Lillyfree Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 You want an answer to how long you can be told no. Lets take it from a man's point of view.....my father (who has passed). Five long and sexless years. You know what he did to keep his family intact. Porn and masturbation. That is SELFLESS, that is INTEGRITY, and that is the example any married person should set for the future generations. Get over the fact that you are denied an orgasm from you partner....no loves you better than yourself anyways. with all due respect towards your father's memory... porn and masturbation is withdrawing further from the relationship - may have kept the family intact but wouldn't have helped with closeness and intimacy... yes, sometimes we all take things into our own hands - but recommending it as a cure for a sexless marriage is a bit off tbh. OP, might be time to stop playing the victim and actually do something (apart from self-pleasure) to better your circumstances. pull up your britches, put your foot down - you can either make your marriage better and get what you want out of it - resulting in you being happy and keeping your family intact. OR, if it's beyond repair, divorce. take your problems on like a big girl, and in ways that will enable you to hold your head up high whichever way it goes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Agree - porn and masterbation to avoid divorce? What? That makes absolutely no sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Agree - porn and masterbation to avoid divorce? What? That makes absolutely no sense. yeah... reading that post made me a bit uneasy. i wouldn't want to even imagine my father's masturbation being an example for anything, let alone something for future generations to look to as a solution for marital problems... ... or a situation where that would be discussed in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 with all due respect towards your father's memory... porn and masturbation is withdrawing further from the relationship - may have kept the family intact but wouldn't have helped with closeness and intimacy... yes, sometimes we all take things into our own hands - but recommending it as a cure for a sexless marriage is a bit off tbh. OP, might be time to stop playing the victim and actually do something (apart from self-pleasure) to better your circumstances. pull up your britches, put your foot down - you can either make your marriage better and get what you want out of it - resulting in you being happy and keeping your family intact. OR, if it's beyond repair, divorce. take your problems on like a big girl, and in ways that will enable you to hold your head up high whichever way it goes. Notice that I said it is a way to deal with a sexless marriage rather than CHEATING. I also recommended that if she could not live like that to divorce her husband giving advance warning as to why the divorce is warranted. Please read the whole post before you make assumptions. But remember that my parents came from a generation the happiness of the family (short of abuse mental/physical) was never taken for granted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Agree - porn and masterbation to avoid divorce? What? That makes absolutely no sense. I didn't say to avoid divorce, I said to avoid an affair. Try again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I wasn't saying that the A wasn't selfish! Clearly it is-more selfish than getting a divorce. What I was saying is that I haven't gone through with the divorce to ease my own sadness because of the damage I feel it would do to my kids. I have already said numerous times on here that I know the A is wrong and horrible-doesn't mean I still don't want to do it. I think I am on here to try to stop living in the 'high' that the initial feelings cause and remember how bad of a choice it would be. You are wrong though, I am not in the A. Just talking right now. I'm not sure an affair is always selfish. Sometimes people are so stuck and miserable they just don't know what else to do. Everyone deserves to be loved. You guys just LOVE to bash, but you don't know, unless you've been in her shoes, so calm down. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Why do you need this guy to validate you - your feelings? Why can't you get that from YOURSELF? Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 You want an answer to how long you can be told no. Lets take it from a man's point of view.....my father (who has passed). Five long and sexless years. You know what he did to keep his family intact. Porn and masturbation. That is SELFLESS, that is INTEGRITY, and that is the example any married person should set for the future generations. Get over the fact that you are denied an orgasm from you partner....no loves you better than yourself anyways. However...if you cannot live like that, then divorce your spouse instead of cheating with warning as to why ahead of time. You insinuate an affair is just about an orgasm. For most women, and a lot of men, it is more about the intimacy. Being touched, held, having a connection. Not sure why you think it's about getting off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Notice that I said it is a way to deal with a sexless marriage rather than CHEATING. I also recommended that if she could not live