Forgiven but not forgotten abuse

[Wordguy]

I broke upwith my girlfriend 3 months ago after I pushed her. It was our first fight and we were both drunk when it happened. She left me a week later. Recently we started speaking again and she said she forgave me but could never forget what happened and so we can never get back together. I've done allot to change myself since the abuse took place including ongoing counselling, regular excercising and meditation/ yoga.

 

My girlfriend acknowledged that I've done allot since this happened but that there was nothing else I could do. I' still have feelings for this woman and have felt so much remorse for what happened and would do anything to make amends and ensure this would never happen again. I know abusers always say "it will never happen again" so I'm really trying to fix myself and mean it.

 

My question for anyone who's been abused is: What does it mean to forgive someone but not forget? If we were in love, is forgiveness enough for us to try again?

[mighty bop]

I have never been abused, but it's quite simple to understand what that means. She can forgive you for doing something like that but she will never forget it. How can she? She probably envisioned you doing something worse down the line somewhere and didn't even wanna go there. She is too smart.

 

Being in love like that, it seems like it should be easy to forgive and try again, but she might not want to risk being physically hurt by you, no matter what you try and do about it. I wouldn't expect my girlfriend to want to try again if I did that.

 

Chris

[Max Zoom]

Whoa, hold on here, pushing someone is not abuse. geez. This culture has gone nuts. Pushing someone may be wrong depending on the circumstances but it is not abuse.

 

 

 

[mighty bop]

I guess that's true, depending on what kind of push it was. People can push pretty hard. But I'm sure this girl began picturing what might happen in the future, some "real" abuse. Which scared her.

 

Chris

[Wordguy]

She said that she couldn't take the chance that it would happen again and be worse, so you're probably right that I scared her off. It's too bad because I really loved the girl so much. I'm a better person now having gone through this however. I'm still puzzled though how you can say you forgive someone (I witnessed my sister being abused by my mother was verbally abused as a child and was in abusive relationship for 8 years with a biploar woman-she knew this) and not give them a second chance?

 

I keep thinking that if you say you love someone and want to marry them then you should accept one fault and work with your partner on resolving the problem together so it doesn't repeat itself. Or is a push (no matter the minimal extent of abuse that it is) a good enough reason to never come back?

 

The push was hard enough to make her stumble back. She didn't fall down. For what it worth, I tried to temper my response, but it is abuse I know. All I can do now is move on and find someone else now and use the wisdom gained from this sad experience to ensure it never happens again.

[mighty bop]

You would think people would be like that and work out whatever faults their partners might have, but when it comes to violence (no matter how small) people will not tolerate it.

 

Chris

[Mr Spock]

It wasn't "abuse" it was "assault".

 

I seem to remember a similar thread on this, perhaps it was yours.

 

What can you do now? Live, and learn. Move on to someone new, and keep up the counselling stuff if it's working for you.

[FolderWife]

OMG, to forgive, but not forget. It means that I still love him, I still want to be with him.....but at unexpected times the HORROR that I felt when he attacked me rears it's ugly head, and I can't stand to be anywhere near him, and I hate him in that few minutes that I'm remembering what happened.

 

She is right to stay away from you, because the memory of what you did to her will haunt her for the rest of her life. When you are cuddling on the couch watching a movie after dinner in ten years, it'll just hit her like a ton of bricks that one time you shoved her, and suddenly she'll want to get as far away from you as possible.

 

My husban shoved me once. It was really over nothing. You don't know how frightened and powerless I felt. I'll see something on TV, and it'll trigger the memory. It SUX to be terrified of the man you love.

 

Oh yeah. I forgave him, and I accept that he didn't mean to do it....but I'll never be able to forget.

[FolderWife]

And yes, I expected it to get better, but at times, it's a lot worse. Nothing physical towards me, but he's averaging breaking at least 3 things a week. I don't even keep nick nacks any more, because he'll break them

[Amethyst]

There's a difference between forgiving someone and being a doormat -- that's where forgiveness without forgetfulness comes in. If you 'forgave and forgot' each time someone hurt you, it would be an endless cycle...get hurt, forgive, forget, get hurt, forgive, forget, etc.. When someone really hurts and scares you, you have to draw the line.

