D-Day

[natty moppet]

I am interested in the ways in which people got caught. What are the biggest ways people screw up?

 

I am currently interested in becoming the 'other woman'. I know this man can satisfy my need for intimacy and emotional closeness that I am not getting from my H. I have tried to repair my relationship with my H countless times and myraid ways, but he is resistant to change-even for our relationship.

 

I get that we would be taking a huge risk-probably not worth it-but I cannot imagine another 20 years like this without some personal happiness. The OM is in the same situation I am in, and neither of us want a divorce--mainly because of the children. There is already a huge attraction that has been going on for about 2 years. We have had one meeting, but nothing intimate yet.

 

I have not jumped off the cliff yet, but it is getting harder to resist...

[eleanorrigby]

Why not pick a single guy at least? If you did that at least one family could be spared this trauma.

You have only met this guy once, go back to plenty of fish and pick a single guy!

[wisernow]

You said in this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/374768-same-time-next-year-2.html that you didn't really want to have an affair and were trying to talk yourself out of it. Now you're asking for all the ways people get caught. So which is it?

 

Just divorce already, geez.

[ThatJustHappened]

Go for it! Having parents who are indifferent towards each other and at least one who is sneaking behind their backs to bang someone else's spouse is definitely the best way to raise happy and healthy kids.

 

Thinking with your genitals = excellent parenting!

[Spark1111]

I think people get caught because you have to suspend rational thought and good judgement to even engage in something as self-destructive as an affair.

 

Look where you are now?

 

Telling yourself you DESERVE to be happy is one of the first steps to crossing a major boundary.

 

Another is convincing yourself that as long as no one finds out, no one can get hurt.

 

Another line of thinking is convincing both yourselves that you won't let your emotiongs get involved to the point where you would leave your marriage and hurt your children.

 

This is how most affair rationalizing starts IMO.

 

You could learn a million ways to avoid detection, yet the fact that you are even asking that questions says to me, that you will proceed anyway.

 

Prepare for the eventual, devastating destruction, both to yourself, your marriage, your children and his marriage, and his family.

 

Right now, I'm sure you think you will never get caught and it will be worth it, because...it MAKES you happy.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Make no mistake, there will be a D-Day. People get sloppy and eventually it happens. Plus, most of the time behavior changes and your spouse's natural instinct takes over and begins to suspect. Both my xOM's wife and my BS were suspecting in their own ways. I think I mentioned before that his wife had been reading our emails for over a year before something was tangible that she absolutely knew (first D-Day). On the second one, when my husband discovered something on my computer and confronted me he said he was ready to hire a PI. It happens that sometimes it isn't discovered for long time, years maybe, but it will happen.

 

These situations do not end well. Friendships are torn apart. It is not something I would wish on anyone. It changes your and your circumstances forever.

[Quiet Storm]

If you truly want to keep your marriage together for the benefit of the kids, then you must find other ways to obtain "personal happiness".

 

An affair is not the only way you can be happy. In fact, the end result will likely be the opposite of happy.

 

Many people are in unfulfilling marriages and don't cheat. They fill their time with activities and hobbies that they love. They find joy in their children and their accomplishments. They go on trips, read great books, find awesome friends.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I also meant to add (I could not edit for some reason) that my husband's affair was discovered because he got sloppy. I was still reeling in my own pain from the end of my affair, so I wasn't as sharp as I could have been. He started getting a little more secret with his phone and I eventually discovered an unknown number and when I looked it up I found who it belonged to.

 

I waited until I was sure as I looked at texts as I could and then I confronted. When I did, he said it had just begun to be physical recently, but when pressed it was 9 months and that might not be completely true - I'm not sure.

 

Anyway your spouse is a lot smarter than you them credit for, so it's a given it will be discovered.

 

I certainly have learned I cannot tell anyone what they should do in their own lives, but I can say that if I had it to do over again (with my current knowledge) I would fight it as hard as I could to avoid the disasterous pain and damage that has come - for all of us.