like that to divorce her husband giving advance warning as to why the divorce is warranted. Please read the whole post before you make assumptions. But remember that my parents came from a generation the happiness of the family (short of abuse mental/physical) was never taken for granted. i never made assumptions and i did read your post. i stand by my opinion that burying the issues and masturbating instead is NO alternative. she needs to communicate with her husband, and either work on her marriage or call it quits. those are alternatives to cheating, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm not sure an affair is always selfish. Sometimes people are so stuck and miserable they just don't know what else to do. Everyone deserves to be loved. You guys just LOVE to bash, but you don't know, unless you've been in her shoes, so calm down. a lot of 'us guys' HAVE been in her shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 You insinuate an affair is just about an orgasm. For most women, and a lot of men, it is more about the intimacy. Being touched, held, having a connection. Not sure why you think it's about getting off. Maybe because what we here is about the great sex. And that is why I said that if you cannot live without the sex then fair warning prior divorce is the answer....not an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 i never made assumptions and i did read your post. i stand by my opinion that burying the issues and masturbating instead is NO alternative. she needs to communicate with her husband, and either work on her marriage or call it quits. those are alternatives to cheating, IMO. Read the last line of my post.....if you cannot live that way then ask for a divorce with advance warning of why. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm not sure an affair is always selfish. Sometimes people are so stuck and miserable they just don't know what else to do. Everyone deserves to be loved. You guys just LOVE to bash, but you don't know, unless you've been in her shoes, so calm down. I still don't see how an affair is unselfish..can you please explain further? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm not sure an affair is always selfish. Sometimes people are so stuck and miserable they just don't know what else to do. Everyone deserves to be loved. You guys just LOVE to bash, but you don't know, unless you've been in her shoes, so calm down. You are absolutely right. EVERYONE deserves to be loved. So why not leave a marriage via divorce instead of an affair. That way all parties are able to find love without betrayal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 What???????? Deserves to be loved??? Sorry, that is selfish. You don't think everyone deserves to be loved in their life? You do know that children who are brought up without love, that disconnect has shown to develop a large number of antisocial behaviors. That love is actually paramount in our specie not just for survival but for development. That yes while it is selfish, it is selfish in the name of preservation/survival. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 I stand by the fact that I believe everyone deserves to be loved. And by 'you guys' I didn't mean 'men' I meant 'you people'. And you are bashing. It just seems SOMETIMES that SOME of you do not offer support, but just say "get out" when those of us that are in affairs are already in them and in LOVE. And what I am saying is that my boyfriend did NOT feel loved, and neither did his WIFE. But, because she likes money, she didn't want to separate. By the way, everything we do in life is selfish in one way or another, even eating, sleeping, loving, having friends... even baking a cake for someone. We do it because we want to feel good. That is normal behavior. I'm saying, perhaps an affair is not any more selfish than anything else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 Eh? I may be hard of thinking but none of the examples you mention are selfish. Doing something you enjoy isn't selfish unless by doing it you hurt someone else. I enjoy long walks with my dog. Don't think that is selfish hey if I'm wrong tell me who I'm hurting (apart from the odd rabbit that Harley chases and completely fails to catch) Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 I've found the surest way to be loved is to be or become loveable. Twosadthings Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 Women that yearn to be loved are fun at the onset. Because they are receptive to almost anything. If the man says what she wants to hear life is good. The problem is that this only works at the onset. No man can keep a woman happy 24/7. So once the new aspect of the relationship passes the lady tends to become an MOW looking for that high again. The feeling of being wanted is intoxicating. They crave to have a man looking at them with lust in the eyes. If they are not wanted they are miserable. Wanting to be loved and being happy are two totally different things and two totally different feelings. Wanting to be attractive/lusted after, being happy, and being loved by another are three different things, and are part of ALL people in differing degrees and are not unacceptable, abnormal, or unreasonable in certain degrees. This post doesn't make any sense. It is not a black and white idea that wanting to be loved is over the top. Most humans want to be loved. Abnormal personality traits like sociopaths may not care about others/being loved, but antisocial behavior is normally the cause of the lack of care/love by others. