Boy, what a mad relationship ive just had!

[bananas]

Ive just split up with my girlfriend of five months, and just wanted maybe some feedback to see what I can do to make the next relationship better than this.

 

Ok, so i met Jo on a friends stag party...She was working at a table dancing club as, yes, one of the dancers.

 

We hit it off, and had a lot in common, so she took my number, and 2 weeks later she called (shes 21, im 29)

 

After a week of messaging and talking, she decided to visit me to stay for 2 days, but that turned in to her moving in..All was good!

 

The sex was great, shes fun and intelligent, so everything was great.

 

But then we found out things about each other..she has a rare medical syndrome that means she uses a lot of drugs (morphine included) because of her pain and discomfort, and her work hours means she sometimes uses cocaine etc to help her through the night..

 

Then she would occaisonally go out after work with the other girlfriends to party all night..again, needing chemical help to get on.

 

SHe had issues with her father, had been in therapy for years to deal with him, her illness etc, which means she is also on Prozac also.

 

Then theres the buliema..she covered it well intially, but I saw the evidence a few times..

 

Also she has a self confessed self image problem..although she strips and has a great figure, she ALWAYS has to be made up, and wearing tight clothing..Loose, relaxing clothing makes her feel fat..

 

Despite all that, she has many friends, is very well liked and is charming, easy to talk to, funny, intelligent.

 

Now, the first 6 weeks were magical, we talked about marriage, couldnt stop fawning over each other, but then it changed..

 

She told me that she wasnt in contact with her ex, but evidence told me she was lying..

 

In fact, this mistrust grew to me checking which numbers she had called on her mobile phone when she wasnt with me..

 

Her ex's were always there on a daily basis.

 

I confronted her about one call, she told me that its a big house, his recording studio is there, and she has other friends there, it was another friend she as talking to.

 

I just didnt know what to believe.

 

She would lie about small things..her finances, other small things that I KNEW were lies..

 

So this led me to be withdrawn, thinking 'why is she lying to me?'.

 

My point is, I knew she loved me, didnt REALLY mind her talking/seeing her ex, but the lies just killed me.

 

This was the beggining of the end!

 

Question is, why would someone who loves me so much, lie to me on a daily basis?

 

I remember I told her when we first got serious, was that above all else, I wanted honesty in a relationship.

 

But she couldnt do that..that hurt more than anything.

 

Then she became withdrawn because I was..oh dear!

 

After this I started to exhibit the usual 'over giving'..always calling her, always wanting to be with her, etc because although we had problems, shes a good companion, always gave me hugs, made me laugh..

 

Ive been guilty of this before in relationships, and am only now realising that its a bad thing to be needy..

 

Soo, sex WAS great, we have a lot in common and do have fun in each other company, but I couldnt deal with the constant unknowing..the constant thought that she was lying to me...

 

I could always trust her that I was the only guy in life..I can be paranoid, but knew that she wouldnt be seeing someone else..

 

But then this weekend she finished it, and although I didnt want to, I feel relieved. I dont want to have to deal with the stress of this relationship any longer..

 

She told me that when I got withdrawn and we had our problems, she just 'turned off'. This seems a little bit strange..every relationship has problems, so to just switch off seems a bit unrealistic.

 

So, although i have issues im due to see a therapist next week about (family things, personal things) I know I have to srt out the needy, 'giving too much' thing, but really, am I to blame for this break up?

 

I really think I picked a wonderful girl that was unfortunate to have physical and mental baggage that she couldnt deal with.

 

Im trying to be philisophical about this, but yet again, thats another relationship down the pan..

 

Although we went out for only 5 months, her last two relationships lasted for 2 years apiece...Why could I only manage 5 months!???

 

She says she wants to be very good friends, and started to cry when I said I would love to be friends...Is this a good idea? We have so much in common, so much to share, but just not in a romantic setting...Should I be very good friends with her? (I think so..id hate to lose her totally)

 

Anyway, thanks for reading, its good and cleansing to share this.

[Tony T]

FIRST YOU ASK: "Although we went out for only 5 months, her last two relationships lasted for 2 years apiece...Why could I only manage 5 months!???"

 

More than likely, the other two guys she dated were closer to her age and much closer to being as screwed up as she is. They were probably too drugged up to realize she was such a liar.

 

THEN YOU ASK: "She says she wants to be very good friends, and started to cry when I said I would love to be friends...Is this a good idea?"

 

I don't see how you can be friends now, maybe later but probably not with such a liar. This girl has got very serious problems and issues she needs to work out. The longer you were around her the more you saw that.

 

You seem to be far more mature and have your act together much more. Your only problem is picking females who are still growing up and have problems to deal with.

 

Find yourself a lady who is just a bit older than this one, who is level headed, who has some class, and go for it. You cannot be good friends with a girl who you can't believe a word she says. There is just no basis of trust on which to build any kind of friendship or relationship.

 

Forget her!!!

[Bananas]

Tony..

 

First of all let me just thankyou for your quick reply..the work you do on this board is just wonderful!!

 

I agree with what youre saying totally...her last bf was younger than her (dont know about the previous), so yes, although i do have my own issues, I know im more together than she is.

 

Maybe I was wrong wanting to be friends..I figured that I can enjoy the things we have in common, but without the emotional stress..maybe Im wrong with that...it IS a shame though, as underneath her problems, shes a great girl (although its hard to get down there!)