[whichwayisup]

I am interested in the ways in which people got caught. What are the biggest ways people screw up?

 

I am currently interested in becoming the 'other woman'. I know this man can satisfy my need for intimacy and emotional closeness that I am not getting from my H. I have tried to repair my relationship with my H countless times and myraid ways, but he is resistant to change-even for our relationship.

 

I get that we would be taking a huge risk-probably not worth it-but I cannot imagine another 20 years like this without some personal happiness. The OM is in the same situation I am in, and neither of us want a divorce--mainly because of the children. There is already a huge attraction that has been going on for about 2 years. We have had one meeting, but nothing intimate yet.

 

I have not jumped off the cliff yet, but it is getting harder to resist...

So, why not just TELL your husband you want an open marriage? Tell him you're very unhappy with your sex life with him, that you've met someone else and want to be with that guy sexually. At least this way your H can have a woman on the side as well. Or, hey, just divorce since it seems neither of you are truly putting any effort into your marriage, aren't talking or understanding/listening to one another.

 

Anyway, I say tell your H what your above post says. To go ahead and cheat, go against your vows and hurt your H this way isn't cool. And, you'll be betraying your whole family unit as one.

[spice4life]

The whole staying married for the kids is hogwash guite frankly. As long as you live in an area that has a great school system and work out an arrangement with your husband you would definitely be fine. A lot of single mothers have children that go onto great things after divorce so these are self imposed limits on your part.

 

But alas, that aside, since you've made the decision to stay you need to realize that you are already in an affair and its called an "emotional affair." So going against your beliefs has already gone out the window so to speak. Just ask your husband...actually, no insist that your husband allow you to open the marriage and go get the needs he is not providing elsewhere. It s truly your only option if you don't want to go againt your beliefs.

 

The secrecy of an affair totally sucks and is not really a good way to go to be honest. Women get attached emotionally after having sex. You will end up going through a ton of ups and downs before it all evens out and that can take YEARS. When it finally does you will realize that you should have just gotten a divorce because your life would have evened out from it before it did from the affair.

 

Again, staying for the kids is a one big rationalization one sells oneself because they don't want to give up what they preceive as "stability" when the reality is it's not what you think it is. Stability is being happy and showing others that there is happiness and "stability" if they have the courage to go get it.

[natty moppet]

So, why not just TELL your husband you want an open marriage? Tell him you're very unhappy with your sex life with him, that you've met someone else and want to be with that guy sexually. At least this way your H can have a woman on the side as well. Or, hey, just divorce since it seems neither of you are truly putting any effort into your marriage, aren't talking or understanding/listening to one another.

 

Anyway, I say tell your H what your above post says. To go ahead and cheat, go against your vows and hurt your H this way isn't cool. And, you'll be betraying your whole family unit as one.

 

I have suggested the open marriage thing to my husband...he doesn't want it. I get that. He doesn't want a divorce either-I get that. What I don't get, is that he says he wants to change/work on things, but never, ever does.

[natty moppet]

The whole staying married for the kids is hogwash guite frankly. As long as you live in an area that has a great school system and work out an arrangement with your husband you would definitely be fine. A lot of single mothers have children that go onto great things after divorce so these are self imposed limits on your part.

 

But alas, that aside, since you've made the decision to stay you need to realize that you are already in an affair and its called an "emotional affair." So going against your beliefs has already gone out the window so to speak. Just ask your husband...actually, no insist that your husband allow you to open the marriage and go get the needs he is not providing elsewhere. It s truly your only option if you don't want to go againt your beliefs.

 

The secrecy of an affair totally sucks and is not really a good way to go to be honest. Women get attached emotionally after having sex. You will end up going through a ton of ups and downs before it all evens out and that can take YEARS. When it finally does you will realize that you should have just gotten a divorce because your life would have evened out from it before it did from the affair.

