but how much inner strength does he have? Maybe he took the cowardly way out. Maybe his wife threatened him or is holding something over his head? It doesn't seem consistent with his usual pursuing of you, but then again, how well do you really know him? One thing that may sound harsh, but I will say it anyway, it doesn't say much for his professed love and caring for you if he was able to do that to you. If you care for someone, you communicate with them, they know where they stand with you, etc... It will hurt a lot right now to lose him, but in the end, you can hold onto the fact that he wasn't what you need in your life if he was so self-centered and uncaring to this to you.

 

I am sorry but you seem like a nice person and deserve better. I wish you much happiness.

[LoneStar49]

Thanks for replying, ep, and in fact, over the weekend, I did check the obituarites. I even called a few of the major hospitals, although this is a huge metroplex with many, many hospitals. As for calling his work, well, he is self-employed and that is where I called twice last week and left messages. He is the only one that accesses that answering machine, and so, since it is his business, I know he got the messages. Unless, that is, something did happen to him.

 

As for inner strength...I've always known him to have great inner strength, though maybe not as much as mine. I keep going back to the same things over and over and over...he knows me probably better than anyone on earth, and he knows if he had merely told me "It's over" I would have gone away and left him alone forever, as badly as it may have hurt. And no, it isn't consistent with anything I've ever known about him. If you had a continuum going from 1 to 1000 - this would place him on opposite ends of that spectrum.

 

I can't agree with you more about the professed love. Yes, it does sound harsh, but not nearly as harsh as I've been with myself the past few days. That's part of my personal nightmare...to believe that I could have believed in someone so totally only to have this happen. I've never been so naive as to believe I might not get hurt in the end, but I would have staked my life and the lives that all that I hold dear on the fact that he would have never treated me in such a cruel and inhumane way. If nothing else, I always believed that in his heart - confused as it might have been at times - he was a good person.

 

This is part of the e-mail I had sent him last week in response to several received. It was after this that we talked for the four hours and he showed up, sounded definitive, stayed the night, left...then nothing. Like I said, this will haunt me forever. It's much like a death - leaving unfinished business. I am so sad.

 

XXX, it saddens me greatly to say this, but it really is over. I’m not sure if things went too far this time, or if it became a cumulative thing, tho’ I suspect the latter. All I really know and all that matters is that I can no longer handle it.

 

I, too, have so many things I’d like to say to you, and I’ve tried before – even as late as last week when I wrote that long thing that I wanted to discuss with you. But one of the things I’ve learned in these past three years is that some of what I had to say, you didn’t understand and much of it...you simply didn’t care. I don't fault you for that as I am a rather complex person and can be difficult to understand at times. That said, I’ll never understand why all of this happened, but again, it no longer matters. Neither of us can continue to put ourselves through this type of anquish. I wish you well and I sincerely hope you find the peace and happiness you are searching for. If you are so lucky – be it with Mrs. XXX or someone else – please, please, please…don’t hurt that person. Nobody deserves that. Love is supposed to make you happy. Not sad. And we've both had too much sadness.

[ep]

Your situation is hard to figure out. It seems as if he really cares about you. Could it be that he doesn't want you to go away, yet he doesn't want to leave his wife anymore? Maybe he doesn't know what to do. If he tells you the truth he loses you. But not talking at all doesn't make much sense and sounds very immature. He can't go on like that forever. I would still wait till you have proof positive that he has not met with foul play. Is there any opportunity for you to actually SEE him somewhere, coming out of his house, etc... Anywhere? I know this would be spying but you need to find out. What about his local police? Could you just say you are worried about someone and haven't heard from them and just want to check their list of missing people?

 

I certainly don't know this man but many, many married men want to have their cake and eat it too, you know? It does sound like it's just a matter of time for his marriage. All could not be perfect or he wouldn't cheat, plus you even overheard them yelling at one another. Is there money involved? Would his wife get a substantial amt of money if he divorced her?

 

I can totally see how it would feel like someone you love has died. It is a loss. Relationships that end always are, no matter how right it was to end it. You were intimate with another human, shared so much. But this is not the end of the world and you will be stronger from it. I was involved with a married man and we talked and talked for hours. For a few years I felt that he was my soulmate. It's a long story but I am also married and decided to stay married and so I ended things between us. He has called and written but I am trying to stay strong and ignore him. Even though he has said so many sweet and loving things to me, told me that he treasured me, etc. I will always feel that men, deep down, have physical and emotional needs that their wives are not meeting and so go looking for someone else. They don't want to actually divorce their wives. That would be complicated, many have children, etc. They just have a strong drive to get their needs met. They can really make a mess of things because they feel that they need to say certain things to the other woman to keep her happy.