 

No one except you can know if you will truly hurt her again. (As you said, saying 'sorry, it will never happen again' is a trademark of abusive behavior.) Maybe you truly mean it, but she's not willing to take that chance. Your ex has found it in her heart to forgive you in that she won't harbor ill-feelings toward you. However, she's still scared and she's wise enough to realize that it could easily happen again. Only, next time it could be much worse. It isn't a risk she's willing to take.

 

I agree with the others who've told you to move on. Your ex has told you (several times, evidently) that she isn't willing to get back with you, so you need to accept that. You may still love her, but she doesn't love you enough to risk being hurt again.

[plushious]

omgoshhh this girl is totally just useing that as an excuse.... pushing someone when your are drunk? its not like you slaped her or anything geez...tell her to stop being a panzy ass

[Amethyst]

Those of you who are replying with the thought that this isn't physical abuse need to check out some websites on the subject.

 

Here are some signs that may signal the onset of physical abuse in an intimate relationship...

 

ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, and pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold the woman against the wall and say, "you're going to listen to me!"

 

-- Taken from http://www.bloomington.in.us/~mwhouse/physicalabuse.htm

 

Physical abuse is anything that physically hurts another person. Some people consider physical violence as a combination of hits, punches, or kicks put together to hurt someone else. Other people believe that physical violence is using a weapon against someone else to hurt them. Yet other people have come to believe physical violence is merely a slap on the cheek from their parents, but whatever message you have come to believe about physical violence, no matter what you think it is, it's wrong, and there can never be something right about physically hurting someone else.

 

Physical abuse can be any of the following:

 

biting

hitting

punching

slapping

kicking

pushing

choking

strangling

throwing things

spitting on someone

tying them up

holding them down

burning them

using a weapon to hurt someone

 

-- Taken from http://207.28.11.252/projects/ind_study/ac8ind/domesticviolence/physicalabuse/physicalabuse.html

 

Spousal abuse takes many forms:

 

 

Physical abuse — pushing, shaking, grabbing, biting, slapping, punching, kicking, choking, stabbing.

 

-- Taken from http://www.rosenet-ca.org/rose/define.htm

 

There are lots of other sources out there, but you get the idea...touching someone in a hurtful way, no matter how that touch is presented is ABUSE.

[Wordguy]

It's been very hard for me to let go of her since it happened. Since we talked and she told me I was forgiven it felt better. I'm slowly starting to 'say goodbye' to her. I cry allot though and feel depressed most of the time and I guess this is me getting ready to let her go completely. I'm doing allot to try and deal with my issues though. I see a counsellor once a week, get reiki therapy and massage therapy to relieve the grief in my body. And I do excercise regularly and meditate. I did none of this before I pushed her so in that respect I am a better person.

 

I guess the hard part for me in letting go of her is that I have done so much to change myself because I loved her and realized the huge mistake I made. I ADORED this woman. She was everything I could have ever wanted in a partner. She acknowledged that I was doing allot but that there is nothing else I could do to change her mind and I had to accept that it was completely over and move on. I don't want to harass her so I am doing that now.

 

My main issue throughout the whole ordeal has been control. From the night I pushed her to the breakup I have tried to control things that I couldn't. My counsellor is helping me to recognize how it is manifesting itself and I have become aware of it.

 

I was holding out hope for a while that she would come back and give me a chance since I have done so much but she doesn't want to be with me because she doesn't know if it will happen again. Dealing with issues like mine can take years to overcome and she knows this. She deserves better than me.

 

I blew it big time and deserve everything that's happened to me. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive or forget either what I did to ruin our lives. It's been over 3 months and I still am in deep regret and remorse over losing her because of it.

 

Hopefully, there is someone else as special out there for me and I will be given achance at redemption and to ensure I never lay a hand on a woman again no matter what.

[emra]

Originally posted by plushious

omgoshhh this girl is totally just useing that as an excuse.... pushing someone when your are drunk? its not like you slaped her or anything geez...tell her to stop being a panzy ass

 

 

Panzy Ass.....

I am sorry, but a push is a push, it can lead, to god only knows what done the road.

That is where it started with my ex. We were drunk he shoved me, the next time it was worse and only got worse. She is looking out for herself. She has every right to do so. If you have never been in a abusive relationship, how can you call someone a panzy ass. I was almost killed, so were my children.

I am a stronger person for what I have been thru and I worked my ass off to be where I am now.

Wordguy, I am proud of you for getting help and knowing that it was wrong and that you wanted to change something about you. That is a very hard thing to have to admit and to change. No matter what it is.