 

Again, staying for the kids is a one big rationalization one sells oneself because they don't want to give up what they preceive as "stability" when the reality is it's not what you think it is. Stability is being happy and showing others that there is happiness and "stability" if they have the courage to go get it.

 

I agree with most of your post Spice, except the 'kids' part. Divorce is monumentally damaging to kids. Some survive and do great, others have hurt and sadness that carries on into their own relationships long into the future. I want my kids to have a two parent home, even if its not perfect. Frankly, I don't know of very many marriages that are perfect in every aspect. In nearly every marriage I know of, there is some friction in one area or another. I also want my kids to have the benefits that come from a combined income.

 

Also, it is really quite 'out of character' for me to even consider stepping out. I know that even a couple years ago, I was saying the same cautionary things to a friend, that many on here have said. I don't know what has changed or why. I just know that i am considering it--even though it is probably an inevitable train wreck.

[spice4life]

Okay, if you say so. Good luck.

[natty moppet]

I think people get caught because you have to suspend rational thought and good judgement to even engage in something as self-destructive as an affair.

 

Look where you are now?

 

Telling yourself you DESERVE to be happy is one of the first steps to crossing a major boundary.

 

Another is convincing yourself that as long as no one finds out, no one can get hurt.

 

Another line of thinking is convincing both yourselves that you won't let your emotiongs get involved to the point where you would leave your marriage and hurt your children.

 

This is how most affair rationalizing starts IMO.

 

You could learn a million ways to avoid detection, yet the fact that you are even asking that questions says to me, that you will proceed anyway.

 

Prepare for the eventual, devastating destruction, both to yourself, your marriage, your children and his marriage, and his family.

 

Right now, I'm sure you think you will never get caught and it will be worth it, because...it MAKES you happy.

 

Seems so trite and selfish, when you think about it. I guess it is...

Sometimes, I just feel like I am in my own kind of self-imposed prison that I can never escape...explains why I might be rationalizing.

 

All the things you said seem valid...yet I am most bothered by the idea that I cannot control my own emotions. I feel like this guy is perfect because I can control my emotions about him--have to control them--because of who he is.

That's one of things I have to count on if I decide to go ahead...

[Got it]

I understand where you are at and the damned if you do damned if you don't stance but you do have to look at the impact of dday on your kids the same way you are looking at the impact of divorce. It stands the same chances.

 

Why not tell your husband that this is what you want and you will move forward on it. That change hasn't happened and you are not happy with the way things are. If he is not making any changes then tell him. Now he may decide to want to divorce at that point but you are right and you do have the right to make choices for your happiness and a spouse that is willing to meet you halfway.

 

But if you aren't comfortable with taking the stance now, trust me, it is 1000% harder when dday hits, emotions are high, and shrapnel is flying.

 

The way I avoided a dday? I separated a few weeks after the affair started so there was less chance of evidence anyway.

 

For dMM, he left all kinds of evidence around, phone records, emails, easy passwords, etc. So on that note, don't leave evidence, don't change your schedule, interactions, patterns or habits. Changes are noticed, evidence solidifies them.

 

Ddays are hard, long lasting, and painful. There are no two ways around that and you can't predict it won't impact your kids. You can't control if you husband tells them. You may not have one, but it is Russian Roulette.

 

Have you tried IC to figure out what to do with your situation? It might help.

[natty moppet]

You say you are unhappy in the marriage:

 

Can you tell why your H does not make you happy? Be specific and avoid generic comments, like controlling, anger, etc.

 

Can you make a list of the top five things that make you unhappy?

 

What does he need to do to make you happy?

 

What do you want in a man that he is not6 doing?

 

The top five:

1-He is not that into me, though he says he is-words don't match his behavior. Example: Does not laugh at my jokes, when others do-ever. This is usually because he is preoccupied with the tv, btw.

 

2-He is overweight and drinks too much. (One or the other I could handle, but due to his not-so-great health, the continual promises of change in these areas are driving me mad.)