 

I don't know if this is your case or not, just one perspective.

[LoneStar49]

Hi again, ep. Funny, I was in there dozing on the couch, yet I heard the e-mail notification on the computer. Of course, I rushed in here...strange, isn't it, how a bull elephant could walk through and you wouldn't hear a sound, but s simple little "ting" and your hopes fly high.

But to answer your questions - no, there is no way I could see him walking out of his house, etc. Very secluded area and I would never risk being seen doing something like that. The humiliation factor would be far too great. I have given thought to driving over and calling from a strange number and hanging up if he answers. At least then I would know he is OK and alive.

You mentioned money problems and that has been a huge factor. Like many, his business suffered greatly following the 9/11 disaster and I know he has been struggling for months to pull it back together. One of his main concerns for the longest time has been business debt and the threat of bankruptcy. In fact, the night I was on the phone and overheard the argument they were having, part of it had to do with that. He told her that if she wanted it (meaning the business) she could have it all (and of course, this wasn't said with calmness and coolness - it was laced with a lot of ugly remarks). He mentioned something about trying to cut corners every which way and told her he was one step away from bankruptcy. There was a lot of ugliness in that confrontation. Nonetheless, at times, we had discussed tthis business stuff in great detail and it seemed that he was waiting for that to turn around. He had talked to an attorney about the consequences of divorce several months back, but was advised that it would not be a wise step at this juncture - financially. And again, I could appreciate that although I did repeatedly say that I could not handle being the OW. You know...when all of this started 3 1/2 years ago, I told him then that I just wasn't cut out for that role. I knew it, yet allowed myself to be taken in.

 

I went back and read your story. So sad for you, but I will say this. I would never tell my husband. If you have decided to stay with him, why inflict that pain on him? To me, it would seem pointless. I know...some advocate truth and honesty, but there is something to be said for protecting others from pain.

 

I agree that men, and women, too, look to others to meet their emotional needs when those needs are not being met by the spouse. And its funny that you said that because during that yelling match I heard, one of the things she kept saying is, "But I take care of you." I say funny, because so often, he has told me that he could hire a maid to do what she does for him and that is, essentially, what she was saying. Me? I'm just the opposite. So often, I had told him...I'm not one for "taking care" of people. That's their responsibility. In fact, if anything, I want to be taken care of. Not long back, we were talking and I made the comment that after years of keeping the perfect house...everything in order...I was tired of that and what I wanted more than anything was to enjoy my remaining years. Have fun! As an example, I said something to the effect that if it was Saturday morning and faced with the routine Saturday laundry, cleaning, etc., and going off of a spur-of-the-moment trip - I'd take the trip and face the dirty laundry and nothing to wear to work on Sunday night.

 

I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I suppose because I've had no one else to talk to and in some strange way, it does help. Still, what happened? Why after almost 4 years - absolutely nothing. One of the things I don't want to do is hate him. If I do that, what does it say about me? I allowed myself to become involved with him and even against my own better judgment. And somehow - someway...I honestly can't believe he is a bad or evil person. After so much time, I really believe he did love me and that is what is making this one of the most difficult things of my life. I'll never forget those words the last night he was here when I asked if he was going to stay forever..."Until I die."

[whichwayisup]

OH Lone, I feel for you. I really hope that he's okay. I'm starting to worry now! Dont know if it's appropriate or not, but calling the police and getting them to check up on him? Maybe that's going too far, but if it was me that is what I would do.

 

Hope it works out and he's atleast safe.

 

You hang in there, you're very strong, stronger than you think! Glad you are posting about it all here.

[ep]

I know what you mean about the "ting" of the computer alerting you to a new email. It can be so exciting and I am sure you were hoping it was him. Did you two email frequently? We did. I think I miss that more than anything. We had this routine to say hi via email every morning. He would tell me he was getting his tea and then he would sit down and tell me every little thing that was going on. Don't men know that women become very emotionally attached when they tell us their stuff. We would go for months without seeing each other, and would just write emails and maybe a phone call here and there. I know it was wrong but yet I couldn't help it. You sound a lot like me. I kept telling him I was not cut out for this. I wanted honesty and can't stand sneaking around. There are so many negatives in these kinds of relationships and they end up outweighing the positives.

