Should I tell my husband about my affair?

[reservoirdog1]

I used to find ways to justify it and if I couldn't justify it the OM would justify it for me. When you live two lives and tell lie after lie you loose who you are. You get caught up in all the lies and don't know when to stop.

 

Wow... my TBXW could have written that.

 

You, at least, have a chance to do the right thing. In my case, TBXW built a web of lies and infidelity over a number of years with the result that the entire marriage was pretty much a fraud, even before the vows were sworn. When she finally came clean (because she had no choice by that point), the marriage was dead. There was nothing left to build on because there had never been a time during it or the engagement that there wasn't a whole second layer of sh*t that I was oblivious to. The whole thing was a sham.

 

What will be vital to both of you is to look at your marriage and decide if there is enough there to form a foundation that you can build on. But, IMHO, you can't really do that until you have total honesty between you. If you don't have that, then there will always be that second layer of sh*t beneath the surface that he's oblivious to. And if he finds out later, after you've both done a lot of work on fixing the marriage, it will destroy a large chunk of the work you've done. Why go to all that trouble?

[Joyce]

well I told him. Where it will go from here I don't know... it's so sad that this is so common. Reading all of your stories and experiences helped me realize reality and how much I am hurting my H. When I wrote this I expected a lot more criticism. You are all pretty open minded especially for being hurt the way most of you have. Thank you.

[stumt]

NEVER EVER tell him about your affair. From experience he will NEVER EVER let you live it down. You did what you did or are doing what you're doing for a reason. Something is missing in your relationship and I'm not saying having an affair is the answer but, sometimes it fills in what's missing for the time being. You just have to make sure your concience can handle knowing about your infidelity and if you can't handle it stop.

 

Tip:

Don't change any routines you normally would do

DONT feel bad or treat him any different (they notice those things)

Just like you notice things they normally wouldn't do on a regular basis.

NEVER EVER EVER even think your in love with the other man because if he'll do with you he'll do it to you.

 

But that's just my opinion

[stumt]

Well,

I guess I was too late.

Any how good luck on your marriage.

[Bryanp]

Congratulations Joyce,

 

You decided to provide honesty in your relationship and showed enormous respect for your husband by being open and honest with him. I am sure the pain is very severe but this is the way to truly begin to rebuild your relationship. It is sad that some people here believe that your marriage and relationship should be based on a foundation of lies and deceit. I think it says a great deal about their broken moral compasses.

 

If you had kept it a secret it would have been a like a cancer eating away at your marriage and your own self-esteem. The choice was between truth and honesty versus lies and deceit. You made the right choice. Please seek marriage counseling for the both of you. We all make mistakes and you have now started the first step in recovery because down deep you are an honest person. I wish you luck.

[TMCM]

Joyce don't forget that a marriage is a union of two individuals with free will and that each one at any moment can decide to leave the marriage for whatever reason and the other spouse can't stop him/her from doing so. If he decides to divorce you it will be his loss and he may end up regretting his decision for not having chosen to save and rebuild the marriage. You did the right thing in telling him and whatever the outcome, you can now go on with your life knowing that despite your mistake, you tried your best to make restitution and rebuild the marriage. I know that for you this is poor consolation but eventually you will come to realize that it is true.

[Joyce]

My H said that he wants to work through this. He said I am not a terrible person but made a very big mistake. He said he still loves me. He did not ask very many questions... he knows how long it went on and who it was with. I have a lot of respect for him with the way he has handled this. He did not yell.. he did not call me names.. he was very mature. He does not want anyone else to know. He has told one friend that he trusts and he talks to him about it several times a day.

 

 

I suggested counseling and he said that he is not ready for that right now. He met with the OM yesterday. I have no idea what was said but he came home feeling much better. He said it was very hard to not beat the **** out of him. He said he had a couple of questions for him that he needed answered. He came home and said it's over lets move on with life... I don't want to discuss this for a while. He said I just need to let him deal with this in his own way and he will ask me questions when he is ready. I don't think it's healthy for him to suppress his feelings but I will respect that he needs his own time to access the situation. He is a detective and his line of work they learn to hide their feelings.

 

 

It really was hard to tell him but it was a big weight off of my shoulders. It's about time that I become an adult and stop running from my mistakes.

[jmargel]

Good.. and do what he wishes. Not everyone is the same, and people do work things out in different ways. Some people need alot of private space, and others not as much. Don't offer details about things unless he asks. Otherwise it'll seem like you are rubbing his nose in it. Though do look for signs of any depression that might come about.

 

He's talking about it with a friend which is good, at least he has an outlet. It will be a long road ahead, but managable if the right steps are taken.

[ycart]

hi joyce

 

i too had an affair pretty much for the same reasons only it was with my husbands best friend who was best man at our wedding wed always been good friends but then one day last summer it all changed it lasted a year and at first the other man was wonderful but then he seemed to change as you say the stress scared him away my husband was told of this affair and i managed i dont know how to lie my way out of it i llok back now and wish id admitted it then my husband is a good man and father and i dont know how i ever got in to this situation but i would give anything to go back i am also 8 months pregnant and much to my shame i dont know who the child belongs to with only 5 weeks to go now i am beginning to lose it the other man doesnt want to know and that hurts like crazy i dont know if to come clean now before the babys born or just to carry on the lie i still love my husband but its more of a friendship i still long for the other man i know everything about this situation is wrong id appreciate it if had any advice back having been in a similar place

[shortbus74]

I really feel that once the trust is gone it is over....