 

3-Our sex life is boring. This is a tricky one, but I believe this problem is twofold. One, we have no intimacy so for me, its very rote. I can please him, but he rarely pleases me. Two, its the same thing over and over--no variety, despite my asking for and initiating change here as well.

 

4-He is very angry and unhappy in general. There is not a lot of fun in our relationship, outside of the kids. I have asked repeatedly that he get some help or on meds, but again, he resists. (or he says he will do it but never follows thru)

 

Okay, is 4 enough?

 

Outside of actually making some of the changes he has promised me(related to #1-4 above), I don't know. I just feel if he would try, we might have a shot.

 

I want someone(and have found someone) who is a happy person, a fun person, is into me, cares about his health and how that affects the people around him. I know that he too, is selfish and probably willing to risk things too. He is in almost the exact same situation as I am--similar reasoning at least.

 

Having said all that, I still do love my H. I have been through alot of scary things with him-major illness, death of parent, etc. I believe he is a good person even though we have so many issues. Of course, I don't want to hurt him, or our children or the MM's wife and their kids.

I guess I am just longing for the excitement, closeness and intimacy that this OM could provide. I so get how dangerous it would be and feel sad and ashamed that I am even considering it.

I also believe that due to recent events, I am feeling my mortality more. I find myself thinking that we only get one life!! Can I grab a little piece of brief happiness just for a little while--or I will have to lie in the bed that I made--even though it turned out to be a hard, cold bed. ( I know I can and do get fulfillment from my kids, books, friends, etc--so just ignore that other piece of myself?)

Sorry for lengthy reply--not easy to quantify.

[natty moppet]

I understand where you are at and the damned if you do damned if you don't stance but you do have to look at the impact of dday on your kids the same way you are looking at the impact of divorce. It stands the same chances.

 

Why not tell your husband that this is what you want and you will move forward on it. That change hasn't happened and you are not happy with the way things are. If he is not making any changes then tell him. Now he may decide to want to divorce at that point but you are right and you do have the right to make choices for your happiness and a spouse that is willing to meet you halfway.

 

But if you aren't comfortable with taking the stance now, trust me, it is 1000% harder when dday hits, emotions are high, and shrapnel is flying.

 

The way I avoided a dday? I separated a few weeks after the affair started so there was less chance of evidence anyway.

 

For dMM, he left all kinds of evidence around, phone records, emails, easy passwords, etc. So on that note, don't leave evidence, don't change your schedule, interactions, patterns or habits. Changes are noticed, evidence solidifies them.

 

Ddays are hard, long lasting, and painful. There are no two ways around that and you can't predict it won't impact your kids. You can't control if you husband tells them. You may not have one, but it is Russian Roulette.

 

Have you tried IC to figure out what to do with your situation? It might help.

 

What is IC--Individual counseling?

 

I have not. We have done couples counseling 2x. Not very effectual with a partner who does not follow through.

 

I appreciate your advice. I know I am playing with fire if I go ahead with it. I am absolutely terrified of hurting my kids and OM's wife and kids. It is the only thing holding me back at this point.

[whichwayisup]

I have suggested the open marriage thing to my husband...he doesn't want it. I get that. He doesn't want a divorce either-I get that. What I don't get, is that he says he wants to change/work on things, but never, ever does.

 

Then put your foot down and fight for your marriage if you love your husband! You both are settled and your marriage has gone stale. BORING. Change it up.

 

When was the last time the two of you went on a date? Fooled around? held hands just for the heck of it? You want another man for sex, so instead of putting that effort into someone new, why not push through this and MAKE your husband understand how important this to you? To have a better sex life and more intimacy. You could just say either we work together and fix this, do marriage counseling. Get sitters more often so we can go out alone, reconnect and have fun agan. OR, it's trial separation time or divorce. Don't cheat on him, he doesn't deserve that. Neither do your children. You're taking a huge chance of turning innocent lives upside down for a walk on the wild side. you might regret it.

[whichwayisup]

What is IC--Individual counseling?