 

I really feel badly for you. I think you could be okay if and when you find out what is going on with him. I like the idea of you driving somewhere and calling from a payphone or whatever and then hanging up. I would just keep doing that until you hear his voice. You really need to know. In the meantime, keep your chin up and know that life can lead you down some extremely difficult paths. You will be okay. You sound strong and self-assured, you just need some questions answered. I am sure you will always love this person.

 

I agree that I should never tell my husband. This is my mess and I should be the one to do all the hurting. Our marriage has it's own share of difficulties but there is no excuse for me cheating. I have stopped all contact with the other man in the hopes of saving my marriage. This forum helps me too. I was ready to bust! I couldn't tell anyone! Everyone would hate me and judge me, I just know it. They are probably right but I just couldn't handle that. I have had a few sad days lately. I really do miss him. I hope this feeling subsides. I am worried it will take years. Ugh!

[ep]

I agree with Whichwayisup. I think you should contact the police. Do whatever it takes to find out about him. I hope and pray everything will be alright.

[LoneStar49]

Oh, whichwayisup....I've really given some thought to calling the police, but what would I tell them. "Hey, I was having an affair with this man and...." I can just imagine their reaction. On the other hand, as I've said a billion times to myself the past few days and several here...this is so out of character for the person that I've known for almost 4 years. I was thinking earlier...even if he had been emergently admitted to the hospital or something, I honestly believe he would have figured out some way to get word to me...have a nurse call me or something. At first, I thought of some terrible family tragedy - the death of his father? No. A couple of years ago, when his mom died, he kept in touch with me on a regular basis throughout that entire ordeal of hospitalization and funeral.

 

Up until Sunday night, I even thought that maybe he had taken off on his own for a few days to just give some serious thought to things...what he was going to do, etc. That would be very much in character for him. But come this morning, and no word - positive or negative from him - and I had to eliminate that as a possibility. I just don't know. Something happened between the time I talked to him around noon on Wednesday and when I called him at 3:30. When he said he was busy, I assumed he was talking with Mrs. XXX. I just can't imagine what it was. I can't imagine that any person would go through what we've been through for all these years and have it all negated in a short conversation. I know she knew we were involved, and I know he had told her in the past he was in love with me and would never give me up. I'm not certain she knew we had again become so heavily involved (after that 18 months of absence), but I do know that he had moved out at least once during the past nine months and spent several weekends here. That was probably enough to tell her that something was ongoing. I just can't imagine any of this happening.

 

And ep...most of our relationship was either in person or on the phone. Occasional e-mails, but mainly from him to me and generally, during times of problems between us. It wasn't unusual for us to spend 2, 3, 4 hours a day on the phone - off an on through out the course of the day. And generally, we'd see each other a couple of times a week. He might spend the night over here, or we'd meet for lunch or dinner or a movie. He bought a "second childhood" Harley a couple of years ago, and every few weeks, we'd spend a Sunday out riding in the country. Just whatever. In fact...that reminds me of something kind of amusing. Back in April, we had it out about something and he made some smart remark about me giving back the $200.00 helmet he had bought me - he could sell it on e-Bay. Wow! Made me mad! So...I promptly packed it up, along with some of his clothes and other stuff he had here, called a courier service, and had it delivered to his office (at a premium price, I might add). I e-mailed to say it was on the way. Well, as luck would have it, he didn't get the e-mail but Mrs. XXX was riding by the office just as the courier was delivering it. So, she picked it up and carried it home. You can imagine what she had to say when he opened the box. But, he brought the helmet back the following weekend and we went riding.

 

No...I think I can come to one of four conclusions.

1. Something horrible has happened to him.

2. She threatened me somehow. I know him too well to believe he would take to any type of threat against himself. He's the type that would say - go for it and I'll best you in the end.

3. He has decided that until he can see his way free and clear, he won't have any contact with me. I had told him not long back...knock on my door if and when you are ever divorced and we'll talk - but be certain and have the papers in your hand.

4. He decided it just wasn't worth it anymore. (and you know, that is the one that I believe the least of all in spite of everything.)

 

ep...I understand what you mean by feeling like you were going to bust When I first started reading here this AM, I was concerned about bashing from other wives, but you know...I learned long ago...don't cast stones. "There but for the grace of God go I." I don't think many of us would have chosen this position to be in. Unfortunately, love is such a powerful emotion and turning away from someone you love is an almost impossible thing to do.

