D-Day

[Lillyfree]

Do you really want to know.

 

i wouldn't bother, looks like OP left the building. hopefully the next time we see her here isn't after d-day.

[So happy together]

What a load of garbage. You are not responsible for your spouses happiness!

 

Everyone is responsible for how their actions affect others, I agree. BUT when it comes down to it there are several factors, including, but not limited to: compatibility, intimacy, having things in common, putting the work toward the relationship. BUT, that still does not put one person in charge of the happiness of another.

 

You are in charge of how you feel. Of what things get to you and what things don't. Your happiness is YOUR issue.

[eleanorrigby]

I think that she had had enough "tough love" and probably will be yet another casualty of being told "you must see it this way"

Which means she'll probably go have an affair that she maybe woudln't have if she had stuck around.

I did answer this so I hope she got the info she was looking for.

 

:lmao: damn had no idea words on a forum had that much power. So we have pushed her into an affair! Interesting.

[GorillaTheater]

LOL... no. I just meant that sometimes people come here, straddling the fence. When they leave, without continuing to think it through or work through issues then their choices may be different than the ones they'd have made otherwise.

 

Although it's as sound logic as the fact that the OW made the MM have an affair, so maybe I should just stick with the way it came out.

 

And LG, I know we disagree about a lot, but I think you know that it's the delivery a lot of times that makes something completely different.

 

And to think that my motives in the way I post are questioned. Guess there's no doubt about the level of snark in some of the above posts. Oh wait, I'm an OW. It's totally permitted to belittle and mock me.

 

Personally, I'm okay with taking the blame for her affair. Certainly beats the OP blaming her husband for schtooping another guy(s).

[Lillyfree]

i wouldn't worry too much that OP got too offended - she probably didn't agree with posters telling her not to do it and went to a forum that is more receptive when it comes to what she wants to do. and she'll do it. *shrug*

[Got it]

If the OP is butt hurt because we didn't applaud her wanting to have an affair, wait till she sees her family's reaction! All she got here was a little glimpse into REALITY: most people think its selfish, mean, irresponsible and down right piggish to cheat. This isn't news to people in an egocentric bubble, if she did indeed freak out and leave it just shows her how unprepared she is for the D-day and all the crap her friends/family will say...

 

Sorry, I won't sugarcoat to people how they are about to destroy families and themselves.

 

Out of curiosity what is "butt hurt"? And where does that rank on the scale of hurt? Is it better or worse than other body parts? :laugh:

[ThatJustHappened]

Out of curiosity what is "butt hurt"? And where does that rank on the scale of hurt? Is it better or worse than other body parts? :laugh:

 

Official definition:

 

Butthurt very specifically refers to the irrational whining and childish behavior a person exhibits as a result of being entangled in petty drama on the Internet. Someone who is trying to debate you with stupid opinions and a needlessly defensive attitude is not necessarily butthurt; they could just be an idiot.

[Got it]

TJH -Awesome!

 

Are there other forms of usage as well? This is a new phrase for me and I think there must be all kinds of applications!

[ThatJustHappened]

Nope, it's VERY specific to internet arguments. Use sparingly!!

[Turtles]

I am interested in the ways in which people got caught. What are the biggest ways people screw up?

 

When one of the parties fesses up.

[Got it]

TJH - Lima Charlie

[skywriter]

Official definition:

 

Butthurt very specifically refers to the irrational whining and childish behavior a person exhibits as a result of being entangled in petty drama on the Internet. Someone who is trying to debate you with stupid opinions and a needlessly defensive attitude is not necessarily butthurt; they could just be an idiot.

 

 

Oh, okay? ....and all this time, i've been walking around thinking butthurt was a cramp in the butt.

 

Thanks for setting me straight.

[ThatJustHappened]

Hmm..I think I'm making myself sound younger and/or cooler than I am...I like this!

[natty moppet]

If the OP is butt hurt because we didn't applaud her wanting to have an affair, wait till she sees her family's reaction! All she got here was a little glimpse into REALITY: most people think its selfish, mean, irresponsible and down right piggish to cheat. This isn't news to people in an egocentric bubble, if she did indeed freak out and leave it just shows her how unprepared she is for the D-day and all the crap her friends/family will say...

 

Sorry, I won't sugarcoat to people how they are about to destroy families and themselves.

 

Nope, the OP(me) is not butt hurt, but actually took the advice of several people on here, and decided the risk was clearly not worth the short term satisfaction. At this time, I have talked (via text) to MM, but sparingly, and with the intention of treating it as a mistake. You will recall that we are all 'friends' and while it has become ridiculously flirtatious, I have not crossed any physical lines. My intention, at this point, is to treat it as a silly indulgence, back away respectfully, and try to minimize what has occurred.

 

Any advice here? So far, he is just probably wondering why I am not responding as often or as quickly as I did before.

[natty moppet]

I have not made a decision with regard to my M, but I know I have to back away from this other situation. I feel this site, LS, made the most impact by getting me to look at the long term outcomes, rather than just the short term gains.