 

I have not. We have done couples counseling 2x. Not very effectual with a partner who does not follow through.

 

I appreciate your advice. I know I am playing with fire if I go ahead with it. I am absolutely terrified of hurting my kids and OM's wife and kids. It is the only thing holding me back at this point.

 

Then don't do it. Don't be selfish.

 

Find hobbies to keep you busier. Buy a good vibe to satisfy your needs that way. Make MORE effort with your H in the bedroom, flaunt yourself and tease him, have fun. maybe that spark just need to be lit and you doing that will help him along. Of course your H has to put effort in as well, but since you're the one wanting to cheat, might as well put that effort into your H and NOT into a MM.

[Lillyfree]

I have suggested the open marriage thing to my husband...he doesn't want it. I get that. He doesn't want a divorce either-I get that. What I don't get, is that he says he wants to change/work on things, but never, ever does.

 

 

you suggest things and give up as soon as your husband says that he 'doesn't want to'?

how about YOU do something about your marriage that will better things for you but not include an affair?

 

trust me, even if you're not found out it's not going to end well for you. you're obviously emotionally invested already, and are consciously pushing for more with an unavailable man.

 

read some threads by OW after the affair ended. if you think you're unhappy now, wait until that time...you'd wish you never went there.

[18Years2Late]

An affair will change your life FOREVER...even if you don't get caught...

 

Now if you still choose to move forward against your better judgement just to have some mind-blowing sex (I hear ya)...DO NOT do it with this current MM...he's a friend of both you and your H...you said that you and he have been talking (I.e emotional affair) for 2 years...you have serious intimacy with this guy...there's been 2 yrs of anticipation leading up to this...it will be the best sex you've ever had before...and you'll need more...but he can't give you more until its convenient FOR HIM...and you be "in love"...then you have to go home and look at your boring H and wish you were anywhere but there...rinse and repeat...and then...YOU GET CAUGHT...bc you can't control your emotions or act normal in front of your H...it will make you sick...physically and emotionally...BTDT...don't believe me?...try it...

 

If you just want sex...sign up for a AM account and you can choose from 10 perfect strangers within an hour...meet a stranger at a bar...wear protection and have sex...no strings attached...people do it everyday...if you knew how many men were on that site you'd never get married again...it's disgusting...but you'd get sex and both walk away...NSA...if you choose this MM u are currently involved with you will hang yourself with the strings I promise...

 

Not saying that you should cheat but if you just have to...

[Lillyfree]

 

If you just want sex...sign up for a AM account and you can choose from 10 perfect strangers within an hour...meet a stranger at a bar...

 

...end up with a possible STI, or in a ditch....

 

FFS.

[natty moppet]

Thank you for answering the questions. It sounds like a typical long term boring marriage, I agree.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So you would like him to be more into you. Let me translate this, you want attention and affirmation. You want external validation and that is OK. However, those that want too much external validation end up being very unhappy people. No one can validate you 24/7. Not your husband and not the OM. These folks end up having affairs (surprise, surprise).

 

Yes, some attention and validation would be nice. I am not looking for this constantly,but occasionally would be nice. Attention and validation are a part of every relationship.

 

 

 

This is a very valid point. Personal appearance is very important in a marriage. Is he an alcoholic?

 

Probably a functioning alcoholic.

 

 

 

Yes, it is tricky because it takes two to have boring sex. He is boring, but you are also quite boring to him. He does not turn you on and you do not turn him on. That s a dilemma. Nevertheless, let me ask. Are you looking to have the affair for the sex or for the attention and romance?

 

I think he is perfectly happy with me, but would prefer it more often. That is what he tells me anyway.

 

He is unhappy???????:eek: So who is more unhappy? You or him? You already expressed your unhappy state. I assuem you hold your husband responsible for your unhappiness. Who does your H blames?

 

I do not hold him responsible for my happiness. I am happy in all areas of my life except this one. He is unhappy about work, home, etc. I think depressed would be a better description. Still, he won't get Tx.