For a women, it is hard to see it won't happen again, until she can learn to trust you. Be friends. When there is alcohol involved, maybe she fears it will happen again.

Let her feel the situation out. You never know, maybe, if indeed you have changed she will see this. She has to be able to TRUST you and feel that it won't happen again.

[Wordguy]

Thanks emra. I'll try and be her friend for the next few months and continue on with my therapy etc and get my life together again. If she recognizes me as being changed then maybe we would have a chance. Right now, I think you're right that she doesn't trust me and still fears me on some level. She is also in counselling right now so maybe she will be able to overcome this. But I can't live my life hoping she will come back. I guess time is all I have right now.

 

 

A question for any victims of (hopefully) 'one-time' partner abuse: What was it that made you feel that you could trust him to not do it again? Did he do anything (go to counselling, etc.).Any suggestions would be appreciated as I am willing to do anything to change and show her I've changed.

[Wordguy]

Originally posted by Wordguy

 

 

A question for any victims of (hopefully) 'one-time' partner abuse: What was it that made you feel that you could trust him to not do it again? Did he do anything (go to counselling, etc.).Any suggestions would be appreciated as I am willing to do anything to change and show her I've changed.

 

Anyone have any ideas on other things I could do to get my ex to trust me again after pushing her?

 

(see above quote)

[Amethyst]

You can't "get" her to trust you. The best thing to do is not to push her. (I mean that figuratively...although, of course, you shouldn't do it physically, either.) Give her space; but, more importantly, give her *time*.

 

It seems like you want a quick solution; something that will get the two of you back together within a few weeks. That's not going to happen. You said so yourself:

 

I was holding out hope for a while that she would come back and give me a chance since I have done so much but she doesn't want to be with me because she doesn't know if it will happen again. Dealing with issues like mine can take years to overcome and she knows this.

 

Once trust is broken, it takes a long time to gain it back; nothing you can say will change that; nor, will anything you do.

 

You are doing your part by going to counselling, etc.. Now, you just need to be patient. The only way she is going to see you won't hurt her again is for a lot of time to pass *without* your hurting her. You can tell her until you're blue in the face -- you can go to counseling, etc. -- NONE of it will convince her you've changed. You have to SHOW her you have changed by respecting her and NOT hurting her.

 

I really think that you need to take the *rest* of our advice, though -- move on. You've said that, although it's hard, you're working on telling her goodbye. That's exactly what you need to do -- let go of her. Some may think you only made a small infraction; but, to others (including your gf), it was a MAJOR problem. She's not going to forget it; and, the sooner you face that, the better.

[Wordguy]

After having NC for a month and a half I decided to call her to get her new address to send her some money from our mortgage downpayment that I owed her. We spoke briefly, only about 5 minutes. Enought to get some small talk in and me to get the address. She said, "i sounded good" and that her life was calming down now that we have had some time apart. She told me that I had scared her. I told her it wasn't easy not speaking with her but I wanted to give her space and time to think about everything. Anyways, I wrote her this letter and sent the cheque along with it. It's my 'goodbye' letter. Let me know what you think:

 

Dear ***,

 

I'd like to continue to pay for the line of credit and hopefully ease the financial burden you've had to endure as a result of my stupidity. I'm sorry you had to go through this because you were an amazing girlfriend to me. Your next one is an extrememly lucky man.

I wish I could have just shut off my feelings after June 12th, but I truly loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I never felt this way about someone before. Being abandoned by you hurt me more than I realized and is probably the reason I acted the way I did at work etc... I would have done anythingelse to make things right and heal both of us. I don't know what else I could do though, so I'm slowly starting to say goodbye to you. Thanks for an amazing relationship, the past 3 months notwithstanding. I kept wishing you would have more faith in me and how much I loved you. We could have moved on much stronger asa couple after this. I know it's too late but I am sorry I never took my baggage as seriously as I should have and this might not have happened. I thought since were so in love and planning on marriage we could overcome this and that's probably why I 'harassed' you the way I did.

Part of me is still in love withyou, but I know you were scared and hating me, so I have backed off finally. I know your past played a role in your reaction, so I understand why you felt like you did. I hope in time we can become friends again. We do actually have allot in common and share a certain perspective on things that is rare.

There have been so many changes since that night that it's been hard to comprehend. My counsellor thinks we will both look back on this experience as 'transformative' I think she's right. It's been a test for us to fully realize ourselves in some ways. So that much is good.