[whichwayisup]

I totally get what you are saying...But not knowing is worse. I can't see him just up and leaving and never talking to you again, you're right, it is out of character for him! Totally. Telling the police that he is a good friend, no need to go into details. I would seriously do it.

 

You think she threatened him in a sense that SHE would harm YOU if he came near you or contacted you? Hmm. Even that still he would find someway to warn you. I just don't see after so many years and everything that happened him just walking away without telling you it's over. I'm blown away by your story, really am.

 

Hang in there! Hope it all works out.

[LoneStar49]

Hi again, whichwayisup - and I like that name although right now, I feel like "whichwayisdown!" Or better yet..."howmuchfartherdown."

 

No, I don't believe she would threaten any sort of physical harm, but she may have threatened to name me in a lawsuit or something like that. But you have kind of given me reason to discount that train of thought. As you said, if that had been the case, surely he would have called to tell me that. So now I'm left with the other three choices.

 

You are blown away by this story. Can you only begin to imagine how I must feel? And of course, after all these years, there is so much more to it than could ever be written here. I don't fall in love easily. I was married many, many, many years ago, and my husband died unexpectedly at a very early age. In the 27 years since his death, I've been in love 2 times, and this was my second time and by far, the...what? Strongest? Most enduring? I'm not certain what word to use, but I do know that I felt a peacefulness and comfort with Mr. XXX that I had never felt before. I am a strong person, to be certain, and so is he. But even strong people need others to lean on occasionally, and he was that for me. Even during that 18 month period of not seeing each other (although he did continue to e-mail me - I did not respond), in a sense, I still relied upon him because I knew he was there for me if I needed him. Now this nothingness...

 

Police...I still don't think I can do that. Even if I could avoid the explanations, they'd ride up to his office and confront him...maybe tomorrow I'll drive over and do the phone call thing. I'm only afraid that if he did answer, I wouldn't be able to hang up. And then? Who knows. I might have to face something that I don't want to hear. Either way it seems a no-win situation. One of the sad things about something like this is simply that in any other type of "open" relationship, we could have a friend do the calling for us - anonymously. Childish? Yes. But at least it could be done. But since these are hidden relationships, there is nobody to turn to for help.

[whichwayisup]

You are strong, I can tell by what you say and how you are expressing yourself in your posts.

 

I'm sorry about the loss of your husband. That must have been really hard to go through and now going through this I understand and feel for what you're going through.

 

I'd call for you! Thought that might make you smile abit.

But yes, I do think you need to call for your own piece of mind, either way...You have to know even if it isn't good, if he ends it. Maybe he won't. I shouldn't tell you what you should/should not do, but I think if I was in this situation I'd have to know.

 

Take Care.

[whichwayisup]

Ohhh and thanks! The name just came to me. It was that or Raincloud. Think I chose the better of the 2!

[leilab]

Lonestar,

I have not posted for a while, or responded to anyone's post - just been kind of "thawing" out from my shocking experience which ended abruptly 6 months to the day (March 13, 2004). And since then I have not heard from him ever again.

 

No, nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to the stories posted about the OW/MM story. And death is exactly what it feels like. One day here - and the next day NOTHING.

 

I understand how you feel exactly - the depression & feeling of abandonment.

 

One of our ladies on-line here told me something that I would like to pass on to you. "He never abandoned you - because he was never committed to you". As much as he was emotionally involved with you, he was committed to his family.

 

What most don't realize is that this is really serious stuff. People don't just get hurt, they spiral completely out of control, where rationality looses out to an emotional rollercoaster. The people involved in these triangle situations are pushed to extreme mental states during which there is no prediction what they are capable of doing or how they are acting.

 

Same holds true for you MM. You can wreck your brain on the how, why, etc. And believe me I am still doing that. But reality is that your MM is in that state of mind - and there is no prediction on what is going on inside of him, or what made him do the one thing or another.

 

Even you said it - it is too big to handle for you. I am not a very spiritual person, but I have to say that over the last 6 months I tell myself over and over that "god's will be done" - that is pretty crazy but as I say for me this was such an extreme situation that I had to find solice somewhere.

 

Not that I have healed but I am making it through the day. And that is what you have to focus on. Taking care of yourself and to stop the bleeding. You need to bandage yourself and do WHATEVER you have to (look within yourself) to make it through this.

 

This is a good place to come.

Take care

[LoneStar49]

Wow, leilab. Just wow. I can't believe anyone else has actually had this same thing happen to them. So your MM just flat disappeared, too? And you never heard from him again? Did you have any idea it was coming? Even in retrospect?

