1.5 Yr Relationship, BF Talking To Ex **Long Post**

[Almond_Joy]

Hi everyone,

 

A month or two ago I posted about my bf keeping in contact with his most recent ex-girlfriend. He's kept contact with her ever since they broke up, and he mentioned this when I asked about past relationships during our dating period.

 

I talked to him about it this weekend and told him that I don’t like it. I explained that I don’t feel it’s my place to tell him how to manage his relationships with other people, but that the presence of this woman in his life bothers me a lot. Since I last posted here I’ve seen him in contact with her a couple of times via text.

 

He said that the woman seems bipolar, that she’s mentally or emotionally unbalanced and is a bit of a drama queen. He says that typically she texts him to share drama or vent about something, and that he tries to say something conciliatory to her when this happens and leaves it at that. He says he does not initiate contact with her, and that he’s scared to ignore her because she was violent when they were together. He says he worries that because they both live in the same city and she knows where he lives that she will retaliate if he ignores her or stops communicating with her. He told me the worst thing she did when they were together is tear one of the windshield wipers off of his car in a fit of rage.

 

I was cheated on in the last long relationship before this one, which I found out well after the breakup. I had trust issues before that happened and finding out about the cheating just made it worse. In my experience, the only reason people keep in touch with exes is because the ex has something of value that the person wants. So I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something about her that makes him want to entertain her venting and drama sessions by continuing to communicate with her. I’ve tried to keep my suspicions at bay, because I know part of it is a projection of my fear of being cheated on, and maybe other people don’t view relationships with exes the way I do so there may be nothing going on.

 

But I’m having a really hard time believing that here. I see this woman as a threat because she’s obviously able to influence his behavior. By my standards, my bf does not set strong boundaries with people. He’s very accommodating and laid back and just lets things happen. Most of the time I look at that as a good thing, because it's helps me be a little more flexible in dealing with people. But I can also see how, because of this attitude, a meeting with this woman can turn into infidelity in the blink of an eye if he is still attracted to her. He says he isn’t but because he responds the same way to everything, I don’t know if he means that.

 

I guess I’m posting because I don’t know what to do here. Our relationship is good, stable. We just moved in together and I think that’s what put my suspicion about their relationship into overdrive. I can’t stand the thought of living with and loving someone who may be into other women. And this ongoing relationship bothers me so much that I’m ready to proactively try and kick this woman out of his life, regardless of how she chooses to retaliate, or possibly dial back my investment in this relationship. If she wants to fight or damage property, I’m willing to throw blows and get a restraining order if that’s what it takes to end it. That’s how defensive and wound up this relationship makes me. And I feel like this response on my part is disproportionate or extreme in comparison to the circumstances. I have no evidence that there’s been cheating, only this suspicion. I want to trust my bf that there’s nothing going on, but I can’t let go of this suspicion. It’s been about 5 months that this has been bothering me, and in the last two months which is when we’ve transitioned to living together is when the suspicion’s gotten really bad and made me defensive like this.

 

Has anyone been in this situation that can offer some perspective? Is it the fear of being cheated on again that’s driving me to this aggressively defensive state of mind? Will it go away? We’ve been together a year and a half already, I don’t know if I can or want to endure this uneasiness for another year or however long he chooses to placate her. These thoughts are becoming obsessive, I’ve lost a lot of enthusiasm for and sense of security in the relationship me and my bf have as a result of this. I told him that I’ve got trust issues and that this relationship with his ex is very hard for me to accept, but that I’m trying to trust and be reasonable and respectful of how he chooses to manage his relationships. He said he just doesn’t want a fight and that I have nothing to worry about .

 

What can I do here? I don’t think I’m within my rights to push him to end this relationship, but am I if it’s affecting me like this? If not, is there a way I can view this relationship that will make me less defensive and more understanding of his fear of her? I’ve never truly been scared of anyone the way he describes his fear of her, so I don’t understand how he would put up with talking to someone he doesn’t want to talk to if there’s nothing in it for him.

 

Anyway….sorry for the long post, I've just been thinking about this alot. If you got down here thanks for reading. Any insight’s appreciated.

[Els]

Personally it depends on what extent his communication is with her. I'm not sure you have much to worry about if it's just a couple texts a month in response to hers. Frankly, I generally find it rude to ignore messages, regardless who they are from, but that may be just me. On the other hand, if they were consistently meeting IRL, especially one on one, that would be a huge red flag to me.

 

Why do you feel that them having any sort of contact at all raises the risk of infidelity?

 

Also, how have the other issues in the R been going? Is this the only issue at the moment or is there more to your infidelity suspicions?

[Almond_Joy]

Hi Elswyth, thanks for your response.

 

Ideally, I wouldn't want him to just stop talking to her. I would like him to be honest with how he tells me he feels about her and acknowledge that it's really not ok to have someone in your life in any capacity that you're afraid of. At least I don't think it is.