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 Wanting to be loved and being happy are two totally different things and two totally different feelings. Wanting to be attractive/lusted after, being happy, and being loved by another are three different things, and are part of ALL people in differing degrees and are not unacceptable, abnormal, or unreasonable in certain degrees. This post doesn't make any sense. It is not a black and white idea that wanting to be loved is over the top. Most humans want to be loved. Abnormal personality traits like sociopaths may not care about others/being loved, but antisocial behavior is normally the cause of the lack of care/love by others. I think what Pierre is trying to say, (and I do agree with his post), is that some people need the CONSTANT, intense type of affection that being in a new relationship offers. They are always seeking this validation. They arent confident in themselves enough. It is "over the top" Women who are like this are more likely to be flirtatious with men, even while in a committed relationship. They dress inappropriately to draw attention to themselves. A woman doesn't even need to be attractive to get attention from men. If she bats her eyes at every guy in the room, she will receive plenty of attention. He is correct. NO one person will ever be able to keep up with that. TFOY Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 sohappy, " I'm saying, perhaps an affair is not any more selfish than anything else." I would say that sleeping w/a MM is More damaging and harmful than "baking someone a cake"... To be selfish and commit an act out of selfishness is (I don't think) the right reason to do anything. I believe doing something to bring someone and the people around them joy out of the kindness of heart then reaping the reward either internally or externally is what counts. Sometimes I perform an act of kindness and the reward is beyond what I would have thought (as mostly I don't do things for a reward*), and then I act selfish by dwelling on the reward or validation instead of the joy I brought others through my action. Inevitably though, it then it diminishes my act of kindness in my own eyes when I realize I'm doing it... I DO agree that it is SO easy to get off track and do things for selfish gain. D-Day should be a wake up call for All involved in an Infidelity triangle to get back on track or begin a new path "the right way" After the old path has been "closed" (ie: Divorce). Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 Hi, I've read a bit of your thred. Perhaps if you google "covert agression" you might see some of the tactics your husband is using to not address changing his behaviour. Maybe that will be a step towards counselling. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 I stand by the fact that I believe everyone deserves to be loved. And by 'you guys' I didn't mean 'men' I meant 'you people'. And you are bashing. It just seems SOMETIMES that SOME of you do not offer support, but just say "get out" when those of us that are in affairs are already in them and in LOVE. And what I am saying is that my boyfriend did NOT feel loved, and neither did his WIFE. But, because she likes money, she didn't want to separate. By the way, everything we do in life is selfish in one way or another, even eating, sleeping, loving, having friends... even baking a cake for someone. We do it because we want to feel good. That is normal behavior. I'm saying, perhaps an affair is not any more selfish than anything else. When you're having an affair, you are knowingly hurting innocent people. That is the epitome of selfish. How does that compare to being in a normal relationship where nobody is cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 As usual you take things in a literal manner with no analysis. I think you do it on purpose.. Someone answered this for me: I think what Pierre is trying to say, (and I do agree with his post), is that some people need the CONSTANT, intense type of affection that being in a new relationship offers. They are always seeking this validation. They arent confident in themselves enough. It is "over the top" Women who are like this are more likely to be flirtatious with men, even while in a committed relationship. They dress inappropriately to draw attention to themselves. A woman doesn't even need to be attractive to get attention from men. If she bats her eyes at every guy in the room, she will receive plenty of attention. He is correct. NO one person will ever be able to keep up with that. TFOY Thanks If one need an interpreter to try and follow your posts maybe you should look at how you are writing. Just saying. Yes I take it literally because I am a literal person. Most of the written word/communication tends to be. Just saying (again). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 I am interested in the ways in which people got caught. What are the biggest ways people screw up? Do you really want to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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