 

I gave 200% in the relationship to try to understand her and help her, and really didnt get anything back as her partner, but hopefully at some point I can be there as her friend...I hate to see her go through all these problems...I just wanna help!

 

I think thats another area that I feel hurt in...I gave so much to 'do the right thing' but didnt seem to get rewarded in any way.. *sigh* whats a guy like me to do!!?

 

Yep..I think the next girlie needs to be more mature.

 

Once again Tony, thanks for your wise words.

 

FIRST YOU ASK: "Although we went out for only 5 months, her last two relationships lasted for 2 years apiece...Why could I only manage 5 months!???" More than likely, the other two guys she dated were closer to her age and much closer to being as screwed up as she is. They were probably too drugged up to realize she was such a liar.

 

THEN YOU ASK: "She says she wants to be very good friends, and started to cry when I said I would love to be friends...Is this a good idea?" I don't see how you can be friends now, maybe later but probably not with such a liar. This girl has got very serious problems and issues she needs to work out. The longer you were around her the more you saw that. You seem to be far more mature and have your act together much more. Your only problem is picking females who are still growing up and have problems to deal with. Find yourself a lady who is just a bit older than this one, who is level headed, who has some class, and go for it. You cannot be good friends with a girl who you can't believe a word she says. There is just no basis of trust on which to build any kind of friendship or relationship. Forget her!!!

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "it IS a shame though, as underneath her problems, shes a great girl."

 

Yeah, and underneath every bomb that kills hundreds, underneath every plane that crashes, underneath every tornado and hurricane, underneath every auto accident, etc.,...there is a great planet called earth.

 

There are many great people underneath their problems, but until they clean up their act, they don't quality for Citizen of the Year.

 

Also, it would still be very difficult for your to just be friends with someone who you still have feelings for, who does not share your moral views, and someone who will likely soon become involved with a new victim, uh...I mean, guy.

[Deejette]

Also, think about where you met her. People who enter the life of table-dancing, lap dancing, stripping, often come from childhoods of sexual abuse. They use drugs to deal with their memories and problems, not the least of which is strutting their stuff in front of strangers and acting like they love being hooted at and salivated over by drunken, crude guys who separate sex from love.

 

Girls of this nature have learned to use men to get things out of them, without ever really giving their hearts to them. But just as they act like nymphos on the table-top, it is really all an act.

 

She moved in with you quickly because you could give her stuff she wanted and you were a safe port in the storm. But she was going behind your back to her ex, who was probably broke because he uses drugs too.

 

She has lots of problems and your being her doormat is not going to help her in the least. It will enable her to persist in her addictions. She will think that no matter how much she abuses the situation, you will always be there for her. But she won't respect you for this and will dump you at the next opportunity, after you have invested more time and money into her.

 

You sound like you have a lot of love to give. Some lucky woman who really deserves it is out there waiting for you.

YOU WRITE: "it IS a shame though, as underneath her problems, shes a great girl."

 

Yeah, and underneath every bomb that kills hundreds, underneath every plane that crashes, underneath every tornado and hurricane, underneath every auto accident, etc.,...there is a great planet called earth. There are many great people underneath their problems, but until they clean up their act, they don't quality for Citizen of the Year. Also, it would still be very difficult for your to just be friends with someone who you still have feelings for, who does not share your moral views, and someone who will likely soon become involved with a new victim, uh...I mean, guy.

 

[Bananas]

Tony, Deejette,

 

thanks for your kind, wise words..Ive been thinking a lot about the situation for the last couple of days, and have been working at home also, which has helped me focus..

 

There was a couple of other things that I didnt put in my original post, and they just re-affirm that im really better off without her..

 

Firstly, she had just broken up with her ex 'moments' (in her words) before we met, so obviously she still had that on her mind.

 

Secondly, im not sure if its very relevant, but she's bi-sexual too, and had a one night fling with one of the other girls at the club one night..she thought Id like it, and however much the fantasy was great, the reality was a nightmare..

 

So yes, I have a lot of love to give, but I think ive tried too hard with this one, and clearly its not the one!

 

Now...lets find someone a little more, er, 'sensible'!

 

Rob

[Deejette]

Good for you, Bananas! Stay strong and you will find a wonderful girl who will appreciate you. The love will be mutual and not so one-way, with you doing all of the giving.

 

By the way, bisexuality and lesbianism is high in the stripper/lapdance/tabletop world (I once had a factory job and worked alongside of a group of beautiful "exotic dancers" who all preferred women over men, probably because of the crudeness and abuse that influenced them go into exposing themselves in front of strangers for money).

 

It was just ironic, because here were all these very hyper-sexy-looking women who really weren't even sxsually interested in men, except for the money and gifts they could get out of them.

Tony, Deejette, thanks for your kind, wise words..Ive been thinking a lot about the situation for the last couple of days, and have been working at home also, which has helped me focus.. There was a couple of other things that I didnt put in my original post, and they just re-affirm that im really better off without her.. Firstly, she had just broken up with her ex 'moments' (in her words) before we met, so obviously she still had that on her mind. Secondly, im not sure if its very relevant, but she's bi-sexual too, and had a one night fling with one of the other girls at the club one night..she thought Id like it, and however much the fantasy was great, the reality was a nightmare.. So yes, I have a lot of love to give, but I think ive tried too hard with this one, and clearly its not the one! Now...lets find someone a little more, er, 'sensible'! Rob