 

I have been cheated on and it is the worst pain in the world....I would never wish that pain on anyone!

 

Good luck and hope all works out for you

[Bryanp]

To YCart,

 

You owe it to your husband to confess and tell him the truth. You have been married to your husband for such a short and time and you continue to have a sexual relationship with his best man and now you are pregnant and you are not sure who it is. If you have any decency and respect left for your husband you will tell him the truth. It is the least you can do. It sounds to me like you are just using your husband while you continue to humiliate him and put his health at risk. This is such a double betrayal to your husband of his wife and so-called best friend.

Your husband should have the choice to decide what he wishes to do his life and marriage by having all of the facts. The fact that you are willing to make your husband believe it is his child when it may not be is sickening. I suggest you be honest and be truthful to your husband. My heart goes out to your husband. It would seem only a person with a broken moral compass would continue to lie to her husband the way you are doing. Do the right thing and be truthful for once.

I wish you luck.

[mudobber]

Should I tell my husband about my affair?

 

No. Absolutely not, and I will not discuss it any further.

 

If you are feeling guilty and want to confess, find a good Catholic clergyman and let it all spill out. I am not Catholic, but those guys are sworn to secrecy. And they are well trained on how the atonement not only covers your repented sins, but also brings peace to the troubled soul.

[TMCM]

Originally posted by mudobber

Should I tell my husband about my affair?

 

No. Absolutely not, and I will not discuss it any further.

 

If you are feeling guilty and want to confess, find a good Catholic clergyman and let it all spill out. I am not Catholic, but those guys are sworn to secrecy. And they are well trained on how the atonement not only covers your repented sins, but also brings peace to the troubled soul.

 

And do you seriously beleive that a priest is going to tell her to continue to lie about her affair with her H best friend and to hide the possibility that the child she is going to give birth to might be the OM's child?

 

Atonement is NOT possible if the sin is still being perpetrated with lies and deceit.

[mudobber]

Originally posted by TMCM

And do you seriously beleive that a priest is going to tell her to continue to lie about her affair with her H best friend and to hide the possibility that the child she is going to give birth to might be the OM's child?

 

Atonement is NOT possible if the sin is still being perpetrated with lies and deceit.

 

As my post said "repented sins". I am glad that we agree TMCM.

 

 

But I think a priest would let HER make the decision to hurt her husband or not. Stop doing the sin, confess to God and man. That’s pretty much all there is to it. Except for, you know, get on with her life.

 

I did not know about, nor did I consider the "pregnant part". I must have missed the post. But yes that would change the equation a bit.

[Joyce]

Dear Ycart,

 

I feel deeply sorry for everyone involved in this especially the unborn child. I think deep down you know what you should do. I came to this websit knowing I should tell my H but I needed the encouragement.

 

If it were me I would come clean before the baby was born. Your H needs to know what he is up against and I think in the long run it will hurt him more knowing he was there supporting you through this whole pregnancy and childbirth and being lied to the whole time. He is probably very excited about the baby you would really really crush him if he became attached to it and found out it was not his.

 

You need to ask yourself if you can really live with yourself if you don't tell him? You already regret the previous lies so I can guarantee you will regret it if you lie to him even more. This really will eat you alive if you don't. He will be hurt and very angry and might even leave you but you owe it to him to give him that choice.

 

My H is still very hurt by my affair but giving him the choice and telling him the truth helped. He still loves me even knowing the mistakes I have made. The longer you let this go the more of a chance of him leaving but at the same time maybe you want him to leave you? You call your marriage more of a friendship... I can understand that but I think you are lying to yourself. How can you still long for the OM with him being such a prick? How can you long for a man that doesn't want to know if you are carrying his child? It's not right but I understand that when you build a life of lies with someone you have a weird bond and obsession with them but if the OM is really the right man why would he bail when things got rough? Why is the OM not standing by your side telling you he will stick by you and support you even if this is not his child? You went to this OM because you were attracted to him and those attractions will never go away and your thoughts happy times you had with him will never go away but you need to realize who this OM really is and until you get over him you can't work on your marriage or raise a happy family.

 

You have a lot of soul searching to do and only you can do it. You have a lot of extra emotions being pregnant and it has to be stressful on your baby. You will feel a huge weight off your shoulders by telling the truth... but don't get me wrong you have a lot of changes to make in your life and you will hurt a lot of people.. it's not easy but you can't make things head down the right path until you face what you have done.

 

I really do feel for you. I don't know if what I said helped or not but I am here if you ever need need anyone to talk to.

[Wild]

Joyce,

 

I am not a member here but I found your story a little interesting. I had an affair with a married women. I know what the other man was thinking.

 

You have a low self-esteem and the other man knew that and used you based on that. He knew you needed attention and love and that's what he gave you. In return he got sex without the commitment. He had no intention of anything more with you. Who wants to have a relationship with someone who will lie and cheat on their loved one? You really are a fool for believing all of it.

 

Here you are beating yourself up over this and he is moving on with his life and could care less what you are going through.

 

My advice to you would be work on your self-esteem and change what you need to to feel better about yourself. If you don't people will take advantage of you on a daily basis.

 

You are to blame for this in every way.