I hope your life is settling down now and you get settled into your own place finally. I know I put you through hell. I'm so sorry. It wasn't my intention to make you suffer this way. I wasn't seeing the impact my actions on June 12th (and consequent pursuit to reconcile) had on you.

Sorry it took so long for me to come thought on my promise to pay you back for this. I had to wait until I landed a new gig and moved before spending the money. I lost your parent's address during the move . I'll send another cheque next month too until the line of credit is paid off.

 

I'm sure this money will be helpful to you. Maybe you can put it towards a new place or a car payment? None of this would have happened if I didn't act so possessive and push you that night, so I will always be responsible for any hardship you've encountered as a result. If you need anymore help, whether it be financial or otherwise, I'm here for you.

 

Sincerely,

 

****

[nellyuk]

I'd just like to say that I've been in an abusive relationship, no punching, or hitting but things have been thrown (and hit) spitting and pushing.

 

We have been in counselling for six months and he's also using the gym to work out anger as well as anger management course.

 

I'm still frightened and jumpy although I've tried to forgive i'll never forget, I forgave the first push and it lead to worse. I think your ex is sensible to back away, more so because it was your first fight and she hasn't seen you handle a disagreement any other way, and although I really do feel sorry for you because I think you aren't a violent person (or you don't sound like it!) (lets face it if you saw it as that normal or nothing much to worry about, you wouldn't be writing on here), I think that maybe, if you really are trying, giving her enough time and friendship, and she sees that you're not going to shove her around every time you fight or argue. I think she'll come back.

 

You sound like a nice guy, I've met my fair share of bad ones,

I wish you the best of luck, but remember if she gives you a chance and you mess up again, she's gone.

[Wordguy]

Thanks Nellyuk for your encouragement. I tried to get her into counselling but she refused. I went for myself and she is also in counselling herself. I go the gym everyday and continue to run and meditate. She knows all this. I sent her that letter above and never heard from her though. Although I know she received it because she cashed the cheque I sent with it. I have a feeling we may become friends in time because we have allot in common and work close to one another. I think there's allot of baggage on both our sides that needed to be addressed first before we could re-establish contact.

 

I am a good person, but I had 'control' issues that had to be dealt with. I pushed my last partner too and she knew this so she thinks it could happen again. She has been in one dsifunctional relationship after another and it's effected her. These contributed to her reaction, I think.I've shown her that I'm serious about fixing myself. I never went into counselling for my last partner. I never loved anyone as much as I loved this woman though. All I can do now is give her some money every month and write her explaining how I feel in these letters and hope she comes around. I know she thinks that it will happen again and be worse the next time (the classic abuser line being 'it will never happen again'). She's also been getting pressure from her friends and family to stay away from me.

 

I think the chances of her coming back are small though. But if she did give me a second chance I would be the happiest man on the planet and do everything possible to make it last forever.

 

I scared her and am trying to just give her some space to cool down and not pressure her. In time, if she feels ready I may hear from her again. I told her that even if I didn't hear from her for 10 years and she came back to me, I would take her back. That's how I felt about this woman.

[Amethyst]

Originally posted by Wordguy

I pushed my last partner too and she knew this so she thinks it could happen again.

 

OUCH! You never mentioned this before (unless I missed something somewhere). Then, she has *definite* reason to mistrust you. Once is bad enough, but twice is a real problem.

 

I'm glad you're getting help, but I think you need to write this girl off. You see, to her, this isn't a one time thing -- it's become a pattern. She took a chance on you in the beginning, and that chance got her hurt. I'm pretty sure she won't be back.

 

Your best chance is to make a fresh start with someone new. (Yeah, I know you love her, but you *will* get over her -- it just takes time.)

[lostgirl26]

This has happened twice in my relationship with my husband. We usually only get physical when alcohol is involved. I don't drink much at all, he drinks occasionaly but the inhibitions go away and the liquid courage comes out. All the things I have wanted to say or bring up to him just spill out. I don't know if I call it abuse but I can simpathize with how she feels. Unfortunetly sometimes I am the one who might lash out first, so if the cops were to ever get called I would be the one going to jail. These types of fights scare the sh-t out of me because I often think one of these days that he is going to snap and just beat the bejesus out of me, its the look in his eyes, they change color and go dark and distant. You would think that would be one more reason for me to leave.