 

And as much as I hate to hear what you said about the lack of commitment and as much as I would like to scream at you - "NO! NOT TRUE!" - in my heart, I know it is very true. And yes, this is very serious business. I know that I have been pushed beyond any limit I've ever had to face before. Even when my husband died...and I went through the grief process, I at least knew that he was, in fact, dead, as much as I wanted to deny it.

 

These past few days have been only what I can described as some kind of hell on earth. Not knowing. Wondering? Vascillating between worry, concern, anger...and yes. Abandonment. That word reached out and slapped me. We all have triggers and you know...that is one of mine. And he knew that. I'm wondering now...did he have any level of comprehension of what this would do to me? Could he really be that cruel? I could never do that to a person. Even when I had told him I was leaving the area in a few months...you know, I had honestly intended to change my e-mail, address, etc. However, one of my plans had involved getting one of those pay-by-the-month cell phones and, on the day I literally left this area, mailing him a letter with the number to say something along the lines of...I'll keep this number just for you for at least 2 years. If your circumstances change, call me. If not...OK. But, still, I was intending to give him a way to contact me. Silly, now that I look back on those thoughts.

 

March 13...when I read that date, I paused to wonder...what was I doing on that day? Was it a happy day for me? I think we go through life not ever understanding how someone standing next to us might be in more pain than we can even imagine. I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through. Have your told of your experiences on this message board? I'm going to see if I can find it.

[leilab]

Lonestar-

Yes I have posted my story. I was pretty much bashed and really was in no physical condition for it. I had been going to intevention counseling --

 

No, he did give me the satisfaction of telling me on the phone that "He could not do this anymore" and that "it had to stop" - since then nothing.

 

My point that our affair went from one extreme to the other. We were both married with kids and had an affair 8 years ago. He came back to me and asked for my forgiveness and wanted us to be together, etc....soul mates, die in my arms, the one he's been waiting for--- blah, blah blah. He was fixed --but guess what--yep, I got pregnant.

 

That sealed the deal - that was the sign we were supposed to be together-- he went home to tell his wife that he wanted a divorce. From then on it was 3 weeks of hell - he thought he had lung cancer - could not talk to me--needed his space- I was going insane not knowing what to do about the baby.

 

Then he called me and told me he was still in love with his wife & he wanted to work out his marriage.

 

3 days before I had the abortion.

 

He never called to find out if I was ok.

 

He never called to find out if I went through with the abortion.

 

I thought I knew him inside and out especially how he felt about me

 

He told me that if he could have changed one thing in his life it would have been to wait for me.

 

He never ever told me he had any feelings for his wife

 

He came back to me after 8 years???...hello

 

Never have heard from him again.

 

This from a man to whom I was everything???????????

 

And then I was nothing.

 

I can say that I am now divorced (final settlement was done this week) and my kids live with me & see dad as often as I can. Everyone tells me I'll get over it - the pain will go away - he was not the man for me -- this was a fantasy.

 

All I can say is that I forced myself to go out to the dating world & meet other men. But the truth is I am nowhere near ready. I still walk around like I am in a daze. You never know how deep the water runs. And I don't know when I will be able to "forget" what happened.

 

Yes, sinner, although I am not in a fetal position, but I have yet to walk tall and straight. Crippled for life, or just a temporary disability??

 

I am but another example of the horrid consequences these affairs take. Sometimes we don't realize how far down the hill the ball has to roll in order for it to stop.

[LoneStar49]

Ahhh...leilab, I wish you were here. I'd suggest we meet for a drink - although I'm really a coffee drinker. I would imagine we could talk for hours on end and it might even help.

 

I understand what you mean by "not being ready." During that 18 month period that we had no contact...well, let me explain that a bit. No contact, except for e-mails from him. For the longest time, there was not even a message in the e-mail. Just an e-mail. Sometimes 2, 3, 4, 5 a day. Later that changed to e-mails with short one-line messages. "Miss you." "Hello??? Anyone there????" "Good night.....maybe tomorrow?" "Please..........." "Good morning." These went on for the entire 18 months. They would come sporadically. Maybe a couple of weeks of messages, followed by 2-3 weeks of nothing. He'd also call my house when he knew I was not at home. No messages. I'd just see it on caller ID. Oh! And the faxes he'd send. One of the best - looking at it now..."SO!!! Are you going to make me call you so you will tell me to go to hell????????? Wow....was any of it real????? At least I know it was!!!!!" (Maybe I should fax that back to him tonight...)

