Isolated and extremely stuck (very long post, sorry)

[videlicet]

Dating sites are against my principles, anyway. But since my situation is very isolated, I am getting extremely desperate. There is no perspective in a life like this. I may sound pessimistic but it's rather that my emotional and social history is extremely charged (too much to tell); I have just gone through a lot... and I have difficulty to integrate in a society that is so hasty.

 

I'm Dutch, 19, not going to college or university, living at parental home (neither study fee nor own income), haven't found a part-time job yet (times aren't easy), no relationship and only one actual friend who is now abroad. Yes, it's all very hopeless and unsustainable... I'm doing as much as possible to improve my life quality. It's a strict necessity to undertake action; now nothing ever happens in my life, and I'm still young!

(Just in case to know: I have a 16 year-old-sister with boyfriend, he's from our neighbour country and lives a couple of hours away. I myself have 10 guinea pigs as pets.)

There is a very clear reason why I don't / can't go to university; this has to do with my past in high school (I was very timid and nobody got along with me). Also, I had a lot of psychological problems then (anxiety, hard feelings, low self-esteem, depressive episodes). They are now resolved, but in nature I'm still a HSP and tend a bit to neuroticism. As for personality in terms of biopsychology, for those who are interested, I'm mostly BIS: Gray's biopsychological theory of personality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

I'm self-studying from home now and I focus on biology and neurology, should actually do more maths I think. I also have plans to work on more languages, e.g. French. Frankly, I don't dare to estimate what kind of job I'd have in the future. So many things have gone wrong related to education, that I don't dare to look far in the future.

 

I was thinking. But then concluded, ugh, dating sites are so impersonal, especially the ones that give you an option to tick someone as 'hot' (or not). That makes me sad; we're not in front of a store display with items... Dating sites are far too direct, impersonal and artificial. I have no affinity with the 'hotness culture' at all. It's too superficial. What I would value in a relationship, is the intellectual side and compassion, emotional understanding and solidarity, trust, honesty, openness... A soulmate. And it should be relaxed and not forced. Of course there also needs to be a 'spark' (chemistry). But beside, it is the personal bond and affection that I value a lot. I'm a very deep feeler, so I can get very intense.

 

There is also the point that I feel really different from most other people (especially of the same age). I know there are certainly similar people like me, but it's too hard to stumble upon in real. My study is only possible from home, so I don't meet new people. My family is supporting me and they're very kind and understanding. I've already gotten tips to follow a course / lessons e.g. sports, music, art, languages, hobbies, or to join a society or club. So far, I have joined a yoga course and I really like that! One lesson has passed since then, and the other attendants are all like 24, 28, 35, 40, 49, so quite a bit older. That doesn't matter and they're all very energetic and nice. But now I need something 'more' for friends... and thus a relationship.

 

For example, thingies that make me distinct:

* sensitive and serious personality (calm type, not into partying or drinking and would enjoy nature much rather than clubs and parties; not even experience there)

* art is almost a lifestyle for me; I like to draw, paint and photograph, as well as writing about matter

* interested in designing stuff, and style--affinity with home interior, furniture and vintage things

* great passion for (healthy) cooking and I eat very mindfully (like lower in carbs, preferably organic, whole, non-processed ingredients)

* heart for animals, nature and environment

* lover of non-mainstream music (from classical to jazz to indie rock and electronic)

* like to read (from science to novel)

* like to converse about profound / philosophical matter and have many interests, ranging from biology, genetics, geology, cosmology, languages, neurology to anthropology

 

I also like drinking coffee, dining out, city trips, travelling to foreign countries, hiking, playing games...

 

This is just to give some better illustration. The point is that most guys are probably too different in lifestyle and aren't as conscientious as me; they are more loose and wild in this stage of their life. I don't want to be negative; I'm just different. My soul seems to be kind of 'old'. Monogamy has a very high value for me. I'm also kind of worried about my (high in fresh veggies and fruits) diet, since most people / guys with a regular pattern will find me too meticulous about my idealism. But then I'm just talking about the mainstream...

 

I have also figured out that I probably don't want to stay in the Netherlands. I would ideally adhere a more primal lifestyle. Don't want to give up on electronics fully, and will keep using the internet. But more in terms like: upgrading an old shack to a beautiful / ecological house at some green and rural location, not too cold; self-providing food, running an own business, enjoying what real life offers without the stress of the western society routine... But I could and would never do such alone. I'm just horrified by a future alone. Also note: this is an ideal plan, but of course it's as well important to think over in what sense it is feasible and realistic.

This is in fact what 'escaping the rabblement' is about. More on: Disrupting the Rabblement - Niall Doherty wages war on thoughtless living.

 

Do I have relationship experience? Not actually. I will tell you about something very unexpected and typical that happened. Via my sister, I came in contact with a boy of the same age of me, on MSN. First I thought we were exactly the same types, and he was also very lonely. He lived elsewhere in Europe but for him it wasn't his native country. Since I don't want to infringe his privacy, I don't post the exact country. At least, native English, and then it's already easy to guess. After several months we had met and I still thought we were similar. I decided to move to his place and we had an asexual non-naked relationship with only some kiss (now I really regret that I kissed). He had a pervasive development disorder and more oddities. For example, he really didn't want to see me naked. He interpreted things really differently and sadly his image of reality / reasoning was distorted, with much info of indoctrinated source. No ego, no filter or own intuition and very poor body hygiene, rarely showered, didn't clean up... I then realised I had never actually been in love with him: I was even highly shocked. The image I had was completely different. I moved back to the Netherlands (December 2012) after three months had passed, there was no hope for an actual relationship. This boy was actually very sad and pathological. Via internet, he was really different because I later concluded he was performing 'roles' there. He probably didn't even intend to lie, it is rather role copying like in autism when one has no sensor. Although autism is a difficult subject.