I am still quite miserable in my M, and still have no desire to D, but I can save that question for another day, month, or even year. I feel a certain debt to my H, for allowing me to stay home with my kids for 8+ years...I can never repay that. To disrespect him in the way that I was considering, is absolutely horrible, and I cannot compare that to the ways in which he has disrespected me--that would be too much justification to go and do what I originally wanted. I have to be the person that I am, and not act out of spite and sadness.

[natty moppet]

Natty, I'm glad you didn't take it further, I think you saved everyone a lot of pain down the road.

 

I don't believe that we can be friends with someone we are attracted to and keep it on a strictly friendly basis and besides that is just too stressful and hard and it's dangerous that you might cross that line again. I would suggest cutting off all communication with him that is personal.

 

I really cannot do that altogether. He is friends with my H. It is inevitable that I am going to see him unless I expose him. But I can cut off my personal communication with him...it can all go thru my H.

[natty moppet]

It make s me so sad to be in this position. I wish I could be something or someone other than who I am. The idea of remaining where I am is really difficult for a romantic like me.

[Lillyfree]

It make s me so sad to be in this position. I wish I could be something or someone other than who I am. The idea of remaining where I am is really difficult for a romantic like me.

 

*hugs*

 

i am glad that you've decided not to go down the road that would only result in heartache.

 

natty, i'm a firm believer that life is what we make it. would you consider MC? are you sure that your marriage isn't salvageable? surely there was SOME reason why you married your husband...

 

i'm in a bit of a limbo - 5 months of NC, i believe i'm in a good place personally but leaving the marriage as it is for now. i've made myself very busy and that's keeping me from moping and feeling sorry for myself.

 

do things for yourself. start some activity with your children. take up a hobby that you always wanted to but never had the time...

[natty moppet]

Then don't settle for a marriage you hate, either do everything you can to fix it, meaning give him an ultimatum, it's either you do x,y,z or hit the road.

 

We are only a victim if we allow ourselves to be. Children do survive divorce natty, but you complicate it with affair fallout and they won't fare well. Don't let you marriage put you in the corner, you are the only one that can do that, see that you don't have to. You DO have choices about it.

 

I am not implying that I am a victim. I made a choice--even then I think I may have known it was wrong, but didn't want to admit it.

 

I know my children would survive a D, maybe even do better, but its such a risk. I really value being in the work place on a p/t basis. To D my H would be a big sacrifice for me in terms of time spent with my kids. I was a sAHM for 8+ years, and now I work P/T. To go to F/T and continue to care for a home, and my kids in the way that I want would be really difficult. (I know people do it all the time, but it certainly is not the best scenerio, and absolutely not the one I had envisioned for my children.) Plus, I see my husband as a better father with me there, than with me gone. I would worry about the care they received with him if I am not around.

[natty moppet]

*hugs*

 

i am glad that you've decided not to go down the road that would only result in heartache.

 

natty, i'm a firm believer that life is what we make it. would you consider MC? are you sure that your marriage isn't salvageable? surely there was SOME reason why you married your husband...

 

i'm in a bit of a limbo - 5 months of NC, i believe i'm in a good place personally but leaving the marriage as it is for now. i've made myself very busy and that's keeping me from moping and feeling sorry for myself.

 

do things for yourself. start some activity with your children. take up a hobby that you always wanted to but never had the time...

 

We have done MC 2X and it has been unsuccessful. Today, my H said he is going to try my 'get healthy' plan...no drinking, no eating crap, no sitting endlessly in front of the TV...

 

I have heard this so many times, I just tune out. I think he"s feeling threatened because of my 'open marriage' comments and the fact that I have lost about 15lbs over the last 6 months, and have been expressing my unhappiness more lately(probably because of the the MM). Either way, I don't believe he will change a bit--never has before.

 

I am so busy now, I can't imagine taking on a new hobby. That is not going to ever fulfill me in the way that an intimate, emotional relationship will anyway.

[Lillyfree]

We have done MC 2X and it has been unsuccessful. Today, my H said he is going to try my 'get healthy' plan...no drinking, no eating crap, no sitting endlessly in front of the TV...

 

I have heard this so many times, I just tune out. I think he"s feeling threatened because of my 'open marriage' comments and the fact that I have lost about 15lbs over the last 6 months, and have been expressing my unhappiness more lately(probably because of the the MM). Either way, I don't believe he will change a bit--never has before.

 

 

regardless of what it is that made him want to improve things in your M, i wouldn't just dismiss him. don't tune out. instead, why not offer to exercise together? look up new recipes and cook together? maybe have a date night where you stay in, cook, share a bottle of wine, and just have a laugh?

 

you seem very resentful of him, and i understand that after a long time of complacency on their side we just find it easier to not hope anymore.

if you show enthusiasm, offer help, it will give him more of an incentive to try harder.