 

Anyway, during those 18 months I never responded. But like you, I was not living. I was merely existing. Fortunately at that time, I had a job I really loved and was able to immerse myself in that to the tune of 12-14 hours a day - usually 6-7 days a week. In that way, I didn't have to think. About the only time I would think would be when I got home at night - usually after 10 PM, and walk my dogs. For that 20 minutes I would think. Then home, exhausted, in bed. Finally, last December when I finally talked to him, I commented on the fact that after 18 months, I quite literally had nothing to tell him. In almost all respects, my life was exactly as it had been when I had last seen him. I hadn't been anywhere, hadn't met anyone - male or female - hadn't even had any meaningful conversations with anyone. Literally - I did nothing more than exist. Take up space on earth. And I worked.

 

Unfortunately, I no longer have that job that I loved. In fact, I'm unemployed currently and interviewing Thursday. I dread that. My face is nothing but a picture of sadness, I know.

 

Forget? I doubt I'll ever forget.

 

I suppose I should congratulate you on your divorce - if that is the thing to do. Maybe not, but I do admire you for choosing to leave rather than stay with someone you don't care for. I could never do that. And that is something else that amazes me about these men that have affairs. I don't know...iI honestly believe that if I didn't love someone - physically and emotionally - there is no way I could go home night after night and crawl into bed next to that person. But that's just me. Either I like someone or I don't, and if I don't....I just can't fake it. And most certainly, I couldn't pretend to want to be with that person when I really wanted to be elsewhere. I'm rambling here and I know it, but I suppose others may understand what I'm trying to say.

 

Again...and maybe I'll be saying it on my death bed. This is so out of character for this man. In my gut...somewhere way down in there...I know it isn't over. Yet.

[ep]

LoneStar: How is everything going? Have you had any news on your man? I hope you are doing well and that everything works out.

[LoneStar49]

Thanks for asking, but no, not a single, solitary word have I heard. Nothing. Until the day I die, I'll never understand how someone could take almost 4 years and toss it aside as if it was nothing. I'm afraid this is a ghost that will be with me forever. I just posted in someone else's thread...if he knocked on my door right this minute with divorce papers in hand, I honestly don't know what I would do. The one thing that was always present in our relationship was trust. I didn't always like what he said, but I could always trust him to be upfront and honest. Always. Therefore, when he told me, finally, that he was leaving, I had no reason to doubt it. Then...within hours of that statement, he disappears. So now...knowing that he is capable of inflicting this sort of pain...what would I do?

 

I had given thought to driving over there and calling from a payphone or something - just to find out that he is OK and not dead or something, but I haven't done that. I haven't had the energy, for one thing, but the other thing is that on a gut level, I know he's OK. At first, I had thought maybe he was in an accident or something on the way over here, but that is unlikely. He would always call me on the cell phone as soon as he was leaving to let me know he was on the way. He didn't call; therefore, it has to be assumed he was never on the way. I've thought that maybe Mrs. XXX talked him into some sort of counseling (that he had always been opposed to but it would be like him to give it one last shot if for no other reason than to pacify her), but again...if he had merely e-mailed and told me that..."I owe this to her..." I would have accepted that and he knows it. I never begged, harassed, contacted him - any of those things. A few times in the past, we'd get into it and "end" it. Each and every time, I allowed him that choice. If anything, one of the things he didn't like about me was what he called my "stubborness." No, not stubborn. Just allowing him to do what he said he wanted to do. So, with that...why put me through this torture?

 

As for how I'm doing? To be perfectly frank, not very well. Sorry to say....

[ep]

Oh, I am so sorry. I thought maybe you would have some news on his whereabouts, but as time goes on, it seems that your own instincts are telling you what is going on. I still like your idea to drive closer and call from a payphone. It would be good just to know for sure that he is okay. You seem like a very sweet person and don't deserve to be hurt like this.

 

Maybe it was the easiest way for him, you know? He obviously had deep feelings for you and maybe couldn't bring himself to go back to you and tell you he had changed his mind yet again. He knew it would be over since you have always held to that. I don't know. I am sorry if this makes you feel worse. I do believe though that you will only start to heal if you hear from him and get some answers. You can then sort things out in your head and hopefully bring closure to such an important relationship in your life.

 

You will never forget him and that's okay. I have similar issues. Your heart will ache but time has a way of dulling the ache, you'll see. Hang in there.