He has now become so eccentric that he just must stay single forever. It's really sad, but a person like him is not suitable for a relationship. He will never be on the same line with a person / girl, and he is also asexual and abhors sex. I don't say these things fast, but about him I'm convinced. My parents say the same and my mom is psychologist. The guy is far too strange, especially since his behaviour was immature (jumping like a little child and gabbing awkward things, e.g. I could only make babies with myself) and he was pushing me to stay awake all night only because of his own sleeping difficulties. He was extremely socially dependent and sticky. He seemed like my little brother and I mainly acted as if I were his mom. Communicating about the problems was almost impossible, because he always had a rigid reply in such way that you could notice he definitely didn't get the message (interpretation problem).

 

Here is more what I wrote on my personality, if you are interested, but then the post will be very long. I'm always too extensive in words!

 

As for introversion versus extroversion: I really wouldn't know. The problem is that my past is very turbulent; my nature is super sensitive / porous and at school everything has collapsed so badly that I'm now sitting at home. I turned to self-provided studying. Not that I wouldn't want to attend a class, but the problem is that my qualification isn't of valuable worth.

I think I might be an extrovert person when it comes to my true character. However--I'm also a HSP. And I think, this what I'm going to say, may relate to more individuals who are a HSP. Well: I think that my authentic character is ruined. My parents always tell me that I was a really open and approachable toddler, I talked a lot, rambled a lot, but I also had a strong temperament and extremely strong own will. I was easily upset. Other toddlers were a lot more phlegmatic.

However, as I went to primary school, I got timid and more timid, over a couple of years... At school I've been bullied and mocked. Many kids were making fun of me. My expression was highly uncomfortable, awkward and I expressed a lot of grief. I was a stiff, serious child; never spontaneous or cheerful. This got only worse after my classmates started bullying, and I ended up in a circle of conflict (= bully) avoiding. This became a rut behaviour pattern.

Fortunately I also had a few friends who accepted me, but only for as long as I was in primary school. High school was awful, due to the amount of directions in my life that were all degrading at the same time. It was just a matter of stamina how long I'd be able to cope with that! I've never made any friends during the entire time of high school.

(I don't want to be redundant, but e.g. I had several distinct disorders based on neuropathology, psychological stress (thoughts), emotions and psychosomatics which I visited therapists and a psychiatrist for--I was 13 to 17).

 

So, at one hand I have a lot of traits which relate to introversion: not spontaneous, careful in approach... For example, I'm submissive in contact, especially groups. My approach toward peers is very mindfully managed, if done at all. If they seem too different, I usually withdraw. It's not that I can't read social codes. I can 'read' people very easily and I have a good intuition in sensing others' moods; I understand their motives always in some way even if I couldn't relate the situation to myself; empathising happens naturally. It's just that I'm extremely cautious (neuroticism), even more after my bad social experiences, which masks my genuine personality... despite it's not justified so.

In high school I was so anxious that 100% would have labeled me as introvert--for sure. I talked only at moments teachers (or classmates) asked me something. It is weird how I naturally love to be a leader since I'm also a person who values having control and I like to explain and tutor others (I'm high on BIS: Gray's biopsychological theory of personality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia). However, I've never practiced my function as a leader: there were no circumstances in which I felt comfortable enough to express sufficiently. I'm also not assertive when I feel so overwhelmed; I've trouble with mentioning my opinion, feel encumbered...

 

Now here is the other me: at home I talk a lot and usually can't stop! I'm versatile like a chameleon in a confident environment where I know the people and they know me. I think a lot, but am socially still more on the outside than my inner world. When I feel comfortable, I express what I think, e.g. my reaction on the news (journals), I ask others for ideas, I try to seek solidarity where possible. I love to co-operate. Actually: I'd ideally live in climate with like-minded people. I've always found it fun to exchange, discuss, have good and meaningful conversations, surprise others... I don't keep much stuff for myself. In fact, for a relationship (I'm single) a boyfriend would suit me best if he would also like to talk much. (Of course: it's also necessary to create personal space from time to time, and focus on your own thing.)

I would then be much less timid, but I can't relate myself to many of my peers who seem trivial and popular. There are really two types of social worlds whom I appear extremely different in. I'm not so good with idle chitchat and these teens / adolescents seem to have a very different sense of humour. Among peers I always felt stupid when I was the only one that didn't laugh, simply because I found the humour plain or insipid.

[hppr]

Congratulations you're normal. Tons of guys and girls out there who are 19 in the exact same place. As far as online dating goes you will want a much much shorter profile description and the best pictures you can possibly take.

[Els]

Based on what you've mentioned wanting in a relationship, I don't think online dating is the solution for you. Sure some people have found a partner who fulfills the same desires you have, but they tend to be very rare in online dating.

 

My suggestion would be to focus on the other parts of your life for now. It seems that you're in a fairly bad temporary circumstance, and getting out of it will help you in meeting a larger and more varied group of people. You have plans. Stick to them, and try to remove the shroud of pessimism. You're 19 - many people haven't had their first relationship at that age. It's much more normal than you might think, though you may not believe me now (when I was 18 and single prior to my first bf, I also thought there was something wrong with me).