 

I think that's what's triggering my anger - the idea that someone literally frightens my bf. But I realize I can't fight my man's battles lol. From everything he told me it just seems like the whole relationship was dysfunctional. To see him maintaining what, by all appearances, seems a dysfunctional relationship bothers me a lot. Who wants to talk to someone that tried to kill themselves around you, that damaged your property, that denied your relationship in front of friends and family and told them you were gay so that suspicions aren't raised about the relationship? These are the things he's told me she did to him yet he still panders to her venting.

 

Maybe my immediate association of talking to infidelity is a little far fetched. I know that being cheated on has made me a bit paranoid. I'm trying to deem what's reasonable.....I guess that's unreasonable, to figure if they're talking that he may be cheating. It's just that my bf can be so.....indifferent about things, so non-committal. I know that self-absorbed people can and do see non-committal or indifference as agreement or support.

 

For instance, she may be gossiping to him about a mutual acquaintance and say that person's a jerk. He may not feel that way about the person but if this woman asks if he thinks that person's a jerk he'll say sure. Sure is not yes, it's like him saying whatever......but if she's as warped as he says she'll read that as yes. It took me a while to figure out that he'll say phrases like that just so he doesn't have to take a position in a conversation, but that's the kind of middle of the road lingo that can be interpreted in more than one way. So he thinks he's creating distance with this woman when he simply panders to her venting, but I think she's reading it as something else. If she's as crazy as he says I would think she would see this meagre pandering as validation that they have a "special connection" and try to talk him into starting something up again. He said the beginning of their relationship was great, amazing even I think he said. Coming from someone who's typically cynical or ambivalent that was kind of a flag for me. I realize as I type this it's pretty warped thinking on my part.

 

Now I'm thinking I need counseling over being cheated on. I'm fabricating an entire story from my own assumptions about people and a few innocuous statements and activities. I feel like a jackass for doubting him. Sorry to have gone off rambling, but that's why I posted. It's easier for me to see how messed up my thinking is when I'm trying to explain it to somebody.

 

The last relationship issue I posted about hasn't changed at all. With us moving and my new job, and school, I just haven't had the energy to talk about it or really try anything. I did repeat that I need more day to day physical affection in our talk this weekend. It's only been a couple of days and there's been no change in that regard, but he usually gets a little more responsive after I tell him there's a problem, so I'm looking for some initiative there in the coming weeks. I thought I'd accepted his general indifference....but that may have fueled my suspicions. In the absence of validation I started assuming the worst. His lack of enthusiasm for nearly everything just makes me so unsure.

 

I don't have this fear that he's cheating as strongly as I did before, but I still don't like this woman talking to him. From what he told me she was absolutely horrid to him for a big chunk of the relationship and she's still using him for emotional support and validation. He's friends with his other exes on Facebook and I'm sure he interacts with them all the time. I have no problems with them. Only this woman.

Edited April 2, 2013 by Almond_Joy

[Els]

I think that dealing with such threats is much easier said than done - especially the killing herself threat. It must be awful to be in his position. While I would advise NC in such a situation too, I think it's fairly understandable and not necessarily an indication of cheating that someone might maintain minimal contact out of fear of such a threat. If it's genuinely a couple of texts a month, I don't think he's maintaining the relationship so much as doing the bare minimum so he won't feel guilty if she actually carries out her threats.

 

That being said, in combination with his lack of physical affection (which is the bigger issue IMO), I'm not surprised that you are worried about infidelity. The only advice I can offer is that you work on the other issue, and when that is resolved you may find that your fears may abate with regards to this one.

 

I personally don't think that any man worth his salt is going to cheat on you with a crazy, violent woman. And if he isn't worth his salt, well, he isn't worth YOU.

[Almond_Joy]

I think that dealing with such threats is much easier said than done - especially the killing herself threat. It must be awful to be in his position. While I would advise NC in such a situation too, I think it's fairly understandable and not necessarily an indication of cheating that someone might maintain minimal contact out of fear of such a threat. If it's genuinely a couple of texts a month, I don't think he's maintaining the relationship so much as doing the bare minimum so he won't feel guilty if she actually carries out her threats.

 

That being said, in combination with his lack of physical affection (which is the bigger issue IMO), I'm not surprised that you are worried about infidelity. The only advice I can offer is that you work on the other issue, and when that is resolved you may find that your fears may abate with regards to this one.

 

I personally don't think that any man worth his salt is going to cheat on you with a crazy, violent woman. And if he isn't worth his salt, well, he isn't worth YOU.

 

Oh my god. I never even thought of how worried he may be about her suicidal tendencies. I know he doesn't wish her any harm, and he certainly wouldn't want her to kill herself even if they're not together. He probably is very scared of what she will do without the validation. I understand that, I am too. That makes total sense.

 

Thank you so much for pointing that out, all this time and I never thought about that.