 

 

 

 

Yep, you have a guy that is quite charming and attentive. I am sure his wife is crazy about him because he is such a good guy. And I am also certain that his wife has an amazing sex life with him. These guys are really good in the sac. If he is such a happy maj why is he looking to have affairs? Do you know why?

 

Yes, also unhappy at home. Also, an overweight spouse who has 'given up'. No emotional relationship--long before I came into picture.

 

 

I haver to congratulate you for not saying: " I love my husband, but I am not in love with him". Nice going!

 

Yep, mid life crisis, needing attention, romance, and finding a new man that gives you butterflies. I get that.

 

Here are my suggestions:

 

1. Affairs are generally VERY destructive. I suggest you do not go there, it will be the worst mistake of your life.

 

2. Order your H to work out and to stop drinking. Put your foot down! Nag him everyday about this. Try real hard and make sure to tell him why you want him to take care of himself.

 

3. Your H is unhappy. I suspect, he is not like you. He is able to live with the lack of happiness which could be related to you. Perhaps you are not the best wife in the planet. If you treat your H like a king he will eventually treat you like a queen. That is human nature. We treat others the way they treat us. I suspect you make him quite unhappy too.

 

4. I also suggest you join the gym and work out. I bet you need to lose a few lbs.

 

@ #2--I have done this for years-nag, plead, promise, etc. You cannot make a person lose weight. They have to want it. Same with drinking.

 

@3--He is unhappy, because he is clinically depressed. Again, I cannot make him take medicine or seek TX. I have gone the ask, beg, plead, etc route for this too and get no where. I cannot speak for him, but he is the one who won't agree to trying a separation. He always wants/begs me to stay--I always concede.

 

@4 I already belong to a gym, eat healthy, and workout. I could lose maybe 5-10, but I look pretty good.

 

Thanks for the sarcasm and condescending attitude. Its really so helpful and makes your sensible suggestions that much more valid!

[MissBee]

I am interested in the ways in which people got caught. What are the biggest ways people screw up?

 

I am currently interested in becoming the 'other woman'. I know this man can satisfy my need for intimacy and emotional closeness that I am not getting from my H. I have tried to repair my relationship with my H countless times and myraid ways, but he is resistant to change-even for our relationship.

 

I get that we would be taking a huge risk-probably not worth it-but I cannot imagine another 20 years like this without some personal happiness. The OM is in the same situation I am in, and neither of us want a divorce--mainly because of the children. There is already a huge attraction that has been going on for about 2 years. We have had one meeting, but nothing intimate yet.

 

I have not jumped off the cliff yet, but it is getting harder to resist...

 

Maybe you should discuss an open marriage FIRST and see how that goes.

 

I don't think you are required to suffer unhappiness forever. If you want to stay married unhappily and have an affair that may potentially be found out...well...sorry...your attempt to stay for your kids will be futile. As the drama from that may change their views about you, themselves and how they form relationships. Kids need parents who respect each other and love them IMO...and you can do that in an open M but not while cheating.

[natty moppet]

From your posts I gather you feel powerless in ways, you want more from your marriage, but yet he won't give it. I suggest instead of seeing yourself as powerless to change anything that you realize you can. If your husband/marriage is the source of your unhappiness, then you need to tell him to either buckle up and get on the horse, or else you will leave or he will have to leave. You say you don't want to hurt your kids with a divorce, but your logic is skewed, because you are contemplating having an affair instead which will hurt them even more. To your hubby, an affair will be the most passive aggressive hurtful thing you can do, a lot more hurtful than a divorce.

 

Stop being so passive and tell your hubby to hit the door if he won't get up off his arse if he makes you so unhappy. Then you can do what you want to do and date single men and not drag your family and his family thru the ****pile an affair will become.

 

Yes, my logic is definitely skewed! In my mind, I feel like I can keep my emotions in check, have a brief affair(or a same time next year affair), separate, remain friends, and continue on without anyone finding out anything! Absolutely insane, I guess.