 

that's what i can suggest for now. if you've decided to stay M and work on it, you will need to put the effort in as well.

[crederer]

I found out my mom was having affairs on my father with multiple men. She eventually picked one of them to be a real partner (he was married at the time, and they're still together). No one knows that I know this about her. I didn't tell a single soul as I didn't want to be the "messenger" and I can tell you that this stuff messes with your head big time. Get a divorce properly and find a single guy, if you really care about the kids. Otherwise, IMO it's not about the kids at all but all about you.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Hang in there Natty. I know (believe me) how hard this is for you, but you are making the right choice.

 

Do the best you can to change YOU. I know you think that taking up a hobby won't help, but honestly I think it might. I had always wanted to play guitar, but I never pushed to do it. When I expressed after the D-Day I wanted to take guitar lessons my husband was initially against it because it reminded him of XOM, so I stuffed it for another year, but finally I just decided to do it. I have been taking lessons for 1 1/2 years honestly it's the best thing I have ever done for myself. Pick something you have always wanted to do and do it! Believe me it will help fill the void.

 

While you change yourself, you might be surprised at how your husband changes. If you give your marriage maybe an honest shot for the next 6 months to a year and then re-evaluate. If you are not happy, then make a decision.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

I'm glad you decided to not do anything physical with the MM and to decrease the intensity of your interaction with him. I'm crossing my fingers that you'll manage to stick to it!

 

Try to come here every time you'll feel like you're not feeling so great.

 

And do your best to not be alone at any time with the MM. He or anyone else cannot force/trick you in any way to be alone with him, so do your best to avoid.

 

And another advice (from what I've read on this site) - don't get drunk when he's around, even if there are other people. It might lower your inhibitions/determination and sth might happen. Don't risk doing sth drunk that would hurt your kids&many other people.

 

I hope others here will continue to give you such good advice in the future about issue for which I don't have experience. But I would like to say that as long as you stay married, don't give up on encouraging/forcing your husband to change.

 

Lastly - I would strongly recommend you go talk to a therapist or a psychologist with experience with children, divorce, unhappy marriages etc. Talk to him/her about what would be best for the children - divorce, continuation of marriage, separation...

 

I'm saying this because you're arguments as to why you want to stay married (so you could spend more time with the kids as opposed to working FT job in case of divorce, your H being a better parent to them as long as you're married to him...) - well, I'm not experienced enough, but those arguments may or may not be true... It might really be better for the children.

 

But perhaps all the benefits (you spending more time with them etc.) aren't enough to offset the detrimental effects of you staying married and them having to grow up in a toxic environment, where their parents are keeping up appearances, have given up on each other, are very unhappy etc.

 

And also it's possible that your husband would be a better father in case of a divorce, if he got a kick in the ar*e to see that he needs to change as a man, but more importantly as a husband.

 

Again, I'm no expert. But I think you should talk to a professional&other people (especially your husband!) about what is best for your children. Given everything that's been going, given the fact that you were strongly contemplating having a physical affair before we helped you realize how much it would hurt your kids etc., I think there's a chance your best intentions aren't really the best for the kids.

 

I have no doubt you want to do what's best for the kids, but I think there's a chance you are mistaken as to what is best for them. And there are experts who can make you see all the factors whom you should consult.

 

Btw, have you perhaps read the book Toxic Parents (available free online) that I recommended?

 

And have you considered individual counselling (it helped me tremendously when I felt unhappy with myself, my actions and my life)?

 

I hope others, more experienced will continue to give their advice and correct me if I gave you bad advice, no matter how well-intended.

 

Best wishes, I hope we'll hear from you soon!

[zevahc]

Natty, if I may. I'll say I'm the other man and the MW I've been seeing has much the same issues you do. I still recommended she get IC because even though she loves me and I her I'm still not a good bandaid. I've been on both sides since 10 years ago I was the BS. I never thought I would be the OM.

 

I don't think problems like this are fixed through alternate relationships. They require the individual to deal with root cause. I realize I'm in a bad situation and even our feelings cannot MAKE our future solid. She has to deal with her demons one way or the other. Fix or not fix her marriage. I'm a complete separate issue that only complicated the whole situation. I hate that when I view myself that way but I'm also trying not to be naive thinking this woman will leave her H for me. My flesh wants it, but practically speaking I want a healthy, happy relationship that starts on the right foot.

 

How I got to the spot I am in now...well, very tiny mistakes early on...looking back I wish I had been smarter but I never saw this coming honestly. Now my heart breaks and last thing I want is to break others hearts out of pure selfishness. All in all I think my MW is very selfish both because her own interests and pleasures are above her BS and the heartache I'm going through. I can already tell its building up bitterness in me..as much as I love her it is altering my respect of her and our friendship. These are things I once cherished feel slipping away. I'm telling you all this because I don't think EA's, while they are at first so clear...are a long term fix. Be careful. My MW won't even get the individual help she keep claiming she will for the past few months. That alone breaks my heart and makes me realize I'm being played...